Rise From the Ashes
by thamockingjayandpeeta
Summary: **PREVIOUSLY DARKEST BEFORE DAWN** This takes place right before Katniss goes to 12, leaving Peeta in the Capitol to finish treatment & continues til the end of Mockingjay & its very sparse Epilogue. Multiple chapters. Appearances by Haymitch, Effie, Annie, Finn, Johanna, Gale, Mrs. Everdeen, Caesar, Pres. Paylor, & Plutarch. RATED M FOR A REASON! Contains Lemon & CF/ MJ SPOILERS
1. Chapter 1

**I wrote this because I haven't really seen a fanfic about Peeta getting treatment after the Rebellion. Normally most stories start when Peeta gets back to 12 and him and Katniss have to "find their way back to each other."**

**I, however, wanted to try and get inside Peeta's mind immediately after. We know that Katniss and Haymtich went back to 12 and Peeta joined them later. I want to write a fanfic showing the counter-treatments Peeta received before he went back to 12.**

**FYI, in other fanfics (Unwritten Moments 1-4, Real, More Than Enough, Lonely, Maybe the Odds Were in Our Favor) I tend to have Effie in the Capitol, but for the sake of this story, I changed it up a little.**

**We know I don't own Hunger Games, because it would have ended differently.**

**Enjoy, and please review!**

**XXXXXXX**

Katniss had gotten off. They said that she was temporarily insane, not in her right mind, when she'd shot Coin.

I felt relieved. I was supposed to be relieved, right?

Real. That was real.

I had sighed with relief when Haymitch had told me, but ever since then I'd been questioning it. Sometimes I was angry. She wasn't supposed to survive. She needed to be punished. She deserved to be punished. She was a traitor, a mutt.

I should have let her take those pills.

No. Not real. Not real, dammit.

Was this really going to be my life?

They kept me in a room, by myself, but I wasn't tied up or handcuffed. Not anymore. They didn't think I'd hurt Katniss with my hands.

Just my words.

I wish they'd tape my mouth shut. I didn't want to hurt her with my words.

But she was a mutt, wasn't she?

No. Not real. That wasn't real.

This went on all day, every day. I didn't even get relief when I slept. I did sleep, but not well. My dreams were twisted, conflicted, a mixture of Games and the memories—_false_ memories, I had to remind myself—of Katniss.

By the time dawn arrived I had usually already showered and eaten. Sometimes I didn't know if being awake was better or worse. There was never any relief. I tried to remain positive—maybe today would be the day I saw progress within myself. Maybe I wouldn't be as confused today.

But I doubted it.

There was a knock on my door about a week after Katniss had gotten off trial.

"Come in," I said automatically. The first thing I saw was a guard. I was confused as to why, until I noticed the figure behind him.

I sat up. On the surface she looked fine, give or take a few bruises. Her long, dark locks were in their normal braid—

And just like that I remembered something. Me, playing in her hair, atop the Training Center. They didn't take that one from me. Probably because they didn't know it had existed.

I stared into her grey eyes and another memory hit me, full in the gut, a memory I'd had before but forgotten about until now. Her eyes had that same haunted, empty look now as they had then, so many years ago, on that rainy day in town, her sitting against the tree.

I had thrown bread to her. Burned bread for her. Risked abuse for her.

I wouldn't have done that for a mutt.

"Hi," said Katniss softly.

And then another memory hit me. A more recent one. I'd nearly had an attack, and she had kissed me to try and stop it. War had raged within me, and I had felt pleasure from the kiss. But I still wasn't sure about her, about anything.

She'd told me not to let Snow take me from her. She had told me to fight, and to stay with her.

Always, I had told her.

I wanted to stay with her.

I'd had plenty of good dreams about Katniss since then. The problem was in the end everything blurred together. The truth was, no matter what, I was having trouble deciphering between what was real and what wasn't.

Was that memory real?

Was this?

"Hey," I responded, standing. I saw the guard shift, and it dawned on me that he was there to protect her, because they didn't know how I'd react to seeing her. At the guard's movement I turned to him. "I'm not gonna hurt her," I said. The guard stared at me for a moment and then turned to Katniss.

"Go ahead," she told him softly.

"I'll be right outside." She nodded, her eyes following him as he left, leaving the door slightly ajar. Then she turned back to me.

We stared at each other for a few moments, in an uncomfortable silence.

She stepped closer to me, tentatively. "How's your hand?" she asked softly.

"My hand?" I looked down and noticed the bandage, and suddenly I saw Katniss, biting my hand, blood everywhere. I gasped and jerked. She was going to kill me. She was trying to kill me. I had to kill her first. "No. Not real. Not real," I shouted at myself.

I saw the betrayal in her eyes at stopping her from taking the nightlock—why had I done that again?

Because I loved her. Right? Real?

But she was supposed to die. She was a mutt.

I heard Katniss gasp and saw her back away, her eyes wide with fear. "I'm okay," I told her. "Just… just give me a minute." My voice was shaking, but I kept talking. "Not real," I muttered to myself. "Not real." I turned away from her, closing my eyes and breathing deeply. Once I had composed myself I turned back around. She was against the back wall, close to the door, watching me warily. "Why are you here?"

I hadn't meant to sound so cold, but that's how it came out.

"I- I came to say goodbye," she said, walking slowly towards me.

"Goodbye?"

"I'm…" she took a deep breath, closing her eyes, and then stared at me. "I'm going back to District 12 today."

"12? I thought there was no 12?" I stared at her, genuinely puzzled.

"I've been told I have to go back. It's my punishment. Besides, some people want it rebuilt, and Victor's Village was unharmed, so…. I'm going back. I can't stay here, Peeta. Too many bad memories."

I watched her eyes well with tears. She was thinking of Prim, I know she was. Prim, her little sister, the one who'd died in the Capitol bombing, who she would have protected at all costs, but couldn't in the end.

That was real.

"I just wanted to see you before I left," said Katniss, staring at me intently.

"I'm staying?"

"You have to," Katniss told me. "You have to get better. Plutarch and Haymitch are taking me home but Haymitch will be back to help you. I don't know how long it'll take for you to get better, but I'll be waiting for you."

"You will?"

"Of course."

I didn't say anything for a few moments. "They tell me I love you." She nodded. "I guess I should say I don't want you to go, but I think you leaving's a good idea." She looked crushed, and my initial reaction was to feel sad about it. Then it turned into indifferent.

Indifference.

That shouldn't be real.

"I just meant," I started, amending my statement, "that I do need to get better."

She looked as if she didn't fully believe me. "I guess I should go. Haymitch is waiting for me."

"Did you ever want to kill me?" I asked her as she started to leave. I'd asked her this before, but in my dreams, when I asked, she always responded by pulling out a weapon and trying to kill me. How she would respond now would tell me if this was real or not.

She turned and faced me, her eyes unreadable. I felt my heart hammering in my chest. "I know you thought you had to, when I was with the Careers. At least, that's what you've told me. But other than that?"

"Only once," responded Katniss, "in the 74th Games, when Claudius Templesmith had announced there could no longer be two winners. You held out your knife and I thought you were gonna kill me, so I aimed my bow at you." I had no recollection of that. That's not how I remembered it.

"So why didn't you kill me?" I was almost afraid of her answer.

"We'd agreed we'd die together," was her response. "That we didn't want them to have a winner."

Suddenly my mouth was dry. Was this real? Or was this another trick?

"What about in the last Games?"

"I spent the entire time trying to save your life, Peeta. I didn't try to kill you."

For now, in this moment, I believed her.

This was real.

I watched her as she turned and walked towards the door, leaving, going back home. _Our_ home, apparently, though I barely had any recollection of it.

Suddenly a question burst from my mouth before I could stop it. "Is Gale going with you?"

Jealousy. That was real. That emotion was all too real.

She turned around slowly, so slowly, and met my eyes. "Not real," she said, her voice cold. "If there's nothing else you never have to worry about again, it'll be me and Gale." With those words, she left, closing the door behind her.


	2. Chapter 2

When Haymitch returned from 12 he came to see me. He looked tired, and I wondered how much sleep he's gotten in the few days since he's been gone. Then I remembered that Haymitch wasn't allowed to drink.

"How's Katniss?" I feel as if I should ask about her, like that's the right thing to do, but it feels forced.

Haymitch eyes me, like he knew what I was thinking, but answered. "Not well. We sent Effie down there with her." He paused as he stared at me. "She's on suicide watch."

"Suicide watch?" In hearing them, even saying them, the words sound foreign to me, so utterly un-Katniss. Then I remembered the nightlock and realized maybe that hadn't been something she thought about for that moment. Maybe she really was suicidal. "I thought Dr. Aurelius was pretending when he said she was insane."

"He was, but… Katniss is not well. She still hardly speaks. You were one of the first people she's really talked to. The first time she spoke to me was to say she wanted to say goodbye to you."

What did that mean?

Was this real, or not real?

"I don't believe you," I said, deciding in that moment.

"What don't you believe?"

"She hates me," I argued for the umpteenth time. "She's a murderer and a mutt—"

"No she's not," snapped out Haymitch, obviously getting impatient. Even I can't count how many times we've had this discussion.

"I lost my leg because of her! Nobody wants to talk about that."

"Not real, Peeta! That is not real."

"Yes she did. In the cave—"

"I'll show you," interrupted Haymitch. "I'll have the truth for you in the next session." He left then, but I didn't care. What could he possibly show me? What could he possibly say?

I paced my room—which was becoming more and more like a cell—until I started to calm down. I remembered the day I had tried to kill her. I remembered the undeniable need to kill her, and the satisfaction I felt in my fingers clinging to her throat.

Until I saw her face.

She had been shocked, so shocked at my actions. Why?

She had thought I was going to hug her. Why would she think that? Why would she think I would hug her? Because she loved me?

No, she had Gale.

But… she had said Gale would be the last person I'd have to worry about. Hadn't she? Had that been real?

I never found an answer to these questions. When Haymitch returned the next day, he didn't come in and close my door like he normally did. Instead he motioned for me to follow him.

He led me to a room with a television, and upon starting it, it didn't take me long to realize we were watching the 74th Hunger Games.

I held my breath as I watched Katniss and I in that cave.

I watched as I told her how my dad had loved Katniss' mother, but she had chosen to marry a coal miner, who's voice would make the birds stop to listen. Then I went on to tell Katniss that I had loved her since we were five years old, and that her voice too could silence the birds.

I tensed when I saw he pour the sleep syrup, convinced this must have been when she'd betray me, but all she did was disappear and bring me… medicine? She bought me medicine?

We watched it all the way through to the end, until the hovercraft separated us and I watched as she screamed… for me? Was she screaming for me?

I jumped up and ran to the TV. "What's wrong with her? Why is she screaming?"

"She didn't want to be separated from you," Haymitch told me, and I turned around to look at him. He smirked at me. "Is that.. love I see in your eyes?"

"She always brings out the strongest emotions in me," I complained. "Either I really love her or I really hate her."

"They say there's a thin line between two," said Haymitch.

"Every second is a struggle, an internal battle."

"You've been dealing with that since you were five years old."

"I think it'd be easier to hate her," I say softly.

"It probably would be," agreed Haymitch. "Katniss is one of the most complicated people I've ever met." Haymitch's eyes hardened as he looked at me. "But nobody got her like you did, kid. You understood her, and you undid her."

I stayed silent as I let that seep in.

"She'll never know the affect she has on other people," Haymitch told me. "Those are your words, not mine. You'll fall for her again. You won't even mean to. One day you'll look at her, you'll see her, and you'll fall again."

"You really still believe love conquers all?"

"I didn't. Not until I watched you two. Two kids took down Panem. Don't disappoint me. You have to get better. She's waiting for you."

I had no response to that.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Dr. Aurelius leaves. Him and Haymitch tend to take turns in counseling me. It's been a few months but not a lot of progress has been made. Haymitch is frustrated, but he's not a counselor. He doesn't realize these things take time.

At least that's what Dr. Aurelius says.

I myself am getting a little impatient.

The physical bruises are healing, but internally I'm as bruised and broken as ever.

One day Dr. Aurelius and Haymitch come into my room together. This is new. Neither of them has ever come at the same time before.

"What's going on?" I asked, because I know something's up.

Haymitch glanced at Dr. Aurelius. "I'm going back to 12," he finally said.

I stand up. "Why? Is something wrong with Katniss?" I noted my first reaction was concern.

That was real.

Haymitch made to open his mouth but Dr. Aurelius cleared his throat. Haymitch scowled. "I'm not going to lie to the boy," he snapped out. He turned back to me. "She's not well. I think she needs me more than you do." He walked up to me and we hugged. "This is not goodbye, Peeta. Remember who the real enemy is." I blinked at him, and President Snow's face flashed in my mind. "We'll see each other soon." I watched as he walked out, stopping near Dr. Aurelius. "Don't forget what I told you."

And then he was gone.

I looked at Dr. Aurelius. "What did he tell you?"

"Before Haymitch came back to the Capitol, he asked Katniss what she thought we should do with you to make you better."

"And?" I asked when he paused.

"She said to either let you paint, or let you come back home. Haymitch was fighting for the latter, but I don't think you're quite ready for that. We will, however, let you paint." At those words a couple of men came in with canvases, an easel, paint, and art utensils. "Just let your mind wander, and draw anything you like. We'll discuss it tomorrow."

He left me alone then. I stared at the art utensils, unsure of how I was supposed to feel. Katniss had suggested I paint. How had she known? Was this real?

How many times would I have to ask myself that?

I allowed myself to finger the paintbrushes. I caressed the canvases, inhaling the smell of fresh parchment.

It didn't take long for me to start painting. I'd had this picture in my mind for weeks now. It haunted my dreams, and I didn't know if it was real or not, but I hoped it was, because this… memory? Idea? Hope? Whatever it was, it filled me with something I hadn't felt in what felt like forever.

I couldn't quite place my finger on it, but I painted, mixing colors the same way my emotions were mixed.

It was crazy, but as I painted, I wasn't confused.

I didn't question anything as I painted.

It took me well into the night to get it perfect, but when I stepped back and looked at it, I smiled.

It felt right.

I believed that in my soul.

This was real.

When Dr. Aurelius entered my room for our session the next day, he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Wow," he said, finally finding his voice. "She was right. Katniss was right in her suggestion to let you paint."

The words I had spoken to her back in 13 came back to me then. "I must have loved her a lot," I told him.

"You still do," Dr. Aurelius said. I stared at him. "If this painting is any indication of what you're feeling, you still do."

"Do you think it's real?"

"I know it is. You don't remember?" I shook my head. "Well, that's great, Peeta."

"How? I thought the point was for me to remember?"

"This is a memory, Peeta. It's something you actually experienced with Katniss. That means it's still in your subconscious. If nobody told you about this memory, if you really remember this without anybody's help, we just had a major breakthrough."

I stared at the picture, taking in its details: the sunset, the beach, and me and Katniss kissing.

_This is real_, I thought to myself.

"Would you like to see this moment, Peeta?"

"Yes," I said without hesitation.

"Okay. I'll have the tape by tomorrow."

"Tape?"

"Yes," said Dr. Aurelius with a smile. "The moment that you captured on your canvas, Peeta, took place in the Quarter Quell. It was probably the last moment you two had together before you were brought here." I stared at him, stunned.

_This moment is real_, I thought to myself. _This painting is real_.

"We'll talk tomorrow. In the meantime, keep painting."


	3. Chapter 3

I've been in the Capitol for six months now, and painting has helped in ways that nothing else has. In painting I could escape the pain, and there was a lot of pain.

I let my fingers bring me back. I've painted every single day, and most of the time I've recreated a real memory.

They're coming back to me now, and suddenly I'm consumed with grief.

I tried to kill the woman I love.

How was I supposed to live with that guilt?

All I could think about, all day every day, was that day I had tried to choke her. What form of murder is more intimate than choking? I actually wanted to feel the life leave her body.

I'm haunted at night, and there's no one there to comfort me.

I don't deserve comfort.

The picture I drew of five-year-old Katniss, wearing that red plaid dress, her hair styled in two braids, was what forced me over the edge.

I remembered her. I really remembered her.

And I'd tried to kill her.

If Dr. Aurelius had been on time, he'd have found me with my wrists slit.

I'd nearly killed myself before, hadn't I? A couple of years ago, in the Arena, during the 74th Hunger Games. I had done it because I couldn't bare the thought of her not surviving. This was no different. I wasn't sure if I'd ever get better. Sure, I had moments. I had moments where I remembered that I love her. But I was still so confused, so lost. It was too risky.

I thought about pretending that I wasn't getting better, but that was depressing in itself. Instead of doing that, I thought it'd be best to just end it.

But as fate—or maybe the odds, I don't know—would have it, Dr. Aurelius was early, and walked into my room when I had the blade to my wrist.

I was put on immediate suicide watch, where I stayed for two months. They didn't care about my screams, or my tears, or my pleas for that matter.

I understood everything now. I had watched the 74th Hunger Games, and the Quarter Quell. I had watched them both, numerous times, from beginning to end. I had painted so many memories, memories that I had thought were gone forever.

Painting once was a refuge. Now? Now it brought out truth I wasn't sure I was ready or able to face.

I just kept thinking about the way I had treated her. Those moments replayed over and over in my head, until I realized my only option was to die.

But they wouldn't let me.

When Haymitch entered my room one day, I thought I was dreaming. Lord knows how many times I had dreamt that Katniss was here, in the Capitol, coming to see me.

"Did you bring Katniss?" I asked expectantly, because why else would he be in my dream?

"She sends her regards," responded Haymitch, and it wasn't until he had closed the door that I realized maybe I was awake.

I sat up, noting that he looked better than he did the last time he was here. Guess he'd had himself a few drinks or so since being back in 12. "What are you doing here?"

"I've been here a few days. That's how long it took for Aurelius to agree with me." He paused, shifting his feet. I wondered if he was uncomfortable, and if he was about to tell me something to make me feel worse. "We heard about your suicide attempt." I cringed. "Katniss flipped. She made me come to the Capitol to bring you home."

My mouth hit the floor. "Real?"

"Definitely. You're not the only one having a hard time, Peeta. I think, and now the doctor thinks, that maybe you two need each other, because apart you two are pure destruction."

I didn't know what to say. I just know my heart was hammering like never before. "What about Gale?"

Haymitch snorted. "Gale left. He went to District 2. Katniss never even thought about going with him. She didn't even know what happened to him until she asked. She asked about you every day."

I paused, staring into space. "I can't go back to 12, Haymitch. What if I hurt her?"

"If I thought you would hurt her, not only would I not be here, I'd kill you myself. Besides, you being away is hurting her enough. It's time, Peeta. It's time to come home."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Haymitch told me on the way back to 12 that Katniss has taken to sleeping in my bed. "Her nightmares used to wake me up," he was saying. "Do you know how loud she had to be screaming in order for me to hear her?"

"Normally you sleep like the dead," I commented.

"Yah, well, I've been taking it easy. I'm a drunk, but I have a conscious. I can't drink myself unconscious knowing full well she needs me. Effie can't handle her on her own, we all know how loopy she is." He motioned in circles around his ears but I noticed the smile on his face when talking about Effie.

"If you've been calming down on the bottle, maybe you could just quit."

"Maybe you should go back to the Capitol," joked Haymitch.

"You really think she loves me?" I asked quietly after a few moments of silence.

"They took you because they knew you were the only thing that'd break her."

"That's what she said," I muttered, thinking about that conversation we'd had so long ago.

"She's not the same girl, Peeta, but that's okay, because you're not the same, either." He stayed silent for a moment as he let that sink in. "What I do know is she sneaks into your room at night," said Haymitch. "It's the only peace she gets. She's broken without Prim, and completely lost without you. You remember the screams on the Victory Tour, don't you?"

And just like that, I did. I remembered that night I woke up to her screams, and went into her room and comforted her. She had needed me. I had calmed her down. It was my arms she had reached out for, my body she curled into.

That didn't help the guilt.

"She might not ever say it," Haymitch said. "She's not like you; she doesn't have a way with words. But she'll prove it to you, day in and day out if you let her. Katniss keeps saying if you just spend time with her, you'll remember her.

"It'll help that she looks the same. The Capitol fixed her up as much as they could before they made her leave, I think at Plutarch's insistence."

"Fixed her up?"

"Yah. You know the Capitol. They give you the very best after putting you through the absolute worst. Most of her burns have been covered up, just like most of your marks from torture are gone. Some things, however, can't be undone." He said this last part resentfully.

"You mean they've hidden the abuse," I said bitterly.

Haymitch didn't respond to that.

"How's Effie fairing in 12?"

"I think she's finding more comfort in 12 than she's letting on. She knows the Capitol isn't the same anymore. I sort of think she fears going back."

"When did she even join the Rebellion?"

"The minute Snow announced former Victors had to enter the Quarter Quell. She was furious. She said that something must be done, and I told her if she was serious, I had some interesting news. She didn't even think about saying no. I've never seen her so attached to two kids since I've known her."

"When you say it like that, I guess I shouldn't be surprised she went to 12."

"You shouldn't be surprised at all. Katniss demanded that Effie be given immunity. We're a team," Haymitch reminded me. "Katniss needed somebody and she and I…." He let his voice trail off. "Well, it's complicated."

"Yah, I sensed some tension between you two."

"We're getting better. She blamed me for saving her and not you, and I blamed her for letting you out of her sight. We both feel the same way about you, so we found agreement in that. And I think in bringing you back she'll forgive me."

"Why?"

Haymitch didn't blink. "Because she's a better when she's with you."

I hoped, more than I cared to admit, that he was right.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I was dreading getting back to 12, so naturally, the train ride felt like seconds. I had refused to fly back to 12. It'd cause way too much attention. I wanted to arrive back as quietly as I could, escape unnoticed if possible.

The closer we got the more anxious I became.

This was the best Dr. Aurelius had seen me. He said I'd make an almost full recovery.

Almost.

That was the word that plagued me.

I'd gotten most of my memories back. The paintings had helped more than anything, and more than anyone would have thought possible.

I knew I loved Katniss.

I just didn't know how I'd always act around her.

Dr. Aurelius said that I'd have flashbacks for the rest of my life, but with the medicine he had given me, I'd be able to better control them.

I'd be on medication for the rest of my life.

But it still wouldn't stop the flashbacks.

I was terrified of hurting her.

Now that most of my memories were back, I remembered that fear in her eyes. The fear that I had given her. I had been her refuge once. She used to seek me out because she knew I would never hurt her.

Had that bond been broken?

I was afraid to find out.

Sure, Haymitch was here, taking me back to 12, at Katniss' insistence, but….

Even now, eight months after treatment, I was wondering if it was real.

So what did that mean when I got in front of her?

And deep down, way deep down, I couldn't help but wonder if it was easier this way. Maybe I shouldn't remember.

Because I also remembered that she had lied to me about how she felt. I remembered how she had played me, just like she played the Games. How do I know she really loved me now? Especially after I'd tried to kill her.

When those thoughts filled my head I tried to think back to that night on the beach. It's awfully hard to forge that feeling. I knew that kiss hadn't been faked. Nobody could act that well.

Still, the confusion was etched in my brain, so by the time we got to 12, I got off that train warily, not knowing what the future held for me.

All I know is that I left 12, almost two years ago, loving a woman I wasn't sure loved me back, and I was arriving the exact same way.

Haymitch had said she had changed, and that was okay, because I had too.

But in that moment, in getting off the train, all of the old emotions flooding in my memory, I wondered what the hell Haymitch knew.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone! I decided to update early because I'm thrilled with the direction this story is going! I hope you all are too. I know the story's kind of dark right now, but don't worry, it'll get better!**

**I changed the title because I always hated the name 'Darkest Before Dawn.' It was just SO cliché. I like Rise From the Ashes because…well hello, District 12 was blown up LOL.**

**Thank you all SOOO much for the Reviews. Keep them coming please! I try to respond to them, so check your PMs. **

**Until next time, enjoy.**

**Tootles!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to react to seeing District 12, but I was absolutely devastated. I had already grieved for my parents and siblings. I had lost them the minute Snow had threatened our families. I had known I wouldn't get to keep everybody, and I'd decided to try and keep Katniss.

Still, the ruin, the debris, the _ash_ that was still there was paramount.

If this is how it looked after I'd been gone for nearly a year, I wondered how it had looked when Katniss had returned.

We drove through town—Plutarch's decision, even though I told him I didn't want a fuss; he had still had a car waiting for Haymitch and I—and I took in the sights. When I passed the bakery I asked Haymitch to stop.

He seemed to understand because he didn't say anything. I got out and stared at the place that had been my home for fifteen years. I wanted to look around, see if I saw… anything, and was about to, when I saw Greasy Sae round the corner.

She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me. Then she slowly walked up to me, as if she couldn't decide if I were real or not.

"So this is why Effie left yesterday morning. Because you got to come home." I didn't say anything, though I wish Effie had still been here. It would have been nice to see her. "Katniss know you're here?" asked Greasy Sae.

"No," I responded.

"You should go. The girl's wasting away without you."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I didn't immediately seek out Katniss when I got back to Victor's Village. I was tired, and a little hungry. I did note, however, how dark her house looked. The windows were dirty, and it made me think about the woman inside the house.

"_She's wasting away without you,"_ Greasy Sae had told me.

I woke up early the next morning and went into the woods. I felt foreign at first, because this was Katniss' domain, as well as Gale's, but I had a point, a purpose. I dug for quite a few hours, and then made my way back to Victor's Village.

"_Do something that is that is completely and utterly Peeta when you get back," _Dr. Aurelius had told me right before I left. "_If you paint every day at exactly 5 PM, then paint at 5 PM. If you take a morning jog before the sunrises, then take that jog. You have to get back into a routine_."

I realized I didn't really have a routine, other than baking, and that was nearly impossible with the bakery nearly blown to smithereens. However, if I had learned anything in the past eight months of training, it was that I was devoted to Katniss. I still didn't understand everything. I was still confused, but ever since Greasy Sae's words I knew that I had to do something for her.

And planting primroses for her seemed completely and utterly Peeta.

I had been planting for a while when I heard her front door open.

"You are back," she said. Her voice is filled with shock. I looked up at her, and the first thing I have to do is remind myself that this moment is real. It is a struggle, a battle, but then it passes. I felt relief.

Katniss didn't seem to notice. As I got a good look at her, a real, first look at her, I noticed that her hair was matted, her cheeks hollow, her eyes vacant.

A piece of my heart broke, and that reminded me of something I was supposed to tell her. "Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday," I said. "By the way, he said to tell you he can't keep pretending he's treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone." I looked at her, hoping she understood that people were worried about her.

She chose to ignore this, however. "What are you doing?"

"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," I told her. "I thought we could plant them along the side of the house." My heart hammered as she stared at me.

At first she looked furious, and I felt my heart drop, until what I did started to sink in. She nods at me, accepting my gift, and heads back inside. I heard the lock click and briefly wondered if she's still afraid of me. I didn't see her take the glass vase, a white rose inside, and smash the vase to pieces and then burn the flower. Instead, I kept working, until she came out later, much later, clean, her hair combed, and started planting with me.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

She asked to me dinner afterwards. I wanted to decline at first. I had just spent the past few hours with her, and she couldn't know, had no idea, really, that those hours were filled with constant 'Real, not real' scenarios in my mind. I hadn't been thrust in her presence in months, yet I knew what I was bargaining for when I decided to plant those primroses.

However, when I saw the blankness in her eyes, the hollowness in her cheeks, Greasy Sae's words entered my brain again. _"She's wasting away without you_."

"Sure. What time?"

She shrugged. "I'm not sure. Whenever I get back from hunting later on, I suppose."

"I'll bring cheese bread." The words shocked me when I said them, because I wasn't sure why I had at first, until I remembered that they were her favorite. She nodded and made her way back into her house. I didn't hear the lock click this time.

I made my way back to my own place, three doors down, my heart hammering. I probably shouldn't have accepted her dinner invitation. I had given myself a headache planting those flowers for her.

But Prim was worth it.

_So is Katniss_, I reminded myself.

I scowled as I realized I still had to remind myself.

I showered when I got home, determined to wash away the headache along with the dirt. I tried not to think as I showered. I was so _tired_ of thinking.

I made the first dinner at Katniss' later on that night, but the invitation I got for tomorrow night I missed. She asked me a few more times but I didn't make those, either.

I was sad that I couldn't, but more disappointed that she didn't come and get me, like I knew I would have done for her.

At night I dreamt of her. She was a mutt again, and she terrified me.

She was still so damn beautiful, her hair as black as ever, her eyes dark as charcoal. In the dream I wanted to love her, but was too afraid to. I knew she'd kill me if I let my guard down.

I hid from her, crouching low in a dark corner. I saw her outline as she approached me, wearing all black, her bow in her hand, ready to fly. I held my breath as she scanned the room. I did not exhale again until she turned around, heading towards the door.

Maybe I was too loud as I exhaled, but suddenly she spun around and the arrow pierced me, right through the heart.

I locked eyes with her seconds before I realized I was dead.

I screamed, even though I knew I was dead, just screamed and screamed and screamed, and watched her as she watched me.

"Peeta. _Peeta_!" I gasped and sat up, looking around, my breathing ragged. Where was I? I was in my room, in my bed, the sheets a tangled mess. I was sweating and shaking, but I still had enough strength to jump out of bed and back away from the woman standing in front of me. I grabbed the lamp next to my bed, cursing myself for not having a weapon near me.

"Are you here to kill me?" I asked Katniss.

I saw her eyes widen in shock, and then load with tears. She slowly started to back away towards my bedroom door.

She shook her head. "How many times are you going to ask to me that before you figure out it's not real?" Her voice was not cold, just wary, and… sad. It was filled with so much sadness.

"You're not here to kill me?"

"Not real," she said firmly.

Was this a trap? Not two seconds ago she had just shot a bow through me.

_Not real, not real, not real_. That had been a dream. She really was here, in my bedroom, back in Victor's Village, but she didn't have a bow. In getting a good look at her she didn't seem like she'd even have the strength to carry a bow.

I would still be a fool to completely trust her, so I lowered the lamp back onto the night table, but kept a firm grip on it.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her.

"You didn't come to dinner," responded Katniss, still eyeing my hand as it gripped the lamp. "I was worried about you."

My brow furrowed. "Worried about me?"

"It's… not like you to not come when you say you will. You always keep word." She gulped and then looked down and added softly, "At least you used to."

"The old Peeta used to," I said, and that made her snap her head up.

"You _are_ that Peeta."

"Sometimes I am," I corrected her, thinking of planting the primroses. That seemed like years ago already. "That's the good Peeta." She didn't respond to that. I finally let go of the lamp and made my way slowly to the bed. I sat down, but never took my eyes off of Katniss. "I need you to do me a favor."

"What?"

"If I ever have an episode, and try to kill you, I want you to do one thing."

She seemed afraid to ask, but she finally said, "What?"

"Kill me."

I saw her visibly pale, even in the darkness.

"What?"

"Kill me. Or kill him. Kill that Peeta."

"There's only _one_ Peeta!" Katniss snapped.

"No there isn't," I snapped back. "Every _second_ is a struggle, Katniss. If I'm not well, if I do something to hurt you…." I stopped as the words left my mouth, and I realized I'm genuinely terrified of hurting her.

That's real. That emotion is real. I don't want to hurt her.

I'm good Peeta.

For now.

"If I hurt you, I want you to kill me."

"No." It was the firmest I've heard her talk.

"And how would I live with myself when I come out of my spell and realize I've hurt you?"

"How the hell do you expect me to live with myself if I kill you, especially for something that is beyond your control?"

"Just in case—"

"I don't even know why we're having this discussion," Katniss interrupted. "It's not like we spend a lot of time in each other's presence."

For the first time I looked away from her. At first I felt guilty, but then I shrugged that feeling off. We were avoiding each other. It's part of the reason why I had no real problem missing dinner at her place. I felt like it was forced, part of an unwritten pleasantry. I had no proof that she really wanted me there.

When I looked back up at her, her eyes were filled with sadness again.

The guilt came back.

"Do… do you _want_ me to be around more often?" I asked her.

"Real," retorted Katniss softly.

I tried not to be too thrilled, so therefore ignored the swoop in my stomach at her words.

"I'll make you a deal: I'll come around more often, on one condition: if I have a flashback, and tell you to leave, I want you to go."

"Is that why you don't come around?"

"I have dreams, Katniss. Horrible dreams, of you being a mutt. It normally takes me until noon to convince myself they were just that: dreams. By that time my brain is so worn out all I can do is sit down. Then I'll have a session with Dr. Aurelius and by the time I'm finished with that all I want to do is go to bed. It's exhausting." She looked down at the ground again. "Promise me, Katniss, that if I have a flashback, no matter where we are, what we're doing, you'll go when I tell you to go."

She chewed on her lip as she stared at me, parts of her soft, still uneven hair cascading around her face. "Fine," she finally said, and then spun around and left.

I heard the front door slam behind her.

She was mad at me, but I didn't care. I wanted her safe. Good Peeta wanted her safe.

He always had.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello, my loves! I just wanted you all to know that I will be updating this story at least once a week after this, probably mainly every Thursday as it's my normal day off. **

**I would just like to encourage everyone to keep the Reviews coming. I certainly enjoy the feedback, and I do respond!**

**Glad ya'll like the story so far!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

I kept my word to Katniss and started spending more time with her, though I wasn't sure of the point. We hardly ever talked to each other. Dinner was a silent affair. The most conversation I got was from Greasy Sae and her granddaughter before they left.

I even talked to the damn cat more than I talked to her.

I baked bread every night in my own kitchen to bring to the table; mainly cheese bread, because I knew that Katniss loved it. I also baked desserts, making sure I always made enough for Greasy Sae and her granddaughter as well.

Katniss and I never saw each other during the day. I'm not quite sure what she did, though I suspected hunting was part of her routine as we always had fresh meat for dinner. I sometimes found myself wondering if she thought of Gale while she was in the woods.

Then I wondered if she thought at all, as she never spoke.

I spent my days helping rebuild the District. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it was because people still lived here, no better now than they were before the Rebellion. Granted President Paylor was doing all she could. I had caught a program the other night about the updates and plans she had for all the Districts. Apparently each District had a Captain sent to them that was in charge of the rebuilding movement. The next morning I had gone into town and signed up to help rebuild.

I was put in charge of the bakery, respectively.

As I did every night after dinner, I helped Katniss with the dishes. We washed, dried, and put them up in silence. Afterwards she would always politely thank me.

"Goodnight," I would tell her, and head towards the door. She always waited until I had reached the door to softly say,

"Night, Peeta."

And then I was on my way home. Most nights I checked in on Haymitch, but some nights, like tonight, I was completely drained.

Being with Katniss always drained me.

It went on for weeks, a month, then two months, with us hardly ever saying a word to each other. If it weren't for conversations with Haymitch and Dr. Aurelius my voice would probably be hoarse. It was often too loud to talk during reconstruction, but I at least got to talk during lunch.

Most people left me alone, probably under the captain's orders. He probably assumed the last thing I needed was people asking me a thousand and one questions, and he'd be right, so I was grateful. I didn't feel like reliving it.

I did that enough around Katniss.

I still suffered from flashbacks. Dr. Aurelius assured me that I would not be a danger to Katniss, and that the medication he had me on would help me control them. I had them almost every night after leaving Katniss'. I think it's because I spent dinner fighting the demons that wanted to posses me.

As the anniversary of the Rebellion approached, I noticed a distinct change in Katniss. It took me a few days to realize that this wasn't the Rebellion that killed Coin for her. It was the Rebellion that lost her Prim.

Her eyes became more and more vacant, and she stopped eating dinner. She sat at the table, her plate full and steaming, but never ate more than a bite. Greasy Sae seemed to know, and she started staying later to make sure that Katniss got at least a few bites. But after she left, Katniss just sat there, allowing her food to go cold.

I tried to convince her to eat, but it was no use.

Buttercup seemed to notice a change in Katniss too. He sat at Katniss' feet as if trying to protect her.

Two days before the anniversary I approached Katniss' house, but it was dark. There were no lights on, no signs of life from within. I thought I should leave, but something was stopping me. I walked up to the porch, wondering if I should knock, telling myself to hurry and make a decision, as it was cold outside.

Exhaling, the smoke from the cold white ringlets around my mouth, I knocked. I was unsurprised to find that she did not answer, not even after four knocks. Finally I tried to knob. It was open. We didn't lock doors, none of us, including Haymitch.

I walked inside the dark house, noted that I smelled nothing. Greasy Sae hadn't been here today, and if she had, it was only for breakfast.

It was so early. Barely six. The house was dark because the sun set earlier now that it was winter, but there was no reason as to why Katniss should be sleep this early. I turned on a light and looked around. The place felt empty.

I glanced around the kitchen, sitting my loaf of bread down on the counter, and noted the plate of fruit from this morning, confirming that Greasy Sae had indeed been there earlier, but not since.

"Katniss?" I called out.

I hadn't really expected her to answer.

I made my way up the stairs, cautiously, slowly, willing myself to calm my pounding heart.

_She's just asleep_, I tell myself. _She went to bed early, that's all_.

When I pushed open her door, I saw that the bed was empty.

Then panic started to creep in.

The last time I had lost her, I was taken to the Capitol.

"Katniss? Katniss? _Katniss?_" I spun around, taking in every inch of the room, noticing the cat by the closet door. I went into the bathroom, knew it was empty, but still looked behind the shower curtain. I ran throughout the house, calling her name, over and over again, searching in places I knew she couldn't be, like underneath the cabinets. I even went into the basement.

Maybe she went to the forest.

But no. She hadn't eaten the food from this morning. Her bed was made, but I was assuming that was from waking up this morning. What if she had never gone to bed?

_Think Peeta_, I told myself. I took a calming breath and closed my eyes. When I had left dinner last night, I had turned and saw her standing at the window in the living room, watching me. I saw that light from her window was still on when I clicked out my own bedroom light a few hours later.

That light had been off tonight, so she had turned it off. Where had she gone between the time I went to bed and right now?

I searched the floor in the hallway. I didn't see her snow boots. She always left them by the door so she wouldn't get mud on the floor. Maybe they were up in her room. If they weren't, I'd go looking for her in the woods.

I went back upstairs, as fast as my legs would carry me, and glanced around her room again.

No snow boots.

Closet. Let me check the closet.

Moving Buttercup aside, ignoring his hiss, I flung the door open, and there she was, curled up in a ball.

Her snow boots were still on her feet.

"What the _hell_, Katniss? Didn't you hear me calling you?" I bent down and pulled her out of the closet, clenching my jaw in anger. She whimpered and I noticed how pale she was. Her eyes were wild, haunted, and blood shot.

I didn't know exactly what to do, so I did the only thing I could think of: I pulled her into me. She immediately started crying. I rocked her, patting her hair, murmuring words to comfort her. "What's wrong? What is it?"

"You," she choked out, and I froze. She pushed me away so that she could look into my eyes. "Last night." She gulped. "I had a nightmare. Fell asleep at the window. Woke up and saw your light was still on. I just wanted to talk for minute, calm my nerves." She brushed away the tears. "I went over to your place."

My heart sank. I knew what she was about to say.

"I found you. In your kitchen. You were… not well."

I had had a flashback last night.

"You were on the ground, your back to me, gripping your hair, in pain. So much pain. I just wanted to hold you, comfort you. But I was scared. So scared."

I didn't remember her being there. Did I hurt her?

She must have seen the panic in my eyes. "You never knew I was there. I made sure of that. I was afraid if you saw me you'd ask me to kill you again, and I couldn't do that, so I left. But I felt like I was leaving you all over again. I felt like I was deserting you. I ran home and came to the closet. It's the only comfort I have when I don't have you." She added the last part softly.

Somewhere on the surface I realized this is the most conversation we've had in months.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that, Katniss," I finally told her.

"Do you get them every night?" I thought about lying to her, because I knew she'd feel the guilt, but I couldn't. I was not about to lie to Katniss.

"Most nights, yes."

"Because you're around me?"

A few nights ago Haymitch had told me that Katniss was 'slipping.' "_The closer we get to Prim's death, the farther away she gets_." But I disagreed. She seemed sharper than ever.

I didn't want to lie to her, but I wasn't about to answer her, either. So I changed the subject. "Can you stand?" She sighed but nodded. "Why don't you take a shower? I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay," she said softly. I waited until I heard the water running before heading downstairs. I turned Katniss' stove on and sat the bread in the oven so that it could warm up. Then I ran to my house and gathered some eggs and fruit. I figured Katniss didn't have anything at her place since Greasy Sae always made breakfast.

By the time Katniss got out of the shower I had a fire going and was just finishing cooking. I had cleaned up the food from this morning. She sat down, Buttercup next to her, dressed in sweats and an oversized shirt that I realized was mine.

"Where'd you get that shirt?"

She looked down. "I stole it from you while you were in the—" Katniss stopped herself from saying 'Capitol' and finished with, "while you were away."

"Haymitch said you used to sneak into my bedroom. Real or not real?"

She flushed, and wouldn't meet my eye. I knew the answer already. I smelled her my first new nights in bed.

"Real," she finally responded softly. I hid a grin as I sat at plate down in front of her.

"Eat." She just stared. I sighed and lowered myself next to her. "Katniss you need to eat. I know you're sad, but you still need sustenance."

"I didn't eat for months while you were gone." Was that her counterargument?

"Please? If you eat I'll let you have cheese bread." She looked at me and sighed and picked up a piece of fruit and bit into it. I didn't move until she swallowed.

We went back to silence as she ate. I made sure she ate it all before getting the bread from the oven. Afterwards I gathered our dishes and headed to the sink.

"Leave them. I'll get them tomorrow."

I wondered if she was trying to get to me to leave, so I did as I was told and left them in the sink. I grabbed my jacket from the back of the chair and put it on, buttoning it as I walked towards the door.

"Try to get some rest, Katniss," I told her.

"Peeta, wait." I turned. She was standing in the middle of the hallway. "I want to make a book."

"A… a book?"

"Yah, like we did for the plants. I want to do another one, about the Games. I want to include everyone, and everything." I just blinked at her. "Dr. Aurelius thought it'd be therapeutic," she mumbled when I didn't respond.

"You've been talking to Dr. Aurelius?"

"Yes."

"When?"

She shrugged. "A couple of times a week. More, now that…." Her voice trailed off and I knew she was going to say now that we were closer to the anniversary.

"Is it helping?"

"Not as much as I think this book will."

"When will you start?"

"When are you free?" I stared at her. "I can't do this without you, Peeta. I'll write, and you'll draw. Please?"

Who I was to deny her? I still had flashbacks—would always have flashbacks—but I had remembered enough that I could never tell her no, unless she was asking me to let her die. That I couldn't do.

"We can start tomorrow night."

"It won't be easy," she told me. "I'll understand if you need time. Sometimes I will. But we have to do this. We have to."

The more she talked about it, the more I realize she's right.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Katniss. Goodnight."

"Night, Peeta."


	6. Chapter 6

When I heard a soft knock on my door the next morning, at first I thought it was Haymitch, which, in retrospect, was stupid, because Haymitch never knocked. When Katniss poked her head through, I stiffened. I felt the struggle hit me, full in the gut, and spun around. I took several deep gulps, repeating _not real, not real, not real _over and over and over again in my head.

"Peeta."

Oh my God, she was right behind me.

When she touched me, I went rigid, but she didn't let me go. Instead she firmed her grip on my shoulder.

Was she about to kill me?

She turned me around and cupped my cheeks. I could feel my heart pounding, and I knew I should defend myself, but I was paralyzed.

She hadn't been this close to me since… last night.

Last night. In her closet. I had hugged her as she cried.

"Come back to me, Peeta," she told me. "Don't let him take you from me."

Snow flashed in my mind, briefly.

"Stay with me."

I clenched my jaw, muttering _not real, not real, not real_, in my head, as I stared at her.

"Always," I finally gasped out.

And there he was. Good Peeta. Good Peeta was awake.

And Good Peeta was pissed.

"Why, _why_ did you do that, Katniss? What if I had hurt you? Why did you stay?"

She blinked at me. "You didn't tell me to go."

"Jesus Christ," I cursed, pulling her into a hug, needing to feel her. Maybe she needed to feel me too, because she hugged me back. When I had my fill, I let her go. "What are you doing here?"

"I bought you game," said Katniss, pointing to the bag she had left on the floor. She must have dropped it when she approached me. "For the eggs and fruit from last night."

I frowned. "You didn't have to do that."

"Yes I did. You gave me your food. I owe you."

"No you don't," I snapped out, a little more harshly than I intended to. "You don't owe me anything, you know that, right?"

"But—"

"We're not poor, Katniss. And you don't owe me anything. Are we clear?"

"I never got to thank you."

"For what?"

"For saving my life," she told me.

"We saved each other's."

"Not for the Games. Before then." I blinked. Was she talking about the day I burned the bread for her? "I wanted to thank you. Really, I did. If not for me, then for Prim. She always loved your baking. Always. I always thought you'd be with somebody like her. Sweet and innocent, and so full of joy, and life."

"You _are_ somebody like her."

"I was never innocent."

"One out four isn't bad, Katniss. And you don't have to thank me."

"You saved us. Me."

"It's what we do. Real or not real?"

"Real," she whispered. "We save each other." She looked at me with a ferocity I hadn't seen in a long time. "So you can't ask me to leave you during a flashback, or get mad if I stay."

I felt cornered, wondering how she had just turned this around, so I stepped away from her.

"That's not the same."

"You're making it more than it has to be."

"You're not putting enough emphasis on how dangerous I am."

"You're putting too much emphasis on it, Peeta! You're not dangerous. They flooded your mind with poison to make you dangerous. Inside, you are innately good. You're good, Peeta." She took a deep breath. "You're the dandelion in the spring."

I blinked at her. "What does that mean?"

"That day, after school, when I was gonna thank you, something bright, something yellow caught my eye. It was a dandelion. It distracted me long enough to lose you in the crowd, but from that moment on, you and dandelions were synonyms in my mind."

I was still confused, but I was also touched.

For the first time in nearly a year, I wanted to kiss her.

Still, I refrained myself. Too much, too soon. I'd just had a flashback not five minutes ago.

"Thank you," was all I said, as I walked to the door. "I'll be at dinner tonight, okay?"

"Where are you going?" Her face turned red as she asked, so she looked down. "Sorry. That's none of my business."

I gave her a half smile. "I'm going into town to help rebuild."

"That's where you go every day?"

I gave her a full smile. "Are you saying you noticed when I'm not home?"

She blushed again. "Sometimes I see you leaving, or sometimes I see you coming back."

We stepped outside into the cold, her bag in her hand. "Do me a favor, check on Haymitch, will you?" She nodded. Again, I felt the need to kiss her, but I ignored it. "See you at dinner."

"Don't forget your tools to draw."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

When night starts to fall, I make my way back home. I allowed one of the guys to drop me off at the entrance to Victor's Village, as it's really cold out tonight, but normally I walk. The cold helps clear my mind. I thanked him and make my way towards home, stopping at Haymitch's. I should check in on him before I head home to clean up before Katniss'.

Today I found Haymitch outside, feeding his new geese.

"Your girlfriend already came by and checked on me," he said, a wry smile on his face.

"She's not my girlfriend," I responded, quite bitterly. Moments of today had been on my mind all day.

"Don't you still want her?"

"More than ever," I told him honestly. "It hit me today, fully, for the first time. And it scares me."

"You've never been scared of her before."

"I… I remember the first Games, Haymitch," I said quietly. "Or rather, I remember after the Games, on that train ride back home, being told it was all an act."

"She was in denial, kid. You were kids, Peeta. Children. You can't hold that against her."

"I just can't shake the feeling that she's only with me because there's no one else."

"Not real," Haymitch told me. "She could have tried contacting Gale, or eventually met up with her. She hasn't."

"Still, I feel like she feels like she owes me," I told Haymitch. _"I owe you_." I remembered the words she had said to me earlier.

"What do you want from her?"

"I want us to get married." What? I do? Since when? Wasn't that dangerous? This must be Good Peeta talking. "But she doesn't want to marry me," I continued. At that moment I noticed Haymitch wasn't looking at me, but behind me, his eyes wide. "Oh God. She's right behind me, isn't she?" Haymitch's silence was my confirmation. "Just tell me if there's a bow pointed at my back, and if I'm about to die," I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Haymitch gives me a half grin. "Let's just say I wouldn't want to be you, kid."

I slowly turn around to face blazing eyes. But she didn't go off on me. When she spoke her voice was unnaturally calm. "I never not wanted to get married to you. I just didn't want to get married period. It was never anything personal. Marriage means having kids, and I don't want kids."

"See? She wouldn't have married Gale, either." We both scowled at Haymitch's comment.

"And to think I came over here to invite you to dinner tonight."

Haymitch looked surprised. "What time?"

Katniss shrugged. "Whenever Peeta's done getting ready."

Haymitch looked at me and I looked at him. "I'll be there," Haymitch said.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We got into a routine. We had learned the hard way, only once, that we should never meet _before_ dinner again, because we didn't have the appetite to eat after discussing so much death. I had suggested it, because making the book brought us late into the night, or early into the morning, depending on how you looked at, so the next day, we met early, before dinner, but instead of eating we both just sat there, thinking, Katniss about what she had just written, and me about who I had just drawn.

It had seemed like such a good idea at first, until it sunk in how painful it would be. When we had first started, right around the anniversary, plenty of specials of the Games were shown. We watched some of it, what we could, at least, before it got to be too much. Then we would start writing but I wasn't so sure that it was really therapeutic.

She asked me into her bed for the first time a month after we started.

I could tell she wasn't sleeping well. She started eating again now that the anniversary had passed, but there were dark circles under eyes as sleep started to escape her. I knew she was having nightmares because I was too.

I decided to stay with her, because I knew she needed it, and dammit, so did I, but I slept on the floor, refusing her bed.

Buttercup kept her company.

I was still having flashbacks, sometimes twice a day, now that we were doing the book.

Then, it happened.

It was bad. Really bad.

I had run out of black so I had sprinted back to my place to grab another pack. As soon as I neared my house it hit me. It's like my subconscious is aware that I'm no longer around Katniss.

When she came to look for me, having been gone for too long, I was at the front door, hyperventilating.

She fought with me to come back to her, but I was too far gone.

She was close to me, so close to me, and all I could remember was the thrill I felt at wrapping my fingers tightly around her neck.

"Go. _Go_," I had screamed, because I was so close to snapping.

She looked stubborn, like if she was going to leave, I'd have to make her leave.

I could make her leave.

Permanently.

I was slipping.

"You promised," I croaked out. "You promised me."

Her eyes welled with tears and she took one hesitant step towards me.

"Leave, mutt!"

It seemed to be those words that did it. She looked heartbroken, but I was too far away to care. Only when I snapped out of it, hours later, tied up to my chair, did the guilt start to overwhelm me.

I deserted her after that. She gave me a week to come around, but after that she walked through my door one day, unexpectedly, trying to talk, and I asked her to leave, I lost count how many times, but she wouldn't. She kept saying she didn't blame me, that she understood, but she didn't comprehend that that was making me feel worse, not better.

I left her, then, left my own house to leave her. I walked to town, just walked, and walked, until nightfall came and it was pitch black outside.

I came home to an empty house, noting that my heart felt emptier.

She didn't seek me out again after that, but Haymitch did. He tried to talk reason into me, but I started to shut him out too.

After a month I started locking my doors.

That's when they got the hint.

I had no idea how long I was in my state of isolate depression. After a while I started to realize that the days became warmer, longer, as I helped rebuild the bakery.

It would be spring soon.

I had started painting my house too. It was just so much white. Too much white. White walls everywhere.

They dressed me in white.

All white.

There was nothing pure about white, with Snow's white roses and white uniforms and crisp white tuxedos and a white wedding dress, made to mock our non-existent love.

I hated white.

One day when I got home, there was a dandelion on my doorstep. A bright, yellow dandelion. Proof that spring was here, and I didn't even remember its arrival.

I had a breakdown after that, and cried for the woman I loved, knowing I could never love her the way I used to again. That Peeta was gone. Good Peeta was gone.

"Gone," I whispered into the lonely night.

I crushed the dandelion into the palm of my hand and let it fall to the ground as I walked inside my house.


	7. Chapter 7

**It's Thursday! That means there's a new chapter! I may not post every day, but do know that come Thursday, there wil be a new chapter posted! Anything before or after is an added bonus!**

**I'm loving the Reviews! You guys are great. I'm so glad you liked the story. I told ya'll if I owned Hunger Game's it'd have ended differently.**

**Until we get to that, enjoy!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

Katniss stormed into my place, up to my bedroom, not even bothering to knock, a few days after the dandelion incident. I wondered how she had gotten in, as I had made a habit of locking my door. I must have forgotten to this time.

Seeing her makes me sad, because she looks a mess, and I know it's my fault. I abandoned her, and the book, and I've never done that before by choice. Still, I can't give in, because she's safe this way. She's safer away from me.

"What do you want?" I asked her, making sure my voice was cold.

Why was it so easy? Maybe because I had had a flashback, just that morning.

"Say what you need to say, because this stops, right here, right now." Her voice was just as cold, just as brittle as mine, only hers was shaking with anger.

"What stops right here and now?"

"You. Me. _Us_. _Whatever _the issue is. We have it out, right now, because I'm so tired. So tired, Peeta."

"Tired of what?" I challenged.

"You shutting me out! You don't get to shut me out."

I wasn't quite sure what I thought she'd say, but that wasn't it. Suddenly I didn't have to make myself angry anymore. The anger came, full force. "_You're_ talking to _me_ about being shut out? _You_? You're not _just_ the Darling of the Capitol. You're not just the Girl on Fire. You're not just the Mockingjay. You're the _queen_ of shutting people out. Don't like the taste of your own medicine?" I can see Katniss get angrier and angrier as I speak, but I continue. I think of everything she's ever done and spit fire at her. I'd say anything to get her to leave, to see she's better off without me. "Swear to God if we were really married, I'd ask for a divorce." Her eyes widened with tears, and I could tell she was hurt, so hurt. I tried not to cringe, telling myself it had to be like this, that this was for the best.

Where was Good Peeta, and why wouldn't he make this better?

"How dare you? How dare you make me care for you and then you just take it away?"

"Really? And how many years did you lead me on? I've loved you since I was five years old, yet you didn't want me until I didn't have anything left to give you."

She let the angry tears fall. "Why did you come back? Why did they let you come back if you weren't any better?"

"I am better, Katniss. I know what's real and what's not real." I had to make her understand. "You wanna know what memory keeps replaying in my mind? You voting yes for more Games. The fact that you could be so _cruel_, that you would want somebody else's kids to go through what we went through, was an eye opener."

Shocked. Incredibly shocked. That was the look on her face as she stared at me.

"I was grieving!" Her voice cracked and she gulped for breath. "Plus I needed Coin to think I was on her side. You know that right? You can't judge me off of that. I have never asked you for anything. You've always willing given everything, way more than I ever have. I don't have the right to ask you for anything. But if that's all that stopping you from loving me, I'm begging you, begging you. Please, please don't base who I am off of that moment. It wasn't my finest hour. Please."

Watching her breakdown broke me, and I felt Good Peeta stirring awake.

"Don't cry, Katniss."

"Haymitch said I didn't deserve you, and I know I don't, but I didn't expect this. I've seen your temper before, when you and Haymitch fought on that train. When you smashed that lamp in 11 when you found out Haymitch and I had held information from you. And when you were still getting treatment. You said some cruel things. But I never thought I'd see you like this. Not to anybody, but especially not to me."

Dammit. Got dammit. This time, a different kind of guilt filled my veins. "I'm sorry Katniss. I'm so sorry. It's me. I just can't. I don't know how to deal with this. There are no cameras. And I don't know what that means for us."

She stiffened. "You still think I'm acting?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." I put my hands over my face, taking a deep breath, then let them fall to my side. "I'm scared you feel like you owe me."

"When we were on the Victory Tour, and we knew we had to get married, and you shut yourself in your room, I talked to Haymitch, because I was confused. I thought it was what you had wanted. But he told me that you didn't want it like that. You wanted it to be real." She stared at me, her grey eyes fierce. "This is real, Peeta. How I feel is real. You're my dandelion in the spring. You can choose to believe it or not. But I can't keep doing this, the back and forth. I'm not strong enough. You're doing me how I did you, and I can't handle it. I was never as strong as you. So I'm going to tell you the same thing you told me, when we got home from the 74th Hunger Games: when you figure it out, let me know." She turned on her heels and headed towards the door. She was almost gone when I spoke.

"I heard you call Gale's name, after I stopped you from taking the nightlock. It destroyed me, because I thought you still preferred him over me."

She slowly turned around, scowling, "I told you that the last person you'd ever have to worry about is Gale."

"Only because he killed Prim."

Katniss shook her head. "I chose you the minute I decided I was ready to die for you in that arena."

"Do you hate Gale?" I despised how childish I sounded, but I felt the familiar feeling of jealousy possessing me. Maybe Good Peeta would awaken after all.

"I hate myself," she answered. "I hate myself for not seeing what Gale was when I had the chance. He got mad at me, you know. When I suggested we run into the forest. He got mad at me because I wanted to bring you and your family along. That should have been my wake up call." She paused. "You keep letting him come between us, but he's not even here. There is no me and Gale. And there hasn't been since that day on the beach. Come to me when you remember that moment."

And just like that, she was gone.

I went downstairs, about an hour later, and noticed the glass on the floor. I had locked the door, like I thought.

Katniss had broken in.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Though I knew I had to make things right with Katiss, I still avoided her. I had to place a call to Dr. Aurelius to have him assure me, once again, that I wouldn't ever really hurt her.

I was trying to figure out a way to make up the past few months to her. I hated knowing that I was causing her more pain. Like we didn't have enough pain already. I just needed _time_, so I filled my days by finishing up the bakery.

After six months of working from sun up until sun down every single day, it was nearly finished.

I had grown stronger over the past months. All the work had gotten me back into shape, and I was bigger now than I was before the Games.

Truth was, I was becoming a man.

I was eighteen, soon to be nineteen.

Where had the time gone?

I was painting the door of the bakery, a week after Katniss and I had had our argument, when I heard the hovercraft.

I stiffened, dropping the paintbrush, and looked up to the sky. I was frozen for about ten seconds. I could hear the other men calling my name, some of them stepping up to me, but I ignored them.

Only one thing was going through my head: they would not take Katniss.

I ran, ran as fast as I could, ignoring the shouts as I headed towards Victor's Village. I'm not sure how I was running, figuring I could barely breathe. My heart was in my throat, and I couldn't even call out Katniss' name. It didn't register that she wouldn't be able to hear me. I was just so afraid, nearly paralyzed with fear, only I couldn't freeze, because I had to, absolutely had to get to her.

I didn't find my voice, until I saw her running, Haymitch behind her.

"Katniss!" I screamed, and ran towards her. When I got close enough, I saw she was struggling with Haymitch. She looked… _crazy. _Her hair was halfway unraveled from its signature braid, she had a wild look in her eye, and I could tell she was screaming. It reminded me of how she reacted at the end of the 74th Games. I kept running until I started to close in on them.

"Let go! Let me go," cried Katniss. "I have to get to him."

"He's fine," I heard Haymitch say.

"You're a liar," yelled Katniss. "You've lied to me before. You're a liar." Then she drew back her hand and hit Haymitch dead center in his nose.

"Katniss," I called, sprinting towards her.

At that moment she heard me, and I saw the relief on her face. She was sobbing when she approached me, and threw her arms around me.

"I thought they were coming to take you," choked out Katniss. She looked this crazy… for _me_? She'd run here for me?

"I thought they were coming to take you," I replied, my own eyes filling with tears. I buried my face in my neck, my heart hammering, and took in her scent. She was shaking life a leaf and I pulled her closer to me.

"No one's coming to take anybody," panted Haymitch, and I noticed the blood pouring out of his nose. "That's Effie, you fools." He spit out the blood that was in his mouth.

"Effie?" Katniss turned around and stared at Haymitch, but we haven't let each other go.

"Yes, sweetheart, Effie. Remember? Gold hair, tons of makeup, dresses and talks funny? We invited her here for a few weeks for your birthday."

Oh my God. I'd forgotten Katniss' birthday.

I hadn't even known it was May.

What the hell was happening to me?

"Effie." Katniss looked horrified as it started to sink in.

At that moment, some random man came up to us "Are you guys okay?"

"We're fine," barked out Haymitch, and then he grabbed Katniss and me and drug us to a deserted alley. "Stupid, stupid woman. I _told_ her not to show up here in a hovercraft. Spoiled. She's so spoiled." He scowled as he looked at us. "You two need to understand something: you're safe. We won. The Games are over. Snow isn't in charge anymore. You may not ever be fine again, but you are safe. You two need to realize that. Stop walking on eggshells."

I nodded as what he says starts to sink in. In retrospect, I completely overreacted.

It gave me great pleasure to know Katniss had too.

"Safe?" asked Katniss softly, and it made me look at her. She still looked terrified, so I did the only thing I knew how to do: squeezed her hand in comfort.

"Safe," repeated Haymitch, and then he hugged us both. Katniss sobbed into his arms for a few moments. When she finally composes herself he said, "Now lets go get Effie."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

If Effie hadn't spoken directly to us, I would never have recognized her. The gold wig was gone, replaced with what had to be her real hair. It was in soft blonde curls, and fell to her shoulders. The dramatic makeup was gone, though she still wore eye shadow, eyeliner, lipstick and blush, but just enough to enhance her features, not cover them. She wore a lime colored suit with gold accessories, but she looked pretty, not overly done.

If her eyes didn't look so vacant, she'd be beautiful.

She didn't look like the Effie I had ever known. But when she spoke, I knew it was her.

"Haymitch," she declared, looking mortified. "What happened to your face?"

"The Mockingjay has a mean punch," said Haymitch, clearly annoyed.

"What happened?"

"You flew the stupid hovercraft."

At his words, she visibly blanched. "Oh, Katniss, Peeta. So silly of me. I wasn't thinking. And Haymitch told me not to. Old habits die hard." She embraced us both, kissing us lightly on each cheek. "Katniss, you were right. Peeta does look well. Very handsome indeed."

I could see Katniss blushing out of the corner of my eye.

We made our way to Victor's Village, making small talk as we walked. Katniss and I weren't holding hands anymore. In fact, she had walked ahead of everyone, her arms around her chest. When we reached her house she turned to Effie.

"Why don't you go ahead and head up to your old room? I need to talk to Haymitch for a moment."

"Of course," smiled Effie. She was almost inside when she turned to me. "I'd _love_ some garlic bread tonight, if you don't mind."

"I—" I snuck a quick glance at Katniss. She was scowling at Effie, and my heart sank. She didn't want me here. Was I too late? Was I too late to try and make things right with her?

"Sounds delicious," spoke Katniss, sparing me a glance. "Dinner's at seven. See you then."

I was being dismissed, and I had to stop myself from scowling. I had done this to her.

To us.

As I made my way downstairs I heard her say, "I'm sorry I hit you."

"You were delirious."

"I was scared," she muttered.

What Haymitch said after that I'd never know, because I was out of earshot.

As I showered, and started making bread for dinner, I knew one thing: I had to get Katniss back.

Seeing that hovercraft had knocked some sense into me like nothing else could.

She was all I'd ever wanted. I had no business pushing her away. The flashbacks… well we would just have to deal with them when they came. We'd figure it out.

We'd gotten through much worse before.


	8. Chapter 8

I didn't knock on the door when I got to Katniss' because it was slightly ajar. I could hear hushed voices, and didn't want to eavesdrop, until I heard my name.

"Peeta hates me," Katniss was saying.

"You two are crazy," Haymitch nearly whined. "Insane. Both of you. Peeta knows you're in love with him. _Everybody_ knows you're in love with him. Everyone except you. Wake up. Peeta accepts you for exactly who you are. He loves you just like this. He always has. If you want to change, change. But don't change for Peeta. You're perfect in his eyes, and can do no wrong. If you're gonna change, change for you."

"He'll never allow himself to love me again. Snow took him. He took Peeta."

"Not all of him. You two aren't kids anymore. You need to be adults and grow up. I don't know how two people can skirt around each other so much and live only three houses away from each other. It's ridiculous."

"He won't talk to me."

"_He won't talk to me_," mimicked Haymitch. "When has that stopped you? When has _anything_ ever stopped you? You're two things, always, Katniss: stubborn, and good with a bow. If you want Peeta, go get Peeta. He can't always come to you."

"He used to," said Katniss softly.

"He's broken too, Katniss. You spent _months_ begging me to bring him back to you. Now the rest is up to you."

"I don't know how to let people in," Kantiss mumbled.

"He's already in, sweetheart. You just have to admit it. Once you do that, the rest will be easy." I heard Haymitch start to approach the door, so I went ahead and opened it. "Oh look, it's Peeta." Haymitch stopped and faced both us. "Talk. Like adults. I'll be back in a little while."

And with that, he was gone.

Katniss wouldn't look at me, which was a good thing, because I was gaping. She looked… _amazing_. Not like she did when Cinna dressed her. No, nothing would ever compare to that. But she wore a white ruffled button up and a long, pleated black skirt. A black belt tied the two pieces together nicely.

Her hair was down.

"You're early," she said to the ground, breaking my thoughts.

"I was hoping we'd be able to talk," I told her gently. She looked up then.

"How much did you hear?"

"Enough," I told her. "Where's Effie?"

"Washing up." Katniss sighed. "Come on in. We can put the bread in the oven so it'll stay warm." As Katniss moved Buttercup, who was at her heels, moved with her.

I didn't give a damn about a loaf of bread.

"I was cold, and I was cruel," I told her, almost desperately.

She stopped dead in her tracks, her back to me. "You were like me." She sounded as if she was saying she deserved the way I treated her.

"I still love you, Katniss. I always have, and I always will. I'd like to make this right. I want to make _us_ right."

Katniss shook her head, and all I can think is that I'm too late.

Now she turned to face me, and her eyes were brimming with tears. "I don't want to be right, Peeta. We're gonna spend too much of our lives wondering what is right. No. I just want us to be real." She paused and stared at me intensely. "Because I'm just so damn tired of being not real."

When I kissed her, my body didn't stiffen. I didn't question it. I let it happen, like it should have happened ages ago, and when she kissed me back, I wondered how on earth I'd ever forgotten that I loved this woman.

It wasn't the kiss on the beach, or even _the_ kiss in the cave, but it was just as real.

And that's all that mattered.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Effie stayed for a few weeks, even helping in on the book Katniss and I had started again. Sometimes her and Haymitch pitched in together, letting us know when we were wrong about something or someone.

Katniss and Effie both broke down when we got to Rue.

We'd cried before, but it wasn't like this, so that night I put an end to it early.

"No, I'm okay, I'm okay," she had tried to assure me, but I put my foot down. I closed the book, sat my colored pencils on top of it, and calmed them down with tea. Their sniffles lasted through the rest of the night, until Effie quietly excused herself and made her way upstairs.

When Katniss and I were alone, I grabbed her and let her cry on my chest.

Touching her wasn't as hard as it once was.

I still had flashbacks, but not like before. The book was helping. It allowed me to remember things the way they really were. It seemed like as soon as I was able to remember that I loved Katniss, I was okay. Instead of haunting me like the first time, it was helping me.

We didn't do this often, though. Even after our kiss we were still awkward around each other, unsure. We were scared; to be honest, and still dealing with our own demons, so how on earth were we supposed to deal with the other's?

Sometimes I stayed with her, only staying in her bed one time. I think I was still gaining Buttercup's approval as he stared at me with defiance, challenging me to stay in his bed. But I wasn't in competition with the cat, as I didn't want to rush things, and Katniss seemed to understand, even if it made her sad.

I wondered if her arms ached for me the way mine ached for hers.

"Do you wanna go to bed?" I asked her quietly when she settled down. She wiped her eyes on her sleeves.

"No. Would you mind staying up to watch a movie with me?" I nodded and she stood up and disappeared upstairs.

I went and made us some hot chocolate and when she came back downstairs she had on another one of my shirts and a pair of sweatspants. She had laid out a shirt and pair of pants for me as well. I kept a few clothes here now, for convenience. I excused myself and slipped on the clothes, and when I got back Katniss had put the covers on the couch and was cuddled underneath them. I made to sit on the floor when she grabbed my wrist.

"Get in," she said. I hesitated and stared at her. "You're not dangerous, Peeta. Get in." I did as I was told, holding in a sigh of annoyance, and climbed onto the couch. My body acted on its own accord and snuggled into her, wrapping my arms around her waist. She sighed, content, a small smile on her face.

My annoyance evaporated and somehow I found myself smiling too.

Real.

This was real.

I felt her drift off to sleep. My arms moved in rhythm to her breathing. I buried my face in her hair, wishing I could kiss her, but afraid to at the same time.

Was it foolish for me to love a woman I wanted to sometimes kill?

What if she got tired of it? What if she got tired of _me_?

Not real. Not real. Not _real_.

"Katniss, wake up," I whispered after she had been sleep about an hour, and I felt my own eyes getting heavy. She stirred. "Do you want me to carry you to bed?"

"No. Let's just stay here tonight, like this. Please?"

She stared at me, her eyes slightly out of focus, sleep more pronounced than ever. I gave her a quick smile.

"Of course." I reached over and turned off the lamp, my heart hammering when she brought her head to my chest.

"Relax, Peeta," she mumbled into the night. "You're not dangerous, and I'm not afraid of you." I took a deep breath, and did as I was told. Slowly my arms started to relax as I rested them on her hips.

I'd be okay tonight.

Good Peeta was here.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I felt Katniss stir, but wasn't ready to wake up yet, so I kept my eyes shut. She sighed, and I willed her to go back to sleep. I wasn't sure what time it was, but it was still much too early.

I resisted the urge to shiver when I felt her finger caress my jaw, softly, gently, lovingly.

She thought I was still asleep; otherwise she'd have never been this vulnerable. Nor would she think I'd allow it, so she would never have tried.

I gave myself away when she planted a kiss on my jaw line. I felt my breath catch in my throat as my heart started to pound.

What was she doing?

She kissed me again, this time closer to my neck, and my eyes fluttered open. I took in the faint glow of dawn in the room, its hue blue in that soft light before the sun made it gold.

"Peeta."

I slowly turned my head to face her, telling myself to calm down, not to get too excited, because this was Katniss Everdeen, and she was innocent, so, so innocent, so surely she wasn't asking what I think she's asking, but she'd never, ever, _ever_ said my name like that.

Nor had she ever kissed me like this. I squeezed my eyes shut when her lips, hot, so hot, burning, captured mine. They scorched me, and consumed me with whatever fire she had, and suddenly I wanted her, had to have her, like I've never wanted her before, even though I _have_, certainly have, wanted her before, just like this, hot, and breathing heavy, for me, with me. Her tongue begged for entry, and I parted my mouth a little wider, granting her access, and I felt her snake her arms around my neck, her fingers in my hair, her body arching into me as she pulled me downward, trying to get me closer.

Was I dreaming? Please, God, don't let this be a dream, and if it is a dream, please don't let this end until it's finished.

"_Peeta_." Her voice was husky, and it was doing things to me.

I was hard a steel when she slithered under me and I placed myself on top of her.

She was kissing me again, and my head was swimming. I didn't know she knew how to kiss like this. I moaned, couldn't hold it in—was I supposed to hold in? Was that even humanly possible?

When she bit my bottom lip I could have came, right then and there.

I pulled away from her.

"Katniss," I finally heard myself whisper, though internally I was screaming at myself. I shouldn't be a gentleman. I should not, not, _not_ ask her if she was sure, if she was really ready, because she might change her mind, and I was in no position to have her change her mind.

Still, I rested my head on her forehead, breathing hard, giving her a chance to come to her senses and change her mind.

My heart sank when she started to push me away, but then I nearly cried with relief when I realized she was only trying to take my shirt off.

"Beautiful," she said when my shirt was off, and for the first time I remembered that I had scars. But that was okay, because so did she. And apparently she didn't seem to mind as she started touching me with a frenzy I've never seen or known. This was _not_ the Katniss who was too shy, too pure, to wash me in the 74th Games.

She reached up and kissed me again, and I was too stuck on stupid to do anything but lie there, kissing her back, as she touched my chest and arms, and then—

I gulped when her hand reached the waistband of my sweats.

When had she gotten so bold?

And how the hell did I miss it?

"May I?" she whispered.

"If you want to," I was able to respond coherently.

And just like that, she was gripping me.

I groaned and buried my face in the crook of her neck.

"Katniss," was all I was able to get out as she stroked me.

"Will you touch me Peeta?"

"_Fuck_." I thought I had said that in my mind, but her eyes widened in surprise and she stopped stroking me. Then she smiled at me and gripped me again.

I was trembling, weakened by her. She was everything, _everything_, and I had no idea how I had lived before her.

I slid my hand underneath her—my—shirt, and gripped her right breast. I hardened even more when I felt _her_ trembling.

I felt empowered.

I lowered my mouth onto her breast and grinned when she moaned and arched into me.

"Peeta." She was pleading now, and she cried out loudly when I bit her nipple.

She was pushing my pants down, and I was trying desperately to get her—my— shirt off without breaking away from her breast, when we heard the front door open.

We froze, both of us, at the exact same time.

Katniss looked terrified. I put my hands to my lips and she nodded, her eyes wide with fear. I quickly grabbed my shirt off of the floor, stuffing it in the covers, and the two of us moved as quickly and quietly as we could while trying not to make any noise.

"These children left the TV on," tisked Greasy Sae. We heard her walk towards the living room. We finished covering ourselves up and closed our eyes just in time. "Well what do we have here?"

At that moment we heard the pitter-patter of Greasy Sae's granddaughter.

"Looks like they fell asleep watching TV," Greasy Sae muttered. I heard the television being turned off and Greasy Sae's footsteps head towards the kitchen. "Leave them alone, chile. Let them sleep."

"Do you think Katniss will teach me how to hunt one day?" asked the girl as she followed her grandmother.

I felt Katniss stiffen at the question and I looked at her. Her eyes looked panicked and she started to squirm.

"Katniss, no," I whispered fiercely. "That's not what she meant." I wrapped my arms around her.

"I won't," choked out Katniss. "I won't teach her how to kill."

"That's not what she meant, Katniss," I repeated. "She just meant for game. She didn't mean to kill." I rocked her as she whimpered.

"Not kill?" She sounded broken again.

"No." I pressed my lips to her temple. "Not kill."

This time as I held her, and we drifted back off to sleep, Katniss was trembling for an entirely different reason.

**I know you all probably hate me for leading you all on like that! Imagine how Katniss and Peeta must feel! (LOL). Originally I did want this to be their first time, but I just can't see Katniss and Peeta's first time being on the couch, in her living room, with Effie upstairs. Give me a few more chapters and you'll get what you want. I'd like to remind everyone that this IS rated 'M' for a reason!**

**If you haven't noticed, I've been trying to make Katniss more vocal in helping Peeta. I can't see her just lying down and accepting him as is. I do think it'd have taken her time. She's broken too, and not taking the loss of Prim well. However, I do believe she'd have been instrumental in bringing 'Good Peeta' back, as he will be with her. They're starting to comfort each other.**

**I wanted to make Katniss stubborn, which is why you'll see a lot of her trying to talk him through his flashbacks. I think after deserting Peeta the first time, and after talking with Haymitch, she wants to do for him what he'd do for her: bring him back.**

**Keep reading and keep Reviewing! I appreciate ALL the feedback and support.**

**Until next time**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


	9. Chapter 9

Effie's visit was everything it was supposed to be. She lightened the atmosphere considerably. Though she looked completely different than I had ever seen her, she was mostly the same. She still cared a great deal about manners, but she was a lot more tolerable and manageable. Her and Katniss understood each other a little better, and for a brief moment I wondered what the two of them experienced while I was away in the Capitol.

I had dinner with them most nights, with limited flashbacks, even after working on the book. I stayed there too, in Katniss' bed, trusting myself for the first time in over a year and a half.

Buttercup took a while, but he finally understood that I wasn't going anywhere.

Katniss and I never repeated that night we had on the couch, never even really came close. We never discussed it either, and I thought she might pull away from me, embarrassed, but instead we snuck shy glances and soft smiles at each other. We tended to touch each other a lot more now, just delicate brushes whenever we were near each other.

If Effie, Haymitch, or Greasy Sae noticed a difference, they never said anything.

On Effie's last night we had a big dinner at Katniss'. Haymitch even came completely sober. Greasy Sae was there, too, and I realized she and Effie were friends. They must have gotten close when she was here last year.

Katniss had hunted game and we had lamb stew while I had attempted to make a special kind of bread the Capitol made, all in honor of Effie's last night.

"Peeta, this bread is magnificent," Effie told me as she popped a piece into her mouth, and I smiled a thank you. "I must insist you come to the Capitol and show them how to make it just like this."

I should have quietly made my exit at her words, but instead, I panicked when I felt the familiar attack coming. I stood up suddenly, knocking my chair over. Effie gasped and Haymitch and Katniss stood up.

"I have to go," I gasped out, and immediately turned and left. I knew Katniss would follow me, because that's just Katniss, but I knew it would be a bad one, so I hurried to try and get away from her. When she grabbed me and spun me around I immediately squeezed my eyes shut, telling myself over and over again, '_not real, not real, not real, not real._'

"Please don't leave," whispered Katniss, but I have to go, I have to leave, because _not real_ is not working.

"Haymitch," is all I can say, and I'm pleading, pleading with my former mentor to get Katniss away from me.

I hear Katniss take in a sharp breath and I open my eyes to see Haymitch pulling her away from me. She's crying as she looks at me. Effie has walked into the hallway, her hand across her lips, her own eyes filled with tears.

"Let him go, sweetheart," Haymitch murmured, but Katniss is still struggling against him.

"I'll give you time," said Katniss, her voice shaking, "but don't abandon me. Not like last time."

"Come on, Katniss," and now Haymitch is forcibly trying to drag her away.

"I'm sorry," was all I was able to say, and then I turned and left.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I made my way back to Katniss' several hours later. It was well past midnight by now, and I knew Katniss would probably be asleep, but I still had to go to her.

My last flashback had shaken me, to my core, and I needed to see her, feel her.

That was different than it usually was. Usually I needed my space.

I walked into the house, being as quiet as I could, and was therefore surprised when I saw that she was sitting up when I opened her door and stepped inside.

She had the ears of a hunter.

Buttercup lied next to her, his eyes on me. I swore he looked disappointed in me.

"Are you here to kill me?" asked Katniss, and I felt my heart drop. She must have seen the look on my face because she gave me an ironic smile. "The question sucks, doesn't it? Maybe you'll think twice before asking me that again."

Jesus. Point taken.

"You came back." She slipped out of bed and engulfed me in a hug that I reluctantly returned. Noticing my stiffness she lets me go and backed away from me, sitting down on the bed. I hesitantly grabbed her hand and even at this minute amount of contact she looked thrilled.

I sat down next to her, but not too close, because I had to take this slow. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Have we ever…? Did we ever…?" I could feel my face warming. I kept searching my brain for words but for the first time they failed me. Katniss seemed to know what I was thinking after a few moments, though, because she blushes furiously.

"No. The closest we ever came was that morning Sae interrupted us."

I exhaled a breath I hadn't even known I was holding. "Thank God." Katniss snatched her hand away and turned her head from me. I realized how what I had just said sounded and grabbed her hand back. "I didn't mean it like that," I assured her. "I was just thinking that if we had, if I had shared that with you, and didn't, or couldn't remember, I'd be devastated. I'm glad we haven't yet. I want to remember when we do." She didn't say anything to this, but I hadn't really expected her to. I wanted to kiss her, but wasn't sure it was such a good idea, so I made my way to leave. As I stood she gripped my hand harder.

"Stay." I bit my lower lip. Did she know how hard it was to tell her no? How hard it was to be here right now, so soon after my flashback? "Please."

Holding in a sigh I shooed Buttercup off the bed and lied down next to her, on top of the covers, wrapping my arms around her frame. "Always," I heard myself whisper, and I realized I hadn't even meant to say it; it just came out. It felt _natural_. She sighed and relaxed against me at those words.

Before she drifted off to sleep I spoke into the night. "Katniss?"

"Hmm?" I knew she was close to sleep, but I had to ask. I had to. "If we never… you know… then… there was never really a baby, was there?"

I cringed when she stiffened. I turned to her and could see the panic in her eyes.

"Is that what your flashback was about?"

I nodded. "Why would we say you were pregnant if you weren't?"

"To try and get me out of the Quarter Quell."

I stayed silent for a while and I felt her body start to relax. "So we never had a baby, because we never had sex… which means we were probably never really married either, right? Real?"

When she spoke there was sadness in her voice. "No, Peeta. That's not real either."

I let her drift off after that.

When she woke up the next morning, I was gone.

I should have known she'd come to find me. A couple of years ago I'd have loved that. Now? Now I didn't know what would happen when she came to me.

I was in my kitchen, baking bread, when I felt her presence, long before I heard her. She could have arrived there years ago and I'd have never known. But her scent? Her scent I'd always recognize.

I gripped the counter tightly, telling myself the familiar mantra of _not real_ inside my head. It only lasted a few seconds, thank God, and when it was over, I turned to her.

"Katniss you can't _do_ this," I scolded her. "You can't jus sneak up on me like this."

"I'm sorry." Dammit. I hate it when she sounds so sad.

"It's not that I don't want you around, or can't be around you. I do, and I can. I just need to _know_. Just… yell when you're coming in, okay? Can you do that?" She nodded, but wouldn't meet my eyes.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"For now," I replied honestly, and she looked so sad I had to add, "thanks."

"Are _we_ okay?" If I hadn't seen her lips move, I wouldn't have heard the question. She certainly knew how to tug on the corners of my heart.

I smiled at her. "Real."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

On the way to the train station to drop Effie off I asked them all to make a quick detour. We were quite early, and I had chosen this time on purpose.

I had something I wanted to show them.

Katniss seemed to catch on to where we were going a lot quicker than the other two, and she stopped dead in her tracks when it hit her.

"Are we—is it?"

I smiled and dangled the keys in front of her.

"The bakery's finished." She yelped and embraced me quickly, then let me go just as suddenly, as if she was afraid she would cause another flashback. I held on to her waist to assure her I was okay, and stared at Effie and Haymitch. "We finished construction a few weeks ago. It's the inside I want you to see."

We walked up to the bakery, taking in the sights as we did.

"Looks like the rest of this strip will be done soon," commented Effie.

"About another month or so," I told her. "The Hob's done too. I just have to finish painting it."

We reached the bakery and I unlocked the doors, my heart pounding. This was a really important moment for me.

I shouldn't have been worried.

They all loved it.

The walls were painted a soft yellow, and different types of breads were painted as decoration. On the wall facing the door, lined along with tables and chairs, was a painting of each District's specialty bread. All of the appliances were state of the art, brand new, and the best for my field. There were four ovens and a workstation as big as my family's old apartment. It was a spacious space, good for customers and employees. There was a baker's rack near the cash register that I would fill with desserts.

"Come on to the back office," I told them, and they all eagerly followed me.

I was most worried about Katniss' reaction to this room.

Indeed, she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw it.

"Damn, kid," was all Haymitch said, and I knew I had his approval.

The walls were painted the same soft yellow, but at the bottom of each wall were tiny little dandelions. On the largest wall I had painted a mural, and I held my breath as Katniss took in the field of primroses, along with Rue's face, and Finnick's and Cinna's, and her own.

She, of course, the Girl on Fire, the Mockingjay, was in the center, dressed in that long, black gown, flames at the bottom, her arms outstretched along with its wings, Rue, Cinna, and Finnick on both sides of her. Katniss stepped up to the painting, her fingers reaching out and touching her own face.

"Who _is_ she?" asked Katniss softly, her voice thick with emotion.

"You," I responded simply, and she turned to me, tears cascading down her cheeks.

"How do I be her again?"

I thought about what I had to do, in order to be the old Peeta, the Good Peeta. "Fight for her," I responded honestly.

"This is really beautiful, Peeta," Effie said, her own voice thick. I noticed the tears in her eyes.

"There's just one thing missing," Katniss said, and we turned to her. "You."

I smiled. "Nah. I thought it'd be too grandiose of me." They all laughed, and the tense, sad moment was over. "Can I talk to Katniss alone for a minute? We'll catch up with you guys." Haymitch and Effie made their exit and Katniss quietly stared at me. "I wanted to give you something." I dug around in my pocket and handed her an extra set of keys. "I wanted you to have these, because—" why was my heart hammering so harshly?—"I wanted you to know that you were always welcome here. My place is your place. If I belong here, then you do too."

It's not what I had planned to say, because of course I had written something down, but my brain had turned to mush. It didn't matter, however, because she flew to me, literally flew to me, and kissed me full on the mouth.

When her tongue slithered into my mouth I thought I'd probably die in that moment, only I didn't. I lived.

I lived.

Good Peeta lived.

In that moment I remembered Dr. Aurelius telling me that Katniss had told Haymitch to either let me paint, or let me come home.

Painting helped me.

But Katniss was curing me.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

A week after Effie had left I got a phone call.

The phone never rang, unless it was from Dr. Aurelius. Our sessions were down to once a week now, unless I had a particularly bad flashback. Normally he called on Saturdays, at noon.

Today was Friday.

Still, who else could it be? Dr. Aurelius was the only one who had my number, other than Haymitch and Katniss, and they wouldn't have to call. They could just walk right in.

It wasn't Dr. Aurelius, though, and nothing, _nothing_ could have prepared me for who it was.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I sat in Katniss' kitchen, Haymitch next to me, as Katniss paced, Buttercup mocking her every move.

"And she said _what_?" asked Katniss for the umpteenth time. Haymitch looked amused when I glanced at him, but I sighed.

"That she wanted to have a grand opening for my bakery. Well, for the entire District, but mainly my bakery."

"I could kill Effie. What was she thinking, telling Plutarch about the town's status? Then he tells _her_. They're insane. Not even a year ago I was crazy. Now they want to be friends?"

"This isn't exactly about you, sweetheart," Haymitch said. Katniss scowled at him. Then she fixed her steel grey eyes on me.

"What do _you_ want, Peeta?" I faltered. She'd never really asked me what I wanted before.

I shrugged but she kept eyeing me, so I spoke my mind. "You don't exactly ignore the President, Katniss."

She looked shocked. "But… but she wants to bring a _camera_ crew here, Peeta, to our _District_, for all of Panem to see."

"She's doing you a favor," Haymitch said, and I could see his mind starting to calculate, just like it used to for the Games. "A year ago you were deemed crazy. If you do this, people will see you two, still healing, but better. Much better. You still are the Mockingjay, Katniss, and the Rebellion still worships the ground you walk on. There are still documentaries on you two, new ones coming out every day. There will be movies, awards, et cetera. There's already talk of a memorial being built. You're the face of the Rebellion. That'll never change."

"I thought this wasn't about me." Katniss threw Haymitch's words back at him coldly.

"It's not. It'll be good publicity for 12. And it'll show that Paylor is the complete opposite of Snow. It'll show that she cares. When have you ever remembered 12 on TV, other than the day of the Reaping?"

Katniss had no argument for this, so she turned back to me. "Aren't you tired of living for the cameras?"

"I was tired of _pretending_ for the cameras," I told her truthfully, and perhaps that wasn't the right thing to say, because I think in that moment she thought I needed to see us really in love for the cameras, and that she owed me that, and maybe somewhere deep down I felt she did.

"Okay," sighed Katniss, walking up to me, and grabbing my hand. "Okay. If you want to, then we'll do this."

I smiled at her and she smiled back.

Real.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello my Loves! I decided to update AGAIN, because I can't tell those of who you keep Reviewing no LOL. I do want to take the time to thank you all so much for all the support. It's truly humbling!**

**Just FYI, I have somehow joined the Hayffie bandwagon, so I have posted two completely unrelated-to-this-story fan fics in regards to Haymitch and Effie. I'd LOVE for you all to read it and tell me what you all think in a Review, and if I should write a story about them (AFTER this one, of course), since I do ship them now.**

**The stories are called Not a Fairytale, and Let Me See the Best of You. I hope you all enjoy them as much as you enjoy this! And they're short one-shots, so they're quick and to the point. No suspense and drawing out story lines like in this one haha. FOR EVERY REVIEW I GET FOR THOSE STORIES, I'LL UPDATE THIS STORY!**

**Once again, thanks for all the support. Don't forget to Review ALL stories!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta **

I don't get nightmares as much as I used to. Not like Katniss does. I think because I live through my battles, while I'm awake. My flashbacks are my nightmares. The dreams that used to haunt me, of Katniss being a mutt, or me wanting to kill her, or her trying to kill me, those dreams don't haunt me when my eyes are closed and the moon is high.

No, they captivate me at random, for no reason at all, or for every reason. Who knows? All I know is one minute everything could be great, could be incredible, and the next, I could be far away, in another place, in another time.

I think I could live with the flashbacks, if they didn't hurt Katniss so badly.

I always shut her out afterwards. I didn't mean to. It just happened.

We were doing well. After we had agreed to do a small Interview for the grand opening, the "first major Interview from the face of the Rebellion," we were doing great. Caesar was the same as always, and the three of us still had great chemistry on camera. The grand opening of the bakery was fantastic, off to a great start thanks to the publicity.

But the flashbacks never went away.

They were less frequent now, which was fine, except that meant when they did come, they lasted longer, and they were brutal.

How long it took me to talk to Katniss afterwards normally depended on how bad the flashbacks were.

But we were getting better.

We'd finally grown into a routine.

The only problem is… we hated being away from each other.

Now that we were… what? Dating? Together? Now that we were whatever we were, it was difficult, really difficult, to go about our day, out of each other's sights.

When we weren't with each other, bad things tended to happen. Like I'd be taken to the Capitol.

We couldn't deny the overwhelming relief we had every single time one of us came into view.

I stayed with her most of the time, and it took us months for us to close the door while the other showered. At first we had to go downstairs at the same time, because we'd be so scared that something would happen to the other if we were apart. So I'd sit on the bed while she showered, and she'd do the same for me, then we'd make our way downstairs for breakfast.

Eventually, slowly but surely, we realized we couldn't live like this. I had a bakery to run, and she had to hunt. Having her at the bakery was a distraction I couldn't afford, because I tended to focus on her rather than the customers, and depending on what she was wearing, sometimes I'd forget about the bread I had in the oven and it'd burn.

I was nineteen, and despite having been a survivor of the Gamees twice, in spite having been hijacked by the Capitol, besides the fact that'd I'd killed before, I was still a hormonal teenager, and it didn't matter if she was wearing a skirt or pants, she was still Katniss Everdeen, and I still remembered the way she had touched me all those months ago.

Needless to say, the sexual tension was high.

So when I told her she couldn't stay at the bakery all day, because she was the most distracting thing in the world, she stopped coming.

She'd been amused, and I'd been embarrassed.

Still, it took some getting used to, not having her around, and we agreed that we had to always be home by sun down.

When she was late one day, walking through the door without a care in the world, I wasn't sure if I was pissed or relieved.

"You're late," I had said, walking out of the living room and following her as she made her way upstairs. Buttercup followed us.

"I know. I was talking with Greasy Sae and lost track of time."

I clenched my jaw together to get control of my rage. "If I'd known you were so close to the bakery, I'd have walked you home."

"I meant to stop in, wait for you, but like I said, I lost track of time." Why was she so damn nonchalant? I followed her to the bedroom and watched as she made her way to the bathroom. I turned and stared out the window, seething.

She came up behind me and pressed herself into me. I stiffened, but not like I would when I was about to have a flashback.

She knew this, so she turned me around to get a good look at me. "Peeta, what's wrong?"

"You're late," I repeated, and finally she got it.

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking, Peeta."

When did she ever?

I scowled and walked away from her, heading back downstairs to start on dinner.

I heard the shower running a few minutes later.

When she came down, Buttercup at her heels, in one of my shirts, that I knew now were hers, because I'd never get them back, she had her hair down.

Clever little fox.

She knew how to get to me.

"I've gotten comfortable, Peeta," she said without preamble, and I ignored her as I placed her food onto the table. "I know you're at the bakery all day, and then you come home. I forget it's not the same for me."

"No, it's not," I snapped. "You hunt, Katniss, and I don't know how long that takes you, but you're around animals, and traps, and bows, and… won't ever know if you got hurt until you're in front of me, whole, so when you aren't home by nightfall, I'm apprehensive. If Haymitch hadn't told me he'd seen you coming back from the woods, I would have been blind with worry."

"I just get so _bored,_ Peeta. After I hunt there's literally nothing else for me to do."

"You could start a hunting class," and honestly I had no idea where that came from, but I just knew I loved baking, which I had no problem doing all day, and that Katniss loved hunting, so it'd give her something to do.

And I'd know where she was.

She cocked her head at me as I sat down. "A hunting class?"

"Yah. You could teach kids of a certain age group how to hunt." I spooned some soup into my mouth.

"Survive," she whispered, and I noticed a distant look in her eyes as she spoke.

"What?"

She spaced out for another moment. "Survive. I'd teach them how to survive, not hunt."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I was handing Greasy Sae's daughter a cookie one day in August when I heard the bell chime as the bakery door opened. I glanced up and nearly dropped the cookie.

"Holy shit," was all I could say, taking one of Haymith's phrases.

The girl—woman—standing before me smiled brilliantly.

"_Delly_?"

She threw back her head and laughed at my astonishment, and then ran to hug me. I embraced her, tightly. After letting her go I ushered Greasy Sae's granddaughter back to the Hob, hung up the 'Lunch' sign to the door, and headed towards my office.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm back," she told me. "I… I saw you and Katniss on TV a couple of months ago, when this place had it's grand opening. I had to come back. It took a few months to get my affairs in order, but I'm here."

"And your brother?"

"He'll probably come back in a few more weeks. His job asked him to stay a little longer."

"Where have you guys been? In 13?"

"Yah. We never left. I didn't think I had anything to go back to, even though I missed it. When I saw you on TV, I knew I had to come home." We made it to my office and Delly stopped. "Wow," was all she said.

"It's something, isn't it?" We stared at the painting for a few moments.

"I'm glad you guys ended up working out," Delly said softly.

We caught up, and by the time I remembered that I actually had a business to run, it was closing time.

"Why don't you come by for dinner?" I asked her as I closed up the shop.

"I can't tonight, but I'm free tomorrow night."

"I'll let Katniss know."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I ran home, smiling the whole way. I found Katniss in the kitchen, with Greasy Sae, and spilled the news.

"Delly's back!" They both looked at me. Greasy Sae dropped her spoon and Katniss just gaped.

"Back where?" asked Katniss.

"Here! In12. I just saw her. Spent the past few hours with her, actually. She came back to work her father's shoe shop since she saw the District was being rebuilt." I told Katniss all about our conversation over dinner, and told Katniss that I had invited her to dinner.

"Where's she staying?" Katniss asked.

"I'm not sure," I shrugged, taking a bite. "I never asked. I did tell her we had rebuilt the shoe shop, and she should talk to Captain Lao since she's the rightful owner. I'm supposed to meet her tomorrow during my lunch to go with her." I looked up at Katniss, who had a look on her face that I couldn't quite place. "Do you wanna come? She'd love to see you." A look that could only described as relief washed over Katniss' face, and for the briefest moment I got the feeling that she had been jealous.

"Yah. Sure. I'd love to," said Katniss, and after that she was a lot more engaged in the conversation.

Later on that night, while we were working on the book, Katniss stopped writing and looked at me.

"You seem happy that Delly's back." Her voice was borderline accusatory, and once again I found myself wondering if she was jealous. At her words Buttercup's head poked up, as if he was listening. He stared at me accusingly.

"I am. She's an ally." I frowned, turning away from the cat. "I don't know why I used that choice of words. She's a friend, a familiar face, someone-"

"Someone who doesn't remind you of the Games," whispered Katniss.

I reached out and touched Katniss. "I was going to say someone who remembers me before the Games."

"I remember you before the Games," Katniss said, and I held in a smile, because I figured if she caught me smiling, she'd get defensive. Instead I kissed her.

"You and Delly aren't in competition. She's not my Gale."

Now she did scowl, and I laughed, bringing her to me and kissing her again.

God it felt good to laugh.

I must have assured Katniss that there was nothing between Delly and I, because she decided not to meet Delly with me during lunch, and she was pleasant and cordial at dinner, and if Katniss had proven anything over the years, it's that when she didn't like someone, she could be downright nasty. Hell, even when she did like someone she could still be nasty.

But I loved her.

She did seem upset when she saw all the trouble I was going through to make Delly's favorite dessert of cinnamon raisins cookies, but she shut up when I opened the oven and she saw the cheese bread baking.

When she went upstairs to change I smiled in victory.

Towards the end of dinner Delly turned to Katniss. "How's your mom?" I'd forgotten that Mrs. Everdeen had gotten close to everybody while I'd been in the Capitol.

"She's fine. She lives in 4 now, but we talk about once a week. We're probably closer than we've been since my dad died."

"Why'd she move to 4?"

Katniss didn't immediately answer, and she glanced at me briefly, her eyes clearly reading 'Help!' Somehow saying, "Because she couldn't face Prim's death anymore than I could" seemed like a buzz kill.

"Mrs. Everdeen was just better suited for 4," I told Delly. "They have a brand new hospital she's working in. She's head nurse. She serves a better purpose there than here."

"Well when you talk to her, send her my love," said Delly. Katniss nodded. "So how's 12 been? The town looks so different."

"It's great," I responded.

"The bakery looks amazing. You still hunt Katniss?"

"You're eating game now," said Katniss.

"You still put it right through the eye?"

"Every time," I told Delly, and Katniss blushed. I wondered if she'd ever be able to take a compliment from me.

"Do you still trade?"

Katniss nodded. "I sell it for way less than it's worth, like Peeta does his bread, but we don't need the money."

"What else do you do?"

"I teach a survivor's class, teaching kids how to hunt. It's only been a few weeks, but it keeps my mind preoccupied. I couldn't believe how many people showed up."

"You're always so modest," laughed Delly. "You're the Mockingjay, Katniss. I'm surprised adults didn't show up."

"They did, but I made them leave."

Delly laughed again. "I'd take your class in a second."

"I can't risk the competition," joked Katniss. "If I taught adults how to hunt game, I'd lose my ability to trade."

Delly left a little while later, and when she was gone I wrapped my arms around Katniss from behind, burying my face in her hair. She relaxed against me.

"That was fun," she told me. "I needed that. I didn't even know I needed that."

"We have kind of shut ourselves away, haven't we?" She turned to face me and kissed me, and I felt that hunger stir. I had to pull away, because one day I'm afraid I'm gonna push her too far.

"Let's not do the book tonight," said Katniss. "Let's take a break, just for the hell of it. We shouldn't have to stop only because you have a flashback, or because I'm having nightmares."

"Okay," I agreed. "Wanna come to my place? There's something I want to show you."

**FYI, that chapter you've all been waiting for, (the reason this story is rated M) will be posted next! Tell me how much you love it! ONCE AGAIN, THIS STORY IS RATED M FOR A REASON! This is your final warning! I can't wait to hear your reactions to this chapter, and the next. PROMISE me you'll Review!**

**XOXOX**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


	11. Chapter 11

**FYI, this chapter does include a few lines that I've used in one of my previous works. If you read it, it will seem familiar. If you haven't read it, carry on. It also contains a few direct quotes from Mockingday, which we know belongs to Suzanne Collins. :)**

Katniss went upstairs to shower, saying she'd meet me at my place in a little while. As I headed to my house I realized the night was a little chilly. It was nearly September, and the coolness in the air let me know it was going to be a harsh winter.

I quickly checked in on Haymitch. He was asleep, with the TV blaring, a bottle next to him. I covered him up and glanced around, noting that the house was in decent shape.

When I got home I took a quick shower and changed out of my jeans and into a pair of sweats and a white crewneck. I made my way downstairs and started a fire, knowing it'd warm Katniss up.

She was always so cold.

It took her about an hour, and I swallowed my worry as soon as she came into my sight. When she opened the door she called out my name, like we had talked about, and I met her in the hallway, wiping my hands on a rag as I had decided to bake cookies while waiting for her.

She was wearing a long coat when she came in, and I'd thought nothing of it.

Proves how stupid I was.

"Smells good," she said.

"Thanks. They're still warm. Why don't you grab some while I take your coat?"

She shook her head and pulled her coat tighter around her, as if saying she was cold.

Again, it should have been a red flag.

We walked into the kitchen and ate a few cinnamon sugar cookies in a comfortable silence. When we had our fill I motioned for Katniss to follow me.

She grabbed my hand as I lead her to the basement, and I have to tell my heart to return to its normal pace. We've held hands before. Why was my heart going crazy?

I led her downstairs to show her a painting I've been working on.

I turned on the light and she was greeted with a large canvas. On the canvas was a painted picture of us on top of the Training Center, at sunset. I was playing in Katniss' hair, and she was picking flowers.

"You remember this?" I asked her quietly, as she just stood there, gaping.

"Of course. You were playing with my hair under the false pretenses that you were practicing tying knots."

"False pretenses," I snorted with a laugh. She didn't respond. Instead she kept looking around. She'd never been in my studio before—not that this was my studio. I just stored the finished paintings here.

"You should display these," she murmured.

"Most of these are private. Intimate."

She glanced up at me. "But you're showing me?"

"You're the only one I'd show."

"Peeta." Her eyes welled with tears, and I wonder if I've said something wrong. Before I can say anything though, another painting catches her eye. She moved towards it and stood in front of it.

It was a picture I drew, a few months ago, after Effie arrived in the hovercraft and pretty much gave me a heart attack.

Katniss touched the painting I had drawn of us in the cave, in the sleeping bag, kissing.

"Why'd you paint this?" Katniss asked.

I hesitated for a moment, because sometimes it was still hard for me to be vulnerable with her, even though I knew I loved her, even though I knew I wanted to spend every day of the rest of my life with her. What can I say? The Capitol had done its job.

"It's the moment I fell in love with you," I finally told her. She looked at me, her eyes wide. "I've always loved you. You know that. But before that moment, it was just a crush. It wasn't until the cave I really fell in love with you. After that kiss, I was a goner."

She didn't say a word. She just walked to me, slowly, and then faster, until she was in my arms, kissing me like she never had before, kissing me better than she had in the cave, better than she had on the beach, and even better than that morning, on her couch.

It wasn't until her knees buckled as we lost oxygen to our brain that she finally let me go. We were breathing hard, our faces flushed, our lips swollen.

"Let's go upstairs," she whispered, and I stared at her, really stared at her, and saw the desire in her eyes.

"A-Are you sure?" She nodded. "Katniss, if we go upstairs… there's only one thing that can happen."

"I know," she said simply, and then grabbed my hand. We made our way from the basement and then up to my room, my heart hammering the whole way. When we reached my room Katniss led me inside and I closed the door behind me, turning around to actually face the door.

I leaned against it, briefly, to calm my shaken nerves, but it was in vain, because when I turned around, my jaw hit the floor.

Suddenly the reason for the coat became clear as I saw it on the ground. She'd been hiding what was underneath the coat: a short, black, silky skimpy little thing that did nothing, _nothing_ to hide the woman underneath.

"Katniss," was the only word I knew how to say, the only word I could think of, the only word that existed.

"I'm ready, Peeta," she told me. "I've _been_ ready, I just wasn't sure if you were, and I didn't want to rush you, but I need you. And I don't want our first time to be because we were comforting each other after a nightmare, and we both know you'll never touch me after a flashback. I just wanted to do it on our own terms."

"Katniss," I repeated as I walked up to her, and planted my lips on hers.

It wasn't like that night on the couch. No, it was slower, so much slower, and we explored every nook and cranny of each other's body. I started, because she had already seen some of me. Not the time she bathed me, but that morning in her living room.

My hands were shaking as I slipped the dress of her body. She didn't seem to mind. Nor did she seem shy at all. It seemed as if she had come to peace with this decision, as if she had always known that this would happen, that it'd come to this. Me? I wouldn't believe it until I was inside of her.

When the dress slipped to the floor I was speechless as I realized she was naked underneath. I placed her on top of my bed and looked at her. The Capitol had covered up most of her scars and burns, but she still had quite a few, particularly on her right side, near her breast and ribcage.

I kissed every single scar, because I knew what it had cost her.

I paid attention to ever inch of her body, starting with her hair. I undid her braid so that her now even hair could fall around her body.

"Why do you always let my hair down?" asked Katniss, staring at me.

"Because I like you with it down."

"You don't like it braided?"

"I love you regardless," I told her. "I just like you with it down."

She reached up and captured me in a kiss, but I broke away. I was hard, so, so hard, and if I didn't do this for her first, she wouldn't get any pleasure out of tonight.

As nightfall crept in I lost light, but I still planted kisses along her body. When I noticed the scar on her arm where Johanna had cut out her tracker, I kissed her there, too.

"You're so beautiful," I told her, and yah, I know, it's cliché, but it was so incredibly true I couldn't say anything else.

She blushed at the compliment, and I kissed her. It was like that's what she'd been waiting on, because her lips were parted for me. I slid my hands down her body, kneading her breasts. When she moaned I had to stop myself from grinning. I played with her breasts for a few moments, until she pushed me away.

"Stop teasing me," she whined.

I just grinned.

I kissed her again and let my hands travel down to her most sacred place. I felt her tense and broke away to look at her.

"Do you want me to stop?" I asked her.

"I don't want it to be your fingers," responded Katniss.

"You'll just have to deal with it then," I said with a smirk, and then slid a finger into her.

I had no idea what the hell I was doing, but it had to be something right, because her body bucked.

She was wet, and tight, and I actually moaned.

I kissed her as her cries got louder, because if I didn't, if she kept moaning and groaning like that, I'd probably explode and die.

I didn't know she'd cum, and was thrilled, more thrilled than I'd ever been, when she did. Her breathing was shallow, and when she whispered my name, I'd have given everything but her life and my soul to have her call my name like that again.

I shuddered as I brought my face to the place my hand had just left.

"Oh my God," she groaned, and she lifted her hips as my tongue flicked inside of her. I pinned her down, and her hands found my hair. I feasted for a few moments, unsure, but comforted at her whimpers. "Peeta," she said softly. "I think—oh—yes—I'm about—God." I ignored her warning, and her continued cries. I could hear the underlying embarrassment in her voice, but she shut up when she realized I wasn't going to stop. She pulled my hair and clenched her legs together when the orgasm hit her.

I didn't stop until I felt her legs relax.

I looked up at her, saw her eyes were black with lust, pleasure, and heat.

"Sorry," she whispered, but I silenced her with a kiss, one hand on her hip, the other in her hair, her long, glorious hair. She pushed me away after several moments. "My turn," and her voice was so husky I felt myself jump and strain against my pants.

It didn't take her long to remind me why they called her the Girl on Fire. Her fire didn't burn me. It lit me up, making me rise, like a Phoenix being reborn from the ashes. That's what she was doing: recreating me. Making me. Molding me.

Saving me.

Because how far gone was I by the time I had gotten here? I had tried to push her away, convince myself that she was better off without me, casting myself into my own personal Hell, but she was saving me, right here, right now.

I was too close to losing her, but none of that mattered now.

She was here, and she was kissing me, and it made me feel things I had no idea were even possible. Her hands cupped my face, and those hands; so gentle, so soft, so loving, brushed my cheek. She ran her fingers through my hair, tangling it in her hands, her lips never leaving mine.

Breathing hard she finally pushed me away. I stared at her, noted the blazing look in her eyes, which had to match my own. After a few deep gulps I pulled her to me and started kissing her again. Suddenly my hands were on her again, as if I couldn't get enough, as if she were a void that couldn't be filled.

When her mouth planted kisses along my body, trailing farther and farther down, I assumed I had died and gone to heaven. When her lips wrapped around me, I clenched the sheets, biting my lips to stop myself from screaming out.

"Katniss," I groaned, and I was trying to tell her that I wasn't going to last that much longer if she kept this up, but the words never formed. I forgot how to form sentences. She must have understood, though, because she stopped and stared at me, her eyes as black as night.

"Make me feel whole," she whispered.

"I will. For the rest of my life I will." Before I entered her, I looked down at Katniss. She was so many things to so many people: daughter, sister, friend, the Girl on Fire, and the Mockingjay. But to me? To me, she was just Katniss, the girl who'd stolen my heart since I was five years old.

I'd never loved her more than I had in this moment. "Are you sure?" I asked her again, even though her legs were already parted, for me, and she was waiting for me to enter her.

"Yes. Please, Peeta."

"It's gonna hurt you know," I warned her.

"You've never intentionally hurt me a day in our life."

"Yah, but this is inevitable."

In response she lifted her hips to mine. "Make love to me, Peeta," was all she had to say.

I obeyed, because I _always_ obeyed, and my very last coherent thought was here I was, Peeta Mellark, the boy with the bread, and I was making the Girl on Fire melt.

I felt like I was being tortured, the way I was entering in and out of her at an abnormally slow pace. I took my time, because I wanted to make sure she was comfortable before I really started to move. When every place I touched made her sigh, or every time I kissed her made her moan, I finally sped up.

The way she thrust back into me made me forget everything except her name.

It was my first time, and I had no idea what to do, but I let my body take over. What I did know was that I wasn't going to last long, and I hoped, hoped, hoped that I would be able to make her cum before I did.

I shouldn't have been worried.

I heard her gasp out my name and clutch my back, her nails digging into my flesh. The pleasure almost took over then, because nobody had ever made my name sound so beautiful. I heard her whimper and then let loose, her back arching even more as she did.

When I whispered out 'Katniss,' just 'Katniss,' I felt her arch her back again. Then she tightened her legs around my waist, and clenched around me, whispering 'Real,' over and over again.

I was undone after that.

I moaned, hoping, praying she'd gotten enough, because I wasn't going to last too much longer. As if she knew this she drew me in for a breathtaking kiss.

"Cum with me," she whispered in my ear, and that's all it took.

I came inside of her as she clung to me one final time, her hips pumping ferociously into mine. Were those her moans or mine? I could hear my name being called, but I could also hear hers. Murmurs of 'yes' were echoing all around us.

Afterwards, when she was lying on my chest, and that hunger that we had both felt in that cave so long ago, and on that beach in the Quarter Quell was finally satisfied, I asked her the one question I swore I never would.

I shouldn't have had to ask her, because she's proven it, in the way she's accepted me, accepted all my flaws, and scars, and flashbacks.

Still, the words left my lips.

"You love me, real or not real?"

She didn't hesitate. She didn't scoff, or scowl, or blush. She just said, simply, 'Real,' with confidence, and assurance.

It hit me then, that it shouldn't matter that I'm going to struggle with flashbacks for the rest of my life. All that mattered were these moments, and all those old, confusing, shiny memories were going to be replaced with memories that would never be confused, because the Capitol could never take them away from me.

So my last waking thought before I went to sleep, Katniss in my arms, in a night that would not, for once, be plagued with nightmares, was real.

This was real.


	12. Chapter 12

**Posting this in honor of the release of Mockingjay today, which I will be seeing in about an hour.**

**Let me know what you all think of the movie in a Review!**

**Til next time,**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

The next morning when I woke up, the sun was high in the sky. I had no idea how long we slept, but I felt an immense amount of relief that Katniss was still lying next to me, curled into my side, still naked. That meant she didn't regret last night.

At least not yet.

I couldn't bare the thought of last night having been a mistake. It had been too perfect, too wonderful, too _real_. She had said she had wanted it to happen on our terms. No nightmares, no flashbacks, no book. It had been _right_, dammit, and I had no idea, no clue what I'd do if she woke up sorry that it happened.

"Hi," I heard her murmur, and how lost in my thoughts was I to not have noticed that her breathing had became uneven?

"Hello yourself," I said, shyly.

"No bakery today?"

"No. I talked to the owner. He let me off." She laughed softly at that.

"Good. There's somewhere I wanna take you. Can you be ready in an hour?"

I'd have been ready in ten minutes if she had said that's how long I had.

"Of course."

"Okay. Don't eat."

I showered and got dressed and then made my way over to Katniss'. She was waiting for me with a basket in her hand, dressed in black boots, green pants, and her father's hunting jacket.

"Are you taking me hunting?" I asked her.

She snorted. "I would never take you hunting. You'd scare away all the animals."

"You try being quiet with this leg," I argued.

She spared me a glance. "You were loud before the leg."

I grinned. "You made us lunch?"

"Nothing fancy. Just some fruit and cheese and crackers."

She could have bought raisins and it'd have been enough for me.

We walked for what felt like ages, and I was just thinking that it was a good thing that I'm in shape when we finally arrived at a meadow, with a lake, and eventually a cabin. I was confused.

"Where are we?" I asked her.

"My father's cabin," responded Katniss softly. I looked at her, even more confused. "No one knew it was here, except my dad and I."

No one?

Maybe sleeping together made her more in tune to me, because she stared at me, full in my eye, when she said,

"No, not even my family. And no, not even Gale. He knew about the lake. But I never bought him to the cabin."

I was shocked into silence until I asked, "But you bought me here?" She nodded. "Why?"

"Because I wanted to share this with you." She grabbed my hand then, and it was that moment that I realized she was telling me that she didn't regret last night, that she was okay with it, with us.

I kissed her, but not like last night. It was more sizzle and spark, and uncontrolled _need_, and I wondered if now that we'd crossed this bridge, I'd ever be able to go back to just holding her, or kissing her, or if I'd have to have her, take her, every time she was in my presence.

If anybody had told me a year ago, hell, six months ago, that I'd make love to Katniss Everdeen in the middle of a meadow, I'd have figured they'd been hijacked.

It was nothing like last night. Last night we'd taken our time, exploring each other, taking the other in. This time her jeans weren't even all the way off; she had one shoe on, one shoe off, one pants leg off, wrapped around my waist, while her shirt wasn't off, but lowered, exposing her breasts, which I was sucking on.

Me, on the other hand… I had my pants at my knees, my shirt off, and was trying to remember some other word other than Katniss.

God seemed to be the only other name I could come up with.

Katniss seemed just as frenzied as me, only she had no problem talking. Her cries of 'Yes' quickly turned into 'Right there,' or 'Faster."

I can't believe this is the woman I laughed at for being innocent.

I heard the same whimper from last night and then she blurted out, "Don't stop. Please don't stop." She dug her fingers into my flesh and I buried my face in her neck to keep myself from cumming. When she arched her back and clenched around me I bit her neck.

She shuddered under me, and I almost lost it then, but then she was gripping my hips tighter.

She pumped her hips into mine, choking back a sob, and I watched her, really watched her, as she came, bucking from the pleasure. Her eyes blazed black, even in the sunlight, darkening with pleasure, and she threw back her head, her hair cascading down her back, in tight curls as I had undone its braid. Her lips were parted, her flesh flushed, and she had never been more beautiful in that moment, cumming for and from me.

It was in that moment that I realized she was a painting, a piece of art, a masterpiece.

And me? I was just the piece she was working on.

"I love you, Peeta," she groaned into my ear, and I'd nearly stopped pumping, because she'd never said it, at least not said and meant it.

I couldn't even respond, but I don't think she needed me to, because she pulled my face down to kiss her.

When I came, a few moments later, she followed.

Panting, we fell where we were, not a care in the world.

When I could speak again, I turned to her. "I love you too, Katniss."

She reached out and touched my face. "Real."

I don't know how long we stayed there, in content silence, but when she broke it, I hadn't expected her to say what she did.

"So whose place are we staying at?"

"What?" I asked, turning to her again.

"It doesn't really make sense for both of us to live in separate houses." She was looking at me so intently I had to gaze away.

I hesitated, but not because I didn't want to live with Katniss. I was just thinking about the flashbacks, and where I would go if we lived together.

Again, she seemed to know what I was thinking. "You're no danger to me, Peeta."

"I can be."

"So you'll tie yourself up to a chair for a little while."

"Can I talk to Dr. Aurelius first?"

"Yah, and while you're at it, tell him we're sleeping together. I'm sure the good Doctor will have something to say about that," she told me sarcastically. "You think too much."

"My brain is telling me this is a bad idea. Maybe it's too much, too soon."

"What does your heart say?"

Shit.

And they said Katniss didn't know how to get through to people with her words.

"I'm not going anywhere, Peeta. And neither are your flashbacks. So if we have to live with them for the rest of your life, then we might as well do it together."

I brushed her hair out of her face, tucking a strand behind her ear, remembering what Haymitch had told me last year, during a session: "_You'll fall for her again. You won't even mean to. One day you'll look at her, you'll see her, and you'll fall again."_

"You have to give me my space if I ask for it," I finally told her. "You know how I can get. If I say something, or do something…." I shook my head. "If we do this, I'm gonna need my space sometimes."

"Okay," she agreed. "Can I move in with you?" Her voice cracked at the end, and then the tears came, and at first I was confused, until she sobbed out that she hated living in her house because it reminded her so much of Prim. I held her, calmed her down, assuring her that she could move in tonight if she wanted.

We stayed in the meadow for a few more hours after she calmed down, and when I slipped inside of her again she was ready, so ready, quivering with anticipation.

My last thought before succumbing to pleasure was that I could do this for the rest of my life.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We were walking back to my place, holding hands, when we saw Haymitch on his front porch, a cup of what had to be liquor in his hand. He caught my eye and I could feel my face heating up. I wondered if he suspected anything.

When he smirked, I knew he did.

"You could do way worse, sweetheart," he called to Katniss, and barked out a laugh when she buried her face in my arm, embarrassed. She didn't look up again until we were inside my house.

By then I had hidden my own grin.

We started packing that night and she was all moved in by the weekend.

Buttercup adapted pretty quickly, and I felt like if he could like it, Katniss would like it too.

The hardest part was cleaning out Prim's room. At first Katniss had refused, but I told her a lot of Districts needed donations. It took her a day but she finally agreed. We had talked to Dr. Aurelius first, and she had talked to her mom. Both thought it was time, and could be therapeutic.

She cried a lot at first, but we got through it, together. When everything was packed into boxes, she asked for a few minutes alone. I hesitated at first, but she assured me she'd be home shortly.

True to her word, about half an hour later, she was home. She was quiet, though, subdued, and went upstairs to take a shower. When I went upstairs to check on her I heard on the phone, crying with her mother.

About an hour later she came downstairs to the living room, her eyes red. "Mom says hello," she told me. She came up to me and wrapped her arms around me. I didn't know who this Katniss was. Katniss was hardly ever vulnerable, but I held on to her. She didn't cry, though. "I think she's still wondering how you went from trying to kill me to us moving in together."

I felt my body tense and pushed her away.

"Peeta?"

No. Not now. Not when she needed me.

I do not want to kill her. I don't. Not real. Not real.

I knew she wouldn't leave unless I told her to go. She was just stubborn like that. But after a few moments I felt it pass. I took a shaky breath, trying to keep my calm.

"I'm going to take a shower," I told her, and left her without as much as a backwards glance.


	13. Chapter 13

**SAW MOCKINGJAY OMY HGJEKFHIOENFNIEN IT WAS AMAZING! I'll probably see it again tomorrow.**

**Let me know what you guys thought of it, and this!**

**Still thankful for the Reviews**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

Over the years Katniss and I got into a routine. We started doing things like celebrating Christmas and New Years, along with the rest of the Districts. It was fun, bringing back such holidays, especially because it was proof that the Districts weren't as poor as before.

Panem had a new flag, its color gold, with a black mockingjay encircled by red flames. There were rumors that they wanted to change the name of the Districts, but that would take a while. For now we were still District 12.

Buttercup passed on. Katniss took it hard, like she did all death, and I knew she was so hurt because it was her one last link to Prim.

"I hated that stupid cat," she had muttered, tears streaming down her face, "but he loved Prim. He helped me heal when you weren't here. He came all the way back from 13 to find her, and he could have left when he figured out she wasn't here. I wanted him to. But he stayed. He stayed for me." I had comforted her, and eventually she let him go.

People had arrived back in 12 now. There have been people living here for about three years, though Victor's Village still only consisted of Haymitch, Katniss, and I.

We had finally finished the book about a year ago. Annie had sent us a picture of Little Finn, after we had written to her and told her what we were doing, and it was the last piece of the puzzle.

At least in regards to the book.

For me it opened up a whole new wound.

I knew Katniss didn't want children. Never mind the fact that she was good with them. Her hunting class was one of the most popular classes at school. We had both gone back to school a couple of years ago, and after that Katniss had been hired as an instructor. She taught kids ten and up, and there were several days after she had first started that I'd come and watch, because I was just so damn excited for her.

When we had sex in the school bathroom, though, one day after her class at ended, we thought it'd be best for me to stay away.

"Is this how you feel when I'm at the bakery?" she had asked afterwards, attempting to straighten her hair so that she'd look decent as we walked down the hallway.

"All the time," I had replied.

I never got the picture out of my head of her, though, working with those younger students. I'd asked her a couple of times over the past few years, about having children, but she always declined.

So I never let her see me pull out the picture of Little Finn, staring at it. I knew she'd start to feel guilty, and she shouldn't feel guilty, because I'd fallen in love with her when I knew good and well she didn't want children.

I was happy with my life. I had her, I finally had Katniss Everdeen, and sure, she still suffered from nightmares, and I still suffered from flashbacks, but I was happy.

If I could be happier with children, well, I knew what I had signed up for, and I had no business trying to figure it out.

And on days when I didn't always believe that, I'd convince myself it was true.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

It was on Katniss' twenty-second birthday when we got the call.

I answered the phone, and thank God I had, because Katniss would probably have hung up.

It's not like she disliked President Paylor. It's just Katniss was stubborn, and in her mind, though Paylor was Coin's successor, Paylor was still in the Capitol, and therefore, still had an agenda.

President Paylor called at least once a year to ask us to speak on the anniversary. I honestly think Katniss would be a lot more open minded if I hadn't been hijacked and Prim hadn't died.

She didn't want to go back.

Me? I knew what'd happen if I went back: I'd have probably one really bad flashback, and then I'd be okay. I honestly wouldn't mind going back during the anniversary.

"Hello, Peeta," President Paylor said.

"Madam President," I responded, and even though we'd spoken at least once a year for the past four years, my heart still hammered inside my chest.

"I'm glad you answered. It's you I need to talk to."

"Because I'm the only one who can convince Katniss?"

"Exactly." I could hear the warmth and the smile in her voice.

"You know how she feels," I started.

"The memorial is finally finished, Peeta," interrupted Paylor. I paused, and so did she. "She needs to be here. I think it'll help her heal."

I gulped. They had talked about the memorial for the past several years.

"It's been five years, Peeta. Five years, and all those we lost can finally be honored. Prim's statue will stand tall, above all others."

Another pause. "I'll see what I can do."

"Good. Then I'll see you all in December."

"I didn't say—"

Paylor's laugh cut me off. "Oh, Peeta. Katniss listens to you. She's stubborn with everybody else. But not you. You're the only one who gets her. There's nothing you can't convince her to do."

I scoffed when we hung up. Nothing, huh?

Then why is she not my wife and why am I not a father?

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"I will not be bought," hissed Katniss.

Haymitch groaned and hit his head on the kitchen table a few times.

I felt like doing the same.

"Nobody said you were for sale," I told Katniss calmly.

"How dare they? How _dare_ they have Prim as some manipulative way to get to me?"

"I don't think that was Paylor's intent," said Haymitch.

Katniss stopped pacing. "Why do you two this? Why do you two always team up against me? I know the only reason you're here, Haymitch, is because Peeta's convinced you. Why don't _you_ two go and leave me the hell alone?"

"Katniss," I warned, not exactly liking her tone.

"Don't 'Katniss' me," snapped out Katniss, folding her arms across her chest, her eyes blazing. "I can't believe you even want to go back, after everything they—"

"They who?" I argued. "President Paylor hasn't done anything to me. Neither have the people who run the Capitol now."

Katniss shook her head and looked away. "I'm not going."

"Your mother is," I told her.

She whipped her head to me. "You didn't."

"No, I didn't," I said, holding up my hands, because Katniss' eyes were shooting daggers at me. I don't understand how the same woman who melts when I'm inside of her can be so damn stubborn when I'm not. "President Paylor did."

Katniss stood there, stunned. "Excuse me?"

"President Paylor called your mom and told her she'd be a guest of honor at the memorial service."

"Why didn't she tell me? We just talked yesterday."

"She told me to convince you to come."

Now Katniss sat down.

"It's only May, Katniss. The memorial isn't until December. Just… think about it, okay?" Haymitch was the voice of reason.

She didn't respond. She just got back up, and left.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

As if fate—or the odds, whatever—were against me, I had a flashback that night.

A bad one.

A really, really bad one.

It'd never happened after we made love before. Those nights where I'd come home from Katniss', after working on the book, clutching my hair in the dark, were long gone. They still happened, of course, but never during an intimate moment like this.

I was floored.

Dumbfounded.

And angry.

We hadn't been done but five minutes. She'd just snuggled into me, and I knew we were about to drift off, because we _always_ drifted off afterwards, because it was just so damn exhausting, what we did. Then normally she'd wake up from a nightmare, I'd be there, and then she was on top of me, riding me like a woman possessed.

I don't know what those nightmares do to her, but she tells me they're worth it, if it meant getting to be on top of me.

I take away the pain, she said.

I'll never forget the first time it happened. She'd been dreaming of Rue, about a year after we'd started sleeping together. Dreams of Rue and Prim were always the worst. She'd been crying, and I did what I always do: hugged her and whispered sweet nothings that didn't mean shit, because in the end, Rue and Prim were still dead, and we still had a hard time with that.

Normally my words worked.

Not that night.

She'd attacked me, and if there was ever a time I should have had a flashback, it should have been that night, because I was caught off guard, and she had pinned me down on the bed, scratching at me, ripping the shirt off of my back that I didn't take off quickly enough before we'd gone to sleep to make love.

She had never initiated it before then, other than our very first time.

That night, though, she'd been broken, and apparently I was the only thing that could fix her.

It was always rough, brutal, hard sex after one of her nightmares.

I, on the other hand, was opposite. After a flashback I'd tend to shut her out. Not for long. Who could shut out the Girl on Fire for long? But afterwards, when I finally could touch her, normally a day or two after, I'd need tender, soft, sweet.

But after this one? Oh, I would be nowhere near Katniss, for a long time.

I still don't know how it happened. Sometimes I can pinpoint, in retrospect, why I had a flashback. Other times, like tonight, they just hit me, full in the gut.

I got up, quickly, shaking as I pulled on my pants and a shirt.

She knew me now, so she stayed still and quiet. When my breath started shortening I left the room and made my way downstairs, into the kitchen, and pulled out my chair. Scratches were starting to form on the back of it.

I never know how much time passes during a flashback. All I know is I must have been out of it for a while, because Katniss had fallen asleep and woken up to a nightmare.

We've never had a day where I was having a flashback, and she a nightmare.

The screams affected me like nothing else did.

I remembered shouting things, inhuman things, things I won't repeat, but were somewhere along the lines of her deserving the pain, and maybe she should have taken the nightlock.

When she came downstairs she looked lost again, more lost than I'd seen her in years, but I couldn't get back. Good Peeta was gone, and I shouted at her, and shouted at her, and she just stood there, completely numb, visibly paling at every word.

When Haymitch came in, he had a knife in his hand. He saw me tied up, though, and Katniss standing there, and looked utterly confused.

"I thought," he panted, "you two—" gasp—"were—" gasp—"killing each other."

"She _should_ die!" I yelled.

Haymitch turned his back on me. "Why were you screaming?"

"Nightmare," said Katniss softly. "It's affecting him, making it worse."

Something seemed to click in Haymitch's mind, and he started to pull her towards the door.

"I don't want to leave," she said.

"You don't need to stay here," was his response.

She fought him the whole way as he physically removed her.

"Mutt!" I yelled. "He saved your life," I called, not aware that I was currently strapped to a chair.

When she came back in, a few seconds later, she was crying. "Come _back_," she screamed at me, and in that moment, I did, briefly.

"Kill me," was my only response, because Good Peeta was terrified that Bad Peeta was going to win.

Katniss' knees gave out at my words, and a few minutes later Haymitch was back, his face angry, his nose bloody. He stuck something in her arm, picked her up as if she were light as a feather, and walked out.

The last thing I remembered thinking was I hope he had killed her.


	14. Chapter 14

Things were tense after that.

It wasn't her.

It was me.

But that's what made me so _mad_. I remembered the Katniss that hated me while I was getting treatment. The Katniss that didn't understand why I didn't remember her, remember _us_. Why couldn't she be like that again? I didn't deserve her understanding or her forgiveness.

When she walked into our house the next morning, timidly, afraid, I'd never hated myself more.

We fought.

My _God_ did we right.

I told her I thought she should leave, and she was furious. She told me I couldn't throw her out, she had nowhere else to go, and I told her she had a home three doors down.

"_This_ is my home, Peeta, being here with you."

We'd had our share of fights in the past, she and I. Katniss Everdeen may be a lot of things, but she was only two things, always, at the exact same time: stubborn, and good with a bow. We never really argued, though. We knew each other, understood each other, accepted each other, so we had discussions. Sometimes those discussions got a little heated, but by the end of the day, she was underneath me, I was inside of her, and the only harsh words we'd say were four letter words to express our complete pleasure.

This was _not_ a discussion.

She told me that she wasn't leaving, and when I said fine, okay, I'd leave, she told me I wasn't going anywhere either, and it was something about the way she said it that put the fear of God in me.

I'd walked out, then, walked out on her, walked out on us, for the first time in years, but I didn't go far, because if she thought I left I didn't know what she'd do.

Still, I was gone for hours, and when I finally came back, I panicked, because I couldn't find her, until I remembered a night just like this, several years ago.

I found her in the closet, the only place she could get comfort when she couldn't get comfort from me. I told her to get out of the closet, but she didn't listen. Unlike like last time, though, I didn't touch her. I didn't think I'd ever touch her again.

So I left her in there.

I hated myself.

Hated myself.

I called Dr. Aurelius. He fed me the same lines about not being able to hurt her, the same bullshit lines I'd been hearing for the past six years, and I snapped.

"If I hadn't had tied myself up in a chair, I'd have killed her. How does that make her safe?" I screamed at the phone.

"Peeta," responded Dr. Aurelius, calmly, and in control. "Did you have enough sense to tie yourself up?"

I scowled. "Yes."

"With my medication, you'll _always_ tie yourself up. Katniss will be fine."

I hung up on him then, because Katniss was _not_ fine. I _remember_ the look in her eyes at my words. I had told her she should have died, should have killed herself.

Thank God I hadn't mentioned Prim, otherwise I'd have offed myself with Haymitch's knife.

And I certainly wasn't fine, either.

I slept on the couch. I couldn't be in the same room with her, let alone lay next to her. When I heard her screams I covered my ears, for one, because I was afraid it'd trigger another flashback, and I never wanted to have one again. The second reason was to try and block out her screams so that I wouldn't want to comfort her.

I couldn't look at her, let alone touch her.

It was like I had just gotten back from the Capitol.

I shut her out, I shut Haymitch out. The only people who saw me happy were my customers.

Delly knew something was wrong, though. After a month she pulled me aside and asked me.

"Is everything okay?"

"Fine," I lied, because honestly it wasn't any of her business, and how the _fuck_ would she understand, anyway?

"I saw Katniss the other day," responded Delly. "She came into the shop to trade for some new hunting shoes. She looked horrible. Thin. Circles under her eyes like she hadn't been sleeping. Are you two okay?"

That was the first time I'd felt guilty, but I didn't change.

I _couldn't_. I needed _time_.

It wasn't until September, three months after the flashback, that I made my way up to our bedroom for the first time.

Ironically enough, it was a flashback that bought me back.

It was… normal. Well, as normal as a flashback could be. I felt it coming. I knew I didn't even need the chair. All I did was go into a corner, breathing deeply, pulled my hair a few times, and it passed.

Afterwards I went upstairs, close to midnight, where I found Katniss on my side of the bed, in one of my shirts, sobbing.

Shit.

"Katniss?" I said softly, and the sobs stopped. She sat up quickly, her eyes wide.

I still knew her, and I saw the way her body was ready to fly out the bed and into my arms, because she thought Good Peeta was back, but I was still scared that Bad Peeta was just asleep, so I held up my hand.

"Stop," I said, perhaps a little too coldly, because the devastation that I saw on her face nearly broke me.

Nearly.

I told her why I was there, that I'd like to come back into our bed, if she'd allow me to, but I didn't want her to touch me yet. I still needed time, and she had to let me come back to her.

She agreed, but started crying again when I wouldn't get under the sheet, only the comforter, to put some space between us.

I let her cry.

It was a nightmare that made me touch her again.

I realized three nights in that I couldn't be this close to her, hear her screams, and not do _something_.

Her pain brought me back.

So on that third night of being in our bed, when her screams woke me up, I hesitantly put my hand out and gripped her shoulder.

That seemed to be invitation enough for her because she rolled over and clung to me, her sobs wracking her body, so fast that I didn't have time to tell her no.

When I realized I wasn't about to have a flashback, though, I relaxed.

After that contact was minimal. We still didn't make love. I refused. I still had a hard time being around her. It was something about daylight, being able to see her clearly, that made me wallow in self-pity. Never mind the fact that the woman I loved was wasting away with worry and hurt. I was hurting, and I couldn't shake the selfishness, so no, we didn't make love.

I had no desire to.

By the time September was turning into October Katniss and I were talking again. Things were still tense, but at least now I knew the issue lied in me. I had increased my sessions with Dr. Aurelius, who had never mentioned me hanging up on him, and had graciously accepted my apology with a simple, 'Don't even mention it."

One night, after dinner, while I was doing the dishes, Katniss spoke.

"So tell me: after all this, with the way you're treating me, do you still want to go to the memorial in the Capitol?" Her voice was cold, calculating. That was fine. I deserved that.

I scowled and turned to her. "I'll ask Dr. Aurelius what he thinks tomorrow." I threw the towel down and walked out of the kitchen.

I didn't even know why we were fighting.

Yes I do. The other night she had kissed me for the first time, and I had told her if she did that again I'd go back to sleeping on the couch.

She hadn't liked that too much.

Maybe I should discuss that with Dr. Aurelius tomorrow too.

Somewhere my logic was telling me I was acting like a damn fool, close to losing the only woman I'd ever wanted. I'd waited seventeen years for her to love me, and I was about to blow it on a flashback that lasted a few hours.

But at night I just kept replaying the scene over and over again.

I'd never so vividly remembered a flashback before.

I wanted to go back to Good Peeta. He seemed to have disappeared, though.

After talking with Dr. Aurelius, the next night I told Katniss that he said going to the memorial would be a great idea to see how far I've come.

She hated that answer, and the scowl on her face was so genuine, so _Katniss _that I laughed for the first time in ages. Then I reached across the table and gently placed my lips on hers, because Dr. Aurelius had challenged me to do so, to prove I wouldn't have a flashback just from kissing her.

He'd been right, and I had been incredibly relieved.

When I saw the heat in her eyes after pulling away, I loathed myself.

"Not yet, Katniss," I had told her, and she had sighed and walked away.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Obviously with my lack of attention on Katniss, I spent the majority of my time at the bakery and painting. At first I had avoided painting, because I knew what it had done for me last time: given me false hope into believing everything would be great for Katniss and I.

I had tried to destroy the pictures I had painted of us but I never could. Instead I covered them up with blank paper.

As an alternative I started drawing darker images, much like the ones I'd shown Katniss on the Victory Tour all those years ago. I kept them hidden though, remembering how upset they had made Katniss when she saw them, and the fact that I cared enough to not get her upset did little to comfort me.

Some time at the end of September I had ran out of colored pencils. I placed an order to the Capitol, rush delivering it as I had waited until I was extremely low to call it in.

It was on one of the best decision I'd ever made, as its outcome would change everything.

One night at dinner Katniss spoke. We were doing that a lot more, though we were only being cordial, polite.

Somewhere down deep I started to realize that I had to fix this, us, soon.

We were eating soup when she said, "I got called Mrs. Mellark today in class."

I dropped my spoon in shock, and bent down to pick it up so I wouldn't have to meet her eye. I turned towards the sink to rinse it off.

"What'd you say in response to that?" I asked, holding my breath.

I turned around and caught her shrugging. "I told her to call me Katniss. That Katniss was my name."

I dried off my spoon, scowling.

I don't even know why that bothered me.

It did hit me, though, in that moment, that Good Peeta was sneaking forward. Maybe he'd be ready to attack Bad Peeta soon.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The odds do sometime prove that they are in my favor.

When I got home from the bakery one night at the beginning of October, only a few nights after Katniss had told me she'd been called Mrs. Mellark, I headed to the kitchen. Katniss wasn't in there, but there was a notebook on the table. I glanced at it and then picked it up, my heart beating a billion miles per minute.

Katniss had written, over a dozen times:

Mrs. Peeta Mellark

"Katniss?" I called.

"Yah?"

I didn't respond until I heard her come downstairs, her hair braided, a towel around her nude body.

"What is this?" I asked, trying not to be distracted by the sight before me.

The fact that I had to try meant Good Peeta was lurking.

She glanced at the notebook and blushed.

"Oh." She grabbed it and closed it. "The mailman came by today. He said he had a package—I put it in your studio— that needed to be signed for Peeta Mellark. I told him I was Mrs. Mellark and he said I had to sign for it." She was reddening as she was talking, but I was transfixed on her words. "I wrote Katniss but I realized I'd never signed my name with your last name before, so I decided to practice, in case it ever happened again."

I was stunned into silence. I was quiet for so long that Katniss finally decided to turn and head back upstairs.

"Do you want to?" I called out after her.

She stopped and turned around. "Do I want to what?"

"Be Mrs. Mellark?"

This time she paused, for a really long time, and I could feel myself and Good Peeta holding their breath.

"I _am_ Mrs. Mellark, Peeta. I don't need a ceremony or a toasting to tell me that." She walked up to me then and kissed me gently on the lips, and then ruffled my hair.

I stayed silent, even as my heart sank.

Still, that night, I slipped out of bed while Katniss slumbered and I went down to the basement. I uncovered the painting of Katniss and I, in the Quarter Quell, kissing on the beach, and stared at it for over an hour, just allowing myself to think.

When I left the basement, I had left that painting uncovered.


	15. Chapter 15

**FYI, contains a scene from one of my other works, Unwritten Moments 4.**

Another tradition the Districts found themselves celebrating, besides Christmas and New Years, was Halloween. We hadn't necessarily gone back to having kids dress up in costumes, but it was a general rule that it was a day kids got to eat a lot of junk food and candy.

I loved it, because it gave me an excuse to make sweets and hand them out for free.

And I could use a little sweet in my life.

Despite the fact that I could feel Good Peeta, he still wasn't fully ready to come out and play. Therefore, things were still mostly tense at home.

I got relief at the bakery, though.

That is, until Katniss showed up, unexpectedly, like she did right now.

She looked good, but then again, when didn't she look good, dressed in jeans, a white blouse, and a long coat.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey yourself." I walked over to her, wiping my hands on my jeans, and kissed her gently on the cheek. "What brings you here?"

At that moment a little girl ran up to Katniss. "You came, you came!" she giggled.

"I told you I would," responded Katniss with a smile. Katniss looked up at me. "Peeta, this is Ava. This is one of my students, and she's good. Really good. Today's her birthday and she asked me to come down and tell her which cookie was the best one." Ava beamed.

At that moment the bell rang, signifying another customer.

"Mommy, look, it's Mrs. Mellark!" Ava ran to the woman who'd just walked in.

I watched as Katniss stiffened. "Now, Ava, I told you to call me Katniss."

I hid my scowl.

"Mommy won't let me."

"That's right," said the woman, identical to Ava with the blonde hair, brown eyes, and brown freckles. "I don't think it's appropriate for a young child to call an adult by his or her first name."

"Oh," Katniss said. "Well. Then Mrs. Mellark it is." She paused for a moment, and I could see her looking at me out of the corner of my eye. "It's a great name to have."

I dropped the plate of cookies I was handing out.

I could feel the amusement coming from her as she bent down to help me pick them up.

She smiled at me, brilliantly, when I finally looked at her, but what might have happened, or been said in that moment, was ruined when Katniss turned her head and looked out the window.

The platter of cookies fell again as she screamed, running to the window.

"No," I said, already knowing, just from the look on her face.

"Prim! Prim!" Katniss screamed, banging on the window.

"It's not Prim, Katniss." I pulled her away from the window to look at me. "She's not Prim."

Her eyes were filled with tears and she turned away from me and ran to the front door. I followed her, my hand on her waist, where I watched her as she got a good look at the little girl who was now passing the bakery, walking hand in hand with her mother.

She _did_ look like Prim, with her blonde hair and blue eyes, but only on the surface. Upon closer inspection her eyes were closer together, her nose larger, her lips smaller.

The shop was dead quiet.

Katniss looked around at everybody. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. I tightened my hold around her, noting this was the longest we'd touched in months.

"I lost my first husband only a year after we'd been married. He was sick," Ava's mother said gently. "Even now, twenty years later, I'll be walking, and I _swear_ I can smell his scent. It's okay," she said, as she watched the tears fall down Katniss' face. "What you're going through is completely natural, and warranted." Katniss' lower lip trembled. Ava's mother turned to me. "Why don't you make her some warm tea and take her to the back?"

I steered Katniss to the back where she lost it.

I let her cry, holding her.

"You knew," she finally said, backing away from me.

"I did," I sighed. "She and her mother are from the Capitol. They're Captain Lao's family."

"Why didn't you _say_ something?" Her voice cracked.

"I thought about it, but what could I say? 'Hey, Katniss, there's a girl in town who looks exactly like Prim' somehow didn't seem right."

"At least I would have been prepared. I just made a complete fool of myself. Your customers probably think I'm crazy."

"They know who Prim was, Kantiss. Everybody loved her. Nobody thinks you're crazy. And I didn't say anything because they were only going to be in town a month. They leave tomorrow morning. If you had come to the bakery tomorrow you'd never have known."

She didn't say anything but, "I should go."

"I'll call Haymitch." I started to make my way to the phone.

"I'm perfectly fine enough to get home, Peeta," she snapped, which proved that no, she wasn't perfectly fine enough to get home. I stared at her, my arms folded.

"Either I call Haymitch, or I'll shut down the shop and walk you myself."

She scowled at me, which didn't make me budge at all.

"Call Haymitch."

She was doing it to hurt me, saying she'd rather walk with Haymitch than me, but it didn't faze me. It was nothing more than a defense mechanism, because she was hurting.

I explained what happened to Haymitch and he said he'd come, but that I owed him a bottle.

I didn't even dignify that with an answer.

When I got home later on that night, Haymitch met me at the door.

"How is she?" I asked.

"It's good to know you still care," was Haymitch's initial response. "I thought you'd gone off on the deep end for a minute." I didn't want to talk about that, so I repeated my question. "Not good. She got home, showered, changed into her typical dress of baggy sweatpants and oversized shirt, sat on the couch, and hasn't moved or said a word since."

I sighed.

"Thanks, Haymitch. I'll get that bottle to you."

"Don't worry about it," he told me. "Just… make up with her. You know how she gets without you."

He left after those words, and I made my way to the living room. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and lowered myself in front of her.

"Katniss," I said softly.

I saw her look at me for a few moments, and then her eyes cleared.

"Peeta." She looked around. "Where's Haymitch?"

"He left."

"Left?" She sounded broken again.

"He went home."

"Home?" Pause. "He left me."

"He just went home."

"Everybody leaves me." Now I'm breaking. "My dad left me. Then my mom. And Prim. Prim left me. Why did Prim leave me?"

Jesus Christ.

"I'm here," I told her, my own eyes filling with tears as I watched hers fall. I wiped them with my thumb.

"You haven't been here for months. You left me too. You're right here but you're not right here."

And now I'm broken.

She continued. "That hurts worse." She stood up then, and I thought she was about to leave, but she only starts to pace. "It hurts worse because I know I can't touch Prim. Prim's somewhere I'm not. But you? You lie next to me, in our bed, but you're not here. You're never here."

"I'm back," I told her, the guilt consuming me. "I'm right here, Katniss."

"Prove it," said Katniss, with doubt in her voice. "Prove you're back."

"How?"

She walked up to me and kissed me, and I knew what she was asking, knew what she needed before she even said anything. I had figured it'd come to this ever since she saw that little girl, because nothing healed us more than being connected, me inside her, her thrusting into me.

It was rough. The roughest it'd ever been. My lips crushed hers back in a surprise move even to myself. I might as well be back in the Capitol, confused.

_Real or not real_?

Real.

This was very much real. I could feel my blood pumping as she responded to me. Our tongues danced as our lips parted for each other. This… this was more than real. It was _right_.

She pulled away from me, her eyes dark with lust. We stood there, briefly, breathing heavily.

And then we attacked each other. It was the only word I could think of to describe what it is we were doing. There was biting, scratching, and hair pulling. We literally battled, trying to outdo the other. We fought for domination; one of us had to win. Katniss was quick, but I was strong.

I picked her up and at the same time she pulled herself up to me and wrapped her legs around my waist. Still kissing I walked over to the closest object I could find—a side table next to the couch, and swiped all the contents to the floor. It came crashing down, the glass from the lamp breaking, but I barely heard it. All I heard was the pounding of my blood in my ears as I sat Katniss atop the table, non-too gently.

Clothes were both torn and ripped, a tattered, messy pile accumulating beside us. I took off her shirt and stripped her until there was nothing but her black bra left. I gripped her breasts through her bra and she moaned. It was music to my ears. I tore the bra off, letting it fall to the floor.

We barely noticed.

I pulled her hair out of her ponytail holder so that her hair rained down her back. Then I pulled her hair so that her head jerked back and my lips crashed onto her newly exposed neck. She whimpered and arched her back. Her hands gripped my hair and then yanked my own head off of her so she could kiss my lips.

"More," she panted out. "I want more of you."

"Take it," I challenged. "Take it from me."

And take she did.

My jacket buttons flew all over the floor when she snaked her hands underneath my coat and forced it open from the inside. Her breath tickled my ear—the calm before the storm—before she bit down on my lobe. I cried out, the pain familiar, but so was the pleasure….

I shrugged out of my shirt—who needed things like shirts anyway? Then her lips covered mine again and my brain turned to mush. She slid her hands into my pants, forgetting about the zipper.

"Katniss," I hissed against her mouth, but before I could enjoy it she stopped and started planting kisses along my chest, then down to my stomach. I gripped the table, determined to remain upright.

I shuddered when she licked me from my navel back up to my chest, and yelped when her teeth came into contact with my nipple.

She looked at me, her eyes piercing my. "See what happens when you don't touch me for months?"

I didn't reply. Instead I pushed her down so that she was lying on top of the table, and I grabbed both her hands with one of mine and forced them above her head. I kissed her so passionately that my head started to swim. Any minute now I'd pass out from lack of oxygen.

At the last possible moment I removed my lips and started planting a trail of kisses down her body. I ravaged her breasts, hardening as she started to squirm and arch her back. She was wheezing as I was barely giving her time to catch her breath.

"Let me touch you," she whimpered out.

I ignored her.

"Dammit Peeta, let me touch you."

Her body flushed as the pleasure took over, but I barely noticed.

"Lift your hips," I demanded roughly. She obliged, so willingly. I pulled down her pants with my free hand. She panted as she struggled to take off her shoes with her feet. I heard the thud as her shoes hit the floor, then watched, fascinated, as she maneuvered around with one free hand so at least one leg was free from her pants. I continued ignoring her as she begged for release. I smiled at her reaction when I slid one finger of my free hand into her folds.

She cried out, her body literally lifting off the table as she arched her back.

She was soaking wet, and I couldn't hold in a groan. I called out her name when she started thrusting her hips.

"More. God, more."

I stuck another finger inside of her, my pace quick and deep, and watched her. I heard the familiar high-pitched whimper she made, the sound I'd been waiting for, but did not allow her to cum. Instead I pulled out my fingers.

She gasped out, her eyes blazing.

"Don't make me beg you," said Katniss. "I need you. Please."

"Please what?"

"Please fill me," she moaned out. "Or at least let me touch you."

I smirked and kissed her again, but did not let her hands go. She kissed me back with a fervor that I could not match. I sighed and relaxed, and the minute I did she wrestled out of my grip, her hands touching every part of me that she hadn't been able to touch for the past few moments; my hair, my back, my face, my hips.

She started for my pants. "Off. Why are we on? So many clothes."

She shoved them down, finally releasing the pressure that had built up from the strain in my jeans. I watched as her head lowered towards me, and before I knew what was happening Katniss' mouth was working miracles.

Transfixed I watched as her head bobbled up and down, her warm tongue circling my length. I gasped for air as best as I could, my hands finding Katniss' head as my own fell back. My eyes rolled back into my head as the pleasure took over.

Then, just as suddenly as it came, it was gone.

I snapped my head forward to look at her.

"Teach you to tease me," Katniss teased.

I grabbed her face, roughly, because a part of me was _still_ so angry—would always be angry—and mashed my mouth to hers. Then, before she could even respond, I bent down and put my head in between her legs. She struggled for breath as she tried to remember my name—hell, _her_ name, even. She was so close to the edge, but when she whimpered again, I removed myself.

She cursed, her breathing labored, her body blushing from pleasure.

I spread her legs and slammed into her, before she even knew what has happening.

It was rough.

Brutally rough. I had known it would be, with the transaction that we had just experienced for the past few months. I had angered her, and I was angry at the Capitol, so naturally, it was rough.

I banged into her, ruthlessly, deeper, deeper, deeper, her voice crying out in pleasure. She choked back a sob as the first orgasm hit her, mere seconds after I started thrusting. She hung on for dear life as I slid in and out, in and out, in and out, again and again and again and again.

"Say my name," I grunted out as I stared at her. "Say it."

"Peeta." She didn't hesitate.

"Again."

"Peeta."

"Again. Again. _Again_." Every time she obliged, I moaned, burying my face in her neck. I could feel the scratches in and on my back, feel the way our hips met with each frantic thrust. The sound of our flesh slapping nearly sent me over the edge.

The table wobbled underneath us but I didn't care. Let it break. I was trying to break her, wasn't I? With the way I was pounding in and out of her with a fever that couldn't be calmed.

Even when she came again, choking out my name, over and over again, I didn't—couldn't—relent. I had missed her, missed this.

But I couldn't control the anger, the frustration.

They say you hurt the ones that are closest to you the most.

And that was true, wasn't it? I'd tried to kill her.

And now? Now I was hurting her again, but it was a good kind of pain.

And she was enjoying it.

I called out her name when she bit my neck—literally bit my neck. When she started sucking on my neck I nearly lost control. Instead of making me cum, though, like she had intended, I just went deeper and harder inside of her.

I lost count of how many times she came.

We just rocked, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, hips meeting, flesh slapping, hands gripping, back arching,

When she broke the skin on my back with her nails, I yelled out, and finally, finally, _finally_ succumbed to the pleasure, the release, and came.

I was pleased, more pleased than I was ready to admit, that she came at the same time I did.

We slid down to the floor, breathing hard, heads spinning.


	16. Chapter 16

**Happy Thanksgiving Eve! LOL. Posting this because I will have a VERY busy weekend! I will still try to post tomorrow (Thursday).**

**Hope you all enjoy this chapter.**

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**Til next time,**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

I thought I was having another flashback until I realized I couldn't breathe because I was winded.

My heart took hours to return to its normal speed.

We slept there, on the floor, in the exact place we landed, completely unable to move.

When dawn came I woke up, grabbed Katniss, and put her in the bed.

She didn't even stir.

I showered and got dressed to head out to the bakery.

I had barely reached the door when she called my name.

I turned around. She walked towards me, her hands clenched. "I wanna show you something."

She grabbed my hand and placed a tiny, miniscule item in my palm.

The pearl.

The pearl I'd given her on the beach.

I'd forgotten about it until this very moment.

"You kept this?"

"Every day," she told me. "When you were first taken from me, I kept it on me at all times, in my pocket. At night I used to play with it until I fell asleep. It's the only thing I kept, along with Madge's mockingjay pin."

I didn't know what to say. All I know is that I was starting to see how much of a jackass I had been the past few months.

"I need you, Peeta," she told me, her voice husky. "I can't do it like you. My fingers don't touch me the way you do." Holy shit. "I wanna taste myself when you kiss me after you've made me cum from going down on me. I wanna call out your name, and hear you call out mine in return. When I'm pleasing myself you're never there to say my name. I wanna taste you, feel you, hold you. I need to feel you inside me, because only you can make me cum. I can't make myself cum."

I was speechless, stuck on stupid, stunned into silence.

I gulped, audibly, and wondered how I had gone the past five months without being inside of her.

"Don't you remember me?" Katniss asked as she took off my coat. "Do you even remember what I taste like?" I licked my lips, and though I'd just had her last night, I couldn't really remember. "Do you even remember what I look like?" She took off her shirt and threw it on the floor. "I don't care about the flashbacks, Peeta. They're apart of you, so that makes them apart of me. Let's go back to 'Real, not real' if we have to. Just stop shutting me out. Please. I need you. I need you."

Needless to say I didn't make it to work on time, but that's okay. My boss is pretty flexible.

After tucking Katniss back into bed and kissing her goodbye on the forehead, I made my way downstairs and into the basement. I uncovered every single painting of Kantiss and me and stared at them all with love.

He was back.

Good Peeta was back.

And I would not let him leave again.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Later on that night, much later, after we had sex pretty much all night to make up for lost time, Katniss turned to me in the dark.

"I wanna go and visit my mom and Annie."

I was shocked, but recovered quickly. In the five years that I'd been back we'd never once visited anybody, nor had they visited us. We corresponded with Annie, as we did with Effie, via letters at least once a week, where Annie said we'd always be welcome, but we'd never actually accepted the invitation. "Okay. When?"

"As soon as you can find someone to run the bakery," she responded.

"Why so soon? Why don't we go for the holidays? Around Christmas?"

"I…" Katniss paused and cleared her throat. "That girl, Peeta…. I just need to get out of 12 for a while."

Understanding, I pulled her close. "I think a vacation sounds wonderful."

"I'll call Annie and Mom tomorrow."

The next morning I mentioned Katniss wanting to leave to Haymitch as I brought him bread.

"Wait, what?" He shook his head, as if he was trying to shake himself sober.

"Katniss and I are going to go visit her mom and Annie."

"When?"

"Probably tomorrow. I'll ask Delly to run the bakery since her brother's back. He can run the shoe store by himself for a few days."

"Hold on," Haymitch said, trying to sit up. "You two can't just _leave_. Don't you remember who she is? She's Katniss Everdeen, Darling of the Capitol, the Girl on Fire, the Mockingjay, _and_ the face of the Rebellion. You guys can't just 'go to District 4.' You two need protection."

"_Protection_?"

"Peeta, the anniversary is less than two months away. Plutarch is probably up right now deciding when the best time will be to air your love story all over the television screen. You guys can't just up and leave. There are still people out there who don't like this new arrangement. And in case you've forgotten, part of Katniss' punishment for killing Coin was to stay in 12."

I gaped at Haymitch. "They'd never arrest Katniss! Besides, President Paylor wants her at the memorial. Doesn't that mean it's okay for her to travel?"

"Let me make some calls." Haymitch said. "Just give me a couple days."

"You know what happened yesterday, Haymitch. Katniss was a wreck. She needs a break from 12. We both do."

Haymitch stared at me. "Let me talk to some people, okay? I'll have news by tonight."

I smiled. "You're still the best damn mentor the Games have ever seen."

"Yah, yah, yah. Now get out and let me eat in peace."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We had Haymitch over for dinner that night, where he told us that we'd be allowed to go to 12.

"You're officially allowed to travel wherever you want," Haymitch said, "under the condition that you always let President Paylor know.

I closed my eyes as I felt Katniss' anger long before she spoke.

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's like I told Peeta earlier today. You're the Mockingjay, sweetheart. You need protection. At all times. I bet you don't even know now that there are people in 12, stationed to protect you two."

My eyes flew open at those words.

"_What_?"

"You two get numerous death threats via mail a day."

Katniss looked dumbfounded.

"You get a lot of fan mail too, if that helps."

"We do?" asked Katniss.

"Yes. Especially Peeta. The ladies love him." I blushed.

"How do you know this?" I asked, not looking at Katniss. "Why haven't we ever seen these letters?"

Now Haymitch hesitated. "I made the call. When Paylor first told me that you guys were receiving fan mail, I knew it was too soon after the Rebellion. You two would be mortified. Paylor asked what I thought and I told her to add an addition to the post office out here. It'd be a room for your fan mail. If, at any point, you decided you wanted to read it, you could. You two are high security. Your mail is sent to the Capitol and is always thoroughly inspected before it's sent to you. Even Effie, Annie and Mrs. Everdeen's letters are checked."

Once again I was rendered speechless.

"With all that said, because you're such high risk, you are required to alert President Paylor that you're leaving town so that proper measures can be taken. We can't just have you show up in 4. Can you imagine the frenzy? The reporters, the fans?"

"And enemies," I said, finally catching on.

"You always were quicker than her," said Haymitch with a smile.

"Who'd they get to babysit us," Katniss asked sourly.

"Since you're only going to 4, and it's such short notice, Paylor agreed to let Effie and I escort you."

"Thank God," muttered Katniss, and I myself felt relieved.

"I already contacted Effie. She can be in 4 tomorrow, which means we can leave tomorrow, too. The plan is to get you there as quietly as possible so there isn't a fuss. So, pack up kids, and don't stay up too late." He winked at us and stood up. He put his plate in the sink and walked out. "See you tomorrow, bright and early."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We took the train, because taking a hovercraft would cause too much attention.

Not that it mattered.

Somehow news had leaked that we were coming to 4, and boy were we greeted with fans, along with camera crews. They were barricaded and blocked behind guards.

"Your detail awaits, Sir, Madam, Gentleman." The speaker over the intercom was our driver.

I looked out the window, into the night, as it'd taken us a whole day to get to 4, to see a tent about thirty yards away, the sides completely cut off from the fans. There were three black cars, their windows dark, their model sleek. One man stood in front of each one, all with shades on, all dressed in dark suits.

"That doesn't look like Effie," I muttered. Katniss and Haymitch glanced out the window to see.

"Got damn it," said Haymitch. "I knew it. I _knew_ it. Paylor was too quick to allow Effie and I to come. I should have known she'd pull a stunt like this."

Katniss sighed and left the train. I followed behind her, carrying our luggage, Haymitch behind me, carrying his.

The cheers and applause were deafening.

When we get closer to the men in suits, Katniss stopped abruptly. I nearly bumped into her, and Haymitch does bump into me.

"What's wrong?" I asked, my eyes scanning the crowd.

She doesn't have to respond, because what she's looking at is walking towards her.

Well hell.

"Hello, Catnip." Gale looked… well, good. He had always looked like a man, but now he _was_ a man. His hair was shorter, his eyes shrewder, but war will do that to you. Even his posture was different. He was a soldier, and he looked crisp and clean.

"What are you doing here? You live in 2." I didn't recognize the icy tone coming from Katniss.

"I've been assigned as your security."

"We have Haymitch and Effie."

"Yah, well a Reaping's escort and a drunk mentor don't have a lot of experience with security."

"That drunk is a former Victor, which puts his instincts a lot higher than yours," Katniss said coldly.

"I'm here on direct orders of the President. The Mockingjay needs protection, and I'm the best man she's got."

"I'm just going to visit Annie and my mom, Gale," sighed Katniss.

"Have you even turned on the TV lately, or do you just live in the bubble of 12?"

"The bubble I live in tends to have me reliving my sister being blown up to ashes, so don't you _dare_," snapped out Katniss. For the first time Gale seemed speechless, and for the briefest moments pain flashed across his face.

"Katniss," I said softly, touching the small of her back. She took a deep, calming breath.

"All I was saying," said Gale, making an effort to keep calm, "is that there are still people who are resisting. You're in as much danger as President Paylor is now, and she wouldn't travel into other Districts without the highest security. Those of us who fought for this new world want you safe. We don't want your mother to have to bury another daughter."

"She shouldn't have had to bury any."

"Katniss," I warned again. She flashed her gray eyes at me and I saw the storm brewing. "He's just doing his job."

"The last time he did his _job_ my sister died," she said frostily, and turned back to Gale. "Forgive me if I don't exactly trust you, or President Paylor for thinking I wanted you of all people here."

With that she stalked away towards the gentleman who had the door of the slick government car open for us.

"You know how Katniss is," I whispered to Gale. "She hates feeling cornered. She doesn't really blame you. We've talked about it, a million times. I think seeing you thrust upon us without knowing… it just bought her back. You two will be back to laughing and joking by the end of the trip."

"It doesn't matter." Gale shook his head. "She's not the same Katniss, and I'm not the same Gale." He sighed. "Let's get you guys to Annie's."

"Why are there three separate cars?" asked Haymitch, speaking his first words. "Hi, I'm the drunk mentor. You might remember me from 13."

Gale spared him a glance. "One car is for Peeta and Katniss, the other for you, and the last one for Effie."

"Oh, the Reaping escort gets a car?"

"I didn't mean—"

"I bet you say that a lot, don't you? I bet there's a lot of things you didn't mean to say or do."

Gale scowled and turned his back on us.

"He is a strangely dislikable person," commented Haymitch.

"Must be a Seam thing," I tell him, and he snorts. "We're all dealing with our demons," I told him.

"I don't know how I feel about you defending your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend."

I shrugged, but Gale no longer felt like a threat. I always thought I'd lose Katniss to Gale, but she gave him away, freely.

She chose me, and that was one thing I no longer needed reminding.

At the end of the day, one fact remained: Gale had had an opportunity to kill Katniss after she'd shot Coin, but he hadn't.

Like me, he wanted her alive.

I had done my part by snatching away the nightlock. He had done his by not shooting her. I don't know his motives. Maybe because he couldn't bare to be the reason for two Everdeen deaths.

Whatever the reason for his decision, I'd be forever grateful for Gale Hawthorne.


	17. Chapter 17

**HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! As a special treat I'm posting TWO CHAPTERS back-to-back! But before I do, as it's Thanksgiving, I'd like to give a special s|o to a few people:**

**Kamjam: THANK YOU for being SUCH a consistent Reviewer! Your encouragement has really helped me keep believing this is a good story, and I appreciate it and I'm so thankful for you**

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**To the rest of you who are Reviewing, Following this story, or who have Favorited this story, or who are reading it without my knowledge, your support is overwhelming. **

**I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Take care, you all, and enjoy.**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

Needless to say the car ride was tense. Good thing it was a quick ride to Annie's. Katniss scowled the whole way and Gale bit his jaw the entire time.

Though someone had leaked we would in 4, apparently no on knew we were headed to Annie's. The crowd had cleared out a few miles away, and the silence that followed was intense.

"I can't believe how many people showed up," I said, more to myself than anybody.

Perhaps to break the tense silence, Gale responded. "I'm sure Haymitch does what he can to keep you two in your little bubble, but the lack of attention you two see in 12 is not a reflection of the rest of the Districts."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean people are getting impatient. They're not stupid. Some people are. Some people believe what they want to believe, or have been told. Those are the ones we have to watch out for. But most people don't believe Coin was shot on accident. They've seen Katniss shoot in the Games. They know she doesn't miss." He turned around and stared at Katniss. "You're their Mockingjay, and they believed in you then, and they believe in you still. They want to see you and Peeta. They _need_ to see you and Peeta. They want to see you at the events and ceremonies for the anniversary." He turned back around. "You should hear some of the excuses President Paylor comes up with to excuse you guy's absences. I bet you don't know the half of what President Paylor does on your behalf."

"How do you know?" asked Katniss.

"I told you: I'm the best man she's got." Katniss only scowled at that. As if he knew she did, he continued. "I'm in charge of Security for all the Districts."

"Funny. I thought it'd be Weaponry."

"I turned that offer down," Gale said coldly. "Beetee is in charge of Weaponry."

Katniss muttered something that sounded a lot like, 'Figures.'

"I live in 4, but I have to report to the Capitol twice a month and meet with Paylor. We discuss you and Peeta in depth."

"Discuss?" I asked.

"You two are more protected than you know. Cameras are not allowed in 12, unless instructed by President Paylor, otherwise you two would never be at peace. But that's not going to stick for too much longer. People are anxious to get to you, to see how you two are fairing. It's been five years. If I were you—"

"If," snapped out Katniss.

I heard Gale audibly take a breath. "If I were you two, I'd get with Plutarch and set up an Interview with Caesar and start spinning things in your light. Because if you don't, and if the no cameras policy is lifted, they're going to come for you two and stalk you. You will have no more privacy. That bubble will burst."

I glanced at Katniss, but she was still looking out the widow.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

When we arrived at Annies, the house was bright. She must have heard the cars approach because she was outside before we even opened our doors. She ran to us, beaming, warm hugs all around.

She seemed surprised to see Gale, but she had a warm hug for him too.

"Come on in, dinner's still warming," she said.

Katniss immediately followed but I turned to Gale after grabbing my suitcase out the trunk. "Thanks for getting us here safely," I said, holding out my hand.

He shook it, but briefly, and I wondered if the man resented me.

"You'll have a round the clock guard while you're here. They'll have a Mockigjay pin on their right breast. Anyone else should not be here." I nodded my understanding. "What time should I be here tomorrow to get your two to Mrs. Everdeen?"

"Is that really necessary?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Noon, then. Mrs. Everdeen gets off at eleven, so she told us to get there around noon."

After that I went inside. Effie was hugging Katniss and when she saw me she smiled, but I noticed it didn't quite meet her eyes. We embraced as I took in her appearance. She looked much like she did last time, only now she wore a navy blue suit and gold accessories. Though every time we wrote to her she assured us that she was doing okay, I suspected that maybe she wasn't doing as well as she claimed.

I immediately started looking for Little Finn, and was not disappointed as his mother quickly ushered him into the room.

"I allowed him to stay up late so that he could meet his father's friends," Annie said, smiling.

The room was silent as we all stared at Finn, an exact replica of his father.

"He'd be what, five now?" I asked of the little boy who was staring at all of us shyly. He was hiding behind his mother's leg.

"Yah. It's crazy how much time flies." She picked him up. "Follow me. I'll show you all to your rooms as I put him down." We followed Annie upstairs. "This is you guys' room." Annie pointed us to the room closest to the stairs. "Haymitch, you're next to them, and Effie, you're across from him. All your rooms have their own bathrooms. Finn's room is the last door on the right, and my room is straight ahead." She kept walking as she talked. "Why don't you all freshen up and I'll check up on dinner."

"Thank you for having us," I told her when we all sat down for dinner.

"No problem. I'm glad you came. I've been asking you two to come for years. I was thrilled when I got your call the other day. What took you two so long?"

Katniss didn't immediately answer, and she didn't exactly meet my eye, nor did I try to meet hers.

Perhaps sensing she had touched a nerve, Annie graciously said, "Well, you're here now, and that's all that matters."

After dinner Annie refused any of our help, claiming we were on vacation, and that she'd get the dishes in the morning.

Effie, who'd been quite subdued throughout dinner, quietly excused herself and headed off to bed. Haymitch's eyes followed her and he too excused himself.

"I wonder what's wrong with Effie," I said.

"Maybe it was too much," muttered Katniss. "Maybe being around all of us kind of brought everything back." I didn't know what to say to that. "She used to have nightmares. When she came back to 12 with me. Not like I had them. She only had them once or twice. But she was tortured, too, in the Capitol. It doesn't matter that it was five years ago. Sometimes the memories sneak up on you."

I don't know what word triggered it, if it was torture, or Capitol, or memories. All I know is my breath caught in my throat.

"I know the feeling," I panted, and Katniss turned to me. "I'm fine," I told her, closing my eyes. "I'm just going to go for a walk for a little while." I took a deep breath and headed towards the door.

"Is he gonna be okay?" I heard Annie ask.

"Yah. Eventually."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

When I got back it was late. The flashback didn't last too long, but I didn't immediately want to run back to Katniss, either. I knew the chances of her being asleep were slim to none, but I could hope.

When I stepped inside I made sure that I was quiet, not wanting to wake anybody.

I shouldn't have worried. I could hear voices as I quietly shut the door.

"So how are you two?" I heard Annie ask.

"He loves me, and I can't for the life of me figure out why," responded Katniss.

"Does he still worship the ground you walk on?"

"Every step," and I can hear a smile in Katniss' voice as she says it. Then she grows more serious. "I don't deserve him." I scowled. Haymitch planted that seed of doubt in her head, and I don't think it'll ever go away.

"You love him," Annie says, and I can hear the warmth in her voice. "You've always loved him. You were just afraid, because love meant marriage and kids one day. Peeta understands that." Katniss didn't respond, so Annie continued. "When's the wedding?"

"Peeta understands everything about me." I smile at the wonder in her voice. "I won't marry him, though." I felt the room spin at those words.

"Why not?"

"Because he wants kids. And more importantly, he deserves somebody that'll give him that. I won't. Peeta's changed me in so many ways. I never thought I'd be here, loving someone. I never thought I'd ever let anyone in. I didn't have a choice in the matter. But kids? That is different. I won't change my mind about kids. I don't wanna do that to Peeta. If he wants kids he should be with someone who will and can give that to him. One day he'll wake up and resent me, and he'll leave. He'll find a good woman, a woman who'll give him everything he desires. He deserves that." Katniss sighs. "He deserves better than me."

I felt the betrayal at her words, even though I understood her thought process.

It's just… how could she not know me after all this time?

"It's late," I heard Katniss say. "Peeta should be back any minute. I think I'll wait upstairs."

I quickly hid behind a pillar and waited for both women to head upstairs. When I heard the bedroom door close I made my way upstairs, slowly.

"Hey," she said, when I came in. "You okay?"

"Sure." I undressed and redressed and then slid into bed.

She immediately moved over to me, covering my mouth with hers.

"Are you sure we should do this, here?" I asked her, as she started to slip off the shirt I'd just put on.

"I'll be quiet," she said, her breath tickling my ears. I was mad at her, but damn she knew how to make me forget everything.

"You couldn't be quiet if your life depended on it," I said with a smile. "You sound like me when I'm in the woods."

I paid for that when she went down on me, and I couldn't figure out whose moans were louder.

Later that night, after she and I make love, she turned to me.

"What's wrong?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

Katniss snorted. "I know you, Peeta. Something's off. It can't be the flashback. You wouldn't touch me otherwise."

I snickered. "You know me?" I mocked.

Katniss frowned. "I like to think I do."

"You can't possibly know me."

She sat up, not liking my tone. "Peeta? What's wrong?"

I sit up so I can look at her. "I heard you. I heard you earlier with Annie. If you think I'd honestly leave you because you don't want kids, you're crazy." Katniss stared at me, her mouth open. "I can't believe you're sitting here waiting for me to hate you one day. All my life, ever since I can remember, all I've wanted is to love you, and have you love me back. Us not having kids isn't gonna change that." With that I turned on my side, wrapping my arms around myself. A few seconds later I heard her slide next to me. Even in my anger I was disappointed she didn't wrap her arms around me. Then I felt her face buried in my back and smiled.

The next morning I was still upset. I slid out of bed and started to shower, trying to calm myself down. It wasn't like me to be so angry. It wasn't in my nature. I hadn't been like this since the… hijacking.

_Not real, no real, not real_.

I was taking deep breaths when the curtain opened. I turned and saw Katniss, and felt my knees give out.

She stepped into the shower, naked, and grabbed my face.

"Not real," she said, grabbing my cheeks, and then she kissed me. I felt my body go rigid, but she didn't stop kissing me immediately. "Not real," mumbled Katniss against my mouth, and then her lips were on mine again. It took a few more seconds for me to remember her, remember us, and then my anger was gone and forgotten, and she was kissing me, and I was kissing her back.

When I picked her up and slid inside of her she wrapped her legs around me, arching her back. "Yes," she groaned. "Real. This is real."

Afterwards, Katniss braiding her hair, me buttoning my shirt, she turned to me.

"You still mad at me?"

I gave her a half smile. "Have I ever been able to stay mad at you?"

"I'm sorry, Peeta," said Katniss softly, genuinely.

"Just… don't doubt me again." I kissed her nose and we made our way downstairs.


	18. Chapter 18

"It's nearly noon," Gale said. "Where are they?"

"Relax. They had a long night," smirked Annie.

Haymitch snickered. "We all did."

"The shower's been running—"

"For the past hour," Haymith chimed in with a grin.

"So they should be down soon," continued Annie as if Haymitch had not interrupted.

"A crowd has built up outside. We need to hurry and head over to Mrs. Everdeen's," Gale told them, ignoring their snickers and banter. "I don't even know how they found out they were here."

At that moment the shower stopped. "See? They'll be down in a moment," Effie said.

Gale scowled but sat down.

About fifteen minutes later Peeta and Katniss came downstairs, holding hands.

"Morning everybody," I said.

"More life afternoon," responded Haymitch with a smirk.

"Sorry, we overslept," I told them.

"Don't we know it," grinned Annie, her eyes twinkling. I wasn't sure why, but I felt my face start to warm.

"What's that supposed mean?" Katniss asked. I looked at her, and it was her face that made Annie, Effie, and Haymitch start laughing. "What?"

"We all had long nights, thanks to you two," Effie giggled.

Katniss didn't turn red, but blanched considerably. "You heard us?"

"Well, you, more than anything." Haymitch looked like Christmas had come early, as Katniss stood there, horrified.

"That's supposed to be private." As if she wasn't helping, the three of them continued giggling. I was suddenly starting to be amused myself. "I mean it's not like it was my fault. I couldn't control myself."

That seemed to do it. All of us, with the exception of Katniss and Gale, laughed. When what she said sunk in her eyes widened in shock and she finally succumbed to red. She turned away from us and headed towards the window, scowling. That just made us all laugh even harder.

Suddenly she spun around, facing us. "If any of you tell my mother," she threatened.

"Tell her? I'm sure she already suspects. You two do live together, after all. And if she doesn't know, we still won't have to tell her. She's gonna see it for herself," said Haymitch, the sides of his mouth still twitching.

"What do you mean?"

"It means, Darling of the Capitol, that you have a beautiful sex glow."

Katniss stared, her mouth ajar in awe, mine mirroring hers.

"Johanna," Katniss said. Katniss took a tentative step forward and then ran towards her. The two women embraced. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard the crew was having a get together, so I thought I'd crash it." She looked pretty. I hadn't seen her in years. Her hair had grown back, obviously, and she wore it down, around her face, framing it out nicely, though it still stood up a little in the front. Her brown eyes were lively, too.

"When'd you get in?"

"Early—or late enough," she said slyly, "to still hear you two love birds."

Again, Katniss turned red.

"Oh, don't be such a prude. Hasn't lover boy fucked that out of you by now? It sure sounded like it." Before Katniss could do anything other than scowl, Johanna grabbed Katniss' shoulder. "Now don't be pissed off when you see Peeta's fan club lined up outside. The entire world still wants to sleep him, you know."

"He wouldn't look at any of them," Katniss responded.

"No. No, he wouldn't. You definitely have him—"

"Pussy whipped," suggested Haymitch, causing Effie, Annie, and Johanna to laugh.

"I was going to say wrapped around your little finger. But we all know Peeta only has eyes for you. He's _always_ only had his eyes on you. Isn't that right?" Finally she turned to me.

"Hi, Johanna."

"Hello, Handsome."

"Oh, am I Handsome now?"

"Of course you are, when you're not trying to wring Katniss' neck."

"Glad to know you're still a bitch," I said with a smirk.

She threw back her head and laughed. "I've had kids call me that with more malice than you." I grinned and she stepped up to me. We embraced and then she grabbed my cheeks, stood on her tiptoes, and kissed me softly, sweetly, on the lips. When she backed away, she pouted. "Gee, Peeta, we had a lovely time on the elevator and you act like it meant nothing to you."

"You're crazy," I laughed.

"But that's why you love me, right? I just feel like you owe me a little more than that pathetic attempt of a kiss since it's your scream I still hear when I have nightmares." My heart fell to my stomach. "But let me guess: you only have nightmares about losing Katniss, don't you? I bet you don't even remember that we're familiar with each other's screams."

"I don't have nightmares, Joahanna, I have flashbacks. But thanks for your concern."

Johanna didn't respond to this. Instead she turned to Katniss. "Katniss, are you _jealous_?"

Katniss straightened her face, but before she did I caught a brief glimpse of the same look I'd gotten in regards to Delly. "Nope. I have no reason to be. And if I did?" Katniss smiled smugly at Johanna. "Just remember I always shoot right through the eye."

Johanna threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, Katniss, I do love you." Then she turned serious. "I'm glad you realize you love him. Everyone else could see it a mile away. You were just aloof. Almost… indifferent." If she was trying to get to Katniss it didn't work. Johanna finished with, "You're good with him."

"I've always been good," Katniss said softly. "With him? I'm better."

My heart stopped. She didn't look at me, though, but I could see that her cheeks had reddened.

"We better get going," said Gale finally, not meeting anyone's eye. I'd almost forgotten he was there. "We're late enough as it is. I'll lead. Haymitch, Effie, you two cover the rear. We'll have Katniss behind me, followed by Peeta, and then Annie and Finn, and finally Johanna. Let's move."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Lunch with Mrs. Everdeen was… healing, to say the least.

The two women saw each other and hugged, crying before their arms even embraced each other.

Lunch, obviously, would have to wait.

We gave them their space, but after an hour, we started to hear our stomachs rumble. I finally looked to Annie.

"You're the most comfortable here," I told her. "Do you think she'd mind?"

Annie shook her head. "Not at all. Let's go ahead and go to the kitchen."

"I'm just gonna check on them for a moment," I said, and made my way upstairs, where they had disappeared to.

I was about to call out Katniss' name when I heard a sob. I followed the noise.

"I was jealous," Katniss cried. "I understood why you left 12, but when I heard how close you and Annie were, I thought you didn't need me. And on top of that I was afraid I'd remind you of Prim, or that you'd remind me."

"Annie never replaced you, Katniss. She didn't even fill the void. We got close because I delivered Finn. I was a familiar face, as was she. But no one can replace you."

I hesitated. They sounded okay, so maybe I should head back downstairs.

It's always my name that makes me eavesdrop.

"How are you and Peeta, and will I be delivering your baby anytime soon?"

Katniss paused for a long time, and then finally said, "You know I don't want kids, Mom."

Why did my heart break every single time I heard that?

I left them, heading back downstairs.

Katniss and Mrs. Everdeen joined us after another thirty minutes. I stood up when they entered and walked over to Katniss.

"I'm okay," she murmured against my lips. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." I hugged her because I needed to make sure she was really okay. Satisfied that she was, I pulled away.

"I apologize," said Mrs. Everdeen. "I've been a horrible host."

We shot down her admission, telling her we understood, and that she had no reason for apologizing. She and Katniss sat down, making small talk with everyone.

"Haymitch, how have you been?"

Haymitch shrugged, noted the look from Effie, a look that _clearly _said_ 'Manners, Haymitch!_' and cleared his throat. "I've been living. That's the best I can do."

For a brief moment I wondered if it was awkward, thinking of how Haymitch had survived the 50th Hunger Games, the same Hunger Games that Maysilee lost her life in. Maysilee, who had been Mrs. Everdeen's best friend.

Still, the smile she gave Haymitch was warm as she turned her attention to Effie.

"And what about you? What do you do now, Effie?"

"I…" Effie glanced at everyone. "Actually I'm still looking for work. Dr. Aurelius just cleared me for work. I've been approached about modeling again, because my new look is just so _'edgy_….'" We all heard the disgust and contempt in her voice. "But I can't go back to that. I've only ever wanted to be an escort. How stupid was that? I'm still trying to figure out what else I can do."

There was a stunned silence, and I wondered how badly Effie had been tortured in the Capitol too. I had no idea she was still suffering. She just seem so much more put together than the rest of us.

"My offer still stands, Effie. I can make some calls," Haymitch said, and we all turned to him, surprised. "What? We're a team, aren't we?" Effie smiled at him, and I started to suspect, with the conversation Haymitch had with us about our fan mail, that maybe there was more to Haymitch than Katniss and I knew about.

"So, Johanna, how are you?" asked Mrs. Everdeen. "It's been a few months since your last visit." She turned to the rest of us. "The first few years after Finn was born she was here every weekend."

"2 has been keeping me really busy with work now," Johanna replied.

"2? What, you live with Gale?" asked Katniss, and when my head snapped up to look at her, I didn't see the same look she gave with Delly. She wasn't jealous, just curious.

"And Beetee, who sends his love, by the way. He couldn't get off from work, otherwise he'd be here."

"Oh, building more bombs?"

"_Katniss_," I ridiculed. "Would you _stop_?"

What could have been a sticky moment was quickly smoothed over by Mrs. Everdeen. "Katniss tells me you're a lot better," she said.

"I am," I told her, tensing a little.

"You take care of her?"

"We take care of each other."

She nodded. "I expect nothing less from a Mellark." I gulped. "If you're anything like your father… I know Katniss is in great hands."

I was speechless. The truth was, I hadn't thought much about my family. I had grieved for them in the Capitol, but when I got back to 12, I had shut them out. Even when I had rebuilt the bakery I had purposely chosen not to think about them. To have them thrust into my mind like this, so unexpectedly, was nothing short of shocking.

The entire table was looking at me, waiting for me to say something, probably thank you, but the words wouldn't form.

"Excuse me," I finally said, wiping my mouth and exiting the table. I made my way outside, taking deep breaths.

A few seconds later I felt Katniss behind me. She made her way next to me and we stood on the porch, looking out at the waves.

"I'm sorry," she finally spoke, and I looked at her, wondering why she was apologizing. "I didn't think about what reuniting with my mom meant for you. It was selfish of me."

"It's not your fault, Katniss."

"You never talk about them."

"I made the choice to forget about them."

Katniss didn't immediately respond. "Maybe we should add the rest of them to the book."

"The book's been done for a couple of years now, Katniss."

She looked at me. "I'll talk to the writer." She paused. "The writer says we can add them. Now if only I could find an illustrator. Know of any?"

I smiled. "I know one."

When we went back inside I apologized to Mrs. Everdeen.

"Don't apologize. You've nothing to apologize for. Everybody in here has lost someone."

It saddened me to know that that was true.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We stayed at Mrs. Everdeen's well into the night, only leaving when we remembered that Annie had Finn, and he had to go to bed.

Back at Annie's we all called it an early night. I think the emotions drained us all.

We made love again that night, but it was slow, and gentle, and a lot quieter. I was trying to comfort her, because I got the feeling that she hadn't quite gotten over her conversation with her mom about Prim, but somewhere I started to realize that she was comforting me too, because I had lost my parents, and I hadn't really grieved for them in five years.

Afterwards, she snuggled into me. "For your information," she said sleepily, "if Johanna strips in front of you, or kisses you again, I'm gonna drown her on the beach."

I chuckled. "I love seeing you jealous."

"Shut up, Peeta," she said, and I held in a laugh.

When she woke up screaming, near dawn, I immediately covered her mouth. She struggled against me, pushing me away. She quickly got out of bed.

"Finnick," she yelled.

"Shhh," I said, getting out of bed as well. I pulled her into me, noting she was shaking. "It's okay."

"Finnick," whispered Katniss. "Jesus. When will it stop? Will it ever stop?" She buried her face in my neck and cried.

At that moment there was a knock on the door.

Dammit. I knew she'd been too loud.

"Get back into bed," I told her, and Katniss did as she was told.

I pulled on my pants and made my way to the door.

Got damn it.

It was Annie.

"Is she okay?" I glanced at Katniss, who was staring off into space.

"She will be."

"I- I heard her yelling."

"I'm so sorry, Annie."

"It's okay. I still get nightmares, too. Tell her… tell her Finnick's in a better place. That helped me. It still helps me, when I can feel the sadness creeping in." I nodded. "Goodnight, Peeta."

"Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yah," she assured me.

"Night, Annie."


	19. Chapter 19

Katniss and I didn't go back to sleep, though, so after another half hour we made our way downstairs. I made us some warm tea, hoping Annie wouldn't mind. I just needed to get something in Katnis that would calm her nerves.

Annie joined us before I even finished.

"I'm sorry," Katniss said immediately.

"Don't be. Like your mother said, we've all lost someone." Annie sat down and I gave her my untouched cup of tea and started making another cup for myself. "Do you… do you dream of him often?"

Katniss shook her head. "I dream of Prim the most," said Katniss softly. "And Rue. I dream a lot of mutt mutations. But I'd say Finnick comes in at a solid number four." She took a deep breath. "I never got to thank him."

"Thank him for what?" asked Annie.

Katniss looked at me as I sat down. "For telling Peeta about 'Real, not real.' Because of him, I got Peeta back."

Annie smiled sadly at Katniss. "He knows. Wherever he is, he knows you're thankful."

"We bought the book," I told Annie gently. "We thought you'd might wanna see it. We didn't want to bring it up around everybody, because we're not sure how they'd react, but since it's just us…."

"Yes. Please."

I went upstairs to grab the book and handed it to Annie.

She stared at it, in awe. She flipped through it, stopping at some while passing by others. She read Johanna's, exclaiming we captured her perfectly. Her eyes filled with tears when she came across Mags, and then herself.

She cried, for obvious reasons, when she got to Finnick's.

"You made him a hero," she sobbed.

"He was a hero," said Katniss. I nodded my head in agreement.

Before anything else could be said, at that precise moment, Finn entered the kitchen.

I don't know why it affected Katniss now, as if this were the first time she'd seen him, and not any other time, but a the sight of Finn, Katniss screamed, standing up so fast she knocked over her chair.

I was next to her in a minute as she backed away, her eyes filled with tears.

"He's not Finnick," I told her, standing in front of her so that she couldn't see the little boy. "That's Finn, his son. It's Finn, Katniss."

At that exact moment Gale came bursting through the door.

"I heard yelling," he said, panting.

"It's okay," said Annie, her voice shaking. "I'll take him back upstairs."

"No," Katniss said, her own voice shaking. "This is your home, and he's your son. I'll go." She took a shaky step forward, her legs giving out. Gale and I both rushed to her, but he stopped himself.

It's like it just hit him that it wasn't his place anymore.

She clung to me, sobbing, and I sat her down in the chair. "He looks just like him, Peeta."

"I know." I held on to her but she stood up again suddenly.

"I have to go. I have to. I can't."

I watched her as she sprinted out the door. I was about to follow her when Annie came back downstairs. I hadn't even realized she'd left.

"Let me talk to her for a minute, okay?" asked Annie.

I hesitated, and Annie smiled at me. "You've been her knight in shining armor for five years. I'm just asking for a few minutes." I didn't respond. "And they say Katniss is the stubborn one." She shook her head. "You can come with me."

We walked outside and found Katniss on the porch, gasping for air, her body shaking with sobs. My initial reaction was to go to her, but Annie stopped me. She gently approached Katniss.

"I don't know how she does it," gulped Katniss. "He looks just like Finnick."

"I love him," Annie responded, kneeling next to her.

Katniss gasped. "I thought you were Peeta."

"He's here. He's right behind you." She turned around and met my eye.

"Annie wants to talk to you," I told her. "I'm gonna head up and shower, okay?"

Katniss nodded.

"I suspect I deal with Finn the same way you deal with Peeta," Annie started. "You can't tell me that Peeta doesn't remind you of the Games."

"He does."

"But what else does he do?"

Katniss paused. "Heals me."

"Exactly," beamed Annie. "And that's what Finn does to me."

I understood where Annie was going with this, so I left them alone, passing Gale as I made my way inside.

Back inside I saw that everybody was up.

"What's wrong with Katniss?" asked Effie.

"She's missing Finnick," was my response, and I went upstairs and showered.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We stayed for about a week, splitting our time between Mrs. Everdeen's and Annie's. Both places had thrown us for a few unexpected loops, but things got better towards the end of our trip.

I got close with Finn over the last few days. He was just so damn personable, a lot like his mother, though he was his father in looks. He took a liking to me as well, though I'm not sure why, and we bonded.

One day I was in the living room, playing with Finn, Haymitch and Effie upstairs on the phone while Katniss, Johanna, and Annie were in the kitchen, when I heard the front door open.

It was Gale.

He was unfinished business in my mind as well, as things had not gotten better between him and Katniss.

I was about to speak to him when I heard my name coming out of the kitchen.

"So tell me, when'd you fall for Peeta?" asked Johanna.

"Not this question again," muttered Katniss.

"It's just so _weird_ seeing you _listen_ to him, and letting him comfort you."

"He certainly does center you," Annie agreed. Annie and Johanna laughed.

"She's _blushing_," claimed Johanna. The two women settled down and then started speaking again.

"Peeta's good with kids," Annie commented.

I heard the tension in Katniss' voice. "Don't," she warned her friend.

"What? I'm just saying I've watched him with Finn. He'll make a great father to your kids one day."

"You know I'm not having kids."

Annie laughed. "Yes you will."

"What makes you say that?" Katniss sounded panicked.

"You know how the whole world knew you were in love with Peeta? This is no different," Johanna said.

There was silence for a long time.

Gale seemed unable to do anything but listen in as well.

I just prayed Finn wouldn't give us away.

"I'm not having Peeta's kids," Katniss finally said.

"What's holding you back?" asked Annie.

"I can't lose anyone else. Don't you guys get it?" Katniss' hiss echoed. "You think I haven't seen him these past few days with Finn? He's such a _natural_. He thinks I don't know, but I can't tell you how many times I've caught him looking at the picture you sent us of Finn for the book. He forgets I hunt, and I'm quiet. He never hears me come in. I've lost count how many times I caught him staring at that damn picture. You think I don't know what being here, around Finn, is gonna cost him?"

"You'll cave, Katniss," said Johanna. "You may not think so now. But you will. You'll marry him and have his babies, because you love him, and sooner or later you'll realize love means sacrifice."

"I don't have room for anyone else," Katniss argued. "I've lost my father, and my sister. I didn't mean to fall for Peeta. If I had had a say in the matter, I wouldn't have let him in. If something ever happens to him…." She paused. "I'll become my mother. There were times I thought I hated her, but I get it now. Losing Peeta to the Capitol was the worst thing, after Prim's death. If I have his child, and something happens to him, I'd do the same thing my mother did. I'd become what I mocked for so long. I can't do that. I _won't_ do that. I live in fear enough, without adding children to it." She took a shuddering breath. "They took Peeta from me. They took the most innocent of us all and tortured him as a means to get to me. Do you know what it's like to live with that guilt? And I didn't even know I loved him then. They knew, but I was in denial, oblivious. You take Peeta's innocence and multiply it ten fold, and that's the innocence of a child. And you people want me to bring them into this world, so I can worry about them for the rest of their lives, until it destroys me? And what will it do to Peeta, the man who's wanted them way longer than I ever have? I love that man. I love Peeta. And I know he wants children. If you think I've come to this decision lightly, if you think I'm being selfish, then you two really don't know me at all." I heard a chair scrape but was too paralyzed to move.

When Katniss saw me she stopped. We locked eyes and then her eyes flickered to Finn, cradled in my arms, and I saw that she knew. She knew I'd heard. She closed her eyes briefly, and that was really the closest I was every going to get to her regretting what she believed to be her truth.

When she opened her eyes, she saw Gale, scowled, and made her way upstairs.

For the first time, I saw no reason to follow her.

When I did finally go to her, after she hadn't left the room for about an hour, I found her standing at the window, looking out into the ocean.

"Come back downstairs, Katniss," I told her, walking up to her. "Haymitch and Effie keep asking about you."

"Are you mad at me?" asked Katniss softly.

I sighed. "No. I understand what you're saying. I don't agree, but I understand."

We go back downstairs, heading towards the kitchen since Katniss wanted some hot chocolate. We get there and see Gale looking at the book.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked Katniss. She looks furious.

"I was just—"

"That book isn't for you." She walked up to him and snatched the book away.

"Katniss!" I exclaimed. "He can see it. Everyone else has." I had been surprised but pleased to know that everyone wanted to see the book we had created. Even Johanna couldn't say anything smart.

"Everyone else has lost someone, Peeta. Everyone but him. He has no right to this book." Gale looked like he might hit her, he looked just that angry, but he just turned around and walked away, slamming the front door.

"Katniss, you're being ridiculous."

"Who has he lost, Peeta? Who?" She was starting to cry.

"You!" I yelled at her, grabbing her shoulders. "He lost you. And I know what that feels like." She stopped crying and let silent tears fall down her cheeks. "All he wants is a piece of you. I know what he's going through." Katniss hiccupped and I let her go. "We don't punish or exclude people because they didn't lose anyone or anything in the Rebellion. Gale suffers too, Katniss. You don't blame him. I know you don't. He was your best friend. You need to go outside and fix this with him, before the hate consumes you."

We had gathered a crowd. The shouting must have alerted everybody because Haymitch, Effie, Annie, and Johanna were all in the doorway when we turned around.

Despite my words she looked stubborn, so I grabbed her elbow. Everybody parted the entrance of the kitchen like the Red Sea when we headed towards the front door. We saw Gale on the porch, clutching the rails tightly.

"Talk to him," I told her sternly. "You can't tell me a part of you doesn't miss him." She stayed quiet and I pulled her to me. "Liking him isn't being disloyal to Prim."

"And what about to you?"

"Loving Gale would be disloyalty. Not liking him. Now go talk to him."

I watched as she made her way outside, following her, but stopping at the door.

"If Peeta had to make you come out here, I don't want to hear anything you have to say."

Katniss looked back at me for help. I just stood there, with my arms folded across my chest, an eyebrow arched. She scowled at me and walked towards Gale.

I shut the door and let them have their space.

"You're a better man than me," Haymitch told me.

I gave him a half smile and turned to Annie. "Sorry for all the drama toady."

"Don't mention it."

"This trip was supposed to be a vacation."

"It's been a lot to swallow," agreed Johanna. "But we'll leave here stronger." She wrapped her arm in Annie's and Annie smiled, leaning into her. They both shared a love for Finnck, but they were also friends. I looked around at these people and realized in the short week I'd been there, I'd gone quite fond of them all.

I don't know what happened between Gale and Katniss, and I never asked. All I do know is when we left the next morning, Gale and Katniss hugged for a long time, and she told him to call anytime. After they broke apart he came up to me, holding out his hand.

We made our rounds, hugging and shaking hands. I saved Johanna for last.

"I feel like I owe you an apology," I told her. She seemed surprised, her eyebrows shooting into her hairline. "I should have done better at keeping in touch, because I do remember your screams."

Her eyes filled with tears. "You make making fun of you so hard, because you're so damn genuine," she said. She pulled me into a tight hug. "I could have made an effort. I know how hard it was for you and Katniss. I _know_." She gave me a watery smile. "Take care of our Mockingjay, Peeta. I know you will. You always have."

"Will you keep in touch?" I asked her.

She looked at me for a long moment. "Yah. Okay," said Johanna softly. She reached up and kissed me, much like she had on her arrival. She sighed. "Oh, Katniss. If Peeta was my type, I swear I'd give you a run for your money."

"I'd bid you good luck, but I wouldn't really mean it," Katniss said in reply.

Haymitch snorted.

We said our goodbyes, Katniss hugging Finn, and it pulled at me, tugged at my heart a little, because I knew she'd be a great mother.

But she didn't want children, and I had no business trying to change her mind, right?

Not real.


	20. Chapter 20

**Hello, Loves! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! I just wanted to write a quick note: I have gone through and re-read ALL the chapters, and nearly every single one of them needed corrections. I am a perfectionist, and I try to edit my work as I go along, but oftentimes I miss things.**

**Please, please, PLEASE don't be afraid to point out a grammatical error in a Review. If you find any, just let me know! I'd appreciate it. All the chapters are now updated, as I have fixed several mistakes that I found.**

**I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as much as the other ones. Looking forward to all the Reviews.**

**Sarammlover: I just wanted to give you a s|o for seemingly being a mind reader and telling me that I'm staying in character, because I was scared I wasn't staying true to the characters. It gave me great relief to hear you say that you thought I was in chracter. I appreciate the support and I'm glad I have a new fan of the story.**

**Moriahhh thank you for pointing out the humor. I know it's few and far between. As a writer I know that we tend to be our own worst enemy, so it's a good feeling that readers laugh and cry.**

**Trude your faithfulness to this story is appreciated. Much love.**

**To the rest of you, I thank and love you all.**

**Humbly yours,**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

We took a hovercraft back home, because the only point for taking the train was to quietly make an appearance. Since that backfired, we decided to get home as quickly as possible.

After boarding the thirty or so steps from the ground to the plane, Haymitch buckled himself up, breathing hard.

"I am so out of shape," he grunted.

"We could always go back to my training routines," I told him.

"Oh God," gasped Katniss. "Please. Don't ever mention those again."

I grinned. "Was I that bad?"

"Worse. It was almost like you were excited about the Games."

I frowned at that. "I wasn't _that_ bad."

"You were obsessive, Peeta, Psychotic. And I didn't kow I loved you then, so I couldn't seduce you into calming down."

"Such a pity," I said, settling into my seat. Haymitch barked out a laugh.

"Okay you two," Haymitch said after we'd taken off. "There's something you should know."

"Now what?" muttered Kantiss.

"I bet we're about to find out why Effie and Haymitch were on the phone for the majority of the trip," I said.

"You're too smart for your own good, kid. When you get home, you have a conference call."

"With?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

Haymitch smiled.

"You'll see."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We got the call at noon the next day.

It was President Paylor, and she was informing us that we'd be having a conference call with Plutarch and Effie. Haymitch was present. I sat on our desk.

Katniss stood against the wall, her arms folded, scowling.

They wanted us to do an official interview with Ceasar for the memorial service. The memorial service we hadn't agreed we'd go to, but we hadn't necessarily disagreed, either.

"It's time," Paylor was saying. "Plutarch can spin this in your favor. Those of us who supported the Rebellion are desperate to see you two together."

"We're not for sale," Katniss said.

"Everybody's for sale for the right price. Tell us what you want."

"I don't want your money," Katniss said coldly.

"If I thought you could be bought monetarily I'd have made an offer years ago," said Paylor, and for the first time her voice was ice as well. "I don't want to buy you two, Katniss. I want to bribe you two. What will it take?"

I stared at Katniss for a long time, and she stared back at me. Finally she walked away from the wall. "We'll talk about it and call you back," I told them.

"You have an hour."

We hung up and I faced Katniss. "What are you thinking?"

When we called back, it was Katniss who spoke. "We want other people to be allowed to stay in Victor's Village. There's no point in the houses here going to waste. And not the elite. Normal people. And I don't want them to pay a dime."

There was a long pause.

"Deal," Paylor said. I smiled in victory. "Effie are you getting all this down?"

"Yes," said Effie.

"Good. Don't forget to have a copy on my desk by the time you leave."

"And I need a copy as well," Plutarch said.

I stared at Katniss, who looked just as puzzled as I did. Haymitch didn't seem surprised at all. Once again the thought that there was more to Haymitch than what met the eye entered my head.

"Katniss, Peeta. There's one more thing." Paylor's voice bought me out of my thoughts.

Damn it. I should have known there'd be more.

"We want to build a memorial in 12, in honor of all the lives that were lost during the bombing, much like the one we're doing in the Capitol. Prim will be featured, as will Peeta's family." I gaped, but before I could say anything, Paylor continued. "Haymitch, your mother, brother, and Nova will be featured as well."

Katniss and I stared at Haymitch, who had stood up suddenly. He seemed rendered speechless.

"The plan is to have it done in time for the ten-year reunion. That year we have the anniversary in 12. I want you two there, as the keynote speakers. You too, Haymitch."

Well shit.

I looked at Katniss. She looked… thoughtful.

"If you agree to this, I will not ask you to speak at another anniversary. You give me the ten-year reunion, you're free from every other one, before or after."

Katniss glanced at me. I nodded, letting her know whatever she wanted, I wanted.

"You do the same thing for 11, in honor of Rue and Thresh, and you got a deal. And Peeta gets to design our memorial. That is non-negotiable." With that, Katniss hung up.

We both turned to Haymitch, who wasn't meeting our eye. I suspected he was near tears. He didn't look at us as he left the office. When we heard the door slam, I wanted to follow, but knew he needed his space.

"I'd bet all my Winnings that Nova was the name of his girlfriend," Katniss said.

"I hope he doesn't drink himself to death," I commented.

"I get what Paylor's doing, but I don't know if it's what he needs."

I didn't respond to that, because I wasn't quite sure I agreed. Katniss always had a harder time understanding love than I did. Speaking of love…

"Thanks for suggesting I design the memorial."

"I just want to know it'll be real. You'll make sure it is."

That I would.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We got our answer to our demands that night. We were watching television when there was 'breaking news from the Capitol.' Caesar's face, his hair bright lavender, appeared on our screen.

"And we have just confirmed that the rumors are true: our star-struck lovers will be in attendance this year at the five-year anniversary of the Rebellion. This year, of course, we will be unveiling the memorial of the fallen soldiers, including young Primrose Everdeen, the younger sister of our Mockingjay. I am thrilled to announce that I myself will be interviewing our favorite couple. The two have not been to a memorial service, nor have we really seen them since the rebuilding of 12 four years ago when Peeta's bakery reopened." A shot of us holding hands, waving to the cameras in front of the bakery popped on the screen. We had refused to let the Capitol dress us in their ridiculous costumes and makeup, but we still looked good.

"As if that wasn't good enough news" continued Caesar, "President Paylor has announced that every District will have a memorial made in honor of their fallen Tributes, including a memorial in honor of Thresh and Rue in 11, and Finnick Odair and Mags in 4."

"The upped us one," I claimed.

"Holy shit," said Katniss. I stared at her, appalled. Other than during sex, I'd never heard her curse. "Sorry. I'm just shocked."

The story switched tactics and mentioned the fact that we had just gotten back from 4. A picture of Gale as our security flashed on the screen, and it happened.

I stood up, quickly. Katniss remained quiet and I closed my eye, willing the flashback to go away. When I know it won't pass, I make my way to a dark corner, away from Katniss, but knowing I won't need a chair.

I pulled at my hair for a few moments before I felt her.

"No," I moaned.

She bent before me, facing me.

"I love you," she said, firmly. "You still sleep with the windows open. Your favorite color is orange, like the sunset. What's my favorite color?"

I closed my eyes, tugging at my hair. I know this. I know the answer to this question. "Green," I told her.

"Real. I teach a class at school. You love to paint. You run a bakery. What's my favorite bread?"

I could feel my heartbeat slowing down. "Cheese bread," I breathed.

"Real. I can't cook to save my life, but I'm a good hunter. You planted primroses in front of my house in remembrance of my sister. What flower do you remind me of?"

"That's a trick question. A dandelion's a weed," I said without hesitating.

She smiled at me. "Welcome back."

"What was that?" I asked, standing. She stood up too.

"Annie told me how lists help her. When we talked about Finn, and how he reminds her of Finnick, she said she started making lists, like her and Finnick used to do. She said I should try it when you have a flashback or when I have a bad day."

I closed my eyes. I had a slight headache.

"Gale triggered the flashback," she said with confidence.

"Yah."

"What'd you see?"

She had never asked me about a flashback before. She told me about her nightmares, though, so she deserved to know.

I just wish it wasn't about this one.

"The Capitol didn't always make me think you were out to kill me. They manipulated me with memories to prove their theories." I made my way upstairs, needing a shower. "They planted you and Gale in my head sometimes."

I heard her stop behind me. I turned and looked at her.

"Not a lot," I assured her. "It's harder to manipulate memories that aren't mine. They used Gale as a way to prove you didn't love me."

I wasn't sure why she looked so mortified, but my head hurt too bad to try and figure it out.

When she joined me in the shower, I wasn't surprised. I knew a lot of things about Katniss, but I was still learning her. I was starting to get that lovemaking is how she apologized for things.

I don't know what she was sorry about. Maybe because she felt responsible for the Gale thing.

I was also learning that I had no business shutting her out after a flashback.

Nothing brought me back better than her moans, her hips thrusting back into mine, her body hot, ready, wet, and sleek, just for me.

Afterwards I'd asked her if she would marry me. She laughed it off. "I'm already your wife, Peeta. You know I don't need the title."

She knew me better than anybody, but she still didn't get the title wasn't for her.

It was for me.

Later that night she snuggled into me, still breathing heavy. "We're gonna get old one day, Peeta. Promise me the sex will always be like this."

"I'll do all I can," I told her, kissing her forehead.

I was nearly asleep when she spoke again. "I'm really happy I get to grow old with you," she whispered. Her voice was filled with tears. "I used to play crazy cat with Buttercup back in 13. I'd shine a light at him, and he'd try to chase it, but he could never get to it. The longer we played he started to go crazy. It dawned on me one night that I was Buttercup, and the game was the Capitol. You were the light and I could never get to you, never reach you."

"Shhh," I said, pulling her in closer. "I'm here now. I'm here."

"Don't leave me," said Katniss quietly. "Stay with me."

"Always."

"Will you fill me Peeta? Please? Be inside me. Now. God. Please. Now."

Who was I to deny her? I rolled over, pinning her beneath me, happy that I was already naked.

By the time I finished wit her, she was asleep before I'd even pulled all the way out.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The next afternoon I find Katniss at the bakery door, peeking inside. She turned around, heading towards the front steps, looking left, and then right. When her eyes meet mine, I see the relief, and the love.

It floors me.

I smiled at her and she waits for me. When I reach her I grab her and pull her into a tight hug. Then I plant my lips on hers, my tongue down her throat, surprised when she melts into me, because normally Katniss isn't into PDA. Then again, normally I don't pressure her. If this is what'll happen if I do, I might start to do it more often.

White smoke comes out of her mouth as she stares at me, her mouth open. Her cheeks are pink, and I don't know if it's from the cold or the kiss. "What was that for?"

"Because I love you, so therefore I can," I told her. "Forget your key?" I pulled my keys out of my pocket and unlock the door.

"I never need it, because you're always here," she told me, stepping inside.

"I was coming back from taking cookies to Delly."

Katniss glanced at me. "You… bake her cookies often?"

I smiled. "No. Just an early Christmas gift." I bite my cheek to stop myself from laughing. "What brings you here?" I put on my apron and start heating the ovens back up.

"I just got done talking to Haymitch," responded Katniss. Something about the way she said it made me look at her. "He was… cleaning."

"What? Cleaning what? One of his bottles?"

"His house," Katniss replied.

I stood there, dumbfounded. "Why?"

"He said he was tired of it. Tired of the mess, tired of the junk…. And tired of the alcohol." She took a deep breath. "Then he said that Nova would drop kick him if she saw him living like this."

I was still speechless.

"I told him that I thought he knew about the memorial, and he said he did, but only about Prim and your family. He said Paylor had thrown him for a loop by adding Nova. Then I asked him if he worked for Paylor. He just smiled and said, 'You know how you're the face of the Rebellion? Well I'm the heart, sweetheart. I've known President Paylor for years, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her, and vice versa.' He didn't say no to working for her, though, and when I asked him if he hooked Effie up with a job, he just grinned."

"I'm not surprised," I finally said. "He knows too much to not be involved some kind of way."

"He must be part of our protection," Katniss said.

I started rummaging around, gathering ingredients for the next batch of bread I had to make. I saw Katniss watching me and tried not to blush.

I wonder if she knew that she was making me hard.

Probably not. She never knew the affect she had on people.

"What bread are you making?" Jesus, when had she gotten so close?

"I don't know yet," I told her, my heart hammering.

"Can you make your raisin nut bread?"

"I'm out of raisins," I said.

"Oh."

"But I can trade for some tomorrow."

"Okay." She was restless. I knew her, knew this woman. She wanted me, but she didn't know she wanted me yet.

I was getting impatient. She was so close, and I wanted her so damn bad….

"Will you teach me how to bake?"

I laughed. "The last time I tried to teach you how to bake you nearly burned down the kitchen."

"I was distracted," she muttered. "You wouldn't stop touching me."

"I was trying to teach you how to knead." I walked to the door and locked it.

"Yah, but every touch was like an electric shock. I couldn't concentrate."

"That's not my fault," I argued with a smile.

"Every time I want you is your fault." Now her voice was husky. "Take now for example. You stand there, bold as brass, like you hadn't just knocked the wind out of me with that kiss not ten minutes ago. Then you put on the apron, covering you, though it doesn't quite hide your affection for me." Her hand slithered down my front and I moaned.

We made love against the counter, softly, gently, sweetly, and quietly. It was only the calm before the storm, because I really wanted her entirely naked, underneath me, in our bed.

When we finished I attempted to show her how to bake again. We got farther along this time. I showed her how to make the cheese bread she loved so much, and we made it all the way to putting it in the oven.

I don't know what the correlation is between Katniss and bread, but it made her wild for me.

By the time we were finished we were both on the floor, a tangled mess, flour all over us. We weren't quiet this time. At one point I was sure the windows were rattling.

I was too spent to check on the bread, and was therefore unsurprised when I started to smell it.

"I'm gonna close up early," I told her, putting my clothes my back on. She was getting dressed too.

"I didn't mean to distract you," said Katniss, looking sheepish. "I don't know what got into me."

"I got into you, a couple of times." She blushed and looked down as she buttoned her blouse.

I took the bread out of the oven, tossing it into the trashcan as I headed towards the door.

I missed the slight disappointment on Katniss' face, and like a fool, it never once crossed my mind that we could have eaten that burnt bread, in a toasting ceremony.


	21. Chapter 21

**Here's your Thursday update! I have to go back to updating only once a week because school's nearly out and life is ridiculously hectic right now. But don't doubt me! You'll ALWAYS have a story on Thursdays.**

**Enjoy!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

When President Paylor called to give us the final details for our trip to the Capitol for the anniversary, Katniss and I had one more thing we had to discuss.

"About this interview," I started.

"Any questions about the interview will have to directed at Plutarch," said Paylor, sounding harassed. There was a lot of commotion in the background, and I imagined that she was incredibly busy at the moment. "I'm going to transfer you two now. See you in a few days."

With that there was a click, and a few seconds later a familiar voice answered.

"Effie," I exclaimed.

"Peeta," said Effie, and I could see her smiling through the phone.

"Are you Plutarch's secretary or something?"

"Right now I'm being shared between both him and Paylor, but after the memorial is over, I'll be Plutarch's Event Coordinator."

"Wow. I guess Haymitch really came through."

"Yes, he's certainly been doing that lately. To what do I owe the pleasure of such an unexpected call?"

"We need to talk to Plutarch about our interview with Caesar."

"We? Is Katniss with you now?"

"Hey, Effie," said Katniss, who was sitting in my lap.

"Hello, Darling. Now please don't tell me you two are about to cancel this interview."

"Not at all," I told her.

"Very well. He's extremely busy, but I'm sure he'll talk to you two." Sure enough, he came on the line only a few seconds after Effie put us on hold.

"The interview will not be cancelled," he said immediately.

"We know," sighed Katniss. "We just wanted to figure out what questions would be asked.

There was a long pause.

"We know you know, Plutarch," I said.

"Maybe you should tell me what you don't want asked."

"I don't want to hear any version the words 'marriage' or 'baby," said Katniss firmly.

Another long pause, then a sigh.

"Will you talk about Prim?"

Now it was Katniss' turn to be silent. When she spoke, her voice was shaking. "You're saying if I don't talk about my fake marriage and the death of my fake unborn child, I have to talk about my real dead sister?"

I clutched Katniss' hand.

"The people want something, Katniss."

"I'm done lying to the people, Plutarch. We're done pretending for the cameras."

"Just because you're not really married doesn't mean you're not really in love. You two _have_ become the star-struck lovers. That's not lying."

"Using the word 'marriage' makes it a lie."

When Plutarch spoke again, it was after the longest pause yet. "Then tell the truth."

_Click_.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We were only staying in the Capitol for the weekend. Some people flew out there to celebrate all week, but I'm not sure Katniss and I could handle that, so we flew there Thursday night.

I was nervous as to how I'd react in the Capitol.

I'd talked to Dr. Aurelius. He'd be there to greet me.

Katniss knew how I was feeling, but she didn't leave my side as we made our way to the Capitol. Instead she held my hand, laying her head on my chest. I wondered when in the past five years she'd started being so comforting.

"You okay, kid?" asked Haymitch.

I nodded, but stayed silent. He glanced at Katniss and then back at me. I'd already talked to him about what to do if I had a flashback.

"You chose her over me twice," I had said. "Don't change that now."

When I felt the hovercraft start to lower I took a deep breath.

I knew I'd have a flashback. Dr. Aurelius already predicted it.

The problem was _when_.

If I could just make it to the car, I'd be okay.

Like we had in 4, we were taking separate cars.

We had also leaked that we wouldn't be coming until tomorrow, hoping that'd mean we wouldn't be surrounded by fans.

No such luck.

The fans were there, but the flashback wasn't, and if I had to choose one, I'd much rather have fans screaming than my head roaring.

I made it to the car.

I kissed Katniss, ignoring the flashing cameras, because this wasn't for them, but for me. She seemed to understand because she gave her all in the kiss.

"If I don't have a flashback, I'll see you tonight," I whispered.

"Come back to me regardless," was her response.

"You know I can't, Katniss."

"And you know I can't sleep without you." She wasn't trying to make me feel bad. She was just being honest. "Remember who the real enemy is." She kissed me again and I watched her walk into the other car.

I turned to Haymitch. "You have the sleep syrup?"

He nodded and looked at me. "You sure you want me to do this? She's going to be to pissed when she wakes up."

"I'm sure. Take care of her, Haymitch."

Haymitch followed Katniss to the other car. He was going wit her, because I had someone else in the car with me.

"Hello, Peeta. Welcome back."

"Dr. Aurelius," I said.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I certainly did have a flashback.

It hit me as soon as I hit the hotel room.

There were tons of fans there, too, outside the hotel, cheering for me, and calling my name.

I thank God it didn't happen out there.

It hit me full force, and it didn't relent for hours.

The last thing I remembered was tying myself up in a chair.

I pictured Katniss, standing on stage, in that white wedding dress Snow made her wear, me in my white tuxedo. We were getting married, Caesar performing the ceremony. I was thrilled, thrilled to be marrying the woman of my dreams. When Caesar said 'You may kiss the bride,' I closed my eyes and bent my head down for the kiss.

If I had kept my eyes open I'd have seen she was a mutt.

My naivety cost me.

When she pulled away from me she turned to the crowd and started twirling, her dress burning black.

Her transformation distracted me, and by the time I saw the bow pointed at me after she was finished, it was too late.

She struck me, piercing me in the eye.

Then she walked up to me, touching my cheek, and said,

"You painted the walls in our house because you hate white. We have to be home by sunset every day. You rebuilt your bakery from the ground up. What bread did we make in the bakery before we left?"

What was she saying? What was going on? I felt like this was real. It sounded so familiar.

But she'd just shot a bow through me. She was the Mockingjay. A Rebel. She was dangerous. She wanted me dead.

"You drew a painting of Rue in the Quarter Quell. You stopped me from taking nightlock after I killed Coin. When did we have our first kiss, Peeta?"

Kiss? We just kissed. At our wedding but you shot me. She shot me.

Even as I thought it I caught of glimpse of how shiny that wedding memory was.

_Not real. Not real. Not real_.

"You're a terrible hunter. I can always tell when you've entered a room because you're so loud. You told me all about the different breads in each District. What did you give me on the beach in the Quarter Quell?"

Beach? Quarter Quell? A painting.

We were kissing.

Sunset.

Not shiny. That memory wasn't shiny.

Real. So real.

"A... a pearl?"

"Yes," she sobbed, and for the first time I saw her, and saw the tears. "Real. We went to District 4 a couple of week ago. We visited my mom. Who else did we stay with?"

I could feel the haze starting to leave my brain.

"Finnick," I said, as he flashed in my mind. But that wasn't right. Finnick was dead.

Unfortunately that was real.

"No," I corrected, "Not Finnick… Annie. Annie and Lil Finn."

"Real. You make cookies for Delly, and desserts for Greasy Sae and her granddaughter. You made a cake for Annie's wedding. When did we share our first kiss, Peeta?"

This time I was ready. "The cave. In the 74th Hunger Games."

I saw the relief in her eyes. I closed my own for a few minutes, then opened them again when I felt Katniss' lips on my own.

When she pulled away I looked around. Dr. Aurelius was there, as was Haymitch, whose nose had dried blood around it.

"What happened to you?" I asked him.

"Katniss has a ridiculous right hook, which I'm getting increasingly tired of it, I might add."

"You hit him?" I turned to Katniss.

"He wouldn't let me see you."

"Well no shit," I sighed. "What are you even doing here?"

"Did you really think you were going to be able to slip me sleep syrup, Peeta?"

She walked around and untied me, then engulfed me in a bone crushing up. I hugged her back once I felt her trembling. When her body shook with sobs I looked up at Dr. Aurelius.

"How long was I out of it?"

"Quite a while. It's near one o'clock in the morning," replied Dr. Aurelius.

I'd been out of it for six hours.

"Why did you come here, Katniss?" I asked, looking at her.

"Giving you space and deserting you are two different things," replied Katniss. "I know how to help you."

"She barged in here, demanding to let her see you. She nearly broke down the door." Dr. Aurelius was staring at her with both awe and disapproval. "But… it worked. You started to get better the moment she got here. You struggled, but we saw more progress in the past two hours than we did in the past four."

"Did I… say anything?" I asked, my heart pounding.

Katniss shook her head. "It doesn't matter. The things you said we're real." Sometimes I remembered the things I said, other times not so much. But Katniss didn't seem overly upset. Just overwhelmingly relieved that I was back.

"How many things did you have to list?" I asked Katniss.

"A lot. But it didn't matter. You've given me a million memories over the past five years."

I noticed she looked exhausted.

"Let's go to bed," I said, because I was exhausted too.

"Good idea. You need rest," said Dr. Aurelius. "You should be good for the rest of the trip, Peeta, but Haymitch and I have discussed what to do if you do happen to have another one." He walked up to me. "I hope I don't have to see you again under these circumstances," he said, holding out his hand.

I shook it. "Thanks for your help, Doc."

When he was gone I turned to Haymitch. "How did this happen?"

"She figured out where you were. She knew we had switched rooms. She's smart, Peeta." Haymitch smiled at Katniss. "Violent, but smart."

"I'm sorry I hit you," said Katniss.

"You're sorry a lot, sweetheart." Katniss smirked. "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go to bed. It's late." He handed me my suitcase and ushered us to the door.

I grabbed Katniss' hand and we left Haymitch's room and headed to our own.

"You're the most stubborn person I've ever met," I told her on the elevator.

"That's why you love me," she responded.

Once we were off the elevator, which was connected to our penthouse suite, I pulled her into me. She seemed to be just as ready for me as I was for her. Clothes were thrown everywhere as we made our way upstairs to the bathroom, kissing and moaning all the while.

I don't exactly remember how the shower started running. Maybe it was automatic.

Inside the shower, soaking wet, her legs wrapped around my waist, waiting for entry, I looked at her, eyes out of focus, black with lust, her skin flushed.

"I'm sorry," I told her.

She whimpered as her eyes cleared. "Peeta."

"I need to say it," I said.

"The only thing you need to apologize for is going behind my back to give my sleep syrup."

"You did it for me before."

"To help you."

"That's all I was trying to do, Katniss. If my flashback was bad and I couldn't make it back tonight, I just didn't want you to have any nightmares."

She sighed and untangled herself from around me. "You talk too much, Peeta." And then she lowered herself and her mouth was on me, and I forgot about flashbacks, and the Capitol, and hell _everything_ but Katniss, right here, in this moment.

When I touched the back of her throat I jumped inside of her mouth.

It was quick, just long enough to make me want her even more.

I had her again in bed, the headache gone, the flashback washed away. Like it normally was after a flashback, our lovemaking was slow and comforting, and lasted well into the night.

By the time we were finished the sun was starting to rise.

"I'm not afraid of you, Peeta Mellark," she said, snuggling into me. "You'd never intentionally hurt me."

It was unintentionally hurting her that scared me.


	22. Chapter 22

**Headed to see Mockingjay AGAIN so I thought I'd post another chapter in honor of that! You're welcome (LOL)**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

Though we didn't go to bed until dawn we still had to be up pretty early because we had a 'major brunch' at Plutarch's. Accoridng to Effie it was the first major event of the anniversary.

We had to get prepped and everything.

I knew we would have to for the interview, but to be woken up only five hours after you've had a long night both mentally and physically is not how I wanted to start my day.

The knock on our bedroom door startled us.

"Rise and shine," said Haymitch. "Your prep team's here." I felt something hit the bed. "Those are the clothes you left from the front door to here." Katniss moaned out her embarrassment and I smiled. "Get dressed. You know they hate to be kept waiting. I'll see you two downstairs."

A few moments later we made our way downstairs, Katniss in front of me. She stopped short.

"Flavius," she whispered, then she was running, running towards him, and there was crying, and giggling, and then more tears.

The loss of Cinna, in that moment, was paramount.

"Effie insisted you two get prepped together," he was saying to us, "since… you know." Yah. I knew. My team was killed on national television.

"What are you guys doing here?" asked Katniss.

"We know how much you hate this process, but we thought it might ease your pain a little if you got us. Effie called us. We owed her one. We're all yours for the weekend."

"Now obviously we have a new team," Octavia said. "But we're the ones in charge now. Cinna had a few designs we found, designs specifically for you. Designs he made before he was killed."

"We've selected a _fabulous _dress for you," continued Venia. "We have continued Cinna's work, of course. Did you know he had an entire Mockingjay line? You were his diamond in the rough."

At those words Octavia opened the door and ushered in a newer, younger prep team.

"Forgive them if they're a little star struck," Flavius said. "They've been told to act like the utmost professionals, but you're the Mockingjay for crying out loud. _I'm_ trying not to jump up and down in excitement."

Flavius turned to me. "You are flawless," he said. "Portia always said you didn't need as much work. Perhaps because you're a merchant. Whatever the reason, you don't need me as much as Katniss."

"I'm right here still," she said. I laughed.

"We have you two in turquoise this year. It's the traditional color for a five-year anniversary. The fire will come, of course, but not now." He snapped his fingers and one of the new girls bought over a bag. "This is your suit," he told me. Then he turned to the girl, pointing. "Put it in the room." The girl walked off. He cleared his throat and two more people stepped up. "Bathe him, thoroughly. Then dress him. Leave his hair to me. You're a sex symbol now, Peeta, we must present you accordingly."

"A sex _what_?" I scoffed.

"Oh the ladies worship the ground you walk on, trust me," Octavia said.

"But don't worry. The boys drool over Katniss, too," finished Venia.

"Before we part ways…." Flavius cleared his throat again and another man walked up to Katniss, holding a little black velvet box. "A gift, for our Mockingjay. You haven't been left out, Peeta. Effie has your gift." Katniss took the box and opened it.

It was a newer, bolder, larger gold Mockingjay pin, nearly an exact replica of the one Madge had given her.

"Turn it over," Flavius said. Kantiss did what she was told and I saw her eyes fill with tears. She handed it to me and I looked at it. There was an inscription that said,

_Still betting on you_.

"Okay, let's get a move on, before we all start crying again. Peeta, if you'll go into that room over there. Katniss, let's head upstairs."

I followed Flavius' new team and let them work their magic.

I didn't really complain about the process.

Except for the waxing. I don't know why they still had to wax. I still hadn't grown a strand of hair from the 74th Hunger Games' waxing, and neither had Katniss.

They shaped my eyebrows and then started fitting me in my suit.

"I'm going to get Flavius so he can do your hair," Venia said.

She returned a few minutes later with Flavius and he started my hair.

I was done in an hour, and when he stepped back and looked at me he smiled.

I wore a black suit with a matching black blazer with a turquoise lapel. I wore a black shirt underneath with a matching turquoise slim tie. My shoes were black and my hair was as blond as it had ever been. I never knew what shampoo the Capitol had but I swear my hair was always blonder after they did it.

"Perfect. Simply perfect. Now go down to the lobby and find Haymitch. You musn't see Katniss before she's done. She'll meet you in the lobby."

I did as I was told, making my way to the lobby.

I had no idea it'd be crowded with fans.

Shouts of my name met my ears and I looked around, stunned. They were blocked off by security, but they were still here, all stuffed together inside the upscale lobby.

How the hell was I supposed to find Haymitch in this crowd?

Fortunately I didn't have to. He was there, by my side, a few seconds later.

"Let's get you towards the door," he muttered in my ear. He had shaven, combed his hair, and wore a crisp black suit. He looked so completely un-Haymitch I wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

He hadn't drank since the night Paylor announced Nova would be honored at the memorial.

I followed him and we made our way towards the entrance, but we didn't exit. As we passed I saw signs with my name in hearts. One particular sign caught my eye.

"Mr. Mockingjay," Haymitch scoffed and then laughed. "That's new."

"Peeta, can I have your autograph?"

Autograph? Damn, Katniss and I _had_ been living in a bubble.

I signed autographs, much to Haymitch's amusement, until a few people started asking him for his.

"Me?" asked Haymitch.

"You're a Victor, too. And you coached two people to win a Hunger Game. You're a genius," said one girl.

So when Kantiss got off the elevator, she found us signing autographs and talking to fans.

I felt her long before I heard her.

Story of my life.

The crowd seemed to recognize her presence just as I did. Suddenly the hotel lobby was dead silent. The only thing that could be heard was here heels clicking on the tile. And then the crowd erupted, with chants and screams of 'Katniss.'

I could see why.

She was… beautiful was an understatement. Her dress was the same deep turquoise that was in my suit, and stopped mid-thy. It stopped in the middle of her thighs, hugging her curves. It had a sweetheart neckline and pinned on her right breast was the Mockingjay pin. She wore gold. Gold everywhere. Gold bracelets, gold earrings, gold rings, and gold shoes. Her eye shadow was bright turquoise though, her lashes long, dramatic, and as black as her hair. Her hair was down for once, though it was all cast to the left side. I could see her scars on her right side, running up her neck.

She saw where my eyes lingered.

"I told them I didn't want them covered. People should see them."

"I don't think I've ever seen you look more beautiful," I told her.

"Me? Or the Mockingjay?"

"Katniss." I took her hands in my own. "You _are_ the Mockingjay, and there's nothing wrong with that. I know we lost a lot of people. A lot of people died in the Rebellion. But that's what happens in war. Look how much we gained, too. Think about how people get to eat now, and nobody has to live in fear. You're the face of the Rebellion. Embrace it. The world is in your debt."

I kissed her, gently, and quickly, because she still wasn't much for PDA, and we'd spent enough intimate moments—pretend or otherwise—in the spotlight.

"Oh! Katniss! Peeta." We both turned around at the sound of Effie's voice, and my mouth sprung open.

She was back.

Effie Trinket was back.

Her hair was gold again, and tall, really, really tall. Her hair was the calm before the storm. She wore pink. Shockingly bright pink, so her makeup and eye shadow matched.

"I have the most beautiful Tributes," she was saying as she approached us, hands outstretched. She kissed us both on the cheek. "And to think, my life's ambition was to be promoted to a higher District, not knowing I had diamonds, right in the coal mine."

"I'm a merchant, so…" I joked.

"If it weren't so rude, I'd give you the finger," was Effie's reply. We all laughed.

"Nice outfit," said Katniss.

Effie rolled her eyes. "It's _only_ for this weekend. I hate all the makeup and wigs. I get it. I'm a fashion guru, a former model. But _what_ I was thinking, dressing like this, day in and day out I'll never know. I don't mind looking normal. I don't stand out as much without the wig like I would have a few years ago. I'm not that Effie anymore. I don't know how to be that Effie anymore. And I can't say I want to go back.." She shook her head and then smiled as her eyes caught Haymitch. "Well don't you look handsome? Who are you and what have you done with Haymitch Abernathy?"

"Ha, ha," said Haymitch sarcastically. "Are you just gonna stand there and gape, or should we go?"

"Yes, you're right of course," Effie said, shaking her head, as if to clear it. "But before we go, we must exchange gifts. I see Katniss is wearing her gold pin. I, of course, once again, have my hair. We know Haymitch's original bangle was given to Finnick. And your medallion, Peeta. Well. Let's just say it's been replaced, per Katniss. This was, after all, her idea you know."

"It was?" I asked. I glanced at her, but she didn't meet me my eye. I wonder why it still embarrassed her to do nice things.

"Yes it was. She called me, a day after our conference call, and reminded us that we were a team, and that she wanted us to have something gold again. So, without further adieu." She held out one black box, not unlike the one Flavius had given Katniss, and presented it to Haymitch. "A gold pocket watch. This one's personal. It belonged to my great-great-great-grandfather. It's been passed down for years."

Haymitch fingered the pocket watch, and it was the second time I'd seen him speechless.

"And for Peeta," continued Effie. "Your gold medallion. Better than ever, I might add. Now come along. Plutarch is waiting."

Haymitch, Effie, and Katniss started walking, but I opened the medallion.

It was us.

The left side was a picture of the sunset, the right a picture of the beach.

In the middle was us, kissing.

It was a replica of my painting.

I walked up behind Katniss, spun her around, and kissed her full on the mouth. She seemed surprised at first, then she kissed me back. She pulled away after a few moments though.

"Peeta, everybody's watching," she said against my lips.

"I don't care. I needed to do that. I love my medallion. And I love you too."

She gave me a small smile. "I love you too," she said.

We walked out together, staring quizzically at Haymitch and Effie next to the limo, who looked like they were… _flirting_.

They distracted me from the man next to them. I didn't notice him until I heard,

"Hello, Catnip."

Why did this man always blindside me?

"Gale," said Katniss. "What are you doing here?"

"If the Mockingjay is in town, most likely I'm her detail." They hugged and Gale shook my hand. "Let's head out."

Inside the limo I slid next to Katniss while Haymitch and Effie sat across from us.

"So how's work been?" I asked Effie.

"Busy. Working for Plutarch will drive me to drink, I think" said Effie. "Speaking of drinking… I heard you're trying to quit."

"I think it's time," was Haymitch's reply.

"You know you'll always have my support."

"That'll be the first."

For some reason Effie looked offended at that.

"Are you seeing anybody, Effie?" I asked. It was such a random question, but it slipped out.

She laughed. "God no. Not everybody can be as lucky as the star-struck lovers. I'm much too busy for dating, with work and what not."

"But you just started working," said Haymitch.

I could see Effie's resolve starting to fall. "I don't date. The men can't handle my screams, my nightmares."

The car grew quiet.

"Wow. Buzz kill, right? Perhaps a change of subject is in order. We're on a tight schedule this weekend, so we must be on time—"

Haymitch, in a rare, comforting move, covered his hand over Effie's. "You don't have to pretend with us, Effie. I don't know who's more broken between the four of us. We're a team, remember? If there's nobody else you can be vulnerable with, it's us. You _should_ be vulnerable with us."

Effie smiled at him. "Thank you, Haymitch."

Maybe I was putting more into it, but it certainly seemed as if the four of us were quickly turning into more than just a team.


	23. Chapter 23

Brunch at Plutarch's was crazy. All these people were there, welcoming us, worshiping us. I didn't exactly know how to react to it all. Granted I had just told Katniss that she should embrace being the Mockingjay, but this was ridiculous.

The event was televised, but we declined any and all reporters who asked to speak with us. We weren't rude, because we had to "_mind our manners_," as Effie reminded us.

She had ushered us into the event the same way she had every other event, whispering advice and tips.

"Shoulders back, chin up, and smile," she had said.

Finally I turned to her. "We don't need coaching anymore, Effie. Just let us get though this weekend."

She seemed to understand. "Very well. Just mind your manners."

She'd left us alone then, and I felt relieved.

Underneath my calm, I was still worried I might have another flashback.

Katniss, as if she knew what I was thinking, squeezed my hand.

The room was decorated with Christmas décor, reminding us that the holidays were near. The brunch wasn't that bad, considering why we were there, especially when Johanna and Annie arrived, much to our surprise.

"We had no idea you were coming," I said, hugging them. "You could have said something in your letters."

"We weren't sure we would," admitted Annie. "Then I called Johanna and said if she'd go, I'd go, and here we are."

"Is Finn here?"

"No. I didn't want… not yet. He's still so young." I nodded and laid a reassuring hand on her arm.

A few minutes later Beetee and Gale entered the room. I felt Katniss tense.

Johanna, Annie, and I held our breath as Beetee and Gale grew closer. Beetee only had eyes for Katniss.

Katniss stared at Beetee for several moments, her face unreadable, her eyes guarded. Then she said,

"What happened to the wheel chair?"

"Paylor insisted I get new legs," responded Beetee.

Silence.

"Katniss—"

"Don't," Katniss interrupted. "I'm still trying to put it up behind me. I don't want to hear any apologies. It won't bring Prim back. If I can forgive Gale, I can forgive you." She pulled him into a tight hug and he hugged her back.

I'm pretty sure the rest of us let a collective sigh of relief.

We made small talk with everyone until Effie and Haymitch came up to us.

"Why don't you two meet me at my place when you're finished here? I think Haymitch will start drinking if we stay too much longer." I nodded and Effie handed me a piece of paper. "Here's my address. See you soon." She had kisses for us, and then headed out with Haymitch.

Not for the first time, I wondered what was between them.

We wanted to make a quick escape, because if Haymitch and Effie could leave, then surely we could too, because even Beetee, Johanna, Annie, and the appearance of Gale, didn't ease our confusion at all the people who wanted to shake our hands, and congratulate us on changing everything, and thank us for being so brave.

We shook hands until our hands cramped, posed for pictures until our feet hurt, and smiled for the cameras until our cheeks became numb.

It reminded me of the interview we would be having with Caesar tonight.

My stomach churned at the thought of what it is we were about to do.

We had decided not tell Effie or Haymitch, for fear that they'd be horrified.

I still wasn't sure we'd be doing the right thing.

But we understood what Plutarch meant. If we weren't going to lie about our lives, but couldn't undo our lie, we needed to give them something bigger.

We took our minds off it and said our goodbyes to everyone, then made our way over to Effie's, who had taken off her wig and seemed completely and utterly content and at home.

As did Haymitch.

She ushered us in, providing desserts and hot chocolate. Her house had a faux Christmas three, painted white to look like snow.

We sat down and I noticed how closely Effie sat to Haymitch, and the way he lightly brushed her hand with his caught me by surprise. Effie caught my stare and I turned away.

Katniss, of course, seemed oblivious.

"How was brunch?" asked Effie.

"Torturous," I responded, and Katniss looked at me, a small smile on her face.

We made small talk, until I couldn't take it anymore. It'd been five years, and my curiosity as to what happened to the wigs, makeup, and drama that made her look so _normal_ got the best of me.

"What happened to you?" I finally asked, and the atmosphere changed.

"What, Katniss didn't tell you?"

I turned to Katniss. "It wasn't my story to tell," she told me, and I understood.

"Well I expected you tell _Peeta_," laughed Effie. She looked at me. "I was taken, a few hours after the Games lost coverage. I didn't run. I had already known I'd play dumb if the captured me. I worked in and for the Capitol. I had that on my side. Any rumors of my betrayal I was going to squash, head on. All my over thinking was in vain, though. They never even asked if I was in on it. They just tortured me for information that I refused to give them."

"We were together when it happened," Haymitch continued. "When Katniss took down the force field I was… dumbfounded. I was panicking. I knew Beetee was supposed to do it, but we were supposed to have _time_. Katniss doing it, when she did it…." He shook his had. "Effie stood up, turned and faced me and said, 'Haymitch, stop.' Those two words, just as calmly as you please. Then she told me I had to leave, that this would be my only chance to hook up with Plutarch. Then she walked to a secret cupboard and pulled out a bag. 'You run, and you don't stop until we've won.'" I had no idea who that woman was, but the fact that she wasn't coming with me startled me."

"He got mad at me," said Effie. "Said after everything, I was going to stay? That my loyalties lied with the Capitol after all." Effie rolled her eyes. "I told him a watered down version of my plans, and then sent him on his way, not knowing if I'd ever see him again. I was so relieved to see him when I was released, even if it was to convince me to tell you to get ready for your trial, Katniss."

"When did it start to change for you?" asked Haymitch, and I got the feeling that Katniss and I were intruding on them, because there was something intimate about the way they were reliving this.

Effie laughed. "Let's just say Katniss and Peeta aren't the only ones who've acted for the cameras. Not that they were acting," she said with an eye roll. "Jesus Himself could have come down, saying 'Katniss, you are in love with Peeta Mellark,' and she'd still be like 'No I'm not." She and Haymitch laughed, and I felt the corners of my own mouth twitching as Katniss scowled. "No offense, dear. But you were in denial, for so long. Anyway, I recognize denial. I had convinced myself that I was okay with all the death, that it'd all be okay if I just got to a District that was _worth _it. I was so blind, so young, so… unsympathetic to it all. Disassociated, even. Even in joining the Rebellion, it was hardly political. It was definitely more personal.

"I'd say the 60th Quarter Quell was what really changed my mind." She looked at Haymitch.

"My 10 year anniversary?"

"You just looked so… _miserable_. And I finally knew why. You know, I'd been with you five years, and I'd never watched your Games. My predecessor warned me to just stay away from you, as much as possible."

"Yah, she was a lovely woman."

"She was a bitch," Effie said. "And so was I. When I saw what you had gone through I felt like an idiot."

"You certainly were a lot more… tolerable towards me after that."

"It opened my eyes. I quit modeling. I said it was because I had outgrown the industry, but the truth was, photographers said I'd lost my light. And I had. The Games—the death—was changing me. I still disliked you. Not because you were a drunk. I just felt like if you hadn't spent so much time drinking, you might be able to teach them something, because you were smart, really smart, you have to be in order to survive a Hunger Game. And I just didn't _understand_, because living in the Capitol you don't hear that President Snow killed your brother, and your mother, and Nova." Effie took a deep breath.

"After your 10 year anniversary I did try to be more patient with you. But then our Tributes kept dying, and I started to understand why you drank so much. _I_ wanted to bury my sorrows and take comfort in the bottom of the bottle. But I couldn't. _Somebody_ had to be responsible. But somewhere… somewhere along the way I grew indifferent to it all. I told myself I didn't care.

"And then two kids came along, and changed everything."

"We'd never seen two people as fiery as you two," Haymitch said. "Sure, Katniss was a little rough around the edges."

"But you couldn't find a boy purer than Peeta," finished Effie with a loving smile.

"You two were just so damn likeable. Well… Peeta was. Katniss has to grow on you." I snorted.

"When you guys won, there was so much relief. And I remember being so distraught over that berries incident. After all your hard work I just couldn't believe this is how it was going to end. But no. Claudius came on the microphone and said there could still be two winners. I'd never been prouder." She smiled. "And then I was so mad at you Haymitch, because we finally had a winning year, and you just stood there, shocked. And I was too naïve to get it. I hadn't heard talk of a Rebellion in years, but you knew, you knew the minute they had had two winners that nothing would ever be the same. And how could I know you were thinking of your family, and Nova? How could I know you knew how this story might end? I was just mad, because we had winners, and you still weren't happy.

"And you, Katniss… you burst my little bubble on the Victory Tour, with your talk of only being there due to you two having killed people, because that's what you were doing, and it was so easy to think of it like that, but I _couldn't_ think like that. I was already so sick of it, so sick of it all. I was starting to dislike the Capitol, and its stupid Games, and all that it stood for, but you can't _say_ things like that, so you push the thoughts away.

"When… President Snow announced that the Tributes for the Quarter Quell had to be former Victors, well I was undone. But then I noticed Haymitch. Haymitch, who wasn't as drunk as he could have been, or should have been. I knew you by then. I'd been with you for twenty years by then, so yes, I knew you. And if I'd learned anything in the 74th Hunger Game, it was that you were calculating, contemplative. I'd seen a side of you that I had never known existed."

"You approached me, on the train, and said, "Spill it, Abernathy." He turned to us, his eyes dancing. "She'd only ever call me by my last name when she meant business."

"So you told her?" Katniss asked.

"I did. And from that moment on, she was a part of the Rebellion. I never, ever thought she'd be taken, though. She played her part so well. I still don't know how they knew, or how they thought to capture you and torture you."

Effie cleared her throat. We all stared at her.

"I know you didn't let something slip to somebody."

"Don't be ridiculous. Didn't my story tell you anything? I'm an incredible actress."

"So how did they know?"

"The gold trinkets," she said simply. I stared at her, stunned. "I had already been warned that I should get rid of my gold hair, that perhaps I was coming across as too… disloyal to the Capitol. Its color was too symbolic. So what did I do? I started calling around town for a gold medallion and a gold bangle."

"Effie." Haymitch looked stricken.

"We were a team, dammit, and they were already trying to tear us apart. As hard as my Tributes worked, only to get called back into the Games? The Capitol didn't hear the nightmares you two had during the Victory Tour. Nor do they hear the pain behind your drunken slurs, Haymitch. And they had the nerve to threaten me, questioning where my loyalties lied? No thank you."

"You should have said something," Haymitch argued.

"So you could shut me out?"

"So you could be _protected_."

"Haymitch, I knew what was at risk the minute I asked you what was going on."

"Do you know what it was like, wondering if you were okay? I wasn't only worried about Peeta, you know. Katniss and Peeta aren't the only people on this team that I love." Silence. So much silence. A deafening silence. "Well shit. Now I need a drink."

"I think Katniss and I should go now," I said, and Katniss nodded her agreement, looking shocked.

I'm not sure they even heard me.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The next time we saw them they acted like nothing was wrong. Effie's wig was back on, and they arrived at our hotel room, only thirty minutes or so after we left them.

Katniss and I had barely had time to finish our quickie.

"Plutarch just called," said Effie, back to her brisk self. "He said you need coaching because you were going to tell the truth?"

"Are you guys _crazy_?" Haymitch asked.

"Effie, Haymitch," said Katniss. "You've known us for seven years. Can you trust us, please?"

Effie and Haymitch shared a glance. "If you're talking about telling the truth," Haymitch started, "you need practice, because you're about to drop a major bombshell. You don't know how it's going to affect this reunion, the memorial, the anniversary, nothing. You can't just—" Effie gently laid a hand on his arm and he took a deep breath.

"It'll be a hard pill to swallow, Haymitch, but we just need you to trust us. Trust the two people you mentored, and took down Panem."

"Don't throw my words back at me, kid, I'm nowhere near drunk enough."

I laughed.

When the prep team arrived, we were all ushered into our separate rooms, Haymitch with me, Effie with Katniss. I didn't know they were getting made over too, and neither did they.

"I need a drink," Haymitch muttered.

"Don't you dare," I said, thinking of Effie.

"I won't. I just want to." He looked at me. "I didn't know you cared so much."

"I don't. But Effie does."

Holy hell. Haymitch was blushing.

"What's going on with you two, anyway?"

"Probably the same thing that's going on with you and Katniss."

"So when she fixed your phone all those years ago…."

"No. Oh God no. I mean… we would never discuss anything like that over the phone. For all I knew Snow had my phone tapped. No, that was innocent."

I paused. "But you love her?"

"Yes."

I let that sit for a moment. "You love Effie. Effie _Trinket_. Upstanding citizen of the Capitol."

"Upstanding citizen who was a Rebel."

I smiled at him. "She'll be good for you."

"Either that or she'll kill me. Or we'll kill each other. It's kind of hazy."

I laughed.

When we were dressed, this time in all black, we waited by the front door of the hotel for Katniss and Effie. Haymitch was a little more casual in black jeans and a black button up, his pocket watch hanging stylishly out of his pocket, while I was wearing black slacks and a black suit jacket with a turquoise shirt underneath.

Effie looked like Effie, with turquoise hair, turquoise eyes, and turquoise lips, but her suit was gold, as were here heels.

Katniss was stunning to say the least. Her hair was pinned up by dozens of gold clips and pins. Her eye shadow, like Effie's, was turquoise, but with metallic gold mixed in. She wore gold earrings in the shape of—how symbolic—Mockingjays. Her dress was turquoise again, this one with gold pearls across the one shouldered strap. There was a long slit up the side, stopping at Katniss' hip, and it left little to the imagination. She wore gold stilettos that made her stand tall.

"You look…." I was at a loss for words.

"Naked," she finished for me. "One wrong move and it's over and done."

"Guess you're no longer pure," commented Haymitch with a smile. Katniss scowled at him.

"I told you, you're a sex symbol too," Flavius said as he followed her down the stairs. "Embrace it. Own it. And don't forget to push that button whenever you're ready so that you'll—"

"Yah, yah, I remember how this works," muttered Katniss.

She stepped up to me. "You ready for this?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"Let's do this."

We headed towards the door knowing we were about to deliver a major bombshell to all of Panem.

I just hoped that the odds were in our favor.

**I felt it was time to get a little background on Effie. I didn't want to go into detail about her torture because I'm probably write an Effie fanfic detailing it. Be on the lookout for it after this is finished.**

**Sorry to leave you with another cliffhanger. I wouldn't be me if I didn't LOL. I hope you have no clue as to what this major bombshell will be. Leave me your guesses in a Review please! If you guess correctly, I'll give you a s|o.**

**Hope you all are still enjoying it.**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


	24. Chapter 24

**DON'T JUDGE ME, but I definitely just came back from watching Mockingjay FOR THE THIRD TIME. Because of that, I HAD to post this LOL.**

**Consider it an early CHRISTmas present. You won't get anymore early chapters out of me because the chapter I post on CHRISTmas is a CHRISTmas chapter LOL.**

**Enjoy now!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

"Now you're sure you two know what to say?" asked Haymitch for the thousandth time. Katniss rolled her eyes. "It's _you_ I'm worried about, sweetheart."

"We'll be fine," I assured Haymitch.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"It's time." He stared at me for a long time, and then nodded his head.

Flavius pulled Katniss and I away, touching up our makeup. Caesar appeared a few minutes later, his suit completely turquoise, his hair light blue, his makeup both shades of blue.

There were handshakes and hugs, and then instructions. "When I say, 'And here they are, our Mockingjay and the Boy With the Bread,' you two will make your entrance, stage left. Got it?"

"Yes," Katniss said.

"See you two soon."

I turned to Katniss, walking away from Haymitch and Effie.

"You're sure about this?" I asked her softly.

"Not you too."

"I just want to make sure you've thought this through."

"I have." I stared at her, much like the same way Haymitch stared at me, and her eyes were clear.

"Okay. Let's go shock the world."

We waited for our cue, and the minute the word 'Mockingjay' left Caesar's mouth, an enormous amount of applause and cheers broke out. Katniss and I walked on stage, holding hands, smiling, shoulders back, and waved at the crowd.

We hugged Caesar and sat down when he invited us to do so.

"Katniss. Peeta. May I say, you two look lovely."

"Thank you," Katniss said. She sat closest to Caesar.

"Tell me, Peeta, have you gotten used to the smell of roses yet?"

"It has grown on me," I replied while laughter rang out from the audience. "It did take some getting used to."

"Well you smell good, and you look good. Who are you two wearing tonight?"

"The Mockingjay Collection by Cinna," said Katniss. A respectful silence hung in the air.

"Ah, yes. Our beloved Cinna. His designs live on then?"

"Yes. He was a fashion genius. They found thousands of sketches in his collection. He will always live."

"Well he has once again outdone himself. You two look as amazing as ever."

"He wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss him. His death—murder—was a hard pill to swallow."

I grabbed Katniss' hand.

"Was he more than your prep team's leader?"

"Absolutely. He was a friend."

"And Peeta. We know what happened to your prep team. You've switched to Cinna's team?"

"Well they've always done an amazing job on Katniss. If I couldn't have Portia, I'm honored to have Flavius."

"As you should. We'll be right back with Katniss and Peeta. Hang tight."

Applause broke out as a commercial aired and makeup artists came in and touched up Caesar.

"The crowd is loving you two," Caesar said. "You could just sit there and they'd be excited."

As my stomach churned in knots I kind of wish that's all we were going to do.

When the cameras turned back on, Katniss and I braced ourselves.

This was it.

"How've you two been?" asked Caesar.

"We're doing as well as we can, with the circumstances," I told him and the audience.

"This may seem juvenile, so please, forgive me for asking, but is it still difficult? How are you two coping?"

I squeezed Katniss hand as she spoke. "We have good days and better days for the most part. Every now and then one of us will have a bad day. But we have a routine. Peeta has his bakery. I have my survivor's class that I teach at school. It helps us keep our minds off of the loss."

"Now talk to me about this survivors class?"

"I teach students ages 10-15 how to hunt every year. I train them, then I take them to the woods, and teach them how to kill game."

The audience started to applause, and I saw the surprise on Katniss' face at the noise.

"And how's the bakery, Peeta? It's been what, four years or so since we were last in 12?"

"Yah, that's about right." I put my foot over my right knee, crossing my leg. "The bakery's great. Better than ever. It really gives me an opportunity to spoil the kids in the District."

"Kids. Ah, yes."

Katniss and I tensed, because I hadn't meant for this to be an opening. But we had told Caesar, we had told him not to mention children.

"So many young, innocent lives taken in the Rebellion." I inwardly sighed with relief, and I felt Katniss squeeze my hand, but she was still tense, as was I, because _this_ was the opening, the beginning of the bombshell. "Katniss, how have you dealt with the loss of Prim? We're here, at the five-year anniversary, honoring _her_, and all the children who died in those bombings, be it in the Capitol, or in 12. This is the first year you and Peeta have decided to come back. Why is that?"

I squeezed Katniss' hand, because this was it.

"War changes you, Caesar. The Rebellion changed everything. Losing Prim was hard. It was the most difficult thing in the world. It's still hard. If it weren't for Peeta… or Haymitch and Effie… and my mother, of course… I'm not sure I'd be here speaking to you today."

Perhaps not wanting to get too heavy too soon, Caesar changed tactics. "Now talk to me about Haymitch Abernathy. There were some nasty rumors swirling around that you two were at odds."

Katniss paused for a few moments, thinking. "Haymitch and I are alike in a lot of ways. We both have a temper. Naturally, we clashed. And when I found he chose to save me in the Quarter Quell, and not Peeta…." Katniss looked at me, briefly, and I heard her voice harden at her next words. "I'd have killed Haymitch for that decision if I didn't get Peeta back." Caesar looked appalled. "Fortunately, Peeta _is_ back, and Haymitch and I are fine." She smiled, batting her eyelashes, and the crowd laughed.

Me? My heart was hammering, because I knew how serious she was.

"I owe Haymitch my life. It took me a long time to come to terms with that. I'm not sure there's a braver man out there than Haymitch. He's certainly the best mentor. He kept us alive for two Hunger Games. How many Tributes can say that? What people don't get, what they don't understand, is that I'm only the face of the Rebellion, and I was kind of reluctant to be the Mockingjay. Some days I wanted to, other days I didn't. I just wanted my family and loved ones to be safe, and I knew the threat that being the Mockingjay posed."

"What changed your mind?" asked Caesar, leaning forward, and I knew it was coming.

"Circumstances, and Haymitch." Katniss responded. "This was bigger than me. Because even though I'm the face of the Rebellion, he was the brains, the heart, and the soul. And I think people forget that. They get so caught up in all the events, and they forget, that somewhere, for some time, Haymitch was secretly trying to bring down Panem, and take down Snow, because Snow finds a way to take everything from everybody. Haymitch is the true hero of the Rebellion."

The crowd was stunned into silence, and I wish to God I could see Haymitch's face.

Caesar scooted up, trying to get closer to Katniss. "Katniss, can you talk to us about it? Can you talk to us about the Rebellion?"

Here it was. Oh God. Live, on national television. There wasn't a soul in all of Panem who wasn't watching. This interview had been publicized ever since news broke that we would be interviewing with Caesar.

"What is it you want to know, Caesar?" I squeezed her hand tightly.

"You said Snow took everything from everyone. You, the Mockingjay, were supposed to kill him, were you not?"

Katniss paused, and I stroked her hand.

"Yes. Yes, I was supposed to kill President Snow."

"So what happened?"

Katniss leaned forward. "A bomb, happened, Caesar. A bomb that killed my little sister, who in my mind was the whole point for the Rebellion. I wouldn't even be here if her name hadn't been called and I hadn't volunteered for her. That bomb took Prim from me, and it hadn't been on President Snow's orders. No. It had been on Coin's orders. So I shot her." She looked at the camera then, fiercely. "I shot President Coin, and it was _not_ an accident, and I was _not_ crazy. You know me. You've seen me in the Games. When I shoot… I don't miss. Coin was no different than Snow, and in my mind, they both had to go. So I, the Mockingjay, killed her. And it's the only kill that I have yet to regret. And if I could have, I'd had fired my bow and killed Snow next. Now there's a death I'm definitely sorry I had no part in. And if you ask me if I'd do it all over again, I'd say yes, and next time I'd kill them both."

And with that, the screen went black as the lights went out.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

When the lights came back on, Caesar hadn't moved, and the audience was stunned into silence.

We were on a commercial break, so the stylists came out, and that seemed to wake Caesar out of his trance.

"This is going to be _huge_," he said as his team added eye shadow to him. "I can't believe this."

At that moment Haymitch and Effie were sprinting towards us.

We stood up.

"That was fucking _brilliant_," Haymitch said, hugging us.

"_Manners_, Haymitch," responded Effie.

"You know, I'm getting really sick of that, Effie," but he said it with warmth in his eyes, not annoyance. He turned back to Katniss and me. "When you two said you were going to tell the truth, we thought you meant about the star-crossed lovers."

"Don't be ridiculous, Haymitch. That's no longer a lie," Katniss said.

He stared at her for a moment. "You really meant it? Everything you said?"

"Yes, but I did it for my own selfish reasons. I was hoping people would start interviewing you and leave Peeta and I alone."

Haymitch smiled. "And would you really have killed me if we hadn't got Peeta back?"

Katniss arched an eyebrow. "Absolutely. And then I'd have gone after Plutarch, and everybody else who left Peeta in that Arena for the Capitol to take him. And then I'd have killed myself, for separating myself from him." She looked at me, after she said those words. "But Peeta's right here, and it's fine. We're good."

"I'm relieved," said Haymitch dryly.

Plutarch approached us then, his eyes sparkling. "You two… are gold," he said. We had no idea he was even here. "Katniss, you were brilliant. I had no idea you'd actually do it. I was suspicious, because you two are smart, and since you two left so quickly at my brunch yesterday and I couldn't ask you directly, I warned Haymitch and Effie to coach you, but that was because I wasn't sure you had really gotten my meaning. 'Tell the truth' could have gone one or two ways."

Caesar came to us then. "We must finish the interview. Pardon us."

Back on stage, the audience still not completely settled, Caesar continued.

"How is your relationship with Haymitch now?" he asked.

Katniss looked in the corner, at Haymitch. "He's my mentor. And he's never stopped being that. We're a team. We still wear our gold." She touched her gold Mockingjay earrings, and Haymitch smiled and fingered his pocket watch.

"And Peeta, how do you feel, knowing Haymitch chose Katniss' life over yours?"

I cleared my throat. "I never had a problem with it. That was the plan. All I ever wanted was for Katniss to win. I knew that meant at the expense of my life."

"Peeta," Katniss said, and I heard the underlying anger in her voice.

I laughed, kissing her hand. "She hates when I talk like that, but that's one major difference between us. I always thought I'd die in that arena. Katniss refused to think like that. That's why she's our Mockingjay."

"Peeta should have been the Mockingjay," interrupted Katniss, "because he's pure and innocent."

"I couldn't be the Mockingjay. You has a way of seeing the bigger picture. I think my innocence is a crutch sometimes. I'm not as strong as you." I turned to the audience. "I'm alive because of her strength."

"We all are," agreed Caesar as the audience broke out into 'awww's' and applause. Changing topics he said, "How difficult has this weekend been for you two?"

Katniss stared at Caesar. "I have cried for Prim, but I'm not sure I've really grieved for her. We never had a funeral, you know, for her, or for any of those who'd died in the bombings. This weekend has been healing. Talking about it has helped."

"And your mom? How is she fairing?" asked Ceasar.

"She's healing too. I think living in 4 has helped her, given her a purpose. She brings life into the world, and nothing, nothing cures the shock of death like new life."

I turned to her, shocked, and she seemed just as surprised at her words. She unclasped my hand and closed her mouth, staring back at Caesar, avoiding my eyes. I turned back to Caesar, my mind whirling.

For a second there, it seemed like Katniss had wanted children.

"And what about President Paylor? Rumor has it that she's who convinced you both to come. Is that true? What's your relationship with her like?"

"I'd love to know who your sources are, Caesar," laughed Katniss.

"I have friends in high places too, you know," Caesar grinned.

"Either that or our phones are tapped," I said.

The audience laughed appreciatively.

"To answer your question, President Paylor was the perfect choice for President. She clearly cares about _all_ the Districts. She was the right woman for the job. And yes, she convinced us to come."

"Not to mention she's not bad to look at while giving those speeches, aye Peeta?"

"She's a right better eye candy than Snow ever was, that's for sure." Everybody laughed.

"We only have a few more moments left, folks, so Katniss, Peeta, any last words?"

She finally glanced at me, and I nodded, once, before she stood up.

"May I twirl, Caesar? For old time's sake?"

Before he could answer the crowd started screaming and clapping, standing on their feet.

She stepped forward, and said, in a loud, clear voice, "In honor of Cinna." Then she turned, and her turquoise dress caught fire. I watched in awe as my Katniss turned into the Girl on Fire, her dress changing from turquoise, to red flames, and finally to a strapless black leather dress, hugging every curve. A large, gold tiara sat atop her head, and then she spread her arms and her wings, those long, fabulous wings, spread, and the crowd erupted.

She was back.

The Mockingjay was back.

**I hope that bombshell was really a bombshell. I thought long and hard about it, and I just can't see the truth never coming out. People are not stupid, which I tried to hint at in an earlier chapter when Gale told them so while Peeta and Katniss were heading to Annie's. I just don't buy the fact that nobody ever told the truth about Coin. Everybody was just going to let Katniss be insane? Nah. Not in MY version of the books LOL.**

**Perhaps I should address the fact that Dr. Aurelius lied, and maybe telling the truth might make him lose his license blah, blah, blah. If Gale can blow up Prim, which to me is the most God-AWFUL part of this ENTIRE series, even more than Peeta being hijacked (the man couldn't be perfect the whole damn time LOL) then SURELY Dr. Aurelius will be fine, and still respected. Remember this is a new Panem, a new Republic, so for the sake of MY story, he's fine. **

**Also, I think Haymitch is probably the most underrated character in the books. Here's what I do know, folks: planning a revolution, a rebellion, a war, takes years. If Plutarch had been in on the grand scheme of things, as did Cinna, that meant that there had been a larger plan in place from day one. There is no way anybody can ever convince me Haymitch is just a drunk. Everything we think about these characters are one-dimensional because we only get told what Katniss sees. In the books Katniss is a fifteen/sixteen year old girl. She could care less about Haymitch's history. I wanted a chapter where someone says what I've been thinking the whole time: Haymitch is the shit LOL. **

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter!**

**-thamokcingjayandpeeta**


	25. Chapter 25

**AH! We're a week away from CHRISTmas! I can't wait.**

**FYI, I just want to say to all the Guests who have read my story, I wish I could respond to you all! Your Reviews are as important as everyone else's.**

**For the record, this is one of my personal favorite chapters. I hope you all like it too.**

**Looking forward to the Reviews,**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

The first person we saw when we exited the stage was Mrs. Everdeen. Katniss ran to her and the two women embraced. We knew she would be getting here late tonight. We just weren't sure what time.

Katniss and Mrs. Everdeen were barely hugging when Gale came up to us, and his face was set.

"Are you two _insane_?" Gale asked. "Do you know the amount of danger you two just made for yourselves? That you've made for all us? I'm sure President Paylor is shitting bricks right now."

"President Paylor was warned that they might do this," said Plutarch, walking up to all of us. "It was on my orders that they did so."

"It doesn't matter. We need to get you two back to your hotel, and locked in, until we can assign more security to you. You two are indoors for tonight." He turned and started walking, and we had no choice but to follow.

"You did the right thing," Plutarch called after us.

Mrs. Everdeen, Haymitch, and Effie followed behind us.

I don't know what kind of power Gale had, but there was ten times more security now than before. They all surrounded us to the car. We got into the car, blinded by cameras flashing.

The streets, for once, were silent, and I knew it was because of the shock of the interview.

By the time we got to the hotel, though, people had recovered. More cameras met us outside, and even more fans were shouting our names. They seemed to be on our side….

When we reached our elevator there were two guards at the door. "No one else gets in and out of this elevator," Gale told the security guards. He turned to us as we rode the elevator. "You want to eat, don't order room service. You tell one of the guards, and they'll contact me. All of you can stay here tonight if you wish, but once you're inside, no one will be permitted to leave or enter again, other than myself. I will not budge on that."

"I'm not leaving them," Haymitch said. He turned to Effie. "Princess maybe you should—"

The look on Effie's face had him choking on his words. "I'm not going anywhere," she told him firmly.

"Nor am I," said Mrs. Everdeen.

"Very well."

I personally thought Gale was overreacting, but we did as we were told.

Maybe it was the talk of the Rebellion, or Gale's reaction to our admission, but for whatever that reason, I had my first nightmare in I don't know how long. This time it was Katniss who was comforting me, holding me, brushing my hair out of my face.

"What'd you dream about?" she whispered, her breath warm against my neck.

"The 74th Games. I handed you my knife and you turned into a mutt and killed me, after telling me that you hated my guts and would never love me, and that Gale was ten times the man I was."

She sat up and looked at me.

"It was just a dream." And she was supposed to be the one comforting me.

"Do you resent me? For what I did?"

"Of course not," I told her, sitting up so that I could face her. "I wasn't even mad. Well, not at you. I was more mad at myself for not seeing it sooner. And… hurt. For a little while I wondered why you just didn't kill me in the Games. It had to hurt less than that ache in my heart." She turned away from me. "I wouldn't have told you if I knew you'd get so upset. It was just a stupid dream. Gale wasn't even what bothered me. You killed me in the dream. That's what made it a nightmare."

"That doesn't bother me because I know I'd never kill you. But I hurt you, on more than one occasion, with the whole Gale thing, and it still bothers me."

"Well I've forgiven you. Seems like you need to forgive yourself."

With those words, I lied back down and let sleep consume me.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The memorial service actually took all day to prep for. Haymitch and Effie were in the bedroom they slept in, as the penthouse had many bedrooms, and were being worked on by a team handpicked by Flavius. Mrs. Everdeen was getting the same treatment in another bedroom. I was in the downstairs Master's Suite, while Katniss was upstairs in our bedroom.

We hadn't been allowed to leave the room for breakfast, but not per Gale. Per Flavius. There was too much work to be done, apparently, so they had trays of food and wine bought up.

Getting ready took longer than usual, because Mrs. Everdeen started crying half way through, which in turn caused Katniss to start crying, and then got Effie started.

Flavius used waterproof makeup the second time around.

When everyone was finished, I looked around.

Everyone was dressed in black, but the turquoise accents made it so nobody looked somber. Haymitch had on another black suit, though he wore a turquoise bowtie with gold primroses stitched into them. Effie wore a long, slender black dress with gold accessories, including a bracelet in the shape of tiny primroses. Her hair and makeup were turquoise. I wore black pants, a black leather suit jacket, a gold slim tie with turquoise primroses stitched on it. Mrs. Everdeen wore a one-piece dress, the top glittering with turquoise and gold, the bottom made up of black primroses.

But Katniss was truly the belle of the ball. For once she wasn't wearing a dress, but a slender black one-piece pants suit with a low-cut V that cut down all the way to her exposed navel. She wore a long, leather cape with silk turquoise lining the inside. She had her gold mockingjay pinned to her right breast, but perhaps most importantly, she had a halo of white primroses on her head, her hair down and wavy.

Katniss turned to Flavius. "The primroses were a beautiful touch," she told him, her eyes filled with tears.

We were unprepared for the amount of cameras and reporters. They all yelled at us, asking us to say something, anything. Questions pertaining to our interview were being screamed at us. There were thousands of fans between here and President Paylor's mansion, and we were scheduled to leave two hours before the event, and rightfully so, because it took us an hour to get there, even though it was only a few miles away.

"Jesus," whispered Katniss. "I never thought we'd be here again. You okay?"

"Yah. This Capitol isn't the same Capitol that took me. I'm fine." Katniss smiled at me and I saw her reach over and grab her mother's hand.

Together, we made our way up the stairs.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We sat at a table, facing the entire world. President Paylor, who looked as beautiful as ever in a silk white dress, a primrose pinned to her breast, a charm bracelet with a mockngjay on it on her wrist, approached us like old friends. Being President had not aged her a bit.

"Welcome back," she had said when we arrived, kissing each of us. "Peeta, you look as handsome as ever." Her brown eyes sparkled when she got Katniss. "I hope you're not too mad at me, Katniss. I know you don't really want to be here."

"It's not as bad as I thought," replied Katniss. "You look great."

"As do you. May I say, the interview was the best I've ever seen."

"You're just saying that because you were mentioned," I said with a smile.

She flashed me a grin. "Katniss, if I were a few years younger, and didn't care a thing about you, I swear I'd take this charming baker from you."

"Get in line," said a voice behind us, and we were greeted with a beautiful Johanna. "Didn't mean to interrupt, Madam President."

"You look great, Johanna," President Paylor said, shaking Johanna's hand. Johanna was dressed in all black, a necklace of primroses around her neck, a mockingjay ring on her hand.

"As do you. I'd kill to have your curves."

"You do have my curves. They say a woman's best curve is her smile."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "If that's what your speech is going to sound like tonight, point me to the nearest bar."

Katniss snickered.

We made small talk, Gale, Beetee, Annie, Haymitch, Mrs. Everdeen, and Effie joining us. A few minutes before the ceremony Presient Paylor excused herself.

"Your seats are at the table, next to the Speaker's Box. I'll see you all shortly," Paylor said, and disappeared.

Katniss and I looked stricken, then turned towards Haymitch and Effie.

"Did you know?" I asked Haymitch and Effie.

Their silence was my confirmation.

"You set us up," Katniss said. "You're putting us on display."

"Young lady," and Katniss and I turned to Effie, bracing ourselves, because it had been _years_ since she had taken on that tone. "You two are here as guests of the President. Of _course _you'll sit at her special table. You should be honored."

"I think your wig is too tight," Katniss snapped.

"Katniss," I warned. "It won't be that bad." She huffed and walked away. I stepped to Effie. "You should have warned us," I whispered. "She'd have cooperated in the end. It gets tiring having people constantly go behind your back making plans you know nothing about."

Effie's eyes filled with tears but she blinked them away.

She had gone and apologized to Katniss, and we sat in the Presiden't Box, President Paylor in the center, Katniss next to her, me next to Katniss, Haymitch next to me, and Effie at the end. On President Paylor's left sat a handsome Black man that must be Paylor's date, Mrs. Everdeen, Plutarch, and Caesar.

Paylor's speech was beautiful as she spoke of those who lost their lives and left Snow completely out of it. Her speech made this night about the fallen victims, not the horrors we had fought for. She spoke lovingly and kindly, and with warmth and awe in her voice as she spoke of Prim, and Katniss held my hand, tears falling down her face.

Afterwards, those of us at the table, as the most important faces of the Rebellion, including Annie, Johanna, Gale, Beetee, and all those who had survived, followed President Paylor towards the covered statues. Katniss stood between her mother and me.

Counting down from ten, Paylor cut the rope keeping the memorial covered, and the sheet came floating down, revealing a large, golden statue of several people, from Cinna, Wiress, Finnick, Mags, and Boggs. There were also other children, whose names I didn't know, as well as Rue, but Prim stood above all the others, tall and proud, the details ridiculously accurate, down to her two pigtails, her shirt untucked in the back.

"May we please have a moment of silence," Paylor said, and before she could bow her head, Katniss let go of my hand, her three fingers pressed to her lips, and whistled out the four-whistle tune, putting her arm in the air, tears falling down her face.

It seemed appropriate, and the rest of chimed in after her.

Afterwards we all walked back to the table, where Caesar lightened the mood by asking Katniss to dance. President Paylor asked me to dance, and I obliged. Afterwards I danced with Effie and Johanna while Katniss danced with Haymitch and Beetee.

Gale approached Katniss at the same time Mrs. Everdeen approached me.

Her eyes were still red, but when she came up to me, she smiled.

"I didn't really get a chance to talk to you while you two were in 4," she told me as we danced. "But I did want to say thank you."

"For what?"

"For being braver than me, and returning back to 12 to help Katniss. I wasn't brave enough to do it. 12 hadn't been home for me for quite some time. Most of the townspeople hated me because I married my husband, and those from the Seam thought that he could do way better than me as a wife. Leaving 12 was easier than I ever thought it'd be. Leaving Katniss was much harder. But she's so much better with you. You wouldn't know this of course, but she got better the minute you returned. It may not have seemed like it, but I heard a difference even in her voice. She's very fortunate to have you."

"I feel the same."

"You would. She told me about you planting primroses. That was sweet."

"Prim was sweet, and she deserved to live on in the flowers her name comes from."

Mrs. Everdeen's eyes filled with tears but she didn't let them fall. "I wanted to tell you… your father was a good man, Peeta, and I did care about him. My husband just…."

"Mrs. Everdeen, you don't owe me an explanation. What happened between my father and you was years ago."

"History has a way of making things… I don't want to say right, but that's the word that comes to mind. Marrying my husband wasn't wrong, but I won't say there weren't times I didn't wonder how my life would have been with your father. But you being with Katniss… I think that's the Universe's way of making things right. Your father didn't get me, but you got Katniss, and she got you, and I've never seen her look at anyone like she looks at you.

"And the look in your eyes when you see her, the way you always know when she's in the room, or nearby… well let's just say that's a paternal trait. I loved my husband, but I cared about your father, and I knew him, and I know he'd be proud of you. And I'm grateful, and so happy, that you are with Katniss, because she deserves you, and you deserve her."

She reached up and wiped away a tear I didn't even know had fallen.

"I don't have to tell you take care of her. You've done that since the minute your name was called in the Reaping. Just keep doing what you're doing." She kissed me softly on the cheek and backed away, and I took a few shuddering breaths to calm my nerves.

When Katniss walked up to me, her arms slithered around my neck and I pressed myself into her.

"Are you okay?" Katniss asked softly.

"Yah. Are you ready to go?"

"I am if you are, but I thought we could share at least one dance."

"Everybody wants a piece of the Mockingjay," I said with a smile.

She scoffed. "No, everybody wants a piece of you. You should have heard some of the things the girls were saying. The most flattering thing I heard was something along the lines of, 'I get it: she's the Mockingjay, but besides that, what else does he see in her?' I also got a lot of, 'I wish he'd settle down with me. He deserves much better than a Seam girl. A Capitol girl is much better suited for Mr. Mellark.'

I snorted. "These people are still as full of themselves as ever."

I hugged Katniss, planting soft kisses on her neck.

"Okay, forget the dance. Let's go." I heard the urgency, the desire in her voice, and we broke apart to find Haymitch and Effie, who were dancing together, _very_ closely.

"We're calling it a night," I told them.

"Us too. We're emotionally drained," said Effie.

"Let's find President Paylor, say our goodbyes, and head out," I suggested, and we did just that, also letting Mrs. Everdeen know. She said she wanted to stay a while longer, and she headed off in the direction of the memorial. Katniss watched her and I looked at Katniss, and she shook her head.

"She needs to grieve," said Katniss.

With our security in tow, we headed back to the hotel.

**Okay, I had to add in a Mrs. Everdeen and Peeta moment, because I felt like there was a great back-story with Mrs. Everdeen and Peeta's father. I just find it an interesting dynamic that Peeta's father loved her, but it was Peeta who had gotten Mrs. Everdeen's daughter. I don't believe in the "Universe" BS (I actually got that from Boy Meets World. Cory always talked about the Universe making things right). But I just love the fact that even though Mr. Mellark and Mrs. Everdeen didn't get together, their kids did. I felt that it was important for this moment/scene to happen. I always felt like Peeta needed closure. Hope you all agree and enjoyed. **

**Please Review your thoughts.**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


	26. Chapter 26

**Thank you all so much for sticking with me, and this story! I've gotten so attached to it! I hope you all are loving it too.**

**Merry CHRISTmas loves! Leave me presents (as in Reviews)**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

"So she was saying that the Universe had it so that you and Katniss got together?" asked Haymitch right before we boarded the train home back to 12 the next day. We had said our goodbyes to everyone, Mrs. Everdeen and I hugging for a long time. Katniss had asked what that was about, as she hadn't asked last night, and I told them all about my conversation with Mrs. Everdeen.

"Basically," I responded.

"And here I thought it was because the odds were ever in our favor," Katniss said. Effie giggled and I smiled.

"Basically she was saying Katniss and I got together as a way to making things right between her and my father, not that Mrs. Everdeen was wrong in marrying Mr. Everdeen."

"So you know what the means, then, don't you kid?" Haymitch's eyes were twinkling.

"No, what?"

"That one of you and Katniss' kid is gonna hook up with one of Gale's kids."

I stared at my mentor, dumbfounded, as he and Effie started laughing.

"Face it. Gale's going to be around for the rest of your life."

"Yah, it'd be funny if Peeta and I were ever gonna have kids," Katniss muttered, and she folded her arms across her chest, a scowl on her face.

"You _still_ don't want kids, Katniss?" asked Effie. "With Peeta Mellark? The entire world wants to sleep with him, you know. Why, if I were your age… I'd give you a little challenge, I think."

"If _one_ more person says that," Kantiss exploded, "I _swear_ I'll—" but Haymitch, Effie, and I laughing hysterically drowned out what she would do.

"Your jealousy is so amusing," said Haymitch.

"I'm not jealous." She looked away from all of us, and we burst into laughter when we heard Katniss mumbling things like, 'First Johanana,' then 'naked in an elevator,' followed by, 'President Paylor,' and finally, 'Effie."

"What was that dear?" I asked, and I swear if looks could kill I'd be dead.

It didn't stop me from chuckling, though.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I was immensely relieved to be back home in 12. Mostly because it felt like the holidays here. People were joyful and happy, and Christmas carols could be heard blasting out of the shop's windows. The Capitol celebrated Christmas, but with fancy dinner parties and playing dress up.

And there was no snow.

How on earth could a person celebrate Christmas without snow?

This, coming from a place that only started celebrating Christmas a few years ago. But that's so not the point.

We were welcomed home with clean white powder, the air fresh, crisp, and cold. With the new buildings and shops 12 didn't have the same smell it used to.

Or maybe because we were happier now so it didn't seem as bad.

Haymitch bid us goodnight and made his way to his place. We said goodnight as we made our way to ours.

"Home sweet home," I sighed, content.

"It's great to be back," agreed Katniss.

"I'll go looking for a Christmas tree tomorrow," I told her as we made our way upstairs, the suitcase still in my hand.

"There are a few decorations I need to pick up too."

"Might as well do the holiday shopping."

When we got to the room Katniss sighed and flopped on the bed.

"What's on your mind?" I asked her, sitting next to her.

"One year I'd like to invite everyone here for Christmas. Not this year. I think I've had enough of everybody. But one year. I think it'd be nice."

I smiled. "I'd love that."

True to my word I set off into the woods during lunch with a few men from town the next day. There were a couple of lots that sold trees but Katniss preferred the trees from the woods. Every year since the Districts started celebrating Christmas again Katniss and I had had a tree in our living room. This year I wanted a small one in our bedroom as well. And I got one for Haymitch. He'd probably grunt and grumble but secretly he'd be happy.

Four guys helped me with my trees while two guys made their way to Haymitch's, who I knew wasn't home. Sometimes during the day he went into town and had meetings—I presume with Paylor— along with a note explaining to Haymitch that Katniss and I would be by later to help decorate it. I could hear the geese as they guys started to disturb their peace.

I put the smaller tree up in our room, near the window, and placed the larger one downstairs. As I did I thought about the families that would be moving into Victor's Village soon, per our request to Paylor. It'd be nice to look out the window and see Christmas decorations and lights.

I had the guys drive me back to the bakery, all the while thinking of me and Katniss' first Christmas together, three years ago. It was pretty lonely, as people still hadn't really moved back to 12 yet. Haymitch, Katniss, and I spent the day unsure of what to do. It was only after watching a few Christmas movies that we realized we should have had a feast, decorated, and spent it with family and friends.

I had written Effie the next day for advice on how to celebrate Christmas, and she had sent me back several pages worth of ideas. We had come a long way since then. Now we had made our own traditions, and now that there were more people in 12 everybody got into the holiday spirit.

The school started putting on Christmas plays. It was a good way to bring the community together. Normally the week of Christmas there were different shows: one night a choir would sing, the next night the band would play, and the last night the students put on a play, normally A Christmas Carol or The Nutcracker.

Katniss and I made sure that we supported at least one of the events, if not all. Ideally we liked to show support, but with Christmas being so close to the anniversary of Prim's death, some days Katniss wouldn't even get out of bed. On days like that, she couldn't go and support.

I was hoping with the memorial service we'd be able to avoid that this time around, but only time would tell.

In the meantime, we'd decorate the tree and house.

I found Katniss waiting for me at the bakery when I got back. She was sitting on the stair, about a dozen shopping bags next to her.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting for long in the cold," I told her, bending down and kissing her. I meant to give her a little peck but she wrapped her arm around my neck and pulled me in for a deeper kiss. When we parted I looked at her, breathing heavily. "What's wrong?"

"I thought you'd be back by now. I've been waiting for an hour. I even went to Delly's hoping you'd be there." Her eyes were dark. "You scared me."

"I'm sorry." I sat down and cupped her cheeks in my hand. "I took longer than normal because I decided on a whim to get Haymitch a tree, too. Then we had to set the trees up. I had no idea you'd be waiting for me at the bakery."

"I didn't mean to panic. That's why I just sat on the steps. I knew you'd come back."

"I'll always come back," I told her, kissing her again. I helped her up and we made our way into the bakery. "What all did you get? I wasn't expecting so many bags."

"I randomly got into the spirit," she said with a sheepish grin. "I got a little of everything. I also got some things for the bakery. I was hoping we could decorate it together."

I stared at her, trying not to make too big a deal about this, because honestly Katniss was not the most romantic woman in the world. So instead of gaping in shock I smiled and said, "Sounds like a good idea."

We decorated in red and green and strung lights along the wall that named all the different breads in each District. I also painted snow angels and snowmen on the windows and stars on the door.

It wasn't much, but it was festive.

"Do you want me to wait for you to get home to start decorating?" asked Katniss.

"I'll just shut down the bakery early. No one's coming. It's getting too cold out."

The temperature was rapidly dropping. It'd been snowing on and off since November, but today had been one of the colder days, and it was only getting colder. Katniss and I bundled up in our jackets and I grabbed the bags as we made our way home, looking at the houses with their Christmas decorations.

There was definitely a hint of Christmas in the air, and I couldn't wait to get home and add our own decorations to the house.

We put a large Christmas wreath on the door with a tiffany blue and gold bow with white lights. We strung white lights in the window and garland with gold lights along the stairwell. We hung tiffany blue and white stockings in front of the fireplace with _Peeta, Katniss, Haymitch, and Effie_ painted in gold.

I told Katniss I wanted to run upstairs and shower before decorating the tree. I did shower, but I also wanted to put the finishing touches on our tree in the bedroom—the tree Katniss didn't know about. I had started decorating it earlier, which is another reason I had been so late to the bakery, but there were a few things I needed to finish.

The Christmas tree had colored lights and tiffany blue, gold, and white ornaments. A large Mockingjay topped the tree instead of an angel, since Katniss—the Mockingjay—was my angel. Pinecones, some painted metallic gold, also hung for decoration. My gifts were already wrapped and under the tree. Katniss would have to add hers later.

I turned the tree lights on, allowing the glow to light up the room, and then made my way to the shower. When I finished showering I dried off and threw on a pair of sweats and a tank top.

I walked downstairs and nearly stopped from shock when I heard Katniss singing.

She never sang.

I listened as she sang something about having a Merry little Christmas, and troubles being miles away, wondering where she'd heard such a beautiful song.

"You can come in now. I know you're eavesdropping," she called out. "I heard you coming down the stairs."

"I wasn't eavesdropping. I was listening," I told her with a smile.

I found her at the front door, struggling to reach up and tie a—

"Mistletoe?"

She blushed. "Can you help me put it up? I'm not tall enough to reach it."

I smirked at her and picked her up so that she could tie the mistletoe to the top of the door.

I started to walk away, saying I was going to start dinner, when she said, "Don't I get a kiss?"

I turned around to peck her on the lips when she snaked her arms around me and pulled me into an unfathomable kiss.

I guess dinner would have to wait.

When she parted her lips for me I slid my tongue into her mouth. When I felt her melt into me I picked her up, making my way to the bedroom.

Her hands were under my shirt, cold from the door being open, but I didn't mind the contact to my flesh, because she was making me hot, so hot.

When we got to the room her face was flushed, her eyes dark with desire. I opened the door and made to drop her on the bed when I felt her attention go elsewhere.

I caught her gaze and saw her eyeing the tree.

She slid down and walked up to it, her mouth open in awe.

"It's beautiful," she told me.

"It was supposed to be a surprise," I told her. "We'd never had one in our room before."

She fingered the trinkets and stared at the mockingjay on top.

Then she turned to me, slowly, and it's crazy, really, how well I claim to know her, but she can do things like this, like jump into my arms unexpectedly, and surprise the hell out of me.

We didn't even make it to the bed.

We made love right there, on the floor, next to the tree. She was frenzied at first, but I slowed things down, significantly so, because this was the first year we had a Christmas tree in our room, and it'd be the first time we made love underneath it.

She sighed in satisfaction when I entered her, and I slid in and out of her with ease. She was so wet, always wet for me, and I moaned when she came for the first time. I stared at her—I loved to watch her cum—and saw her hair fall around her, her chest heaving up and down.

I was unprepared for her to flip me over, but when she climbed on top of me she slithered down and buried her face in my neck. When I gripped her hips I pushed myself harder and deeper into her.

Her forehead rested on mine as her lips brushed my own. I could feel her breasts jiggling as she rode me, just like I could feel her breath tickling my nose.

She threw back her head and came again, but I wasn't finished with her yet, so I forced myself not to cum.

I pushed her off of me, still stroking, and forced her to sit up into my lap, her legs wrapped around my waist, her arms wrapped around my neck. She crossed her ankles as I wrapped my arms around her waist, pushing her in deeper.

"Shit," she groaned out, whimpering, begging, pleading. "More. Don't stop. Yes." She wasn't speaking in coherent sentences, but she was doing better than me, because I was speechless. I felt like if I made a sound I'd explode.

She came a third time and I couldn't help it: I moaned out her name, repeating it like a song, pounding, stroking, gasping.

Katniss called out my name and untangled her arms from around me, placing them on the floor and leaning back, thrusting up her hips to me to meet my own thrusts. She grunted with pleasure and I kept this up for as long as I could before I switched our positions, this time placing her legs on my shoulders and entering her.

It didn't take me long to cum after that, and she quickly followed.

Breathing heavily I sunk down to her, burying my face into her neck.

"Merry fucking Christmas," she whispered.

I grinned at her language. "Merry Christmas."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

After we got dressed again we made our way back downstairs and into the kitchen where I started on dinner.

"We should eat with Haymitch and go decorate his tree," Katniss suggested, and I nodded my agreement. While we waited for dinner to cook we decorated the big tree downstairs in the window. We kept the same color theme, but the decorations were a lot more extravagant on this tree; lots of gold, tiffany blue, brown, and silver. We also decorated it with pinecones, acorns, popcorn, and apples. This tree had a brown angel atop it, which we named Rue.

Afterwards we stepped back and admired our tree.

"It's perfect," said Katniss.

"Real," I responded.

Dinner was almost done when the phone rang. I answered it and had to blink back my surprise at the voice on the other end.

"Hey, Gale," I said. "Katniss just went upstairs to wash up for dinner. Can she call you back?"

"I… just tell her Merry Christmas for me, okay?"

I paused. This was the first time he'd called for Katniss, and I felt like it was important that I didn't turn into the messenger. "Give me your number and I'll have her call you back."

He gave me the number and a few minutes after we hung up Katniss made her way downstairs. I told her Gale had called and she went upstairs to call him back. She came down a few minutes later, a small smile on her face, and wrapped her arms around me.

When dinner was finished we made our way to Haymitch's. Without knocking on the door we made our way inside, but stopped dead in our tracks.

"Don't you people _knock_?" muttered Haymitch.

"We never had to before," Katniss said, turning red.

Haymitch finished buttoning his shirt, his eyes clear and amused, as Effie cleared her throat and fluffed up her hair. Thankfully she was fully clothed.

"If we had known Effie was here we'd have knocked," I told Haymitch apologetically.

"I came early," she said.

"That's an understatement," muttered Haymitch, causing Katniss to blush again. Effie shot him a look and he cleared his throat.

"I was going to come over tomorrow." She stood up, still embarrassed at nearly being caught in the act, and hugged us both.

"If you were going to come here so early why didn't you just ride back to 12 with us?" I asked her.

"I wasn't supposed to be here until the end of the week but Plutarch said I deserved an early vacation. I packed my bags and caught the next train. So… to what do we owe this surprise?"

"We thought we'd bring Haymitch dinner and force him to decorate his tree."

"But I see that's already done," said Katniss, noting the decorated tree and the unfinished bowls on the table.

"Aren't you two so sweet," Effie beamed. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm not," said Haymitch. "Leave us in peace."

I smirked. "I guess we'll see you tomorrow," I said.

I started to leave but Katniss was still standing there, clearly dumbfounded, staring at Haymitch and Effie as if she couldn't grasp the concept.

Snickering I grasped Katniss by the elbow and headed back to our place.

Merry Christmas indeed.

**Totally realized this could be a Christmas one-shot. I might repost it as such. I hope you all enjoyed this little Christmas chapter. You all take care.**

**Til next time,**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


	27. Chapter 27

**Here's another chapter, just for the heck of it!**

**I want to address something here: you're going to see a different Katniss than before. As you grow older, you're going to change. She calls Peeta her dandelion in the Spring. That means he's her brightness, her warmth. I love that Suzanne Collins chooses the season spring. It's when things are created anew. It's when things blossom. Like hope. With that said, I do think Katniss would have learned how to love Peeta. You won't keep seeing brooding, sarcastic Katniss. Eventually she had to let him in, otherwise I don't think he'd have ever convinced her to have kids. Katniss couldn't have stayed selfish all those years. The Epilogue didn't say he forced her to have kids. It said it took him 15 years to CONVINCE her to do so. So when you see Katniss being softer, gentler, more accepting, understand that Katniss has grown up. Just thought I'd note that. I want to stay true to the characters with trying to show how far they've come.**

**Hope that makes sense!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

As time passed Katniss and I kept growing closer to each other. We still had our own demons to fight. I, of course, still had flashbacks, but after nine years, I hardly needed sessions with Dr. Aurelius. Sometimes my flashbacks were still brutal, and sometimes they forced a wall between Katniss and I, but she'd learned to be a lot more patient and not take my distance as personally as she used to. Because of that, she would give me space, and it'd make me come back around a lot quicker.

She still had her nightmares, and there were still days she could hardly get out of bed. She would refuse to eat on those days, but I had learned to let her be. She didn't like to be smothered or pestered, so I would go off to the bakery, asking Haymitch to check in on her every now and then.

People lived in Victor's Village now, with the exception of Katniss' house, as President Paylor had stayed true to her word. The New Year after the five-year anniversary several families came in on the train, all from different backgrounds. Having been lightly screened before being allowed to live there, they turned out to be nice enough neighbors.

District 12 was doing better than ever. We still didn't have a mayor. There were rumors swirling around that Paylor had asked Haymitch, but he had declined. I had two bakeries, as the original one was quickly outgrown. A hospital had been built, which I think affected Katniss more than she ever let on. For one, I think a small part of her hoped that with the new hospital Mrs. Everdeen would move back. Secondly I always suspected she imagined Prim working there. Besides that, Katniss' class went from one class to half a day, four classes back-to-back-to-back-to-back. She still hunted in the mornings, though, because some things never change.

The memorial was a couple years away from being done, and the amount of changes that it brought to the District was numerous. Aside from bringing more construction it brought more jobs and businesses. When they first arrived, a few years ago, it opened a lot of new wounds, and brought in constant reporters, but Haymitch, God bless him, forced back all reporters, along with his geese.

There were grocery stores here now, and people tended to have their own private gardens in their backyards, planted with the ashes from the old coalmines.

We found out that with arrival of the construction workers the no camera ban was lifted. It had to be, because there were reporters who had to cover the story. Plutarch and Paylor called us and warned us, but said there was nothing else they could do about it, except increase our security and protection.

We declined, not wanting to be a bother to anyone, and after a few months of refusing to talk to reporters, they left us alone. Our neighbors were incredible, respecting us enough to not give them any kind of news on us. We dealt with having a camera thrust in our faces, gritting our teeth until it finally died down. They still took pictures of me as I walked to the bakery, or while Katniss walked to school, but they didn't dare bother Katniss while she was hunting.

They weren't that crazy.

Katniss and I still weren't married, nor did we have children, and I had all but given up on that. I had asked her a few times to get married over the past four years but she always declined, saying we were already married. The world thought so, and so did she.

I'd asked about kids a few times, as well, mostly after we visited Annie and Finn, or they came to visit to us, but she dismissed those with a simple scowl. After a while I stopped asking, though a small part of me still hoped we'd at least get married. The way she said no about getting married varied greatly compared to how she said no about having children.

One day I'm just going to burn bread and make her eat it, I swear.

In the meantime, we make do.

One day, at the beginning of the New Year, a month after the eight-year anniversary, Katniss came up to the bakery.

It was nearly closing time for me, but at her arrival I forgot about anything and everything, like I would have done if I had been busy. There were still a couple of customers in the store, but I didn't care, so when I approached her I planted a lingering kiss on her lips.

I don't think I'd ever tire of missing her when she wasn't in my presence, because one of the best feelings was reuniting with her.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?" I asked her.

"I was thinking…" started Katniss.

"Uh oh," I said with a smile.

She rolled her eyes. "Remember the room we have at the post office, with all of our fan mail?" I nodded, surprised. "Maybe… maybe we should go and see it and look at some of the letters."

"What brought this on?" I asker her, because aside from that one time Haymitch had mentioned it, we hadn't talked about it since. The letters we were meant to get—letters from Mrs. Everdeen, Annie, Johanna, Gale, and Effie—came to us.

Katniss shrugged. "I've just been thinking about it lately. I wouldn't mind seeing what some people had to say."

"Okay," I said. "If you want to."

"You don't?" This time I shrugged. "Can we go when you close?"

"Sure, but won't they be closed too?"

Katniss shook her head. "I called ahead. The manager's going to stay to give us the key before locking up."

Katniss made her way to my back office, knowing if she stayed in the actual store she'd be nothing more than a distraction.

After another hour I locked up the shop and we made our way to the post office, arm in arm.

This winter had been harsh, and it was quite difficult to walk in the snow with my leg, but I didn't mind. I hardly minded anything when I was with Katniss. We passed the other shops, also closing, Christmas lights still glittering in the window, even though New Years had passed a few days ago. I saw a very pregnant Delly in the window of the shoe shop and Katniss and I waved.

"Delly's gonna pop any minute now," I said, making conversation.

"I can tell. She's huge."

"Please don't ever say that when she comes around."

"How's her husband holding up?"

"As well as he can, I suppose. It's their first child, so naturally he's freaking out. He hardly lets Delly do anything. I'm surprised she's still working at the shop. If you ever had my child from the minute I find out you wouldn't lift a finger."

"Right, and the bakery would just run itself," Katniss said with a smile.

The fact that she didn't scoff and say, "You know I'm not having kids, Peeta," made me trip in shock.

"You okay?" asked Katniss.

"Slippery," was my response, my heart hammering, because it was the most different response I'd ever gotten from her in regards to children.

I tried not to put much into it. I refused to, in fact. I would not, not, not get my hopes up.

Instead we made our way to the post office and I tried to act as normal as possible.

We thanked the manager for waiting for us as he handed us the key and made his way home. We followed the direction he pointed us in and made our way to the mailroom.

We walked inside and stopped and stared. There were several mini mailboxes inside the large room. Each one had its own individual key stuck inside of them.

"Wow," I said, taking it all in.

"Where the hell do we start?" asked Katniss.

Two mailbox caught my eye: #74 and #75, mainly because both of those boxes had a mockingjay symbol etched into them.

"How about there?" I pointed to the two mailboxes and Katniss slowly made her way towards them. I followed suit. She held out her hand and turned the key to #74 and opened it.

It was empty. There was but one slip of paper inside that had writing on it. Listed on it was _Mrs. Everdeen, Effie, Annie_. In a different scribe the names _Johanna, Gale_ had been added.

"This must be where Haymitch picks up our mail," Katniss noticed.

I brushed my finger against the mockinjay symbol etched in #75. I turned that key and opened the mailbox up. There was a key and a button inside.

"What the hell?" I whispered.

I looked at Katniss. She looked just as confused as I felt. I knew we weren't in any danger because I remembered being told that all our mail was checked before it got here. Shrugging I pushed the button.

Suddenly Cinna was before us, in the center of the room, on a holographic display.

Katniss tensed as his face stared back at us. He looked like he always did, his eyelids gold, a small smile on his face.

"Hello, Girl on Fire," he said with warmth. "If you're watching this it means I lost my life in the Rebellion, but you have saved lives as the Mockingjay. It also means you did not take the nightlock pill in your suit, which I assumed would not have been your doing. I also know that if you're watching this, Peeta, is alive, so thank you, Peeta. I know it was you who probably ripped that nightlock from Katniss." His eyes twinkled as he smile. "I made this video for you in hopes that you wouldn't mourn for me. I'm sorry I never told you about my alliance with Haymitch and the Rebellion. I never wanted you to feel pressured to be the Mockingjay. I knew it had to be a decision that came from your heart." I heard Katniss take in a sharp breath and grabbed her hand as Cinna continued. "This video is my last goodbye. Though I am no longer here, I do still live on, in my fashion. This key will lead you to several designs I made for you. I'm sure you know by now that I had an entire Mockingjay line. The items here in 12 are just a few of my many designs I had made for you. The rest are with Effie, in the Capitol, where she promised me that she would not tell you about them unless you asked. There's a wedding dress, a real one, that I think will be perfect for your wedding. I know you think you won't marry Peeta, but I know you love him, and it is my hope that by the time you see this, you'll have made up your mind about him. Because of that, there is a dress for you. Consider it my gift. Of course Portia and I have Peeta's designs here as well, along with a tuxedo for the wedding. I know you guys will find this before you were married because Effie and Haymitch know to tell you about this video if you guys ever become engaged before you find it on your own.

"I'm always betting on you, Girl on Fire. Take care. This is, for now, goodbye." He pressed three fingers to his lips and then raised his hand, whistling the four-tune song that changed everything.

And then the screen went black.

I looked at Katniss. She wasn't crying, but she was pale. "You okay?" I asked softly.

She nodded, clearing her throat. She turned to the mailbox and grabbed the key. "I wonder where the storage room is."

"Behind the building." We both jumped at the sound of Haymitch's voice.

"How'd you know we were here?" I asked.

He smiled. "I have my sources." He walked into the room at the place Cinna's face just left. "I remember when he made that video," said Haymitch sadly. "I didn't want to record it. I knew we all couldn't make it out the war, and I knew the danger he put himself in making your dress, but… his death was hard. I'll never forget the day he came to me and asked if I'd record a message for you in case he didn't make it."

"You had it all this time?" asked Katniss.

Haymitch shook his head. "I gave it to Effie, because I thought she'd be the safest out of everybody. I figured if anyone made it, it'd be her. I gave it to her the night I left. Told her to promise to give it to you if I couldn't."

"What'd she say to that?" I asked.

"To stay alive and give it to you myself." He looked at us and his eyes were unusually bright. "You wanna see the room?"

I looked at Katniss and she nodded.

He motioned for us to follow him, and we did, locking up the mailroom behind us. We made our way back outside into the cold and behind the building. Taking the key Katniss unlocked the door to the storage room.

We gaped at the huge room, full of clothes: dresses, long and short; jackets, summer and winter; shirts, long and short sleeved. There were also suits, tons of suits, some casual, some formal. Katniss and I made our way around the room, touching things, fingering things, caressing things.

I heard Katniss crying and went over to comfort her.

"I don't want these things in here," she cried. "Can we take them home? We can put them in the room where we keep the book, and all the videos of the Games."

"Of course," I said, pulling her close. A few years ago we had gone through and cleaned out the house, just some spring-cleaning, and we had found several of the Games we had used to help make the book. Instead of throwing them away we decided to make a room that would house all the information of the Games. I had painted the room, including people like Finnick, Boggs, Chaff, Seeder, and Thresh.

"Can you arrange it Haymitch?" asked Katniss.

"Of course, sweetheart. I can get somebody here tomorrow." She nodded her thank you and took shaky steps towards the door. When she was outside Haymitch spoke to me directly. "Out of all the got damn mailboxes to choose, you two go for the one that hit you right in the jugular."

"They had the mockingjay emblem on them," I said, defending us. He shook his head.

"You couldn't just start at #1?"

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

After that we had Haymitch bring us fan mail along with our normal letters from Mrs. Everdeen, Annie, Effie, Gale, and Johanna. We wrote back to some of the people, but it wasn't necessarily a bed of roses. Some of the letters did the same thing the book did: reminded us of the Games as well as healed us.

One day, at the beginning of February, we were sitting at the table during breakfast, going through the letters, when Katniss made a straining noise. I looked up and saw the pained look on Katniss' face. Standing up I made my way to her side of the table. She let out a sob before I could get there so I quickened my pace.

"Katniss, what is it?"

She was shaking when she handed me the letter, and then ran out the room, crying.

It was a letter dated several years ago, a few weeks after we had broadcasted my bakery. I could understand why the letter was dated then.

She'd seen the picture of Rue in my office.

Rue's mother.

I dropped the letter and ran upstairs to Katniss, who was sitting on the bed, her knees drawn up to her chest, her eyes vacant.

I knew that look.

I grabbed a chair from a desk we had added to our room a couple years ago. I sat in front of Katniss, reaching out and grabbing her hand.

"Your name is Katniss Everdeen. You're twenty-five years old. You'll be twenty-six in a couple of months. You love to hunt. Your favorite bread is cheese bread. I'm Peeta Mellark, and we're in love."

Katniss has grown to love her lists. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. She can go far off, into another world. I thought my flashbacks were bad, but when we start to list things, I can normally come back. The longest it's ever taken me was in the Capitol at the five-year anniversary. But reaching Katniss sometimes never worked. I knew in an hour if she'd come around or not.

Today was one of those days she wouldn't come around.

I kissed her gently on the forehead, trying not to cringe as she didn't move an inch, and made my way downstairs. I grabbed my coat, shrugging it on, and made my way to Haymitch's. I saw one of his geese outside the fence and shook my head. He never controlled those animals.

"I know you're getting ready for Effie's visit for Valentine's Day," I said, "but Katniss is having an episode. I'm gonna head to the bakery. Can you check in on her?"

"Of course," said Haymitch. "And I'm not celebrating Valentines Day," scowled Haymitch. "And even if I was, it's still like a week and a half away. Why would I be getting ready so early?"

"Because it's Effie, and you're going to want everything to be perfect."

"I don't celebrate Valentine's Day," he said stubbornly. "And Effie's visiting _me_. I don't _have_ to clean up for her."

I snickered. "Right." The man kept his house in decent shape now but when Effie came he went all out.

Valentine's Day had been reinstated a few years ago. It wasn't like Christmas, where even Haymitch couldn't be a Grinch, no matter how hard he tried. Valentine's Day was met with the same attitude I imagined it was met with back when it was popular: a day for boyfriends and husbands to spoil their girlfriends and wives under the pretenses that both parties involved were celebrated and appreciated. I thoroughly enjoyed it, as I never needed a reason to express my love for Katniss. People like Katniss and Haymitch, though, had a hard time with it, because they found it difficult to express themselves.

It was always amusing to me.

I called the school and told them Katniss wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be able to teach her class today. Then I worked at the bakery for a few hours. I didn't really need to be there fulltime anymore. With the second addition I was fully staffed, and it was a great way for other people to make money in the District. I only baked when somebody specifically requested me, which was more often than not. I oftentimes came in to make sure things were running smoothly.

I spent most of my time putting the finishing touches on the memorial. Ever since they had gotten here we had had meeting after meeting about the design of the memorial. Some days, though, like today, I needed a break.

I needed to do something that I didn't have to think about. Baking came easily. It was second nature. I didn't need to concentrate.

I'd never be able to concentrate on building a memorial while wondering about Katniss.


	28. Chapter 28

_To our Mockingjay,_

_I wanted to hate you, because you won, and our beloved Rue didn't. But you didn't kill our Rue, and in knowing you, watching you, and hearing you speak, I don't think you'd have ever killed her. You protected her, and killed the one responsible for taking our Rue away._

_I feel like I, along with the people of 11, owe you and Peeta everything. Because of your wishes to have some of your Winnings sent to our District, a request that Paylor has honored, we are no longer starving._

_I'm not expecting a reply back. I just wanted to let you know that I saw the mural Peeta drew in his bakery, the one with Rue painted on the wall, and it let me know that you two cared, you really cared for her. I can't even begin to express into words how that made my family and I feel._

_I did want to, at the very least, thank you for honoring her._

_I have another daughter now. She was conceived in a war, but because of you, she will never have to experience a Game._

_We named her Jay Mellark. She is the first person not named after a plant. Jay, of course, is short for MockingJay, and Mellark for Peeta, who was just as instrumental as you are. We call her Mellie for short. You should see her. She's a little miniature Rue. Sometimes I cry because she looks just like Rue, but then I smile, because I know that she's named from you, and that she is brave and fierce._

_I hope you don't mind me using your name for her. I just thought it was fitting. I'm sure there will be millions of little Katniss and Peeta's running around. All of the Districts honor, love, and respect you two. I wouldn't be surprised if there were a few Haymitch's coming as well._

_I'm glad to see you and Peeta are doing well in 12._

_I pray you continue to take care._

_Thresh's family sends their love._

_Take care._

_Much love and respect,_

_-Sage_

I finished rereading the letter and smoothed out its creases as best as I could. I had bought a frame for the letter after I had left the bakery. I placed the letter and the frame in the same room that now held as many as Cinna's designs as the room could fit.

I checked in on Katniss. She was lying down in bed and hardly acknowledged my presence. Haymitch said she hadn't said a word in the few hours I had been gone.

I watched TV until I felt my eyes grow heavy, wrapping my arms around Katniss, listening to her even breathing.

It was early, probably about two in the morning, when an incredible sensation woke me up. I wasn't sleeping heavily. I never did while Katniss was like this, but nonetheless I'd been woken up to a strange feeling. It took me about fifteen seconds to realize the sensation was pleasure. Katniss was going down on me, and she had definitely perfected her technique in the last few years.

I groaned and relaxed and refused to move until she slithered up my body. When her lips found mine I was ready for her. The kiss wasn't hot like they usually were, but languid, and filled with love.

I understood her, her needs, her body, so when I entered her, I took my time, letting her set the pace. She got like this sometimes. Sometimes she just needed to be comforted. In eight years of making love we had not grown tired or bored with each other. It didn't matter how we did it, it was always pleasurable.

When she whimpered softly, and then came, she sighed out her orgasm, her body relaxing against mine after I peaked.

"Welcome back," I told her with a small smile, repeating the same phrase she normally told me after a flashback.

"I'm sorry," whispered Katniss.

"Don't be."

I lied on my back and she cuddled into me, her face nuzzled in my side. I automatically wrapped my arm around her and let sleep take me again.

The next morning we made our way back to town and decided that we were going to go through every piece of mail in case there were more letters from Sage. As it was an all day event I once again called the school to let them know Katniss wouldn't be there again.

We found one more letter from Sage.

It was dated before the five-year anniversary, and how she wished that she could have made it, but her oldest son was sick, so she couldn't go. She thanked us for suggesting that the other Districts got memorials dedicated to their dead. _I know it was your idea. Though President Paylor is ten times the leader that Snow was, I know she didn't come up with that idea on her own. When she called me—and the fact that she did call me was touching in itself—and told me what the Capitol was going to do, she mentioned that it had been your idea._

Katniss and I decided that we'd wait until tomorrow morning to write back.

"Tell her we'll be there," I told Katniss and she started to write, her beautiful penmanship reflecting her sadness and love for Rue. "Tell her we'll be in 11 for Rue's memorial." She looked at me, her eyes wide, and nodded.

"Do you think she'll want to come to the ten-year anniversary?" asked Katniss. "If so, maybe she can stay in my old house, along with my mother, Annie, and Johanna."

"Invite her," I said.

When she was finished writing I stood over her shoulder and read what she had just written,

_Sage,_

_First of all I'd like to apologize on me and Peeta's behalf. For the longest time we didn't know we had mail. I hope you haven't spent the last eight years thinking we've been ignoring you._

_Secondly, I still think of Rue, almost as much as I think of Prim. I still see her, in everything that is beautiful: when the sun shines gold, when the leaves change colors, when the snow falls on the ground. She is always with me._

_Your letters touched me like nothing else has. I am so happy to know that you have had another child. I think Jay Mellark, or Mellie, is a beautiful name. I hope you give her a chance to make a name for herself as opposed to living up to Peeta and I._

_You do not have to thank me for suggesting a memorial be built in 11. If the Capitol wanted to do one here in 12, they should do it everywhere. I did suggest 11, but it was President Paylor who suggested all the Districts._

_I hope to see you in 11 during the eleventh anniversary. Peeta and I will be in attendance. _

_I'm sorry you couldn't make it to the fifth year anniversary. It would have been great to see you, despite the circumstances._

_Peeta and I would like to extend an invitation to the ten-year anniversary. It is taking place in 12 and we'd love it if you came, as our special guests of honor. Your presence would mean everything to us._

_Looking forward to your next letter._

_I hope the rest of the family is doing well._

_Sincerely,_

_Katniss and Peeta_

Afterwards we wrote our responses to Effie and Annie while I wrote to Johanna and Katniss wrote to Gale.

Like always, I finished my letter to Johanna with _Katniss sends her love_ while Katniss finished her letter to Gale with _Peeta says hello_.

We went our separate ways after that, me to the post office, the bakery, and then to the memorial construction site, while Katniss headed to the woods to hunt and her class.

At the bakery I checked in on things, and then made my way to Delly's. I always went by to visit Dill at least three times a week. Dill was an exact replica of his mother, plump with yellowish hair, though he had inherited his father's dimples and smile.

Maybe I'm somewhat of a masochist, because I loved being around Dill, but it also brought out this dull ache inside of me as I thought about children. He was the closest thing I'd ever have to a son, though I was more like an uncle, like I was for Finn. Delly had named Katniss and I God-parents, and I'd happily accepted, as it gave me a chance to spoil the boy rotten.

I had kept my secret infatuation with Dill from Katniss, because I knew she already felt guilty enough, for a few months, until a camera caught me playing outside with Dill. Then my secret was up. Delly had freaked out about her lack of privacy, so most of the time we'd invite Delly, her husband, and Dill over to our place instead. Sometimes, though, I'd see a look cross over Katniss' face, a look of longing. Before it could last, though, it would disappear, and she'd make up excuses as to why Delly and Dill couldn't visit for another couple of months.

After a while I started to convince myself I'd just imagined it.

I just wish she could see how incredible she'd be as a mother. She'd proven it before, with Prim and Rue, but then again, it was because of Prim and Rue that she didn't want children. She'd never see how she loved them. She'd just remember how she lost them in the end, and couldn't save them.

She couldn't risk losing anyone else.

And somewhere, down deep, I understood that. I didn't necessarily agree, but I understood it, and therefore, had to respect it.

After playing with Dill I made my way to the memorial site, which was a few blocks from town. It was being built at the entrance of 12, as a way for all those who entered our District to see the fallen victims.

I had drawn several hundred sketches the first year, after asking Haymitch about his mother, brother, and Nova. It was hard for him, and I don't think I've ever seen him more vulnerable. He had a brief relapse with alcohol, but after one visit from Effie he pulled it together.

I allowed Katniss, Haymitch, Mrs. Everdeen, Delly, and myself to pick the one that we liked the most. After the top five was selected I sent the drawings to the Capitol and Paylor, Effie, and Plutarch had to make the final, unanimous decision. They did not get to know who picked which picture. I had them all numbered. Surprisingly they picked Haymitch's, and as the memorial started to be built, I knew it was the right decision.

I was surprised that we had stayed on schedule. We knew we had to be done by the ten-year anniversary, but we had had some harsh winters the past few years, and the people from the Capitol and District 1 had no idea how to behave in snow. We got behind until Paylor bought in more men, and now we were ahead of schedule. The anniversary was two years away but we might be done in a year and a half.

I worked on the site for several hours, not leaving until the sun started to set. It felt weird, being in charge of something I knew so little about, but most of the men who were working not only listened to my opinion, they respected it.

Nobody was allowed to see the memorial, though Capitol officials came every month to check on its progress. President Paylor herself was supposed to come down a year before it was done, just to make sure it was what she was expecting.

I had no idea at the time, but I'd have other plans that'd end up being more important than even the memorial.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

A few days later Katniss was home, sitting in the kitchen, at the table when I got home from the site. I kissed her lightly on the mouth and started washing up for dinner. It took me e a good five minutes to notice something was off.

"What's wrong?" I asked Katniss, looking at her with concern.

"Look," she said softly, and for the first time I noticed something clutched in her hand.

I walked up to the table and saw what she had in her hand.

"Where did you get this?" I asked, grabbing the gold medallion.

The original one.

The one I'd given her in the Quarter Quell.

I knew it was the old one because I wore the new one she had given me in the Capitol around my neck. Sometimes I felt like it was the closest thing I'd ever get to a wedding ring.

"I found it in one of the pockets of my Mockingjay suit, along with my black mockingjay pin."

I fingered the locket and then opened it, but was shocked to see the picture of Gale was no longer there.

"Where's the picture of Gale?"

Katniss shrugged. "I removed it sometime while I was in 13 after Gale and I had drifted apart. I didn't even keep up with the medallion. All I cared about was the pearl. I have no idea how it got in my suit."

Katniss reached for the medallion and caressed the picture of Prim.

"I still miss her," she whispered.

I walked around the table and lowered myself to her. "Of course you do, Katniss. As you should."

She didn't look at me. Instead she stood up and made her way to the door.

"Katniss?"

She didn't answer. She just walked outside, into the cold February night, without a jacket. I followed, grabbing both of our jackets, closing the door behind us.

She didn't go far. She just went to her old house and sat in the middle of where the primroses were planted. They would be blooming soon, but for now, the flowers were dead.

She'd never done this before so I cautiously approached her, wrapping her jacket around her shoulders. I sat down next to her.

"Do you want to plant primroses outside our house?" I asked her softly.

She didn't answer. When I looked at her I noticed the blank look that made my stomach drop every time I saw it.

We stayed out there for about an hour, Katniss looking down at the ground, her hands gripping the dirt and letting it fall between the cracks of her hands. A few latecomers from work walked into Victor's Village but we ignored them, and they gave us our space.

Most of them knew that this was Katniss' old house, and that primroses bloomed here.

I was glad the cameras stayed away. They were not allowed to pass the entry gates. Haymitch had made sure of that.

"Come on, Katniss," I told her gently, standing. "We need to go inside." I helped her up when she didn't answer. She just walked next to me.

Once inside she headed upstairs. It took everything in me not to follow her. For the first time I appreciated how hard it was for her to leave me during a flashback. I wanted to go upstairs, but instead I made my way to the kitchen to start on a dinner I knew I'd eat alone.

When she didn't come down after I'd finished dinner and the dishes I made my way upstairs.

I was alarmed when I saw she wasn't on the bed.

When I saw the bathroom light on a vision of Katniss in the bathtub, her wrists slit, flashed into my mind.

I panicked when I burst into the bathroom, but sighed with relief when I saw Katniss, alive, staring blankly ahead.

"Jesus how long have you been in here?" I crossed over to her, reaching in and picking her up out of the tub. She stood there as I dried her off. I went into the bedroom and grabbed a shirt and pulled it over her head.

I guided her to the bed, pulling back the covers and helping her climb in. When she was tucked in I kissed her forehead.

After emptying out the bathwater I took a shower, attempting to get my emotions under control. I knew what'd happen if I thought too hard about it: I'd have my own flashback, and then what good would that do Katniss?

When I was finished I climbed into bed and wrapped my arms around Katniss.

She didn't even move.

The next morning when I got up to head to the bakery Katniss turned to me, her eyes clear.

"Did you sleep?" she asked me.

I hesitated and then shook my head. "No."

"You never sleep when I get like that. Why not?"

I sighed and stood up, not able to look at her.

"Peeta?"

"Because I'm scared," I told her, still not meeting her eye. "When you get like that I have to watch you, make sure your chest is rising and falling, because when you get like that, you're so still that you look dead. It scares me, all right?" I looked at her then, and her eyes were filled with tears.

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," I told her gently. "I know you don't do it on purpose." I walked around the bed and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Go back to sleep. I'll see you when I get home."

She gripped my wrist before I could leave. "I do."

"Do what?" I asked, confused.

"Wanna plant primroses here. Like you did at my house. But I wanna add dandelions too, okay? Primroses and dandelions in the front yard."

"Okay," I said, squeezing her hand, understanding her.

She gave my hand a final squeeze and then I left, making my way to the bakery.

**Happy New Year's Eve! I figured I should post early in case I became too Haymitch-like tonight and was still hung over tomorrow LOL (PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!) I'd really appreciate it if all my Followers, Reviewers, Fans made it back to see the end of this story LOL.**

**I hope you guys have a great New Years and a SAFE NYE.**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

**PS: Also, FYI, the events that happen in the next chapter will lead up to Katniss FINALLY wanting to get married. You know it always takes her nearly losing someone to realize how much they mean to her.**

**Can't wait til you read it!**


	29. Chapter 29

**Definitely got my Haymitch on last night, but I wasn't hungover. So since it's technically Thursday, here's the REAL chapter I'm supposed to post, ON Thursday.**

**Happy New Years everyone!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

When Katniss entered the bakery a few hours later, the bakery was without customers and I had sent the staff home early.

I was also with another woman.

At the time, in my mind, it was innocent. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw Katniss, and the fact that I was currently kneading dough, showing another woman exactly how to press her fingers into the dough, standing next to the same woman who would be perceived as beautiful never crossed my mind. How it would look to Katniss never entered my mind. She hardly ever came here now because I spent the majority of my time at the memorial site, especially unannounced like this. This was "my domain," she liked to call it, just like the woods were hers.

She knew what her being here would do me.

I don't think my smile was fully developed before I saw the scowl, the _betrayal_ in her eyes, and then her braid was swinging behind her and the door was slamming shut.

It took all of two seconds for me to realize why she was angry.

She was quick in her anger to get away from me, but she'd spent the better part of ten years running from me, and I'd still gotten her. Naturally, catching up to her was easy.

I gently grabbed her by her elbow to turn her around but she snatched away from me.

"Don't touch me," she hissed, but I silenced her with a kiss. I didn't stop kissing her until I felt her relax against me, then melt into me.

I backed away to stare at her. "I think it's adorable that you're jealous." She scowled at me but I just grinned. "It honestly wasn't what it looked like."

"You were teaching her how to bake," she said accusingly.

"Is that a crime now?"

"Yes. When it's a woman, a beautiful woman at that, standing mere inches away from you, and you're holding hands."

"We were not holding hands," I said, still amused. "We were kneading dough. And you must have been blind with rage not to see the huge wedding ring on her finger."

Katniss was momentarily stunned into silence.

"She's married?" Katniss asked softly.

"Yes, but even if she wasn't, do you really think I'd cheat on you? Like… ever?"

"She's beautiful." And she was, if you could look at any other woman other than Katniss, but as I couldn't, I didn't really notice the bright red hair and dark brown eyes the color of ground coffee beans. She was tall and carried the air of a woman who was used to getting what she wanted.

But she paled in comparison to my Katniss.

"What's that gotta do with anything?"

"The fact is there was a woman in your bakery, that you were laughing with, that you seem _comfortable_ with, and I have no idea who she is. You hid her from me."

I stepped away from her. "That's true. But it's not in the way you think," I said quickly, as I saw Katniss start to blanch. "That's Avila Abbot. She's from District 3. She wrote to me about a month and a half ago. She…" I took a deep breath. "She wants to run her own bakery. The bakeries out there… well it's men driven, like most jobs are. They don't want her running her own shop. She's the grand daughter of a former Victor and has married well, some guy from the Capitol, and he's loaded, so she's got the money to start her own bakery. Only she doesn't actually want her own bakery. She just wants to run one. So she wants to franchise mine. She has a passion for bread, and out of everybody she could have gone to, out of all the Districts she could have chosen, she chose my bakery."

I watched as the news sunk in. She looked thrilled, then confused, then hurt. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You ever not wanted to ruin a good thing? It took me, what, months to tell Haymitch about us, even though he knew, or suspected. I just wanted to keep you all to myself, just in case it was all just some wonderful dream. That's kind of how this thing was. I didn't want to say anything to anyone—_anyone_—until it was a done deal. We're working out the contract now. I'd have told you by the end of the week."

"Wow," she breathed. "That's great."

"I wanted the money to come back to the District. She was more than happy to oblige. It's just… the recipes. She genuinely doesn't want to have to worry about all that. I never thought about giving them to an outsider before. I always thought they'd be passed down…." I let my voice trail off as it finally hit me: Katniss never wanted children, and nothing else had ever really made me realize it until this.

"You don't have to give her every single family recipe," Katniss told me. "Some things you should keep to yourself."

I smiled at her. "That sounds like a pretty good compromise."

"I guess I should go home."

"Why'd you come in the first place?"

For the fist time I noticed the picnic basket. "I thought we'd have lunch. It's almost Valentine's Day, right? In a couple of weeks?" I stood there, dumbfounded. It was so utterly un-Katniss. "I missed you." She turned scarlet at the words, but I was touched beyond reason.

"I can tell Avila to go. She wouldn't mind."

Katniss shook her head. "It's okay. Close your deal. But this better be the only time I find another woman in your bakery, behind your counter, learning how to bake."

Oddly enough, it was always her jealousy that made me realize that she really did love me.

I smiled as I watched her head back to Victor's Village.

That night, we had sex—amazing sex that I suspected she made incredible to remind me that she was the Girl on Fire—as if I'd ever forget. It was almost like she was challenging me to ever think of anyone else. As if I ever could. I think on the surface she knew it was only her. That it'd always be only her. But I think she was reminding herself just as much as me.

When we were finished, I was left winded, and realized for the first time I wasn't as young as I used to be. Since when was twenty-five old?

She had just slithered off of me, our breath still short, when she said, "Peeta I think we should get married."

I was silent for a few moments, maybe the haze of sex still filling my brain, until what she said really sank in. Then I sat up, my heart hammering. "_What_?"

"I think we should get married," she repeated, sitting up as well.

"Since when? Every time I've asked you tell me you're content."

"Well," she said, clearly nervous, "I changed my mind."

I stared at her, completely stunned. "Why?"

"You don't want to anymore?" She looked hurt, and guilty, like if I didn't want to anymore, she knew it was because she had turned me down so many times.

"What? Well of _course_ I want to, Katniss, but only, _only_ if you really want to too. I'm not about to go through another fake engagement."

"I really want to, Peeta. President Snow isn't here anymore. He's not forcing me to do this. There are no cameras. This is me saying I want to get married."

I was dumbfounded.

"I just think… if we're going to have a baby, we should be married."

And just went I thought the conversation couldn't get any crazier.

My jaw hit the floor.

"You… you wanna have a baby?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I think I do. I'm still not sure. Sometimes, not often, I think about having _your_ baby. And then every other day I think I'm crazy."

I was silent for a long, long, time, letting this conversation seep in. When I spoke, I spoke with conviction. "I get it: I'm dreaming."

"No you're not," Katniss snapped out. "This is real, Peeta," she added a little more gently.

Another pause. "I get to marry you, and have a child with you?"

Katniss smiled softly. "Real."

I'm not sure there were words that had ever sounded sweeter. When I asked her if she loved me, after the first time we'd made love, after that hunger had finally returned for the both of us, and she responded with 'Real,' I didn't think I could ever be happier.

And then this moment happened.

"When do you want to get married?"

Katniss shrugged. "Whenever you propose, I suppose."

"Why?" I finally asked again, quietly.

She shrugged. "Because I love you, and I no longer think you're going anywhere. And I'm not saying I want to have kids. But the fact that I've thought about it more in the past few years than I have in my entire life means something."

It took Katniss years, _years_ to understand me, to learn me, to know me, and finally to love me. I remembered the ways she misjudged me, from admitting I had had a crush on her to me stating I didn't want to be a piece in the Capitol's Games, even down to joining the Careers or raising her bow at me because she was naïve enough to think I'd actually kill her.

There had only been a handful of times Katniss had surprised me over the years: telling me she didn't love me, that it had all been an act, making love to me for the first time, giving me my medallion, and anytime she was romantic.

This moment made me feel as if the tables were turning: suddenly Katniss knew everything about me, but I knew nothing. I had no idea who this woman was, or what she would do or say next.

I stared at her for several moments, so in awe, and in love with the woman sitting next to me. When I leaned over and kissed her she kissed me back with such passion and love that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she wanted this too.

I thought back to President Paylor's words, about me being able to convince Katniss to do anything, and realized that maybe Paylor had been on to something.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I was afraid that if I fell asleep I'd wake up and realize that entire conversation had been a dream, so I stayed up for a long time after Katniss had fallen asleep.

The next morning she turned to me with a smile.

"You're still here," she said.

"Well, I live here," I replied.

She rolled her eyes. "No bakery or the memorial?"

"Actually I should check on the other bakery today." That's what we called my second bakery—literally. The first bakery was just the bakery and the new one was the other bakery. "But before I go… was last night real?"

Katniss reached out and ruffled my hair. "Was what real?"

"You wanting us to get married and have kids?" I couldn't keep the desperation out of my voice.

She hesitated for a second as my heart stopped. "Let's calm down on the kid talk. I'm still not sold on it. But getting married? Real."

One out of two wasn't bad.

We got up and showered after that and then went our separate ways for the day. While Katniss made her way to the woods I headed upstairs to make a couple of phone calls.

"Hello, Mrs. Everdeen. How are you?" I paused as she told me that she was fine. "That's good. Listen… I'm calling to ask for Katniss' hand in marriage."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I made my way to the other bakery and checked on its status. It was running smoothly, but the minute I got there customers started asking me to make certain items. I knew I had to get to the memorial site, but I still made a batch of bread for the customers, on the house, and for the guys at the construction site.

The guys seemed happy to be able to take a break from the memorial, even if it was only to eat a loaf of bread. I knew they were under a lot of pressure for it. It had to be perfect. Not only did it have to impress President Paylor, it had to be approved by me, the designer, and not to mention Katniss and Haymitch had high expectations.

While my guys ate I took a look at the memorial, noting a few changes I was going to have them make. I went to Captain Lao, who came back to 12, minus his family, to be in charge of the site, and told him about what I wanted to do with Prim and he nodded. After a meeting with the top guys we realized that making those changes would probably put us back a month, but that was okay, because we were several months ahead.

By the time I left there I made my way to the bakery with a few hours until sunset to spare.

Avila showed up after a half an hour.

I made my way to my office with her and was shocked into speechlessness when she pulled out the contract.

"My lawyer said that your demands didn't even need a second look, and encouraged me to sign the document before you changed your mind," she said as I stood there in shock. "So, here it is, signed, sealed, and delivered. Peeta's Bakery will start being built as soon as I get back home. I can't promise the ink will be all the way dry once you sign it before I whisk it off and start building."

"It'll have to dry, because you can't just leave," I told her. "You should come to dinner tonight."

Her eyes brightened. "I'd love to," said Avila warmly.

"I better leave now. I should warn Katniss." I started taking off my apron and missed the scowl across her face. By the time I looked back up she was smiling.

"Should I bring anything?"

"Just your appetite. Do you have a request for a certain bread?"

"Whatever your heart's desire is to make, I'll eat," she told me. "What time should I be ready?"

"Eight?"

"Eight's perfect. See you then."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I got home as quickly as I could, barging in and telling Katniss the good news. She beamed at me, happy for me, but I noticed a small change in her when I told her Avila would be joining us for dinner.

I definitely felt the tension in the air at her arrival, though I wasn't sure why. The two women smiled politely, made small talk, but I knew Katniss, and she didn't like Avila. I realized she was only being cordial because she knew how important this dinner was to me.

After dinner, before Avila left, I excused myself and made my way to the basement, where I had a surprise for Avila. I wasn't gone but two minutes, but when I came back upstairs, I noticed Katniss and Avila at the front door.

"I want you to know," Avila was saying, "that if Peeta wasn't so clueless, I'd take him from you." Her voice was friendly, but her eyes were cold. "It's not for a lack of trying. He just doesn't get it."

Katniss stood there, her face not at all surprised, her arms folded across her chest. "I thought you were married." Hearing her say those words made me realize how much value Katniss placed on marriage, and even though she would have pretended to marry me in order to keep her family safe, I knew that in her wanting to get married now, she truly, genuinely loved me and wanted to be with me.

"What's love got to do with it, dear?" asked Avila. "Peeta's beautiful. Surely you don't think all the women who hit on Peeta are single, do you? If you could hear the things these women offer to trade for him for his bread." She giggled, as if the two women were talking about something amusing. "But, such a pity, Peeta's totally committed to you. That makes you ten times luckier than he is."

"I'd never cheat on Peeta," and I heard the coldness in her voice.

"Again," responded Avila.

"What?"

"You'd never cheat on Peeta _again_. Because let's face it. We both know Gale Hawthorne isn't really your cousin, is he? And before you jump to conclusions, Peeta didn't tell me that. I have my own sources." Avila's gaze grew colder as my shock at Avila grew to anger. "Take it from me, dear. When it comes to what people will and won't do, don't be so naïve."

"Peeta respects you, and invited you into our home. I won't do anything to jeopardize his goals and having this bakery. But please do remember, Avila, that I am the Mockingjay, and I have friends in high places. I'd be careful, because I never miss my target."

I made my way, loudly, to them then, my face set.

"Oh, Peeta. Thank you for a wonderful dinner. Your wife is simply lovely. I do hope I'll get to see her more often." I wanted to smash my fist into her pretty little face, because I felt like a fool. Katniss was jealous because she had known this woman wanted me, and I had been blind to it all, and then brought her into our home.

"She'll always be around," I told Avila. "Here are some ideas I had for my bakery. You can look at them on your train ride home."

She seemed surprised at my abrupt dismissal, but played it off nicely.

"Very well. I'm sure I'll see you soon."

"You'll see us both," I told her, opening our door. She got the hint, and walked out. Before I could say anything Katniss spun towards me.

"What do women tell you they'll give you for your bread?" Her eyes were blazing.

"Before or after I take them back to my office and warn them to never step foot in my bakery again?"

This answer seemed to satisfy her, though, and she came to me and wrapped her arms around me. "I hate that woman," she said. "I hate every woman who gets to spend time with you that I don't."

I had never known Katniss to openly be so jealous. It just wasn't who she was. Katniss was fearless, and confident, and she knew I loved her and would never stray from her.

That didn't mean she liked the attention I got from other women.

"Do you trust me, Katniss?" I asked her, looking into her eyes.

She nodded, without hesitation. "I do. It's _them_ I don't trust. And you're naïve. Completely clueless. _You_ have no idea the affect you have on other people. I mean I'm Katniss Everdeen, and if anybody knew anything about me, it was that I didn't want to get married. Now look at me. I'm not the only person in all of Panem who knows you're a dandelion in the spring, and in all the other seasons as well. It's infuriating sometimes."

"I think it's cute that you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous," Katniss argued.

I smirked. "I love you Katniss," I told her with a kiss.

"I love you too, Peeta. Just promise me one thing?"

"What's that?"

"You'll tell me next time someone offers you something inappropriate to trade."

I snorted. "If I did that I'd be telling you something every day."

As I started to walk off, a smile on my face, Katniss followed me, demanding I tell her every single detail. I outright laughed when she demanded names.

**Sometimes I feel like Katniss is oblivious to Peeta, and how popular he probably is with the ladies. He's a Hunger Game's **_**Victor**_**. I'm **_**sure**_** he has fans. Johanna said the entire world wants to sleep with him. I wanted to capture that. I also hope it'd add a little humor to what I'm hoping isn't that dark of a story.**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


	30. Chapter 30

**IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW (JAN 6) so I thought I'd post in honor of that!**

**Also, for those of you who are only following this story, I have a couple of other stories I have posted: Surviving After the Games (a two-shot in Katniss' POV) and Baby Love a foreshadowing two-shot (and future missing scene) from THIS story, also in Katniss' POV. I'd love it if you all checked it out.**

**It's Valentine's Day in the story, so YES, there's sex (a lot of it) and fluff. I personally think it's BEYOND time for Katniss and Peeta to have a "regular couple" moment. I'm sure you all don't mind a chapter that's drama free. No flashbacks, no nightmares, no nothing. I just wanted to show how far Katniss and Peeta have come as a couple in the next few chapters. In other words, how they've "grown back together." ENJOY and Review!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

On the morning of Valentine's Day I woke up to Katniss' body curled into mine. We were both on our sides, our bodies pressed together, my arm around her waist. All her hair was on one side, hiding her face from view.

Sometime during the night she had covered her nudeness with my dark gray cotton shirt. It barely stopped at her thighs.

I tenderly moved her hair out of her face and kissed her neck, softly, but enough for her to stir. Then I planted a firmer kiss on her lips, and didn't remove myself until she responded.

"Peeta," she whispered.

I slid my hand under my shirt and cupped her breasts. They felt familiar, full, warm. I rubbed her nubs until they became hard and she started to squirm. I teased her for several moments before removing my hands from under my shirt, caressing her stomach and hips as I did. I lifted my shirt over her head, flinging it across the room, then allowed my lips, tongue, and teeth to feast on her breasts.

Sometimes, like on days like this, she came before I even entered her.

I don't think I'll ever tire of how _soft_ Katniss gets when we make love. She's a warrior goddess, the Mockingjay, but when it's just us, and we're doing this, gently, slowly, sweetly, just like now, she's calm and quiet.

"No, don't move," I told her in her ear when she attempted to get on her back. "Stay in this position." I lifted her hips slightly and slid silkily into her wet folds.

I kissed her shoulder as we started rocking, her in front of me, me behind her. After a few moments I slid my arm under her to wrap one hand around her front, gripping and squeezing her breasts while I thrust in and out of her.

With my other hand I started rubbing her clit, just enough to tease her, stopping when she was close to cumming.

She sighed out my name, my name a high whimper, and I whispered her name, over and over again. When she snaked her arm around my neck, giving me fuller access to her, I took advantage of it. She stuttered out my name as I flicked my tongue over her nipple.

I slid my fingers back down in between her legs. It made her arch back into me, and she started to meet my thrusts with quicker ones of her own. I followed her lead and sped up as her cries got louder.

"Cum for me, Kantiss," I told her, my voice low with lust.

She obeyed, immediately, her cries echoing into the morning.

I kept thrusting.

Sometimes I have no idea how I last as long as I do, because there's no greater feeling than knowing that Katniss Everdeen loves me enough to give all of herself to me, day in and day out.

And after all these years, I still hadn't gotten tired of our lovemaking.

I teased her nipple again and knew that I was close to releasing when Katniss started to say things.

For someone who didn't always know how to express herself on a day-to-day basis, when it came to making love she was hardly shy.

"Harder, Peeta," she told me, gripping the hand that was between her legs. "Yes. God. So close." She squirmed, just a little, because she wanted me to hit her spot, but if I did that, I'd explode, and I wasn't quite satisfied in my hunger just yet. "Please, Peeta," she begged.

"Soon," I said into her neck. I kissed her lips and she kissed me back, our tongues touching.

When she threw back her head I knew she was close again.

I could hear our flesh slapping and knew I was close as well.

"Right there," she moaned, still thrusting into me. "Yes. Yes. God yes. Peeta. Peeta, Peeta, Peeta, _Peeta_." I gently bit her shoulder as she bucked and started squeezing her breasts, her hand under mind.

When she cursed, "_Shit_!" exploding out of her mouth, I lost it, and filled her with all of me. I slipped my fingers inside of her, my digits familiar with where to go, until she came, a few moments later.

She kept my fingers where they were, pushing them deeper into her, as she rode through the orgasm. I watched as she convulsed, thanking God that I was the man who made Katniss Everdeen lose control like this.

Afterwards I felt like I could run a million miles. Katniss seemed just as energetic.

"That was amazing," Katniss told me, her eyes still dark with pleasure.

I grinned. "Indeed."

"Are we spending the day together?" asked Katniss as she slithered back under the sheets.

"No," I told her, getting up and making my way to the bathroom. "Why don't you meet me at the bakery at sunset? I have a surprise for you."

Katniss rolled her eyes. "What should I wear?"

"I'm wearing a tux, but you can wear whatever you want. Show up naked for all I care. Actually I prefer if you did."

I laughed when she threw a pillow at my back.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

When Katniss arrived at the bakery later that afternoon, I arched an eyebrow. She looked innocent enough, but I knew her.

"What are you doing here? Isn't it almost time for your class?"

She smiled, pretending to look around without trying to look as if she were looking around. "I had to pick up my birth control prescription."

I glared at her suspiciously. "Haymitch usually gets our mail, Katniss," I told her.

"But remember how he embarrassed me the last time my pills came? It's what made me start ordering them by the year as opposed to every month. I decided I should just grab them before he did."

It was a great cover story. Katniss has been on birth control for years—months before we even started having sex. I was floored when she told me.

"_I had always known it would come to this, Peeta_," she had told me when I asked. "_I didn't immediately order it after you got back from the Capitol. But after that first kiss we had, I knew what I wanted._" For the first few years the birth control had came in an ambiguous package. Then Katniss switched brands because the first ones affected her depression.

The new brand… well let's just say we all knew what it was. Haymitch had barged into the house so embarrassed he could barely look at us.

Katniss was just as mortified.

I folded my arms across my chest, refusing to be amused.

"Okay, so I came in here to peak at what you have up your sleeve," she said with a grin.

"And that's why I haven't started anything yet. I still have four more families to bake things for. I can't start on my plans for you until after that. But I've arranged it so that you have to pick up Effie from the train station today. That should keep you preoccupied until I'm ready for you." I smiled smugly at her.

"Honestly, Peeta, it's as if you don't trust me," she said.

I laughed and walked up to her, planting a soft kiss on her nose.

"Get the hell out of my bakery," I told her.

"Why did you lie to me?" asked Katniss. I arched an eyebrow. "You handed me a key and told me I'm welcome here anytime."

"And I meant it," I told her, walking to the door. "Now get out." I opened the door and she gave me a pretend scowl.

"Okay well just don't expect any nooky tonight."

"You'll change her mind by the time I'm done with you." I gave her a real kiss as she left, pulling her into me, my hands gripping her cheek, my tongue sliding into her mouth.

When I heard her moan I pushed her out the door.

"I hate you!" she yelled as the door slammed. "I'm gonna make the paparazzi spy on you so I can see what you're up to."

I laughed and went back to finish making the cupcakes for Delly and her family.

After baking cookies and cupcakes, having completed three out of the four desserts I had to make, a phone call interrupted me.

It was Haymitch.

"Your girl's freaking out about the pearl," he said without so much as a hello.

"What?"

"Katniss. I was chasing one of those demon geese that had left the yard and I found her a little while ago, on her hands and knees, crawling around in the dirt. I thought she was having one of her episodes but when I approached her she responded, telling me that she couldn't find her pearl, and she was checking to see if she had dropped it."

I gripped the phone. "What'd you tell her?"

"That I'm sure it was just misplaced. She told me it couldn't be. She said she always kept it on her. She said she noticed it was gone a few days ago but when she went into the room to find an outfit for tonight she remembered that it was gone."

I sighed. "Where is she now?"

"I told her to get dressed because she'd have to pick up Effie soon. I also lied and told her that you would be crushed if you found out she'd lost it, so she should pretend everything was okay until after tonight."

I smiled. "Smart. Now we're sure Effie has it?"

I could practically hear Haymitch roll his eyes. "You've talked to the woman every day for the past week and a half. Yes, she has it."

"And you think she knows Katniss' size?"

"You're asking me if _Effie Trinket_ knows something about fashion?"

"Touché."

"I'll see you in a little while to bring it to you once I make sure Effie is settled in and she has Katniss preoccupied. I won't say good luck because you won't need it. She loves you. Just… close the windows tonight, okay?"

I blushed as Haymitch cackled on the other end and hung up, too embarrassed to remind him that if he heard anything, it'd be his geese.

I planned to seduce Katniss here, at the bakery anyway.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I had just lit the last candle when I heard the door open. I looked up and noticed Katniss at the door.

"Hey," she said softly. "Is it okay for me to come in?"

"Your timing couldn't have been better," I told her with a smile.

She smiled back and stepped inside, looking around. "Wow. It's beautiful."

"So are you," I said, walking up to her to take her coat, and it was true. At twenty-five Katniss was fully developed. She looked as stunning as she did back in the Games when Cinna had made her look… well, twenty-five. Her hair was longer, her eyes even greyer, and she was stronger and fitter than I'd ever seen her.

Tonight her beauty left me speechless.

Katniss had never been much for makeup but part of the plan to stall Katniss was to have Effie do her makeup. However Effie had kept it simple. Effie had brought out Katniss' features with light makeup, eye shadow, and blush. She had on eyeliner but her lashes were her own.

I removed her coat and froze at her dress.

She had said she would pick one of Cinna's designs but I never imagined she'd choose this one.

Noticing my stare she slowly turned around. After several years she had finally accepted the fact that I thought she was beautiful. She still blushed every time I told her so, but she was okay with me expressing myself to her. Long gone were the days when she'd shy away, uncomfortable with how I had a hard time controlling my mouth around her.

Her dress was bright red, long and formal. It was a long sleeve bright red deep V-neck cut dress. The cut stopped right below her navel. It hugged every curve possible and flared out the bottom, barely showing her gold heels. The back of the dress was non-existent, there was no back to the dress. There was a string that tied in the middle of her shoulder blades and then no fabric touched her skin until her the dress covered her from the small of her back on down. Her hair was curly and hung low around her face and down her back.

"Are you just gonna stare at me all night, or do we get to actually eat whatever that wonderful aroma is?" asked Katniss, breaking my thoughts.

"Right. Sorry." I hung up her coat, thinking that she'd be extremely fortunate if I allowed her to make it past dinner in that getup.

Then I remembered what it is I was about to do.

"The place looks great." I looked around. I had sprinkled red rose petals on the floor, making a perfumed path to the circular table in the middle of the room. There was a white linen tablecloth covering it, two chairs, a bouquet of red roses in a vase, and cream-colored candles. There were two plates, each of them covered with silver toppers.

I pulled out her chair and motioned for her to sit down. She smiled and did as she was told.

I was so nervous I could barely eat.

Katniss was playing around with her food too.

"Is… everything okay? You're not really eating," I told her.

She looked down at her plate. "I'm sorry. I'm distracted."

"Why?"

She sighed. "Haymitch told me I shouldn't tell you, but… to not do so would be a lie. The guilt's eating at me. I'm looking around at everything you did tonight, how beautiful you made the shop, how handsome you look in your black tuxedo and I just feel _bad_." She took a deep breath. "I lost the pearl you gave me."

I hid a smile and looked confused. "What pearl?"

She gaped. "_What pearl_? _The_ pearl. The one you gave me in the Quarter Quell."

"Oh. You mean… this pearl?" I pulled out the velvet box from my pocket and placed it on the table in front of her. She stared at it for a few moments and then snatched the box off the table. I watched as she opened it and her mouth dropped open.

When her eyes met mine again I was next to her, down on one knee.

"Will you?" I whispered.

"Peeta," whispered back Katniss. She looked at the ring. "When did you even do this?"

"Remember when Haymitch warned us that a hovercraft was coming for a special delivery, and not to freak out?" She nodded. "That was my doing. I took your pearl and had it sent to the Capitol so that I could buy you a real ring. I called Effie so that she could pick it up. Then I went to the library and looked up a few rings online and told Effie what I wanted. I had her guess your size. I'm hoping it fits."

"There's only one way to find out," Katniss told me. She held out her hand and I grabbed the ring—a simple ring with a platinum band, one diamond on each side, the pearl in the middle, standing out above the two—and took it out the box.

"Is this a yes?"

She stared at me. "Real."

I felt my heart swoop as I placed the ring on her finger.

It fit perfectly.


	31. Chapter 31

**It's my birthday, so new chapter! My gift to you! Enjoy.**

We didn't get to finish dinner, because a simple thank-you-I'm-so-happy-you-said-yes kiss turned into I-can't-get-close-enough-to-you-with-all-your-clothes-on kisses, which is strange because when I took her on top of the counter all I had time to do was lift up her dress while she unzipped my pants.

And just like that, I was inside of her.

In retrospect I'd have liked it to be a little more romantic, but sometimes need outweighed everything.

When we were finished I laid my forehead against Katniss', breathing hard. Her breath came out in short, sporadic sounds. I could feel her heart beating a million miles a minute underneath me.

I didn't speak again until I felt it return to its normal speed.

"Do you want to have a toasting now?" I asked her, finally untangling myself from her.

She stood up, smoothing down her dress, and then looked at me. "I do want a toasting but… not right now."

"No?"

"It's just… a few years ago if you'd had asked I'd have been okay with a private toasting, but… I want those who matter to us to be here."

I blinked at her. "You mean… you want a _real_ wedding?"

Katniss looked at me for several moments and I could see the wheels turning in her mind. "Yes. I want a real wedding, with my mom there, Haymitch, and Annie, and Johanna, and Effie…. I want our friends there. Real small and intimate. So yes, I want to share this with them."

I was speechless. "Every time I think I know you, you surprise me," I said with awe.

"You don't want a public ceremony?"

"Of course I do. I just didn't think you would."

"I honestly didn't think I ever would. But there were a lot of things I never thought I'd do when it comes to you."

I smiled.

"Let's go eat and then we can go tell Haymitch and Effie it's official. After I call my mom."

"She knows too." Katniss looked surprised. "I asked for your hand in marriage."

"That does not surprise me in the least," she said with a small smile, shaking her head. "Well let me tell her it's official, then."

She went to the office while I heated our uneaten dinner. By the time she came back I was putting the food back on the table.

Now that Katniss knew where her pearl was, and I had already proposed, we both ate. Afterwards we cleaned up, both of us in a comfortable silence.

"I wish I could freeze this moment," Katniss said as we headed towards the door. "I stopped, my head whipping around to look at her. She smiled at me. "Do you remember saying those words to me?"

"You mean when we were on the roof of the Training Center before the Quarter Quell?" Katniss nodded. "Nope. I don't remember." She laughed and I pulled her into me. "I don't want to freeze this moment. I want to live, every day, until I die, because each day makes me fall even more in love with you. If we froze this moment I wouldn't get to marry you. If we froze this moment I wouldn't get to make a baby with you, even if it takes another ten years. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm happy that that moment on the roof wasn't frozen. Because then we wouldn't be here, together."

She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me on the lips, her kiss hot, demanding, loving.

"Dance with me," I said when she pulled away.

"What?" asked Katniss.

"Dance with me," I repeated.

"But there's no music."

I smiled at her and wrapped my arms around her waist, bringing her in close. "There's always music when you're around, Katniss." She wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my chest, and we danced in slow circles, next to the door.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The moon was bright and did a good job of leading our path to Victor's Village. I was happy the snow had melted as Katniss was walking in her heels.

"Should we interrupt Haymitch and Effie?" I asked as we neared the house. "I think they're expecting us, to be honest. I want them to hear the good news in person."

Katniss nodded and we walked up Haymitch's stairs, knocking on the door since Effie was here.

The door swung open almost immediately.

"Well it's about damn time," Haymitch said. "I was beginning to think you told him no." Katniss smiled. "Come in."

We stepped inside and Effie ran up to us and gave us a hug.

"The ring fit then?" asked Effie.

"Perfectly," Katniss responded. "How'd you know?"

"Honey I could tell you your shoe size, dress side, bra size, and ring size by the time I was ten," replied Effie.

I laughed.

"Well now that we know it's official, get out," Haymitch said. "We've been stalling all night because we were waiting on you two."

"Haymitch!" Effie scolded him and turned back to us. "Sometimes I miss the days he drank himself silent."

"I resent that," grumbled Haymitch.

"We won't take up too much more of your time," Katniss said. "We actually wanted to ask you two something." Katniss took a deep breath. "Peeta and I decided to have an actual ceremony as opposed to just a toasting. Haymitch…" Katniss couldn't meet his eyes and I could see her cheeks turning red. "Would you…" I nudged her and she looked up at Haymitch . "Would you give me away?"

Haymitch blinked rapidly while Effie's eyes filled with tears.

Finally, after Haymitch cleared his throat several times he said thickly, "I'd be honored."

"Effie, would you plan our wedding? I can't think of anyone better suited for it," I asked her, and as a response she burst into tears, gathering us both in a bone crushing hug.

"Of c-course I-I will!" She sniffed. "We could have you guys married in the Capitol."

Katniss and I both stiffened. "Are you insane?"

"Yes. Yes, I must be, to have suggested that. I've lost my mind." She shook her head as if to clear it and pulled them towards the couch, Haymitch behind us. We all sat.

"We could always have a destination wedding," I suggested. "How about 4?"

"I can see us honeymooning in 4," said Katniss. "I can't see us getting married there. 12 is our home."

Effie gasped. "Of _course_. That settles it. You guys should get married right here, either right before or right after the ten-year anniversary." Silence filled the room. "Well think about it. Emotions will be all over the place. It'll be the one spark of hope that everyone needs. Plus everybody will already be here."

"Including cameras," Katniss pointed out.

"Well once the news breaks you won't be able to keep the cameras at bay," Effie said.

"Let's not forget you two are already married," said Haymitch. We stared at him. "Everyone will be confused."

"I couldn't give a damn what people think," Katniss said, her voice hard.

"That's actually not a bad point, Haymitch," said Effie. "We can call it a renewing of the vowel's ceremony. The real issue is how we're going to control the media. We should get with Plutarch about having one media outlet to document the wedding."

"I don't want to spend my wedding living for the cameras," Katniss argued. "I hadn't meant I wanted a _public_ wedding. I just didn't want only want a private toasting."

Effie sighed and grabbed Katniss' hand. "The minute you became our Mockingjay, your life was no longer you own. I know it hardly seems fair. Both Coin and Snow are dead, yet you're still required to give so much. But if you try to do this without the cameras, the media will be like hunters trying to trap their prey. It'll be much easier to grant one exclusive media outlet, I suggest we let Plutarch choose, give them access, and be done with it."

"She's right, Katniss," Haymitch said.

Katniss turned to me. I shrugged. "I don't really have a problem with it."

"You don't? Don't you get it, Peeta? This is just another way for the Capitol to put us on display."

"But not for the Games," I told her.

"The money you make off the wedding can come back to 12," Haymitch suggested, knowing how to convince Katniss.

Katniss sighed, clearly perplexed and annoyed. "Set up a meeting with Plutarch tomorrow," Katniss said, standing.

I followed suit, nodding my goodbye, and we headed back to our house.

In front of our door Katniss stopped, taking a deep breath. "It's still Valentine's Day. I don't want the thought of a filmed wedding to affect tonight. I have a surprise for you."

I raised my eyebrows and stepped inside as she opened the door.

It was dark inside, with the exception of… "Are those _candles_ on the stairs?" I asked.

She smiled slyly. "Maybe." She took my hand and led the way upstairs, and sure enough, those were candles.

And rose petals.

Red ones. Just like the one I had used.

We made it up to the room and I was greeted with more candles and rose petals. In the center of the bed was a plate full of strawberries and whip cream, and more rose petals.

"When'd you do all this?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"It's nice to get one over on you for once. You're not the only one who had a few tricks up their sleeve." She smiled smugly. "I set it up before I left to Haymitch's for Effie to do my makeup. I got dressed over there."

"And you did all this… for me?"

"Well not just you. For us." She walked to the bed and grabbed a strawberry. "Did you know strawberries were an aphrodisiac?" She took a seductive bite out of the strawberry and then walked up to me, bringing the strawberry to my mouth.

I took a bite out of the strawberry, though I definitely didn't need it to enhance _anything_.

I was hard the minute I saw the first candle on the bottom stair.

There were only a few, rare occasions that Katniss and I mixed food and sex. Even going on nine years after the Rebellion hardly anybody took to wasting food. Still, I do remember a particularly delicious time where we'd licked chocolate syrup off of each other. And whip cream was no stranger to either one of our bodies.

I popped a strawberry in my mouth, leaving the tip out, and expertly dipped it in whip cream, then brought it to Katniss' mouth. She bit it and our lips touched, and let me tell you… it was the spark to light the fire.

She was the volcano, the explosion, and I was the lava, loose and languid as her fire cascaded everywhere. Clothes were burned off, hair was singed, and the heat… the heat nearly killed me, but I was okay with that.

There was sweat dripping down her back by the time I'd bent her over, demanding she dip her back in for me. When I entered her she was trembling, could barely stand, as foreplay had been slow, meticulous, and lasted for quite some time.

She met my thrusts with her own. I gripped her hips, groaning when she turned her head and looked back at me. I glanced in the mirror of the bathroom, the moon's white light bright enough to illuminate my Katniss, and watched our reflection, Katniss' breasts bouncing as I rammed into her.

I pulled her hair back and she moaned. That moan turned into that all too familiar high-pitched whimper as I grabbed her breasts and kissed her neck. She came undone but we were far from finished.

I don't know how long we made love. I do know the candles were dimming, the moon was lower, and the darkness of the night could not distract us from the familiarity of each other's bodies.

The last coherent thought I had was that I didn't take Haymitch's advice and remember to shut our windows.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I'm used to waking up before Katniss, but last night forced me to sleep well into the next day. Normally Katniss would lie next to me until I woke up, but I think I'd slept past Haymitch's old drunken slumbers.

I shook my head and sat up, slipping on my boxers from last night.

Surprisingly the first thing I saw when I walked in the bathroom was Katniss' engagement ring glistening in the mirror.

Then I noticed, as she finished rinsing her mouth, the bathroom smelling like toothpaste, that she was dressed in a black cami, her breasts nearly spilling out of them—what the hell had happened to modest Katniss anyway? Perhaps Johanna was right and I'd fucked it out of her—and a pair of black lace underwear.

I still remembered the first time she stared wearing 'nice' underwear. She'd said it was way more for me than it was for her, that she knew women should turn their men on, and the panties she wore in the past probably wouldn't get the job done.

Lies.

It never mattered to me.

But this was the first time in all the time we'd been sleeping together, that I'd caught her like this, and suddenly I was much more partial to the lace underwear only covering half her ass.

I stepped up to her in a few strides, my mouth on hers.

"Oh, no you don't," she said, her eyes dancing, "I've had enough of you, Sir. You wore me out last night. I just got out the shower you are not about to stick your—"

It's an incredible sight to see your fiancé's breasts being fucked out of her shirt as she's bent over the sink, both hands palming the mirror for support, her underwear down to her ankles.

I pulled out when I heard her whimper and spun her around. She spent enough of last night looking at me from behind. I wanted to see her today. Her legs automatically wrapped around my waist and she gripped my hips, forcing me deeper into her. I shoved her shirt down and watched her breasts rise and fall with the force of my thrusts.

She eagerly met my thrusts and I wrapped my arms around her, needing to be closer.

I came before I meant to me because Katniss grunted, "I love it when you're inside of me," in my ear, and she'd never, ever, _ever_ said something like that before, so naturally I lost all control, which was okay, because she came a few seconds after I did.

I was weak afterwards, absolutely spent, and we slid down to the bathroom floor, our breath coming out in short gasps.

"I know I should shower again," said Katniss, "but there's something that turns me on about just getting dressed and smelling like you and sex." She looked at me. "Your sex. Our sex."

"Are you trying to kill me?" I asked as I felt desire in my stomach. She just smiled.

"It's been years since you've asked me that," and I realize that her words are true.

We are far from healed. We'll never fully heal. I knew I'd have flashbacks for the rest of my life, and Katniss damn sure still had her bad days when she wouldn't get out of bed. She still had nightmares. But I couldn't remember the last time she'd run to her closet.

I kissed her and helped her up. I brushed the top of the ring across my hand and then looked at her. She was looking at me.

For one quick second a shiny moment flickered in my brain, causing my brow to furrow.

"You really do want to marry me, right? This isn't something you feel like you owe me?"

Katniss cupped my cheek and looked me dead in my eye. "I'm marrying you because I love you, and because you make me feel safe, and because even after everything I've done you're still here, and you continue to prove you're not going anywhere. I'm marrying you for you as much as for me. I need you. And if I can love and need you, I can damn sure marry you. I remember my parent's marriage. They were _happy_. I don't know if I'll ever be that happy. But the happiness I do feel, I feel because of you. I'm not scared of loving you anymore. Losing you? Of course. But not loving you. And people get married when they're in love."

I flashed a smile at her. "I don't know why people say you're not good with words."

"I didn't use to be. You did that for me, too. You taught me it was okay to be vulnerable and express myself. Granted I'm only that way with you. I almost cried asking Haymitch to give me away."

"I think he almost cried too. I don't know what it is with you Seam people," I joked, engulfing her in a hug.

"We're hard asses," laughed Katniss. "But when we love, we love hard." She looked at me again. "Remember when I told you, when you first came back, and we were fighting because you'd had a bad flashback and you shut me out? You wanted to make up with me, and said you wanted us to be right."

I nodded. "You told me you didn't want to be right, but real. You wanted us to be real."

She nodded. "Marrying you make us real."

It took every manly bone in my body not to cry at those words.

**Hey Loves! I wanted to address something: though I think Katniss and Peeta would have HATED having a public wedding, I'm trying to be realistic: with the new Republic I can't see cameras staying away from them. I'm thinking of Katniss and Peeta as modern day celebrities. Celebs can't get married without the paparazzi trying to find out every single detail. Usually celebs allow one news magazine: Ebony, People, SOMETHING, and they have the exclusive photos and details. I just can't see Katniss and Peeta living in peace after everything. That's why I made the decision to film the wedding.**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta **


	32. Chapter 32

**Okay, posting one last chapter for three reasons:**

**I just left my bday dinner, so I'm tipsy LOL**

**I have a new Reviewer/supporter who's sitting on pins and needles waiting for an update, so since they're new to Rise From the Ashes, I thought I'd show them how I spoil my Reviewers haha so thank SammieRN for this post.**

**Evereno guesses what happens, and it's only fair that they get to see how it happens the way it does. You won't find out WHY until the NEXT chapter, though. #Tease**

**NO MORE POSTS TIL THURSDAY, YOU SPOILED CHILDREN OF MINE! LOL**

**While you're waiting for Thursday, please feel free to check out two other stories I'm actually quite proud of: Baby Love and Surviving After the Games.**

**Thanks Loves,**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

Getting married was real.

Getting married was also right.

Getting married in front of the cameras… well we were still trying to figure out if that was right.

"Maybe we should head over to Haymitch's to talk to Plutarch," I suggested after we had showered. I saw Katniss stiffen as she buttoned up her shirt. "What's wrong?"

She chewed on her lip for a few seconds before responding. "I just feel like we're still lying. If we call it a renewal of the vowel's ceremony, it's not really our wedding."

"I've been thinking about that," I told her, pulling on my pants. "But technically, we've been married for years. I burned bread for you before, and you ate it."

She stopped and stared at me, her shirt halfway unbuttoned, and I wished she'd hurry up and button it before I had my way with her again.

"You didn't eat any of that bread, though," she reminded me as she finished buttoning up her shirt.

I shrugged. "Okay then, so let's have our own private toasting, then. That way we'll really be married, and everybody can witness the actual ceremony, which really will be a renewing of the vowels."

Katniss looked thoughtful as she slipped on her own pair of pants. "So you really want to get married in secret, and then share it with everyone later?"

I walked up to her. "The wedding ceremony is for our friends and family, Katniss. The marriage is for us. If you don't want the marriage to be a lie, then the only option is to get married before the ceremony."

She chewed on her lip again. "I'll think about it."

We headed over to Haymtich's, knocking before we went in.

"What do you people want? Can't a man nap in peace?" whined Haymitch.

"Don't act like you aren't happy to see us," I said. Before I continued something caught my eye. I gasped. "Oh my God." I walked up to the table and held up a bag. "What is _this_?"

Haymitch _blushed_.

"_That_ is private," he snarled.

"You took Effie _out_? To a _restaurant_?" Katniss laughed, really laughed, clutching her stomach, while Haymitch scowled.

"_And_ he paid!" said Effie, walking down the stairs, her hair in a loose bun, wearing a white button up and a long gold skirt. "He didn't have to pay, you know. As a former Victor he hasn't had to deal with something as common as money in _years_." She came down and greeted us both with kisses. "Now what do Haymitch and I owe such a pleasant surprise?"

"We need to go ahead and talk to Plutarch about this whole ceremony thing." I said as we sat down.

"And you two had to come here to do that because…?" asked Haymtich.

Katniss gave him a look and he sighed and sat on the arm of the couch.

"I called Plutarch and spoke with him earlier this morning. He told me he'd be available around lunch—"

"It needs to be now," I interrupted. "I've been slacking on the memorial all month since so many people requested I bake for them. I've got a lot of time to make up for."

Effie blinked. "Okay, well, let's call Plutarch and see if he can squeeze you in."

"He'll squeeze us in," Katniss muttered.

Sure enough, after two minutes, he and President Paylor were on the phone.

"Congratulations are in order," Paylor said. "I'm so happy for you two. I've never wished more that the no cameras policy had been removed."

"Now, Madam President, let's not get carried away. The people have the right to see their Mockingjay," Plutarch said. "But congratulations are indeed in order. Now Effie explained how you guys don't want a big fuss, and that's understandable. I think selecting one news outlet is brilliant. Here's what I'm thinking: I want to film a mini series about the events leading up to the wedding. Kind of like a reality show."

"You have to be shitting me," snapped out Katniss, and the entire room stared at her, shocked at her vocabulary.

Plutarch seemed to be the only who was amused, as he chuckled appreciatively. "Well I had to try, didn't I? I didn't really expect you to say yes. I'm still waiting for you to come on my singing show." Katniss growled and Plutarch kept on. "However, you and Peeta should come to the Capitol and get the wedding dress Cinna left you. Yes, I know about that," he said, as if he could read and see the surprise on me and Katniss' face. "You'll get to meet your camera crew and we'll capture you getting the dress on film. That's not too much to ask, surely."

Katniss and I glanced at each other and she nodded.

"Okay," I agreed for the both of us.

"Good, then it's settled," said Paylor. "You two can come back to me the Capitol with Effie and I tomorrow."

"What?" Katniss asked. "Where are you?"

"Why, I'm in 12, of course, for a surprise visit in regards to the memorial. I've been here all morning."

My jaw dropped.

"I didn't tell you because I wanted to see its progress for myself. However, I did certainly think you'd be here by now. I expect to see you in half an hour, Soldier." With that she clicked off.

I stood up, as did Katniss. I looked at Haymitch. "Did you know she was here?" I asked him.

"I had no clue," he responded. "You better get going though, and I suggest you change out of those jeans and into a pair of slacks."

Outside I turned to Katniss. "I'll call if I don't make it home by sunset," I told her. "Have a good day at class." I placed a gentle kiss on her lips and headed back to the house to change.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I noticed that there was more security the minute I left Victor's Village. I briefly wondered if Gale was here, then shrugged away the thought.

I arrived at the memorial to see that everybody was on his or her best behavior. Not to say that they didn't act that way with me or Captain Lao. It was just… the _President_ is here.

She smiled when she saw me and ignored my outstretched hand and instead greeted me like an old friend and hugged me.

"It's been a long time," she said, still smiling.

"Nearly five years," I responded.

"You look as good as ever."

"Thank you. How are your men adjusting to 12?"

"Let's just say I'm glad it's been rebuilt," I said with a smile. Most of the construction workers are originally from District 7, though most reside in the Capitol now, and are transferred to individual Districts that need construction done. They weren't used to 12 and its lack of resources.

"Okay, enough small talk. Let's get to what it is I know you're wondering about. I have Captain Lao and the others in Room 1." She turned and I followed her down the hall and into the largest conference room, two security guards at the door. Captain Lao stood up at her entrance. I looked around and noticed a few other familiar faces, all top guys. There were also security guards in here as well.

"Please sit down, gentlemen," she said, motioning for me to sit next to her. We did as we were told. "Thank you all for all of your hospitality these past few hours. I know my being here came as a surprise. I must say that I am incredibly impressed with how well this memorial is being built. If I didn't feel as if you men needed a break I'd put you all on the rest of them, too."

"Progress not going well in other Districts?" I asked.

"Not nearly as well as this one."

"It's the home of the Mockingjay," Captain Lao pointed out. "Prim Everdeen is her little sister."

"All the victims of the Games deserve honor," I said to the men in the room.

"Oh, please," one guy said. He was from 13. "You can't tell me people like Enobaria and Glimmer deserve the same respect Primrose Everdeen does?"

"Their families lost a sister, just like Katniss did," I argued.

He arched his eyebrow in a challenge. I didn't deal much with him but I started to suspect he was one of the people who didn't care too much for my presence when I was brought back from the Capitol.

"You're out of line, Soldier," Paylor warned him. He scowled. "You're entitled to your own opinion, and I'm not Snow, so those opinions don't get you killed, but Mr. Mellark is your boss, and I expect him to be treated as such. Am I clear?"

He nodded.

"Good. Now that we got that out the way, I think we can start conducting holographic interviews once a month. The last six months I'll come down and check on its progress to make sure everything's staying on track for the grand opening.

"Before I go, I'd like to you all to give a round of applause to Captain Lao's leadership under Peeta Mellark. Construction is going wonderfully." The people around the table applauded, as did I and Paylor. "Also I'd like to recognize Peeta for his remarkable designing." Again, the room was filled with applause. "Meeting adjourned. Tell your men to go home. You all deserve an early night."

When the room emptied she turned to me. "I wish I could say you get to go home early too, but I was hoping you could show me around, and then tell me what you have planned next. And then I was hoping I could have you bake me a loaf of bread. I hear it's practically it's own food group."

I smiled. "Sure."

We headed to the memorial site and she looked at where we were, our progress farther along than expected.

"I just feel like… it's missing something," she told me.

And as soon as she said it, I agreed.

"I think I know. I know exactly what it's missing."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We made our way to her car—the president couldn't _walk_ in this District, or any other—and I showed Paylor the other bakery, which was a larger version of the original bakery. This bakery did not have the same drawings of the original bakery, but the walls were painted the same pale yellow color. One wall had the different bread each District made, and all the walls had primroses planted at the bottom. The back office had dandelions.

Afterwards I took her to the original bakery, giving the manager and two associates the rest of the day off. Aside from one guard inside the bakery, we were now alone.

"And here it is," breathed Paylor when we got to the back office. "I want you to know I openly bawled like a baby when the interview aired and we saw the painting. It's beautiful."

"Thank you," I said. I excused myself to place a call to Katniss to let her know I'd be home late. Afterwards I turned to Paylor. "So what bread can I make for you?"

"Anything sweet will be fine with me," responded President Paylor.

"I can show you how to make banana nut."

She smiled. "I'd love that." We walked back to the kitchen where I started to gather all the ingredients and materials. While we were baking Paylor spoke again. "I heard you franchised the bakery."

She said it casually, but my back went up at her voice. The room had gotten really thick all of a sudden.

"I have. How'd you know?" I hadn't even told Haymitch yet.

"It's my job to know, Peeta. There's not much I don't know when it comes to you two. I know you finally saw the video from Cinna, and that you're answering your fan mail, and that you've corresponded with Sage. And I also happen to know you've franchised your bakery. With… Avila Abbott?"

"Yes."

"That's good, Peeta."

I stared at her. "Is it?"

"It's great for business."

"You don't like Avila."

Paylor did something a real baker would never do: dipped her finger in the bowl and licked it.

She closed her eyes. "This is incredible."

"Thank you."

She turned to me. "Can I talk to you as your friend, as opposed to your president?"

"I've always thought of you as a friend," I told her. Her eyebrows rose. "Well… if not a friend, than at least an ally. You're on our side."

"Yes I am. But the President would never be caught gossiping. President Paylor has no issue whatsoever with Avila Abbot."

"And Azalia? How does Azalia Paylor feel about Avila?"

Her eyes stared into mine. "Be careful with her. She's an excellent business partner, but she's a horrible person. She's shrewd and selfish."

"Katniss feels the same way," I muttered.

"She rubs a lot of women the wrong way. She… doesn't play fair. I'm only saying anything because…" she took a deep breath. "You're good, Peeta. You're pure. You're trusting. Business wise Avila won't screw you. Personally she's going to try to screw you. Literally."

I blushed. "I have no intention of ever being alone with her."

"She wouldn't dare try anything in front of Katniss," Paylor said. "She's a coward underneath the ice queen façade. She's the kind of person who'd want to be around your wife after it happened."

"She's married though," I argued.

Paylor laughed. "Not everybody is like you and Katniss, or your parents for that matter. In Districts like 11 or 12 people place value on marriage. In the Capitol and other Districts divorce can happen after a day. The Capitol is the modern day version of Hollywood."

"Hollywood?"

She grinned. "Read a history book, kid," she said.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Katniss? I home," I called.

A few seconds later I heard the bedroom door open then quick feet running down the stairs.

She stopped when she saw me. "Wow," she said.

I looked down. "One of Cinna's," I told her. I wore a crisp black blazer with charcoal grey lapels, a matching grey shirt, and black slacks.

"You look incredible," said Katniss.

I smiled. "Thanks."

I started to walk towards her but she stopped me. "Wait right there, okay? Give me a minute." She ran back upstairs and I stared curiously after her.

She took long enough upstairs that I had made my way to kitchen by the time she came back down. She had changed out of her sweat pants and now wore a dark gray skirt and a black V-neck shirt that was tucked in. She even had on earrings.

"Katniss, what—?"

She forced a piece of paper into my hand and I stared at it.

And then I stared at her.

And then back at the paper.

And then at her again.

"What are you saying?"

She rolled her eyes and huffed out a breath. "It's a marriage license. I called and had Delly pick one up for me, so no one would make a big deal about me being there. She just told them she had misplaced hers and they gave her a brand new one," she told me. I still just stared at her. "I'm saying I think we should have a toasting, Peeta. Tonight."

**AN: FYI I wasn't sure about President Paylor's fist name, so I made it up. If anyone remembers that it was mentioned in Mockingjay PLEASE let me know. I tried to find it because I could have SWORN it was mentioned, but I couldn't.**

**Thanks. Hope you're all still into the story!**

**We're getting towards the end, here. I wanted Katniss and Peeta married after 10 years because Katniss is the last to know anything about herself, so I think it would have taken her this long to realize she wanted to marry Peeta. Once they're married it'll only be five years until the first baby is born. So, we've definitely come along farther than we have to go. **

**If there's anything you all want to see, let me know.**

**I can't say I really want this to end LOL.**

**Love the support and Reviews!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


	33. Chapter 33

**Oh my goodness! I just finished up the chapter where Katniss tells Peeta she's pregnant. My story is REALLY coming to an end here, guys! I'm missing it already, but I have to say I'm ready to start some other projects.**

**Enjoy your regularly scheduled update, as it's Thursday.**

**PS: I'd like to welcome ALL new comers to the story. Welcome to the family.**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

I was dumbfounded but Katniss was positively beaming.

"What made you change your mind?" I asked her.

"Because we've spent enough of our relationship—pretend or otherwise—on camera. This is for _you_. For us."

We made the bread together—raisin nut bread. I had asked her if she wanted to make cheese bread but she said we could save that for the ceremony.

"Tonight it's personal," she had said, so we made raisin nut bread together.

We made our way to the fireplace. I lit it and we sat down in front of it.

I was shaking.

"What's wrong?" asked Katniss.

"Nothing. I'm just scared that you're gonna change your mind before it happens," I told her honestly.

Normally she would roll her eyes but in a surprise move she reached for my hand. "I love you, Peeta. Do you remember how hard it used to be for me to say that? I used to answer, 'Real' instead of actually saying it. I'm not afraid to say it now. I mean I still won't say it every day. You won't hear it out of the blue, and if you do, it will literally be out of the blue. But I do love you. And I do want to marry you. I'm not going to change my mind. That's the whole point of marriage, to prove you don't want to change your mind." I smiled at her. "Now burn the damn bread before I change my mind." I laughed and cut the bread, handing a piece to Katniss.

Once it was burned I stared at her.

Maybe it was the magic of the moment—it was almost as magical as Christmas—but I don't think I've ever seen Katniss look so beautiful. Her face was silhouetted from the fire, making her face glow orange.

We intertwined our arms and ate the bread, kissing afterwards.

When I pulled away there were tears running down my face.

She kissed them away and then planted soft lips on mine.

"I love you, Mrs. Mellark," I told her. She blinked for a few seconds. "Oh. You still would rather be called Everdeen?" I tried to make my voice sound indifferent, like I was okay with it, but I'm pretty sure I failed miserably.

She tilted her head to the side, studying me. "Mrs. Mellark." She smacked her lips afterwards, as if trying figure out the taste of it. "It's a great name to have," she said, echoing the words she had spoken before.

And what happened after that is really none of your business, thank you.

We've spent enough of our private life out in the open.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"February 15th," I breathed when we finally made our way upstairs—several hours later—and collapsed on the bed. I turned to her. "Which day will we celebrate? This one, or the date of the ceremony?"

Katniss shrugged. "I say both."

I nodded. "Both it is, then."

After Katniss fell asleep I slipped out of bed and made my way down to the basement.

Normally I'd never paint down here. There wasn't enough inspiration.

But nothing would affect tonight.

I painted well into the night, trying my best to remember every single detail of tonight, until I heard Katniss scream my name at the top of her lungs.

"Katniss?" My heart in my throat I made my way upstairs. "What is it?" I opened up the bedroom door, noted the fear in her eyes, and the tears, and ran up to her, holding her.

"You were gone!" gasped Katniss. "You're always here when I wake up." She was breathing hard, clutching me tightly. "Where were you?"

"I just went to the basement to paint, Katniss."

"Paint?" God, there was that broken voice she used sometimes.

"Yah. I wanted to capture our toasting on paper, that's all, so that I could remember it for the rest of my life. So I could know that it was real."

She took a shuddering breath. "Oh. Okay. I can go down there with you."

"No, it's okay. I'll stay right here, with you."

But she had insisted, so with a blanket wrapped around her, we made our way back to the basement and she watched me as I painted.

When I finished, we stared at a picture of us, in front of the fireplace, a cut loaf of raisin nut bread next to us. We were kissing, in the exact outfits we really got married in.

"It's so real," breathed Katniss, and I'm not sure if she meant to say exactly what I needed to hear, but she did. I turned to her ad beamed. "Hang it," she said.

"Huh?"

"Hang it. In front of the fireplace. I love this. It's one of my favorite pieces."

"You really think I should display it?"

"I think you should display all your work," Katniss told me. "I know why you don't. Some of them are intimae. And some of them are really dark. But the one of us in the Quarter Quell? The cave? This one?" She turned to the paintings. "They should be out in the open, for everyone to see."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We were having breakfast when the phone rang.

Katniss answered.

"Hello?" She listened for a few moments and then said, "Maybe. Why?" I started to suspect who was on the other end of the line as she kept talking and I listened to her voice. "Peeta happened, Gale." Suspicion confirmed. "Yes," she continued. "Goodbye, Gale."

I looked at her. "Boyfriend trouble?" She scowled and I laughed. "Guess he's not happy then?"

"I don't know. He asked me if it was true, if I was really engaged. I said maybe. I don't know why I didn't just tell him. Maybe because my mom doesn't even know yet. But he did ask me what happened to not wanting to ever get married. I told him you happened. And then he asked me if this is what I really wanted, I confirmed, and said goodbye. I don't know if he wasn't happy."

"I doubt he is. He still cares about you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you still have no idea the affect you have on people." I stood up, placing my dishes in the sink. "You wash. I'll go upstairs and start packing. We're leaving for the Capitol in an hour."

"Do you think you'll have a flashback?"

I shrugged. "I honestly don't know. But I've got my pills on me. I spoke with Dr. Aurelius yesterday. He says he'll think I'll be fine but he makes no guarantees. He knows anything can trigger one."

"Well I'm glad you're packing your pills, but if there's sleep syrup anywhere around…." She arched an eyebrow in a challenge and I smiled.

"I promise there's no sleep syrup."

"Haymitch better not have any either."

"Nobody does or will. I promise."

She seemed satisfied with that answer and turned around to start the dishes.

Haymitch and Effie met us at the front door and we all walked to the bus station. Paylor had said she'd send us a car, but we refused. Some things would never change. Though some people in town did have cars, most of us were walkers. We didn't mind the simplicity of 12.

When we got to the train station I stiffened as I watched Haymitch and Effie kiss. Why would they kiss right now?

When Haymitch backed away Katniss voiced what I was thinking: "You aren't coming?"

He looked at her. "Nothing gets passed you, sweetheart."

"But… why not?" asked Katniss, not letting his sarcasm affect her.

"You two are gonna be in the Capitol a day. You'll be on the train longer than in the damn city."

"But… we're a team," Katniss said softly. "You can't _not_ come."

Much like he had the other night, when Katniss asked him to give her away, Haymitch blinked several times before responding. "I didn't bring any clothes, sweetheart."

"We can get you clothes in the Capitol," Effie said, brushing that excuse away. "I think it's settled. Come along, Haymitch."

"Just because I make your toes curl at night doesn't mean you get to talk any kind of way to me, Princess," said Haymitch.

"Honestly, _manners_ Haymitch!" Effie was red as she scowled at him but I snickered. Katniss blushed.

Even after everything we did in bed together the woman was still as pure as ever.

"How do we even known Paylor's men will let me on the train? I wasn't a scheduled passenger."

"Oh please. You're Haymitch Abernathy," argued Effie. Sure enough, he had no trouble at all. Paylor's men hardly acknowledged his presence. I assumed Haymitch must be on some sort of list that gave him a pass. It wouldn't surprise me.

"Haymitch! What a pleasant surprise," Paylor said. She walked up to him and kissed him on both cheeks. "Sobriety treats you well. You're as handsome as you were when you won your Games."

"What is with you people and your compliments?" muttered Haymitch. "And why do you guys keep making me come to the Capitol?"

"Oh stop your whining," Paylor smiled. "Plutarch will be thrilled. He'll never admit it, but he misses you. Do you realize how long it's been since we've all been together?"

"Yah, three years. The five-year anniversary was only three years ago."

"But that was _business_. How much time did you have with Plutarch? The Capitol as you knew it is gone. Why don't you come and visit us? Surely you don't hate it still?"

Haymitch looked pained for a second, and I saw him briefly eye a bottle on the table.

"Haymitch? What is it?" asked Effie.

"It's not the same without Chaff, okay? The Rebellion's over. The Rebels have won. We don't need secret meetings in the Capitol, or elsewhere for that matter. And who do you think you are, anyway, to ask me to speak in 11 on behalf of Chaff? Do you even _care_ how hard that would be for me?"

There was a tense silence.

Haymitch rubbed his hands over his face. "Shit. I'm sorry. It's being back on this train, going back to the Capitol…. It's just stirring up bad memories. And then when you called and asked me to speak in 11, and then reminded me I have to speak in 12…."

"Haymitch," Paylor said softly. "You have always given so much. Kind of like someone else we all know." She smiled at Katniss. "Katniss has always been vocal at what it is she will and won't do. If you don't want to speak in 11 or 12, I'm not Snow. I'm not going to force you to do anything against your will."

"I _should_ speak. It's the right thing to do. Chaff would want me to speak."

"So would Nova," Effie said, grabbing Haymitch's hand. I was just starting to wonder if it was weird for her, but her statement proved it wasn't.

We were a team.

Always.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"You sure you want this? A public wedding?" Katniss asked me later that night as we were getting ready for bed on the train.

"Are you having second thoughts?" I asked, looking at her.

She looked around and I started to get it. "It's not the same this time, Katniss. It's real this time. Don't let us being on the train or going back to the Capitol make you forget that. I don't see the harm in it. I don't mind getting to share with all of Panem that we're really in love with each other this time."

She studied me and then blurted out, "Are you hoping this reaches Gale's ears?"

"Are you hoping it doesn't?" I wasn't going to admit that not telling Gale we were already married kind of rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed so juvenile.

Katniss laughed. "You're still jealous." I didn't say anything. Just scowled. She threw her head back and laughed as she walked around the bed. She chuckled as her lips touched mine.

"I think it's so sweet that after all this time you're still jealous." She was teasing me, but her snicker turned into a gasp and her eyes went out of focus when I slid my hands under her nightdress and inside of her within a few seconds.

All thoughts of Gale, jealousy, and publicized weddings went out the window when I entered inside of her.

Afterwards I turned to her. "So about Gale."

She rolls her eyes. "I'd just like to point out that you keep bringing him up, not me."

"Right. So about your infatuation with Gale." She snorted and nudged me in the stomach lightly with her elbow. "Should we invite him?"

"Only, and I mean only, if you're comfortable with it."

"How would you feel?"

"Indifferent," she responds without a second thought.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"How is it Gale always knows when I'm here?" complained Katniss when we got off the train and saw him, along with two other people.

"I told him once he's the best man I got," Paylor responded.

"If he's the best man you've got, why wasn't he in 12 while you were?" asked Katniss.

"He denied my request to come. He's never told me no before, but he was adamant. I allowed him his moment, but told him to face whatever demons he needed to by the ten-year anniversary. It was my only compromise."

"Katniss," said Gale at our arrival. It was the first time I'd ever heard him call her something other than Catnip. "Peeta." He nodded my way but my focus was on the man standing next to him.

"_Thom_?" Katniss said, reading my thoughts.

He smiled, alike like Gale in so many ways, and the two of them embraced.

"What happened to you?" asked Katniss. "I know you were in 12 after I'd gotten there…. Then you just disappeared."

"I stayed in 12 for about six months. I couldn't stay there, though…." He looked at me, his eyes sheepish, and then turned back to Katniss. "Without Bristel, Gale, and with you…"

"Out of my mind?"

He grimaced. "For a lack of a better term," he said. "12 wasn't the same. So I left. I went back to 13 for a while until Gale called me a few years ago saying a security position has opened up."

"Why didn't we see you at the memorial for the five-year anniversary?"

"I… I couldn't go there. But I'll be in 12 for the ten-year reunion."

"You guys can catch up later," Paylor said with a smile. "Katniss, Peeta, you'll find your team in the car waiting for you. I have to say goodbye. I'll see you two soon."

We said our goodbyes and Gale motioned for us to head towards the car.

"Thom is going to be your security detail. We already know where it is you're heading. The train will depart again tonight at nine. Don't be late."

With that he stalked off.

Katniss scowled after him.

"What's he so upset for? He left 12. He left me," Katniss said.

"And you didn't go after him," said Thom softly.

"There was nothing to chase," Katniss said with a frown. "Gale and I had drifted apart long before—" she gulped—"the bomb."

"Would it have made a difference?" Katniss looked at him. "If it hadn't been his bomb, or if Prim was still alive, and Gale went back to 12, would it have made a difference?"

Katniss didn't even hesitate. "No."

"Exactly. The only person who was blind to how you felt about Peeta was you."

"So why's the news of us getting married making him a pain in the ass?"

"Because you still don't know the affect you have on people," I reminded her.

She looked at me. "It's almost been ten years."

"It could be a hundred lifetimes, and I'd have never gotten over you if the roles were reversed," I told her.

Katniss stared at me and I saw her annoyance evaporate. She grabbed my hand and we walked to the car.

When we opened the door my mouth fell open and Katniss froze.

It seemed to be the day of surprises.

"_Cressida?_" breathed Katniss.


	34. Chapter 34

**Guys, I'm writing the LAST chapter of this story! This story should be DONE by the end of today. Oh my God. It's SO bittersweet! I can't believe this. I have to remind myself that just because I'm done writing, doesn't mean the story's over. It's not over until the last chapter has been posted. I'm just kind of sad. It's like I'm watching my baby grow up.**

**Anyway, here's the next chapter, nice and early for you all. Enjoy, Loves.**

**Also, s|o to all my newcomers. Welcome! Thanks for the Reviews, Favorites, and Follows.**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**

"Why do you seem so surprised? Did you really think Plutarch would send you to the wolves?" Cressida smiled and stepped out the car, embracing Katniss, and then me. Pollux was behind her.

"I _am_ shocked to see you," Katniss said.

"When Plutarch asked if we would be interested in filming documentaries in regards to your wedding I nearly had a heart attack. I thought it would be a nice break from all the war features."

"Where were you for the five-year memorial?" I asked.

"Recovering from a miscarriage."

Katniss and I stared, dumbfounded.

"Trust me, I reacted just like that. I had no idea I was pregnant. I was in 13, filming, slipped and fell down some stairs, had a concussion, and was told I had been two months pregnant and the baby didn't survive the fall." She forced a smile. "I took a year off after that to find myself, made peace with what happened, and now I'm back, better and stronger than ever."

"I'm so sorry," I told her genuinely.

"I am too," said Cressida softly. "Okay, moving on." She took a deep breath.

"Before we get in, can I talk to you?" Katniss asked. Cressida seemed surprised but obliged. The two of them moved away, away from the cameras, and me, and started whispering.

This trip to the Capitol was already proving to be a lot smoother than the first one. For one, we had arrived with President Paylor, so half the streets were shut down, the train station had been empty, and there were no fans to greet us. Haymitch, Effie, Katniss and I all rode in the same car with Cressida and Pollux while Thom rode in the front with the driver.

"Before we start filming you two, of course we have to get you two prepped."

Katniss groaned. "_Why_? Why can't we just pick up the dress and tux and go back home?"

Cressida didn't answer.

"While we're waiting," Effie said. "Katniss, we need to discuss the details of your wedding. If I'm going to plan it I need to know where to start." Nobody noticed Crisseda nodding to Pollux to start filming.

"Like?"

"Like a wedding date would be nice."

Katniss sighed.

"We'll be on a tight schedule—"

"Effie, please," begged Katniss. "Please don't start."

"Katniss you have no idea what planning a wedding entails. The tiniest details matter. What kind of flowers do you want? What colors will you choose?"

"None of that matters! I just want to marry Peeta with my closest friends and family."

"Katniss this is your wedding. Try to act like a female," says Effie.

"I'm still trying to feel like a human, let alone a female. For two years I had to act like an animal, remember?"

Effie sighed. "Young lady."

"Sweetheart," Haymitch warned as I brushed my hand over hers.

"I swear you and Haymitch could be father and daughter," scowled Effie.

Katniss sighed and looked away, noting her temper had gotten the best of her. "Plan it for sometime after the memorial. I'll need it as something to look forward to every year after the date of the anniversary. If I do it before the anniversary I won't really enjoy myself because I'll know its coming up. If we have our ceremony after the memorial it'll be something to look forward to." I squeezed her hand. "And... I know I want dandelions. Lots and lots of dandelions. And primroses."

Effie smiled. "That's a great place to start. Thank you, Katniss."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Plutarch had rented a room out for us as at the same hotel we stayed at during the five-year reunion. We found out this time around that it was a high-security hotel specifically for guests of President Paylor.

The team was there and greeted us as soon as we walked inside. We were smothered in hugs and kisses.

"Tell us what's going on," Flavius demanded before we even put our luggage down. "I just got a call from Effie yesterday saying we needed to drop everything and cancel all appointments for tomorrow—which is now today—because you two would be in town."

"I can't tell you," Katniss said, glancing at me. "We haven't even told my mom."

"Or Effie and Haymitch, who pretty much is your dad," I teased.

Katniss blushed, and I realized that's exactly how she saw him.

They'd come a long way from their mistrustful days.

"Tell us what?" asked Effie.

Suddenly both Katniss and I were deaf.

After we were prepped and dressed in casual clothes—at least casual by the Capitol's standards—Katniss motioned for me to follow her. We made our way into a room and Katniss closed the door behind us.

"We need to call my mom and let her know so that we can tell Haymitch and Effie. Those three deserve to know that we're really married."

I nodded my agreement.

Mrs. Everdeen apparently started to cry with joy because Katniss started crying a few minutes later. When Katniss could no longer speak I took the phone.

"I'm just so happy for you two," she sobbed. "I'm glad you asked her." _Sniff_. "I can't wait for the actual ceremony."

We hung up a few minutes later and I waited until Katniss composed herself before I called Effie and Haymitch in.

"Well you two certainly look smart," Effie said, and I had to agree. They had us dressed in black leather. I wore a black leather jacket, a black shirt, jeans, and black boots while Katniss… well… she was still the Mockingjay. She wore a leather top, a black lace skirt that stopped mid thigh with velvet fringes snaking down her legs, and black heels. For the first time the makeup didn't make her look too grown for her age.

"Thanks," I told Effie. "Listen, we called you guys in here because we thought you should know: Katniss and I had a toasting last night."

Haymitch's mouth dropped open. "No shit?"

I snickered.

Effie just stared.

"We didn't want the ceremony to be a lie," explained Katniss. "So we decided to get married, for us, and we'll have the ceremony for everyone else. We just thought you guys deserved to know the truth."

"I'm so happy for you two," breathed Effie. She had hugs and tears for us both.

Outside the Capitol sun blazed brightly, temporarily blinding us.

"Okay, Katniss," started Cressida. "You, me, and Effie will be in this car while Peeta, Pollux, and Haymitch will be in that car." We both stopped as we realized she was pointing to two different cars.

"You're separating us?" Katniss asked.

"Well… yah," said Cressida. "How else will we do what we discussed?"

"I thought—"

"Katniss," Effie interrupted her, and we all stopped and stared, because we all knew how rude interrupting someone was. "It is not proper etiquette for the groom to see the dress. _Of course_ you two are being separated."

"But—" I struggled to find words to express myself as the panic started to creep in. "We can't be separated. Do you know where we _are_?"

"It'll only be for a couple of hours," Cressida said, as if that would convince me to calm down.

"A couple of hours? Do you know what can happen in that amount of time?"

"Peeta, calm down," Haymitch said. "It'll be okay, I promise. Katniss will be fine, and so will you. Both drivers are trained soldiers."

"To make you feel better, here." Cressida rummaged around in her equipment and pulled out a cell phone. "We'll call if—_if—_anything happens, okay?" She handed the phone to Haymitch and he took it. "The number's the only number saved."

Katniss looked at me, helpless, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing: the last time we'd agreed to separate, we were apart for months.

"Katniss, you are going to be the belle of the ball. I can't wait to see you walk down the aisle, in your white dress."

I don't know if it was the word white, or if the panic from earlier had never actually been calmed, but I stiffened.

"White?" I asked.

Haymitch barked out a laugh, mistaking my question. "I know, right. Katniss isn't exactly a blushing bride, is she?"

Katniss blushed.

I spun around and looked at her, and her eyes widened when she looked at me. "Peeta?"

"We can't wear white." I could feel my breath getting short. "Not white."

"Peeta, breathe," Haymitch said, gripping my shoulder.

"I won't wear white. We can't. All white. So much white." I started to hyperventilate. "Me. Johanna. White. No. Please."

"Okay, no white," Katniss said, grabbing my hand. "I'm sure Cinna has plenty of other designs. It's not real, Peeta. Turn the damn camera off, Pollux," she snapped out, and then she hugged me. "I won't wear white."

"What if I have a flashback while you're walking down the aisle?"

"You won't," she whispered. "No white." She kissed me and I felt myself start to relax.

"You okay Peeta?" asked Cressida. I took a shaky breath and nodded. "Okay. Let's go."

"I'm not about to leave him," Katniss said fiercely.

"I'm okay," I said, my heart still hammering. "I'm fine. We can go."

"Peeta—"

"The quicker we leave, the quicker we can get back to each other."

She leaned up and kissed me. "Stay with me."

I smiled at her. "Always."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"You sure you're okay?" asked Haymitch when we drove off. "I know Dr. Aurelius' number by heart."

"I'm fine," I sighed. "Where are we even going?"

"We're going to go look at your tux, and then we'll go find a wedding band for Katniss. I suspect she's doing the exact same thing for you."

We rode in the car for quite some time before reaching our destination. I had no idea where we were. I just know we were in a secluded part of the of the Capitol, and wherever we were had forced many security stops. Twice we had to roll down our windows to get verified that we were who we said we were.

Once we got out more soldiers met us. After patting us down and checking our ID's they motioned for us to follow them.

"Where are we?" I asked. We were in a glass building that was heavily guarded.

"This is one of Cinna's places," one of the soldier's said. I glanced at him, my eyebrows raised.

"One of?"

"Yes. It's the smaller of the two. This houses all of his designs for you. He and Portia shared it. Now his team works here. The other place is on the other side of the Capitol. That's where he keeps all of his Mockingjay designs."

Wow.

We walked into the building, where we were patted down _again_, our identities were verified, and then we were instructed that there would be absolutely no touching.

"You point at the one you want, and then we'll ship it to you closer to the wedding. Are we clear?"

I had to sign a document letting him know I was clear.

The minute we entered the room I saw the tux Cinna designed.

It made me smile.

"Before you start looking around, I have a letter for you." The soldier rummaged around in his pocket and produced a letter that was yellow with age. I took it and opened it.

_Peeta,_

_If you're reading this, it is because I did not survive the Rebellion. It also means you are alive to read it, which means that we have won. My death, then, is not in vain._

_For the sake of keeping my mind, I am going to assume that Portia is with you, because if I thought about anything happening to her, I'd crawl into a cave and die. Hopefully she is next to you, showing you around, helping you pick out your tuxedo for you and Katniss' wedding._

_You are no longer a pawn of the Capitol's, and therefore, you now have the right to think for yourself. You can choose any outfit you want for your wedding. However, I would like to explain why I want you to wear _the_ suit._

_Traditionally people wear white in their weddings, especially when the woman is as pure as Katniss. However, we all saw the way you two comforted each other in regards to nightmares, so I made this suit ivory, because I could not imagine Katniss staying pure for too much longer (smile). I wouldn't dream of actually putting you two in white, with Snow's white obsession, be it with roses, his own outfits, or his stupid little beard on his stupid little face._

_The white wedding dress put me over the edge._

_When you and Katniss marry, and you two _will_ marry, really marry, I hope you will choose the ivory tuxedo. If not—well you'll still be as dashing as ever._

_Wish I was there._

_Give Haymitch and Effie my love. Tell Haymitch if he ever changes his mind, I've got a suit reserved for him, too._

_Goodbye, Peeta._

_Much respect,_

_-Cinna_

I tucked the letter in my pocket. It would make its way to the room in our house, placed in a frame, along with the rest of our things in regards to the Games. I turned to the soldier and pointed at the ivory suit.

"I want that one."

**Hey! Just FYI I forgot all about Cressida, not going to lie. If I had remembered her I'd have had her at the five-year memorial. Since I remembered her AFTER that chapter, I had to make something drastic happen in order for her to not be there. I hope you guys like the cameo in the last chapter from Thom as well.**

**When you find out new information, like Paylor asking Haymitch to speak in 11, remember this is in Peeta's POV and he finds out information when the characters give it to him. Keep this in mind for later chapters.**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


	35. Chapter 35

Haymitch and I made our way to the same ring shop I had Effie go to in order to get Katniss' ring made.

The owner stopped dead in his tracks, his jacket on, briefcase in had, when he saw me.

I made the mistake of asking him if he remembered Katniss' ring. He nearly scolded me, asking me if I knew who I was, and who Katniss Everdeen was, and _of course_ he remembered me, and her, and the ring, and how could I ever think otherwise?

Needless to say he stayed a little later, shooing his closer to the back, locking the door for security purposes.

No one would get in or out until I left.

"I need a band to match it," he finally let me tell him. "Nothing too flashy. Katniss isn't flashy."

"Forget Katniss for a moment," he said, brushing the thought of her aside with his hand. "Tell me something: if Peeta could get Katniss anything that reminded him of why he loves her, what would it be? Don't answer now. Take a look around. When you find it, let me know."

I followed his advice and looked around the high-end jewelry shop. I had nearly looked at all the rings, close to giving up at ever finding a perfect band, when something caught my eye.

"This one," I said immediately. Haymitch and the owner walked up to me. "I want that one."

The owner smiled. "Ah, yes. She is a beauty, is she not? Why'd you choose her?"

"It's the color of Katniss' eyes. How much?"

"No charge," said the owner.

"What?" I asked.

"No charge," he repeated firmly. "Just send me a picture of her hand in the ring, so it can be displayed on my Hall of Fame, and we'll call it even."

We discussed the privacy disclosure, Pollux pulled out a confidentiality form, and then we parted ways.

"Tell our Mockingjay that I know she will make a beautiful bride again. Take care, Mr. Mellark."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I showed him Cinna's letter and asked the question that'd been on my mind since I had read it: "Would you ever marry Effie?"

"Shit," he muttered. I arched an eyebrow. "If we're going to have this discussion, I'm going to need a drink." I folded my arms across my chest. "Just one, I promise."

Haymitch and I were in one of the hotel's many bars, eating, about an hour later. The bar was dark and secluded, and with the fancy lights the entire place was in different shades of purple.

Haymitch told me that he and Effie had an understanding, and no, they would never get married.

I wanted to push the issue, but I was starting to worry.

I kept glancing at the clock on the wall.

Where is she?

I thought I had asked that question in my head, but apparently not. Haymitch answered.

"They're fine, boy," he said. "We have the phone, remember? They'd call if something was wrong."

"It's just… they should have been back by now, right?"

"Peeta, they're fine. I promise."

"I hate it here," I whispered to him. "I hate being back in this place. And I hate that Katniss is out of my sight."

"Peeta, calm down. Listen, this visit may have been short notice, but Paylor is trained in security. She's got hundreds of thousands of soldiers at her fingertips, ready to go whenever she commands. Every place we've gone has had extra security. Even the ring shop had secret service agents but feet away. It's no different with Katniss. You two are protected. We know what being here means. Not everybody has embraced the Rebellion, even after all this time. But you're safe. Katniss is fine. You need to relax. You know what can happen if you start to get worked up."

I started jiggling my leg.

"Do you want a drink?"

I shot him a filthy look. Before I could respond Snow flashed in my mind.

I went rigid.

"Peeta, calm down," Haymitch said, standing. "Come on. Let's get you to the room, okay? Let's just make it out of here."

I started to gasp for air. Haymtich set a few bills down on the table for a tip—I didn't even know he carried money—and he grabbed my arm, leading me out of the dimly lit bar and towards the elevator.

By the time we got to the room I headed straight for a chair.

My hands were shaking as I tied myself up.

Faintly, oh so faintly, as the world around me started to disappear, I heard the phone ringing. Haymitch answered.

"Well hello to you too, sweetheart." Pause. "He's tied up, in the chair. Don't panic, Katniss. Hello? _Hello_?"

That was the last thing I heard.

I thought of Mitchell. It had been years—_years_—since I had thought of him. I don't know if I'd ever forgiven myself for that. I tried to push it away, bury it, but here it was, and here _he_ was, back from the dead.

His death was what made me realized I had indeed became a piece in the Capitol's Game.

We wrestled together, he and I, as I tried to get to Katniss. I had to kill her. She was more than a mutt. She was going to destroy everything and everyone. She was already destroying my life. She had taken my family, had had them killed, but I could bring them back if I just got to kill her.

"_Your family will come back to you, Peeta, if you just kill her_," President Snow had told me, and Snow was a good man, a kind man. He wouldn't lie to me. Katniss had to die. "_I'm going to allow you to be rescued, but you must kill her, okay? Can you do that for me, Mr. Mellark_?"

I could, and I would. It'd be easy. I was stronger than her, and she had destroyed everything, _everything_ I had held dear to me.

_Not real, not real, not real, not real_.

"_You don't believe me?"_ President Snow had asked. I shook my head. "_Fine. Allow me to help you remember._"

He played a scene of the Quarter Quell, when Katniss heard the Jabberjays mock Prim's voice.

And then she heard Gale.

"_Gale is her lover,_" Snow told me. "_Why else would she hear his name, and not yours?_"

And suddenly everything clicked into place.

I had been rescued, just like Snow and I had planned, and now we were back in the Capitol. I had played my part well, these past few weeks, pretending to be better, but all it took was for one of those pods to bring me back to reality, and the thirst for blood was overwhelming.

I wanted to kill her.

I needed to kill her.

Nothing in all of Panem would make me happier than killing her.

Mitchell seemed to know what I was thinking, as he blocked my path.

A small part of me wished it had been Gale.

I'd love nothing more than to kill him before killing Katniss.

But why? Why would I want to kill Gale?

Surely it's not because I was jealous.

Because jealously would mean I had feelings for Katniss.

And I couldn't have feelings for Katniss.

She was a mutt.

_Not real._

No. Not a mutt.

Life. She was life.

And fire. Beautiful fire, blazing bright with love.

Love for me.

She loved me.

She was calling me. I could hear her.

She was far away, but I was starting to make out what she was saying.

"It's not real, Peeta," she said, her voice echoing. "Please come back to me. Please. I need you. Don't you remember the beach? I need you."

Beach? Beach. The Quarter Quell.

"Yes. I see you. Your eyes are clearing. Do you remember the beach?"

The beach.

But after the beach I went to the Capitol.

No not the Capitol.

The Capitol saved me.

It told me the truth.

The truth about Katniss, being a mutt, a troublemaker.

She needed to die.

So I fought Mitchell for her, and when I pushed him, I did not care that he would fall to his death. I just approached Katniss, psychotic with victory at finally reaching my prey, wrapped my hands around her neck, and started to squeeze.

Her kisses would _never_ distract me.

But why on _earth_ did my stomach do summersaults when she kissed me?

And why did she smell so _real_? Like pinecones and dirt. But she didn't reek. She smelled the way dirt smelled when it started to rain in the summertime.

"You love me Peeta, remember? Love is real. We got married to make it real."

I blinked at her blurry figure, could feel her cupping my face, but I still couldn't really see her.

"Married?' I gasped out.

"Real," she whispered, and I could hear her voice quivering.

"You proposed to me a few days ago. We had a toasting the next night. You painted a picture of the toasting. Where'd I tell you to hang it?"

I blinked as she went in and out of focus.

"You asked Effie to plan our wedding ceremony. We always have a Christmas tree in our room now. You always ask me to pose for you so you can sketch me. How many bakeries do you have now?"

Bakeries? I bake. I love to bake. "Two. No…" I scrunched up my face. "Three?"

"Real. Sage wrote us a letter. Cinna left us a video. We made a book in regards to the Games, but it wasn't our first book. What was our first book we did together, Peeta?"

"Plants," I said, my voice clearer.

"Real," sobbed Katniss. "You asked my mom for my hand in marriage. You love it when I wear the color green. The first year we shared a bed we fought over the blankets. Where did you propose to me?"

"In my bakery, on Valentine's Day."

She lost it after that, wrapping her arms around me, her body shaking with sobs, and I breathed in her scent, that lovely scent of pinecones and wet dirt, inhaling the essence of Katniss, my Katniss. I wondered why I couldn't embrace her, and then remembered that my hands were tied, and suddenly I didn't want to touch her anymore.

"Haymitch," I said softly, and he knew, just like he always did, and picked Katniss up.

She screamed bloody murder.

I saw her kick and scratch at Haymitch, clawing at his face so that he'd let her go, and then watched as Dr. Aurelius and Haymtich pinned her down and Dr. Aurelius stuck her with a needle.

I closed my eyes, because seeing needles sometimes made me relapse.

Katniss' cries calmed down.

I took a deep breath and looked around the room.

Gale looked sick. His skin was clammy and I figured matched mine. Thom's face was in a hard line, his eyes dark. Cressida was sitting in a corner, pale, her tattoos bright against the white of her skin. Pollux was trembling, his camera at his feet. Effie was sobbing in a corner.

Jesus Christ.

What had happened?

And what the hell did I say aloud?

"Hello, Peeta." I turned to Dr. Aurelius.

"What did I do?"

Before he answered he turned to the room. "I need everybody to leave now," he said.

"No. They can stay." Dr. Aurelius stared at me. "It's fine."

"They'll have to sign a confidentiality form when I leave, then. If anyone objects tot that, please leave." No one moved.

"What did I do?" I asked again.

"Nothing," he said, "and I think that's what scared Katniss the most. This was the quietest, stillest I've ever seen you. You were just like Katniss is during one of her episodes. That's never happened before. You were… gone. All the way gone. Even she couldn't reach you. I think she thought you'd left her for good."

"How long has it been?" Haymitch started to untie me and I glanced at Katniss, now asleep on the couch.

"A day."

I snapped my head back to him. "_What?!_"

"What's the last thing you remember, Peeta?"

I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to control my shaking hands. "The bar. We were at the bar. Haymitch and I. I could feel it coming. I had been so nervous about being separated from Katniss in the Capitol…. Cressida said we'd only be apart for a couple of hours, but they were late."

"Peeta," whispered Cressida.

"No. I don't blame you. I'm not blaming you. But I got scared. I got nervous and I could feel an attack. Haymitch said we should go to the room, which we did, and I tied myself." I scrunched up my face and tried to remember. "I think Haymitch got a phone call…."

"He did," Cressida said. "Katniss and I _were_ late…. She had more trouble than she thought finding your ring. We were on our way to the hotel, though, when Katniss said something wasn't right. She could feel it, she said. She was adamant about calling you and talking to you, to make sure you were okay. When we called and Haymitch said you were having a flashback, she sort of lost it. She actually got out of the car and started running to the hotel. She got physical when we tried to get her back in the car. I told her she wouldn't ever get to you like this. I asked her what would be the best way to get to Peeta. That calmed her down. We got to the hotel about twenty minutes later, almost at the same time as Dr. Aurelius. By that time Thom had informed Gale what had happened."

"I've seen you at your worst, Peeta, but this was bad," Dr. Aurelius said.

"Did I hurt her?"

"Hurt her? You were tied up to a chair, kid," said Haymitch.

"Like I said, you were catatonic. You barely moved. You just sat there, eyes unfocused, and cloudy. Sometimes you would start to shake, and then your eyes would clear, but then you would slip back under."

I slowly started to stand. "When would I come back to reality?"

"Well Katniss' list technique works wonders," Dr. Aurelius says. "The only way I can gage it is to say when a happier memory stuck out, you came around. It took twelve hours. She didn't stop. Wouldn't stop. She didn't take a break. She didn't eat. She just kept naming things. Mentioning the kiss in the cave or on the beach you tended to respond to. This is personal, of course, but I have to ask: why?"

"It was the first time I thought she really had feelings for me. That kiss in the cave… _the_ kiss in the cave… it was what I had dreamed of since I was five. And then on the beach… well… she'd told me several months before that she was confused, wasn't sure how she felt about me, but that kiss on the beach let me know that she loved me, and that she needed me." I rubbed my wrists. They were red. I looked at my hands to keep my eyes averted from everyone's.

"Katniss mentioned being on top of the roof at the Training Center. Planting primroses." I glanced up and saw him consulting his notes. "The train ride on the Victory Tour. Litte Fin. A baby named Dill. And her singing."

"She sang?"

Dr. Aurelius nodded. "It was the closest we got to getting you back, but as soon as she stopped you slipped. She tried singing again but to no avail. It's like she'd work for hours to bring you back, but when you slipped again she had to work twice as hard. You came in and out of it four times."

"Jesus," I whispered.

I was still shaking.

"You sure I didn't hurt her?"

"Positive." He paused, and there was a long silence. "Go to her, Peeta."

"You know I can't," I told Dr. Aurelius.

"Go to her, and see how you _don't_ want to kill her."

I looked up at Gale. "You shoot me if you have to," I told him. I saw the shock in his eyes. "Put your hand on your gun, Gale."

"Peeta, you're fine," Haymitch said, as Effie started to sob even harder. He walked over to her to comfort her.

I ignored Haymitch. "Hand on your gun, Gale."

Gale and Haymitch locked eyes, but they were speaking in their muted Seam talk. Katniss had that ability too. I couldn't read them. Gale finally placed his hand on the butt of his gun.

I cautiously walked towards the couch, where Katniss slept, sedated.

And nearly wept with relief when all I wanted to do was scoop her up and kiss her senseless.

But I couldn't.

Good Peeta had been gone for a whole day.

I had to get him back before I approached her.

**Posted this because I'm not sure I'll be able to post tomorrow. Kind of have a busy day planned. Also, even though my bday was several days ago, I'm celebrating with friends/family this weekend, so I may not have time to post. I wouldn't want to leave you guys hanging.**

**Also, the story is finished, so if you start seeing different stories from me, that's why. Random stories from me is a great way to pass the time until Thursday gets here.**

**I just posted a one-shot in Katniss' POV called "The Longest Winter Without You." Check it out and let me know what you guys think! It's different.**

**Til next time, Loves,**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


	36. Chapter 36

Remember how I said Katniss had learned to give me space after a flashback?

That was before this flashback, apparently.

"Peeta, if you just _talk_ about it, we can get through it," she said. We were a few hours away from checking out of the hotel to head back to 12. I had asked for a couple of more days, not ready to be in such a closed space with Katniss, so I had Dr. Aurelius say that I wasn't fit to travel yet.

I spent most of my time in his office so that I wouldn't be around Katniss.

"Peeta, _please_," she begged, and I finally snapped.

"Fine! You want to know what I thought about? Mitchell, and how much I hated him for protecting you on that night. I thought about how you heard _Gale_ in the Quarter Quell when the Jabberjays attacked. Snow told me that Gale was your lover, and that's why you heard him, and not me." My breath came out in short gasps. I didn't even know why I was so angry. The flashbacks always made me like this. That's why I try to avoid being around her, at least until Good Peeta resurfaced.

I didn't notice her cringe at my words. "Why didn't you hear me, Katniss? I'd have heard you. You were the only one I'd have heard."

She ran away after that. It'd been a long time since she's run away from me, and I knew she had headed to her safe haven, a closet.

What the fuck was I doing?

We never should have come here.

I finished packing, relieved to be going back home, but going home meant that I would be around Katniss.

Katniss.

Shit.

I better go make up with her.

I go towards the front of the hotel door, where the coat closet is, and see Haymitch there.

"What did you _do_?" he hissed.

I shrugged. "She asked about my flashback, so I told her." My voice was cool and he turned to me.

"We're an hour away from getting on that train. If I need to knock you the fuck out until that chip on your shoulder shrinks, let me know."

I thought about the train ride home when I was leaving the Capitol, so many years ago, when Haymitch told me that if he thought I'd hurt Katniss, he'd kill me himself.

I sigh, my anger finally deflating.

"I hate flashbacks."

Haymitch lays a gentle hand on my shoulder. "I know somebody who probably hates them more, just like the way you hate her depressions."

It took about twenty minutes to coax Katniss out of the closet, and she couldn't mask the betrayal in her eyes.

"I don't get it," she said softly. "It's been almost ten years. We were _married_ the other day. How can you still let him come between us?"

"I don't mean to," I explained. "It's the flashbacks. It makes me remember things, and even though I'm not in the flashback anymore, sometimes the distrust lingers."

She sighed and looked away. "We should go."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Needless to say, the train ride was tense. The three of us sat on the train, silent, until my lack of sleep got the better of me.

I woke up to Katniss gently shaking me. I had fallen asleep at the table, my head on top of my hands. "Come on. Let's just go to bed."

I hesitated, but remembered how I had no desire to kill her. I glanced at Haymitch who was staring at us, legs spread across the coffee table, and I knew he was only doing this because Effie wasn't with us.

He gave me a slight nod and I stood up. Katniss and I headed to our room.

I thought about sleeping on the floor, but as if she could read my mind, she smacked her teeth and pushed me on the bed, and then climbed in next to me.

I was moody enough, but definitely way too tired to put up a fight.

We both were asleep in minutes.

"Peeta. _Peeta_," said Katniss fiercely, and I sat up, quickly, my heart hammering, my face sweating, my hands clammy. "Are you okay? You're shaking."

I gasped for air, looking around. How long had we been sleep? It was dark outside now.

"What do you need?" asked Katniss. I shook my head, holding up my shaking hands. I just needed to breathe. It'd been _years_ since I'd had an actual nightmare, and this definitely wasn't me dreaming of Katniss being dead.

Just breathe, Peeta.

Slowly I lied back down, my heart still accelerated.

Taking her cue from me, Katniss lied back next to me.

I knew she wanted to ask if I wanted to talk about it, but I'm sure my response to the last time she asked was still in her mind.

"I still remember the last time my mother hit me," I told her into the dark. I felt her tense beside me. If there were people I didn't talk about, it was my family. I talked about my dad every now and then. But I never mentioned my mom. The last time I had talked about her was when Katniss and I had added her to the book after visiting Annie.

She'd been added to the list of villains.

"What happened?" asked Katniss.

"I'd been home from the first Games about a week. I'd just moved into Victor's Village and it was my first time getting from there to the bakery. I was but a few minutes late, and my mom was already up, and already fussing.

"I started making the morning bread, but my hands were shaking."

"Probably from me breaking your heart," muttered Katniss.

I snickered, my first laugh in a couple of days, and turned to her. "No. I had started having nightmares, and this was before I had started painting. It was a mixture of fear and not really getting enough sleep. Funnily enough by the time the Victory Tour came, I had wished my only problem was you not loving me."

She reached out and brushed my hair out of my face. It was the first contact I hadn't cringed at. She smiled at me as I stayed still.

"Go on."

"Anyway, I was making biscuits, and rolling the dough, but my hands were shaking so badly that I dropped one. I don't know how my mother knew, but she knew. She _always_ knew. Maybe she had a camera and I didn't know it. All I know is that she stomped down the stairs, screaming at the top of her lungs, about how useless, worthless, and wasteful I was, and even though I was now rich and famous they were still suffering—which was a lie, of course. My mother had refused to move to Victor's Village. She refused to be so close to 'that Everdeen woman,' as she called your mother.

"In the cave, I never once thought about how telling that story would affect my family, or yours for that matter. I didn't know it'd open old wounds. Hell, I was half delirious from pain. I never thought I'd make it home and be alive to see the repercussions of my actions.

"In retrospect I know she was so vile to me because I had told all of Panem that story. And I also now knew why she hated me so much: because I'd loved you since I was five years old. She called it a sickness, the day I got back, like you and your mother were a disease without a cure." I paused. "I guess that's true. But I'm okay with that." Katniss smiled. "She tried to plant my head with lies. She'd tell me you'd never really love me, and if you showed me interest, it was only because we had more money. She told me how girls from the Seam sold themselves just to eat, and that you were no different. But I never believed her about you, or anybody for that matter. Anyway, she came downstairs, yelling, screaming, and a nightmare was just so fresh in my mind, clogging my memory and brain, and she came up to me, hitting me, pounding on me, and I snapped.

"I turned around, and at first I told myself that it was because I thought I was back in the Games, and all I was doing was protecting myself, but that was wrong. I knew who she was. I knew exactly who she was. I snapped.

"And for the first time ever, I hit my mother back." I paused, the silence only interrupted by the humming of the engine of the train.

"Hard. Not a slap. Not a shove. No. I balled up my fist and hit her in her face, so hard that her neck snapped back and she damn near flew across the room.

"I think I would have kept hitting her, except my dad heard the first hit, and he stopped me, immediately. I yelled at her, though, told her she'd better not ever hit me again, because I was a killer now, and there were people in that Arena who I had killed that were more innocent than her."

I wasn't looking at Katniss now. I was afraid of how she would look: terrified? Disgusted? Appalled? I'd hit a woman. Not just a woman, my _mother_.

"I walked out after that. I walked out and vowed I'd never come back, but then my dad came to see me. I told him I'd never apologize, and he said he'd never ask me to. He just asked that I never do it again. And I didn't. But she never touched me again, either. She was still cold, still cruel. And I remember, for so many years, fearing that every woman suffered from the same madness my mother did. And then I met Delly, and she showed me that women can be kind. And then I had a few girlfriends—"

"_Girlfriends_?" Now I looked up and couldn't help but smile at the look on Katniss' face.

"Just because I've loved you for twenty years doesn't mean I didn't have other girlfriends, Katniss. We were sixteen when we entered the first Games. I'd had a few girlfriends, though only one was serious."

"Who?"

"I doubt you knew her."

"She was another townie?"

"Yes. There was only one Seam girl for me," I said, cupping her cheeks.

"Smooth. Real smooth, Peeta."

I laughed, this time a full laugh.

And then I sobered up. Gulping, I continued. "I'd been angry at my mom, because I'd hated her for as long as I can remember, but as time went on I realized how bad what I had done was. Sometimes, not often, I'm afraid that I'll snap like that again. Because I was completely and totally in my right mind, Katniss. That was way before the hijacking."

"That's why you shut yourself away afterwards," she breathed.

"The flashbacks make me so _angry_, Katniss. Over the smallest things. The Gale thing does _not_ bother me anymore. It doesn't. It hasn't for years. But when I have a flashback about him, those shiny memories shine brighter than reality sometimes."

"Peeta…."

"I had a dream that you were my mother tonight. I relived the entire thing in this dream, down to the exact words, verbatim, but when I hit her, she was you. And I didn't feel disgust, or fear…. Just anger. And all I wanted to do was keep hitting you until you were dead. How am I supposed to live with myself when I wake up?"

"It's a _dream_, Peeta. Do you expect me to hate you because of a dream? You would never do that in real life."

"I already did," I argued.

"To a woman who'd pushed you for sixteen years. She picked on you and bullied you, Peeta. You wouldn't do that to me." Katniss scooted closer to me, sliding her hands down my chest.

I felt something stir.

"None of that matters to me," she said, her voice low. "Frankly, I'm more concerned about who this girlfriend of yours was."

I blinked at her. "_Seriously_?"

"Was it Delly?"

"What's with you and your suspicion of me and Delly? She's more my cousin than Gale ever was to you," I said cheekily.

Katniss didn't smile though. "She could always reach you when I couldn't." I stared blankly at her. "In 13. She was only one of the few who could calm you down."

"Katniss, have you been harboring that for all these years?" She didn't answer. "Well _you_ couldn't calm me down at first, Katniss, you were a mutt to me. But you calm me down now," I told her, pulling her to me. "Even if Delly and I had had something, it's long over, Katniss. She's married, and so am I. And you're who I love. You're the _only_ woman I've ever loved, okay?"

She relaxed into me and then pushed me away. "It's not funny, Peeta," she scowled as she felt me laughing.

"It is! If I told Delly you were jealous of her she'd be mortified. She's the closest thing I've had to a sister, besides Prim."

Katniss looked at me. "You consider Prim your sister?"

"Sister-in-law," I told her.

She blinked back her tears. "I love you, Peeta."

It always hit me like a ton of bricks when she said it. "I love you too, Katniss."

A few hours later, thunder woke me up out of my slumber.

I shifted and saw the rain beating against the window. I sat up, careful not to wake up Katniss, and pressed my head against the cool glass. Lightening flashed, brightening up the sky enough to show dark clouds.

I stared at Katniss, who was currently sleeping peacefully, her face relaxed. When the lightening flashed it brightened her features, and like many times before, I was struck at how beautiful she was.

I could watch her sleep all night.

Still, the need to check on Haymitch pulled me out of bed. He'd been sober for nearly five years now, give or take a few relapses, but I knew he hadn't mentally prepared himself for this trip to the Capitol, and I could only hope that he was behaving himself.

I was about to knock on his door when I heard voices coming from the living room. I made my way there and saw Haymitch and Effie talking through the TV.

How the hell?

I'd never understand the Capitol's technology.

"You honestly look dead on your feet, Haymitch. You sleep much better through the night now. Why don't you get some rest?"

"Says the woman who's up at four in the morning," said Haymitch.

"I'm about to get ready for work. You've been up for at least two days straight." She stared at him crossly.

"Okay, Princess, I'll go to bed. But I'm sleeping with the light on."

"Your secret's safe with me," she said with love. "Don't forget a blanket. Call me when you get home."

"Will do."

I crept away, noting Haymitch was fine, and vowed that I'd never tell his secret either.

We were all still facing our demons, and I didn't think it'd ever change.

When I got back to the room, Katniss was sitting up, her knees to her chest, her eyes vacant.

Oh shit.

I couldn't have been gone but five minutes.

I rushed to her and climbed into bed, wrapping my arms around her.

"Your name is Katniss Everdeen. You're twenty-five years old. You're the older sister of Primrose Everdeen, the wife of Peeta Mellark."

I felt her tense, which was a good sign, because normally she'd just sit there. "You like to hunt. You trade game and sell it for way less than it's worth. You're fearless. And wonderful. And beautiful. And I love you." I kissed her brow and I felt her relax.

"Mellark," I heard her whisper after a few moments, and I looked at her. "My name is Katniss Mellark." I'd have been touched if her voice hadn't sounded so small.

I kissed her temple. "What triggered it?"

"The thunder. It sounded like bombs. I thought I was back in 13." Her voice was still so tiny it hurt.

"I'm sorry I left you."

"Where'd you go?"

"To check on Haymitch." She leaned in closer to me.

I lied us down, back under the covers, and pulled her into me so that her head was resting in the crook of my neck. "Better?" I asked her, and she says the simplest phrase that put all the pain of the flashback and the dream far, far away from my mind.

"Always," she spoke softly, and I could feel her smile as she said the phrase I always whispered to her.

I swear when I think I know her, she finds the sweetest ways to surprise me.

**Yay! So I found time to post!**

**I'd like to welcome all the newbies to this story!**

**I don't know why but this is one of my FAVORITE chapters of the whole book. I just think it's so intimate, and there's always something about Peeta and Katniss on a train that makes me feel all mushy LOL.**

**I hope you guys like it as much as I do!**

**-thamockingjayandpeeta**


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